To absolutely HATE unannounced visitors

[pinkpapaya]

I know that I am a bit territorial over my space but I absolutely hate people who just 'drop in' unannounced! I could be in my knickers with a face mask in the middle of the day, having a bad migraine or just fancy uninterrupted time but no, apparently some people think that they can just visit when ever it is convenient for them. It really bugs me. I have actually hidden when the door knocks sometimes because I just can't face the small talk or having to have the house in 'show room' condition. My mum doesn't understand it as she loves visitors whether she has warning or not but to me it feels like an invasion of privacy. She has told me that I am unsociable but am I being unreasonable to expect a call or a text to ask if it is even convenient for them to come?

Yes I hate it. Fine if it's a close friend or family and it's an emergency. But it's not just about not having any makeup on, the house being a mess etc. I'm really busy and I have 3 dcs. I could be in the middle of something, or just on my way out. It's happened before and made me late for things or set dinner back hours and it's really inconvenient. I'm particularly sensitive because the other week, just before that storm, dd let our neighbour into my house. I was in the bedroom just getting something or getting changed and the next thing you know, the neighbour was coming up my stairs calling my name!! It really shook me and I couldn't believe it .

@CookPassBabtridge

Yep very rude and I have never done it to anyone else, it's like "I don't care what you're doing, you will make time for me" All it takes is a text to ask. I wonder if it's mostly the older generation though. My mum and mum in law would never do it, but I remember growing up and allsorts of people just popping in. But my mum had to work hard keeping the house in visitor mode and being dressed all the time. Fuck that! 😆 I love how things are gradually getting more relaxed. People hang out in the comfort of their pjs at home, don't sweat so much about a bit of mess. It's freeing of stifling societal expectations.

Yes this was normal in a time of no phones and women not working out of the home - people just dropped by - but I suspect that there were social etiquette boundaries then - ie not before x time or after y time or during dinner time….or staying too long - likely had a pattern or routine eg dropped in after church on a Sunday or the way back from allotment on a Tuesday that the host was familiar with

Depends. House tidy don't mind. Unannounced and the house is a bit untidy I'm not as keen. Then again no one really comes to see me anyway.

@whyrusoangry

I never, ever have guests in my home.

I feel like my home is my safe space and I don't want to entertain anyone there. It's for me, DH and our children.

I always meet at a mutual venue. Unless I'm taking the children to their grandparents for a visit - both sets love the children being there.

But a huge no from me re visitors, never mind unannounced!

What about your kids friends? Are they not allowed to visit?

I have two extremely close friends and my brothers who I don’t care if they drop round unannounced but anyone else and I probably wouldn’t let them in!

It winds me up so much - more so because I work from home (always have, even before covid) and people just seem to think that means I'm available all the time - then get pissy at me if I don't invite them in, don't talk much, stay on my laptop when they're here, etc.

I am with @SquirrelG. Our neighbours come round without notice and vice versa and I don't think any of us think anything of it. I don't get this always having to be prepared etc. How do you cope at work, when the phone rings and you have no idea what's going to be thrown at you? Is this why young people never call each other, it is considered rude?
I am clearly old.

I totally love it 🥰

I don't care about kids friends as long as they entertain them. It's just people who come to see 'me'. The dcs aren't generally in the middle of loads of chores, so they can entertain them.

@3totheright4totheleft but sometimes it's really inconvenient! What if you've just got out of the shower or getting changed? What if you're just about to go to an appointment or take dcs to an activity? What if you're just about to put a young dc to bed? What do you do, keep the child up and mess up their routine, leave the guest downstairs on their own?? Dh's parents turned up unannounced the other day, I was in the phone, important call to the school and older dc's dad. I felt rude, I had to yell at dh to come downstairs and basically ignore them and go in another room to finish the calls.

@SquirrelG

Well, personally I think you all have sad little lives if it is too much trouble to welcome a family member or a friend into your home without having advance warning that they are coming. Where I live people still say "If you're in the neighbourhood call in for a coffee" and mean it.

What do you do if they turn up at an inconvenient time, then?

Nothing wrong with relatively impromptu/ad hoc visits, they can be very enjoyable, but in this day and age it's not unreasonable to expect that people will make a quick call/drop a message to check it's convenient with the other person. Turning up on someone's doorstep (perhaps with the exception of close friends and family IF they're not going to be offended if they're told it's a bad time) belongs in the past imo. At one time it might have been the only way to see people, but it's unnecessary in this day and age when there are so many means of communication at people's disposal.

Very often, in my experience, impromptu visitors do expect their hosts to drop everything and entertain them for hours, possibly also cook them a meal, and imo it's disrespectful of other people's time to assume they are able to make this work, especially nowadays when many people have busier lives and a lot of stuff to fit into the times when they're not working.

If it's inconvenient then just say so! I wouldn't take offence, especially if I hadn't asked.

How do you cope at work, when the phone rings and you have no idea what's going to be thrown at you?

Easily, it’s work and you know it is highly likely something that is going to deal with your job. There are expectations there that you are fully aware of before you start the job, quickly learn as you go, or you’ve been there long enough that nothing surprises you.

At home, you’re the one who sets the tone and expectations. If you tell people to please text and call before coming, they should do so regardless of their personal feelings because it is your home. If you don’t mind people inviting themselves to your home with no warning, again, your home, you make the rules. Obviously, many people do mind for xyz and there is nothing wrong with that because it’s their home and they have the final say of who comes and goes.

Its a running joke in our family and dh and I never open the door or answer the house phone. Ever. Unless its a planned visit. Living in a flat makes this easier admittedly. But yea no point turning up unannounced. We wouldn't open

@Passthebubbly

This situation is actually about to end a friendship for me. Have asked so many times for her to just text and check i am free. Happens multiple times a month and once she stayed for 11 hours as I felt too polite to ask her to leave.

11 hours 😬 What time did they arrive? Did you have to feed them all day too? Wow thats just so rude. Even if you're invited to someone's home for dinner you don't stay 11 hours!

@WingingItSince1973, came at 10am and stayed all day long. In a Sunday. I should have manned up and said time to go. Other times I have said that she will say “oh just you crack on with whatever I will just sit here”. Honestly had enough of it. Last time it happened I had actively said “don’t come round I am busy” and she still turned up my son let her in. She turned up once at 9.30 on a Saturday night with her adult daughter and again on a Sunday with her mother: it’s honestly awful. Have turned round before and she has been standing in my kitchen having just walked in.

People who come to read the gas and electric meters are the worst!
They always turn up at the most inconvenient times!!!

[quote Passthebubbly]**@WingingItSince1973, came at 10am and stayed all day long. In a Sunday. I should have manned up and said time to go. Other times I have said that she will say “oh just you crack on with whatever I will just sit here”. Honestly had enough of it. Last time it happened I had actively said “don’t come round I am busy” and she still turned up my son let her in. She turned up once at 9.30 on a Saturday night with her adult daughter and again on a Sunday with her mother: it’s honestly awful. Have turned round before and she has been standing in my kitchen having just walked in.[/quote]
When people like her have poor boundaries it then becomes the responsibility of us to hold ours higher and stronger.

You must know that she doesn’t do this with others - because no one else would endure this. She just does it with you.

Are you afraid of confrontation escalating to conflict?

Just be ready next time - rinse and repeat:

No. It’s not convenient now.
No. As I said it’s not convenient now.

Please call ahead next time to see if I am free.

Sorry no - I am busy (not specific)

Sorry no - not now - I will let you know and get back to you (not specific)

No sorry - that doesn’t work for me

New rules - she doesn’t step over your door unless you have arranged a time before. If she comes in the back door - stand up escort her out - calmly repeating phrases above.

If you do arrange for her to visit be clear on times 2-3 etc. But why not arrange to meet in a park or cafe so that you can get up and leave.

Also don’t be worried about offending these types - they are sooooo thick skinned - most people will have shuffled her right along many times so she will be used to it - probably can’t believe her luck with you.

Would drive me nuts - but only you can fix this by being very explicit direct - she is ignoring or can’t read implicit social cues @WingingItSince1973

I don't mind so much if people do this as they're just passing/want to drop something off. My brother for example will often do this. However he has never been offended if I've said "now is not a good time".

My in laws on the other hand 🤯 they live 40 minutes away and will arrive when it is convenient for them. Even if I've said we are just about to head out they will still try to stay.

I'll never forget getting home from hospital after having DS. I'd been in a few days and they'd visited every day. Arrived home that evening and was sitting on the sofa with boobs out. Curtains all closed and we were getting ready to head up to bed about 9:30pm. MIL and FIL banging the doors and windows and ringing our phones looking in. All dressed up ready to sit and be entertained 😠 so rude. DH told her she needed to arrange to visit and then little digs were made about needing to make an appointment to see her own grandson 🙄
She kept it up for weeks, landing with various relatives and neighbours of hers. Until one day I completely lost my shit. She doesn't do it anymore 😁

I hate it. My 3 grown up dc just walk in with their partners and my gdc with no call or text. My mother lives close by and pops in and stays for ages with nothing to say. Sil does the same. We both work full time, and never get a weekend free or any peace. This morning i locked the doors, left the keys in, closed theblinds, had no plans, was actually chilling on sat morning for once and no one came.. bliss!

I completely agree. Especially having a baby it's get worse people think they can just knock on the door come in and be offered a drink and stay for hours!!
I ignore It as it is rude unless I don't mind and am in the mood.
I've had it happen to me whilst my baby is sleeping and when the door go my dog goes mad and wakes baby up so then the person who knocked phoned me and i told them they woke my baby up because they rang the door which set off my dog so they feel bad and don't just turn up in announced again. Luckily I can turn my doorbell off which I now do everytime baby is napping. It is an invasion on your own privacy I personally think especially having children. There's probly mixed opinions but if someone wants to come round it must be arranged. Also you could have COVID! I'm sure they would stay away then!
Someone once told me if that happens and they see you and know your in grab your coat and tell them your going out ☺️ good tip

Read Mra Beetons household management. Basically advises you to get breakfast all tided quickly and then put on a pinny, to be easily removed for unexpected visitors whilst you do your cleaning.

I love it! It's nice and it's reassuring that the world can keep ticking without phones. If I wasn't dressed obviously I wouldn't answer the door. I Wish more people were less uptight socially

I absolutely hate this and don't understand why anyone does it!

I like a busy, friendly house but none of the people I love to have here would dream of simply turning up without a text. It's good manners. I don't think it is a generational thing either as I'm ancient and my mother was similar in really welcoming guests but liking a quick heads up so you'd be able to enjoy their company, not resent it.

I'll be moving from a fairly remote place soon. One friend has already reminded me how much fun it was back in the days when I lived in town and she'd just rock up on Saturday mornings and stay for bloody hours So I've already pre-empted this by saying how useful it is that we've now all got mobile phones and can sent a quick text ahead of an appearance. Only IMHO it's perfectly possible to dislike unannounced visits without being seen as some sort of recluse.