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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have followed this teen girl?

235 replies

FrightorFlight · 31/03/2022 13:29

On the school run yesterday I had to run into the supermarket to grab some bits. As I drove around the car park towards the exit I saw a teenage girl in school uniform talking to an adult male. She looked a little uncomfortable and upset. Halfway down the next row of cars I decided to swing back past and see if she had gone. She was walking ahead of the man who then veered off towards the supermarket doors and her in the opposite direction.
She was on the phone and visibly upset. The way the car park works you end up driving past the path the girl exited on. As she crossed the road she finished on her phone so I pulled over and wound my window down (pressed my window down?) and asked if she was ok. Just explained I had seen her talking to the guy, did she know him? She said it was her boss and I commented that she seemed a bit upset. Turns out she had lost her bank card.
Once we got home I was telling Dh and said 'is it weird that I did that?'
Dh says 'yeah, a bit'
Dd1 who is 16 then tells me her and her two friends were approached close to where we were by three adult males on Saturday afternoon. So on one hand it could have been something sinister and on the other hand I'm following a girl round a car park!

OP posts:
Onlyforcake · 31/03/2022 15:50

I've done similar. Teens don't seem to mind or maybe appreciate the concern when on their own. Groups are different though

Lovemusic33 · 31/03/2022 15:57

I would have done the same, I would rather check and get told to ‘f#ck off’ than risk something awful happening.

I saw a little boy seemingly walking alone in town a few months back, he was about 2 years old. I stopped and kept an eye on him as he wondered alone, people were giving my odd looks so I asked someone ‘is that little boy on his own?’, turned out his parents were walking ahead of him (quite far ahead and taking no notice of him), the woman I asked looked at me like I was crazy but I don’t care, if something had happened to him I would never of forgiven myself, I always kept my kids close or in a pushchair at that age so I was shocked he was wondering around seemingly alone.

Want2beme · 31/03/2022 15:57

I do it. I often keep an eye on small children who appear to be on their own in shops. I've told staff about them. Some staff act and others say they dont know what to do, in which case I've continued to look out for them. There's no harm doing it. Your help might be needed one day. You did a good thing and I'm sure her family are happy to know that people care enough.

SirenSays · 31/03/2022 15:58

I've done this several times. And so has my DH, he's even helped a lost little girl wandering around town all alone. But he always tries to find a woman to take over the situation because he's terrified of being labelled dodgy.

TeloMere · 31/03/2022 15:59

@ENoeuf

I stopped at night because a bloke was aggressively shouting at a woman while walking backwards in front of her. I’d driven past and then turned round because I just had a niggle. Asked her if she was ok and be answered twice for her. I said ‘I’m asking the woman’ and she said she was fine and thanked me. Clearly he was furious if interfered but who knows?
I understand you meant well, but don't think you helped in this situation. Of course she said she was fine, with man standing there listening. You say he was clearly furious you interfered so you might have made the situation worse for her. Better to call the police rather than risk inflaming the situation
PussGirl · 31/03/2022 15:59

I was in a small town in Holland on holiday & saw a young couple having a row at the side of a bridge as I went to walk over it with DP. The man was looming over the woman & she was sort of pinned against the wall looking upset.

We kept walking but about 100 yards later I turned & went back, went up to them & asked the woman in my very rudimentary Dutch if all was okay.

It wasn't okay & I linked arms with her & marched off with her over the bridge while DP followed talking to her bloke. It was all a bit surreal I'd had a glass of wine

It was a row about keys - he had hers & wouldn't give them back but soon did after we intervened, & we then accompanied them to her car - she got in & drove away & he walked off.

DP was amazed I couldn't let it go (we hadn't been together long) but agreed I'd done the right thing.

Note to self - the Dutch are enormous - I must have looked very odd grabbing a woman nearly a foot taller than my small middle-aged self and marching her away from her even huger other half Blush

Rawmum30 · 31/03/2022 15:59

Not read all the pages, but may I say can we all look out for each other, not just girls?
No offence intended, but I would think there are times when young, old, male or female are sometimes unknowingly as well as knowingly vulnerable.
Also, if anyone tries to help you out, but you’re actually ok, try not to give the concerned person a hard time… yes it’s happen, and to others no doubt.
Better safe than sorry.

DoctorManhattan · 31/03/2022 16:00

Many years back I was in a late bar one sat night, left about 3am and realised I’d lost my phone. Couldn’t get a taxi waved down so started walking home - it was summer and only a couple of miles so didn’t bother me to walk.

As I’m walking along the very quiet route (heading out of city centre towards an area with a mix of residential and shops), I notice a girl way up ahead of me on the other side of the road, on her own but walking in the same direction as me. She’s in a short dress and clearly inebriated given how she’s all over the place and staggering a bit.

It’s quite dark with limited street lighting but as I’m looking, I notice the silhouette of a man on the other side of the road also, walking about 100 yards behind her. I’m naturally observant and also naturally suspicious (not always a good thing!) so I keep watching him and notice that he’s walking quite slow but in a deliberate way, he isn’t staggering and doesn’t seem to be drunk. And when she stops occasionally, so does he. And when she speeds up or slows down, so does he. It quickly becomes very obvious he’s following her but I have no idea if he’s a stranger, or if it’s a boyfriend/girlfriend argument and they’re just walking apart.

I have no phone, there’s no phone boxes that I can see, so ringing the police is not an option for me. And if I lose sight of them maybe something will happen. I decide to keep going as I am and keep an eye on her.

5 or 6 mins later, the girl cuts down a residential tree lined street and he does the same. It’s going totally off my route now but I cut across and also follow them. As we go down that even darker street I can see he’s picking up pace and starting to edge a little closer to her. He clearly hasn’t noticed me, and I decide at this point that he’s up to no good so I break into a jog (still on the opposite side of the road) and come up parallel to him. I cross over in a brisk walk and end up slightly in front of the girl - I’m very wary of scaring her but equally, if I don’t do something, I’m worried she could be attacked. I ask her calmly but quickly does she know the man who’s walking behind her and she looks round at him, then says no. At this point the we have all stopped dead in the street. I shout to the man and say I want a word, and almost immediately, he takes off sprinting back the way he came. Not the actions of someone with innocent intentions.

I didn’t chase him but tried explaining the situation as best I could to a fairly drunk girl and managed to get her to her front door further down the street. Then when I eventually got home I reported it. Never heard anything back so no idea if the police ever followed it up.

I constantly stress to my sister and other female friends, never ever walk home alone. Even in a seemingly nice area.

Shurl · 31/03/2022 16:01

@StrawberrySquash

YANBU. I think part of why DH thinks it is weird is because he would be seen less positively than you would be for doing what you did. So to him it feels more stalky.
This is so so true. And needs to be said more loudly. It's not just that men are useless and don't notice
Tilltheend99 · 31/03/2022 16:02

@Nubnamechange

Not weird and I pray to God that people do this for my girls.
Same
KosherDill · 31/03/2022 16:03

I don't blame you.

A couple of years ago driving on a country lane I saw a couple on the side of the road, their bikes discarded -- they were uni age. He seemed to be holding her down. It was a lonely area.

I went past, then stopped and reversed. "Everything OK there?" The guy looked at me oddly but I said "Allow her to sit up and answer me..." She was OK and we chatted for a moment. No doubt I seemed like some middle-aged busybody interrupting their tryst, but better safe than sorry.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 31/03/2022 16:03

@RonObvious

Men don't get it though. I honestly think that if most men really knew the levels of harrassment that women can face they would be horrified. Not to mention that this harrassment can start from the age of 12/13. I don't think what you did was weird at all - you were concerned and just checked that everything was okay. I was regularly followed by a man when I was a teen, and the police just dismissed it as "someone with a crush", and told me to walk a different way to school.
Men don't get it though

I think this is true - unless they're told.

I'm the father of teenage daughters. One of them was walking ahead of me along the street when a car slowed down and some arsehole leaned out to shout something lewd at her.

I caught up and said, "There are some arseholes about. Ignore it."

She said, "I always do."

"You always do?"

"Yeah, it happens a lot."

"What's a lot?"

"Couple of times a day. Has since I was thirteen or fourteen."

I was absolutely flabbergasted. I really didn't know that they'd been putting up with that sort of harrassment at that sort of level. I assumed it was rare occurence.

So, OP, thank you.

CanIHaveASnaaaaak · 31/03/2022 16:04

Thank you for doing that. If that was my DD I would be relieved to know there are good strangers out there who will look out for her.

Member984815 · 31/03/2022 16:05

Not weird at all

Ncwinc · 31/03/2022 16:07

I’ve never approached any girls like that but I have deliberately gone and sat near to lone teenage girls on public transport when there are dodgy/drunk looking men around. I remember older women doing the same for me when I was a teen. I’ve also detoured on a dog walk when I saw a man seeming to follow a teenage girl from a bus stop. I didn’t follow them home or anything Grin , just stayed a bit behind her for a few minutes, where he could see me, until he turned off.

LampLighter414 · 31/03/2022 16:07

I think it's weird personally

BoredZelda · 31/03/2022 16:08

Because her husband told her he thought it was so she's questioning her judgement

@DebenhamsHadSomeLovelyStuff Because I was telling Dh and said 'is it weird that I did that?' She questioned her own judgement first, apparently, which is why I asked the question.

Ceci03 · 31/03/2022 16:09

I always tell my DD who is 18 now, to look for a "mum" if she's in trouble. One day a few years ago now she was going into town on the train. I dropped her off and saw her onto the train - I know, protective mum right! At the next stop a drunk man got on and sat right opposite her. He started touching her leg, and being inappropriate with her and saying sexual things to her. Not one person in the carriage said anything or tried to help her. She was scared to move her seat as he thought he might try to follow her so she sat there for 50 mins trying to ignore him until she got off on her stop. I wish there had been a "nosy mum" there to help her. I told her to always get up and move and sit beside a "mum" if it happens again. But yes please, rather be accused of being nosy, you never know, there might be a time a girl/woman is in trouble and will be so grateful.

Namesrus · 31/03/2022 16:11

I would still and have checked out if someone was okay but please be aware it can be dangerous and look out for your own safety. A lovely male friend of mine, years ago, intervened when he saw a guy hitting a woman in the street they both turned on him (hard to believe I know) and the guy stabbed my friend it was touch and go for a while for my friend. Luckily the police got the guy, CCTV helped, unbelievably the woman tried to say it was my friends fault.

Tilltheend99 · 31/03/2022 16:12

@Laiste

Right thing.

When my eldest was about 15 she walked through the village one evening with a big bag and a pillow to go to a sleep over at her mate's.

Half way there the lady who used to run the dance classes in the village went past in her car. She parked up and ran after DD and asked if she was ok.

Carrying the bag and pillow - thought she'd run away from home. DD laughed and thanked her and told her she was going to a sleep over.

Bless her for that - i've never forgotten it.

Lol. You’ve just reminded me that once, when visiting my DFs house, me and DH were having a blazing row trying to get organised to leave the house. The little old man next door turned up with a frying pan in his hand because he thought we were robbers and was going to tackle us Grin
Ncwinc · 31/03/2022 16:12

I’m sorry that happened to your DD Ceci03. It’s happened to me too and so many other women and girls over the years.

AHungryCaterpillar · 31/03/2022 16:12

@Ceci03

I always tell my DD who is 18 now, to look for a "mum" if she's in trouble. One day a few years ago now she was going into town on the train. I dropped her off and saw her onto the train - I know, protective mum right! At the next stop a drunk man got on and sat right opposite her. He started touching her leg, and being inappropriate with her and saying sexual things to her. Not one person in the carriage said anything or tried to help her. She was scared to move her seat as he thought he might try to follow her so she sat there for 50 mins trying to ignore him until she got off on her stop. I wish there had been a "nosy mum" there to help her. I told her to always get up and move and sit beside a "mum" if it happens again. But yes please, rather be accused of being nosy, you never know, there might be a time a girl/woman is in trouble and will be so grateful.
I don’t like the go and sit next to a mum advice personally, if someone was being harassed I wouldn’t want them coming over to me and my children as I wouldn’t want to risk getting involved in that when with my children so don’t think that’s fair, maybe better to tell her to call the police?
Porcupineintherough · 31/03/2022 16:16

Men dont get it

I think they get that if they follow a teenage girl they'll be considered predatory.

Flatwhitetostayin · 31/03/2022 16:17

Yes, I have done similar. I think it's one of the advantages of being a middle aged female. I know that my male partner would want to do the same but would feel very uncomfortable and only intervene if he thought it absolutely necessary and not freak the person out. Well done for checking.

whynotwhatknot · 31/03/2022 16:17

No it wasnt weird at all

@ahungrycaterpillar thats not very nice of you-and what does she do if theres no police around or near her stop

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