DS (5) ASD eating items before we have paid for them

[Mouk]

I live near a small supermarket. For the past 7 years. It is 2 minute walk away and we have always encountered polite employees in this supermarket. I'm actually close pals with one of them. We'll call her Susan. The manager, we'll call Tom and the employee who spoke to me today, we'll call him Dave.

My son (5) enjoys accompanying me to the shop and his little routine is that he picks up a Fruit Shoot (takes the lid off) and sips on it, we then go to the ice cream freezer and he selects one, I remove the wrapper and hand the ice to him. I then place the wrapper in my basket and we continue on around the shop. When we get to the till I place all the items on the counter and pay. The cashiers always smile and offer to place the wrapper in the bin behind the tills. We have done this for at least 2 years. The staff are always friendly to my son and myself and my daughter (8) too.

Today we went over to the shop for a few items. As usual my son got his fruit shoot and his ice cream, I kept a hold of the empties and duly paid for all my items at the till (as I always do). I have never stolen anything in my whole life and don't have a criminal record. Go me! At the ripe old age of 45 I'm not gonna start now. At the till, the gentleman serving me remarked that my 2 litre container of milk was leaking. After paying he said I could go back down to the milk fridge and select a different one. I did so.

As I was selecting the milk, employee Dave approached me and said "Just to let you know, you can't do that anymore - you cannot eat items before paying for them" He of course was referencing my non verbal son but talking to me. I said "I'm sorry, I didn't know that". I then said that my son was autistic and it was his routine. Dave said "that doesn't matter, you still can't be doing that". I then said "he's 5, it's not hurting anyone". Dave said "it's what the big boss man has said". I said ok, and we left the store with the items we had paid for. I went bright red and actually felt like a criminal. When I think back, when we walked in Tom looked over at us and made eye contact with me - perhaps I'm being paranoid in hindsight.

I rang Susan afterwards to get her opinion. She is astonished that I was treated that way. She said I'm one of the long time regulars and if they had a problem with this, then why didnt they say something before now. I asked her if this was a rule. There is a secondary school 4 minutes walk away and they do not allow the teens to eat what they have purchased inside the shop as they have to limit the numbers at lunchtimes or the shop would be jam packed with students. They allow about 10 in at any one time. She said it's different with younger kids or so she thought.

I'll add that us shopping at this small supermarket has greatly helped my son with his social skills. He's learned road safety on our walk there. He knows we have to queue up to pay. He's able to walk around the shop with me without needing to hold my hand, he's no longer a flight risk, FGS he even knows how to social distance in a queue from our outings to this wonderful shop.

Susan has advised me to approach Tom politely on Monday when he's next there and ask to clarify a few things in a private area. Not in view of the general public. I wish I would have been awarded some privacy today when Dave spoke to me. Anyone could have overheard, I regularly bump into my neighbours at this shop.

1. Will it be ok for us to pay for the fruit shoot and ice cream, let my son eat and drink them while we shop, then I get to the till and purchase the rest of my items.

1. Will I always be looked at with suspision?

1. Is my son welcome in the shop. What is their policy on people with a disability. Hidden or otherwise.

YABU? (It's effectively stealing the item (i.e. eating it) before paying - son will just have to learn.
YANBU? He's 5 years old and is autistic. It's his little routine and we always pay. Manager needs to cop himself on.

We do this at sainsburys and my kids don't have autism. It just makes shopping easier with little ones. They sit and eat in the trolley and I shop. At the end I pay. Been doing it for 4 years, nobody cares. As you say it isn't hurting. People are so precious about everything these days it's getting absurd.

Sorry but I think you’re being totally unreasonable here.

It’s nice that the store have allowed you and your son to do this for two years but they’re not wrong for saying ‘just to let you know, you can’t do that anymore.’ Seems like he didn’t say anything in a rude way and maybe the manager doesn’t want to allow this anymore, who knows. I still don’t see what they’ve done wrong.

Calling the other employee seems a bit dramatic to me and I’m surprised she was ‘astonished’ by how you were treated because I’m not really seeing what’s wrong here….

Will it be ok for us to pay for the fruit shoot and ice cream, let my son eat and drink them while we shop, then I get to the till and purchase the rest of my items.

I think that’s what you should do from now on

There was a huge thread the other day about eating items before paying for them. Tbh I would never do it and I have an autistic child but it’s a no no as far as I’m concerned.

I think YABVU. I would instead buy the 2 things he wants and then do your shopping.

Although this kind of thing has come up on mumsnet before I can't imagine thinking eating things before you had paid for them is okay! If it happened once with my kids I'd have been so apologetic. What if someone did htis then realised they'd forgotten their wallet or their phone died or card declined etc. Also its good to know we can't just take stuff in the supermarket and eat it but we have to pay for it.

I have a child with sn , non verbal at 5 . He knew then that we paid for items before eating . Problem is that you let him do it so now you have a situation. Whilst I accept disabilities , I want to make my son as 'normal ' as possible and teaching him the rules of life is one of those things . Obvs we are all different but it's not something I would do .

It sounds like they handled it politely but I agree with Pp, sympathise greatly as I grew up with a brother with v similar situation/conditions and your ds has now learned that it's ok to help themselves to things in shops before paying. That's something that will have to be unlearned or re taught anyway. Might as well start now that nothing is eaten/drunk before its paid for.

My daughter with ASD just knows you don’t eat the food before you pay for it. I hate seeing kids in supermarkets eating four they haven’t paid for. It’s not a cafe.

I always gave mine a packet of those baby crisps to get on with as they sat in the trolley and Tescos never complained. So I dont think you are unreasonable in principle but if the shop is now saying no then I dont think you can argue that this is your right.

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable tbh. I also have an autistic child, so I totally get routine and the need for them to be doing something during the trip, but I always felt uncomfortable letting them eat before we'd paid. I used to take food with me (that was obviously not sold in the shop, so that they wouldn't think I'd stolen it!) or go to the supermarkets that offer fruit for kids at the entrance.

But it's difficult now that he expects that. It might be worth trying to change that and try and let him know that you need to pay for things first, as when he gets older it will become unacceptable anyway.

It would be a big no no from me. The issue here though is that he now expects to be handed the items as soon as he goes into the shop because that’s what you’ve always done.
Now is an ideal opportunity to change that behaviour. We don’t know your child, so could make all sorts of suggestions that wouldn’t be appropriate to his needs. I’d start with a social story though, then go from there.

It's always been a hard no for me I find it shocking people do it tbh my kids have special needs I usually carry a drink for one of them with me (the thirsty one) but the rest can wait im shopping not running a marathon it doesn't take that long genuinely

I’m sorry you’re upset op, but this was a bad habit to get into and you really should have been on top of it from the get go. I’ve worked with many children with ASD, from 2 up to 19 and this is not something we ever would have done with them.

I totally get why you feel uncomfortable and I hope you are able to continue shopping there. Maybe a social story would help explain the new rules and routine to your DS?

Yabu. Go in, buy the fruit shoot and ice cream and then do your normal shop. My kid is autistic so I know the struggles of routine but you started this when you could have done it differently. The staff were polite and as honest as you are, many aren't. It's store policy so you need to stick to it

I think too that the autism/rule following nature it would probably be best NOT to teach that you can just take things from shops. Having a rule that you "have to pay for things first" will help as time goes on and they go in other shops etc. (I have autistic kids, but suspect I am also ND which might be why I am such a rule follower in the first place and the idea of someone casually breaking a rule like this every time makes me feel funny!)

It’s actually you who needs to “cop onto yourself”. You shouldn’t have let this routine emerge and lm surprised the shop have sucked it up this long

I really don’t see the issue with allowing your children to eat something before paying for it at the till. I’ve done this countless times and will continue. It makes shopping with my children easier and I wouldn’t dream of not paying for all items consumed. As long as the supermarket gets their money, would difference does it make? As you were, OP. Sorry that this has been upsetting for you, and I hope your little one and you don’t feel uncomfortable to go shopping there again.

If it’s true that the big boss has said this, then you can’t blame Dave for trying to enforce it. He’s just doing his job, and it doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong. It’s not unreasonable to expect customers to pay for things before consuming them.

I know that plenty of us have done similar and it shouldn’t be a big deal, but we all know we’re chancing it. We don’t have a right to feed our children in the supermarket even if we do always pay at the end.

Buy the things at the start and keep the receipt in case challenged. Teach your son that you have to pay before you eat the shop food. Or bring a fruit shoot from home.

(I would have an issue with eating a potentially messy ice cream inside a shop too though tbf. I wouldn't let mine do that!)

Also, Susan is just being nice to you. Her opinion is irrelevant anyway if the boss told Dave to tell people not to do this.

It's not acceptable to eat and drink in shops. Spillages and dripping ice lollies could cause slipping incidents. The supermarket would then be liable.

I have an autistic son neatly 4. I've always made it routine that we take our items and pay and I say give money now you can have it. You're going to have to make a new routine to stop any further incidents like this.

I have a dc with severe autism, I understand the need for routine but you need to look ahead. What is cute and acceptable when they are little can be a rod for your back when they get older. I was once told by a very well respected autism teacher / advisor "If you wouldn't want your child do do x in Tesco when they are 18 then work on stopping it now as the longer you leave it the harder it will be"
The shop could have addressed the issue better.

I always did this when my kids were little - and occasionally do it myself if I'm really thirsty. Never been an issue except it messes up automated tills (an empty drink bottle doesn't register the same weight on the scanned side). I think you're right to speak quietly to the Manager - you're a regular and this is the routine they have co-operated in getting your son in to. You sound like a lovely Mum btw.

I used to let Dd in our small local supermarket, similar to you, we knew we staff.
She's now 20 and I still go in there all the time, though Dd tends not to eat a lunchable on the way round now