DS (5) ASD eating items before we have paid for them

[Mouk]

I live near a small supermarket. For the past 7 years. It is 2 minute walk away and we have always encountered polite employees in this supermarket. I'm actually close pals with one of them. We'll call her Susan. The manager, we'll call Tom and the employee who spoke to me today, we'll call him Dave.

My son (5) enjoys accompanying me to the shop and his little routine is that he picks up a Fruit Shoot (takes the lid off) and sips on it, we then go to the ice cream freezer and he selects one, I remove the wrapper and hand the ice to him. I then place the wrapper in my basket and we continue on around the shop. When we get to the till I place all the items on the counter and pay. The cashiers always smile and offer to place the wrapper in the bin behind the tills. We have done this for at least 2 years. The staff are always friendly to my son and myself and my daughter (8) too.

Today we went over to the shop for a few items. As usual my son got his fruit shoot and his ice cream, I kept a hold of the empties and duly paid for all my items at the till (as I always do). I have never stolen anything in my whole life and don't have a criminal record. Go me! At the ripe old age of 45 I'm not gonna start now. At the till, the gentleman serving me remarked that my 2 litre container of milk was leaking. After paying he said I could go back down to the milk fridge and select a different one. I did so.

As I was selecting the milk, employee Dave approached me and said "Just to let you know, you can't do that anymore - you cannot eat items before paying for them" He of course was referencing my non verbal son but talking to me. I said "I'm sorry, I didn't know that". I then said that my son was autistic and it was his routine. Dave said "that doesn't matter, you still can't be doing that". I then said "he's 5, it's not hurting anyone". Dave said "it's what the big boss man has said". I said ok, and we left the store with the items we had paid for. I went bright red and actually felt like a criminal. When I think back, when we walked in Tom looked over at us and made eye contact with me - perhaps I'm being paranoid in hindsight.

I rang Susan afterwards to get her opinion. She is astonished that I was treated that way. She said I'm one of the long time regulars and if they had a problem with this, then why didnt they say something before now. I asked her if this was a rule. There is a secondary school 4 minutes walk away and they do not allow the teens to eat what they have purchased inside the shop as they have to limit the numbers at lunchtimes or the shop would be jam packed with students. They allow about 10 in at any one time. She said it's different with younger kids or so she thought.

I'll add that us shopping at this small supermarket has greatly helped my son with his social skills. He's learned road safety on our walk there. He knows we have to queue up to pay. He's able to walk around the shop with me without needing to hold my hand, he's no longer a flight risk, FGS he even knows how to social distance in a queue from our outings to this wonderful shop.

Susan has advised me to approach Tom politely on Monday when he's next there and ask to clarify a few things in a private area. Not in view of the general public. I wish I would have been awarded some privacy today when Dave spoke to me. Anyone could have overheard, I regularly bump into my neighbours at this shop.

1. Will it be ok for us to pay for the fruit shoot and ice cream, let my son eat and drink them while we shop, then I get to the till and purchase the rest of my items.

1. Will I always be looked at with suspision?

1. Is my son welcome in the shop. What is their policy on people with a disability. Hidden or otherwise.

YABU? (It's effectively stealing the item (i.e. eating it) before paying - son will just have to learn.
YANBU? He's 5 years old and is autistic. It's his little routine and we always pay. Manager needs to cop himself on.

This week I took my 11 year old to a cafe, and she waited until the second the payment went through, asked 'do we own it now?', before starting

If this is true then frankly that is weird af. Especially as it is common in cafes/restaurants to pay after.

@WashedupTroll

This week I took my 11 year old to a cafe, and she waited until the second the payment went through, asked 'do we own it now?', before starting

If this is true then frankly that is weird af. Especially as it is common in cafes/restaurants to pay after.

It's true. It was a Costa and you pay at the till. Also DD2 has 'something' going on that's neuro-diverse - we're waiting for a SALT assessment for the first bit before seeing what other assessments she needs - and over-describing and running a commentary on her life is part of her condition.

She comes across as an overly chatty child, with unclear speech. It's called Cluttering. So would you like me to tell her she's frankly as weird AF, or can we just move on with our lives, as we lead them?

I’m amazed by your calm response on this thread OP. Credit to you. It’s hard being told yabu!

I wonder if there’s anything else you could take to entertain your DS other than food, like a fidget toy, music and headphones or something to look at.

Fruit shoot plus ice cream in a short space of time you’re in a shop seems like a massive sugar hit which might not help behaviour wise and definitely not dental health wise if he’s having other sweet stuff regularly too.

My DD often struggled after a party and can become quite upset. Part of that will be the excitement of the party but I’m convinced it’s the chugging down of a day’s worth of sugar in 1-2 hours at play as well.

You are so massively entitled and unreasonable. And no, I’m not trying to dismiss your struggles as a parent of the child with autism, but you are not doing any favours to him either.

1. Is my son welcome in the shop. What is their policy on people with a disability. Hidden or otherwise

I’m sad on behalf of other parents of children with SEN. You’re trying to justify your poor behaviour using your child’s disability and it’s vile. Your child is welcome in this shop. You can take a snack from home or bulk buy in advance and keep his routine going if you wish. It doesn’t have to be an item that DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU.

@Yesiknowyes

3. Is my son welcome in the shop. What is their policy on people with a disability. Hidden or otherwise

I’m sad on behalf of other parents of children with SEN. You’re trying to justify your poor behaviour using your child’s disability and it’s vile. Your child is welcome in this shop. You can take a snack from home or bulk buy in advance and keep his routine going if you wish. It doesn’t have to be an item that DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU.

It's common. 'Oh X is autistic' erm, ok, but you are still allowed to parent them. I know children don't all respond the same so you have to find a way that works for you. The fact that he doesn't understand isn't justification. If he doesn't understand not to walk in front of cars do you just let him because he is autistic, or do you prevent it?

I mean a generic 'you' btw. I direct this at every parent who excuses behaviour that they should be preventing.

@Mumsgirls

Don’t know how we managed to bring up kids years ago who could go shopping or to church without food as a bribe for a whole hour? Just giving in for a quiet life does not teach self control and must be contributing to the obesity crisis. You are doing yourselves or children even those with issues no favours at all

I'm not sure If you realise this but autism has always been around. The likelihood of being able to take severely autistic children shopping or to church without inconvenient (to you) adaptations, and have it run smoothly, is exceptionally low.

Ignorance.

Surely the issue isn't eating the food in the shop, but the fact it's being eaten before it's paid for? Not that they're saying you may steal it - but what if you get to the till and can't pay? So buying the fruit shoot and ice cream first and then going around for the rest of the shopping may work?

I worked in a supermarket for years. This may well be common practise and have been tolerated but it has never been allowed. Because for every person who keeps the wrappers and pays when they get to the till, there will be another who 'accidentally' leaves it on a shelf somewhere or drops it.

Personally I don’t think it’s a routine you should have started in the first place. Teach your son that he has to wait for the walk home to eat his treats. Yes, it will be harder now as it’s been your way but surely at some point he will be too old for this and if your teaching him social skills I’d say waiting till you leave a shop to start eating is a good skill to have. I don’t think it’s about stealing. It’s a shop not a cafe. I wouldn’t want my (messy) children spilling drinks and ice creams over a shop or having sticky fingers all over whatever they might touch in shop.

I let my toddler do this and don't see the harm at all. I think YANBU at all.

No harm in asking, if he's nice he'll probably make an exception. I think you're being a little silly with your proposal of asking him if your son is welcome in the store - you know he is. You're being defensive because you were embarrassed I get that, but if you truly want a solution and for your son to continue his routine I wouldn't be petty and insolent as that won't help the situation in any way. Having a disability - hidden or otherwise - doesn't mean you're allowed to take as yet unpaid for food, it's a kindness that can be granted at will.

Approach Tom. Politely explain the situation and ask if it's ok with him to continue.

I've worked in supermarkets in a past life and you would be shocked how many people do this with food that is weighed at the till. Or just grabbing a handful of grapes off the shelf with no intention of purchasing any grapes etc. they think it's fine/not stealing but it is. So that's where the policy will have come from (if it's actually store policy).

@Getoff

so long as you are planning to pay for something it isn’t theft to open things before you have paid for them

It is theft. If you think it isn't, there's a barrister on Youtube ("Black Belt Barrister") you need to email to tell him he doesn't understand the law.

The way he explained it, if you consume an item before it passes through the till, you are denying the shop the opportunity to refuse to sell it to you, you are taking away their right to control the disposal of their property.

Also the shop cannot be certain you are going to pay for it. Plenty don’t.

YANBU…I did li when my daughter was a tricky eater and sitting in the trolley eating a sandwich and then paying at the end of the shop .
I genuinely cannot see what the problem is …sounds petty IMHO .

The shop doesn't know your circumstances or personal struggles. They think you are just someone who is comfortable opening the food before it is paid for and not explaining why you are doing that, and not saying anything about it. Such as 'I hope you don't mind he's opened it already and if I don't allow him to open it before we get to the till, he gets very upset and that's very difficult'.
You are taking it personally.
Viewed objectively it is unreasonable. Looked at with consideration and your special circumstances, I'm sure the shop would be absolutely fine with it.

I am really surprised at the poll results. I don't think it's unreasonable at all. I do this very frequently with the weekly shop. The people at the checkout don't bat an eyelid when they see the opened item. They are used to it. I wonder does the opinion on this depend on the region you're from? Is it less offensive if it's part of a bigger trolley shop? I'm intrigued.

Whether people do it themselves or not is irrelevant. The shop have very reasonably asked them to stop it. It really shouldn’t be a big issue and the Op herself accepted that last night

You are hugely YABU and frankly I think your child autism is a red herring. Kids grab ice creams, lollies, cookies in a supermarket and want to eat them. Some parents will say no, some parents will open the packet and give the ice cream or a cookie to them. You then keep the wrap/packet and give it to the cashier and pay for it. It has nothing to do with your child being autistic - you just need to pay what you consume in or outside the supermarket.

You've been very lucky no one stopped you until now.

No. You shouldn't have taught your DS that it's okay to start eating things in shops before he's paid for them!

He needs to start learning this now, because it won't be looked on so indulgently when he's 16. People WILL assume he's shoplifting.

By all means pay for his 2 items first, and then carry on with your shopping. But stop with the eating and drinking before you've paid.

Or even better, do your shopping at some other time. Take him in to buy his 2 things, then leave.

I've never been in a supermarket where there is a problem for anyone eating from a packet or opening a drink while they shop. Kids or adults. However, everyone expects to pay for it at the till.

Man it's like telling little boys being told to not piss all over the toilet seat. So many CFs about.

@WashedupTroll

This week I took my 11 year old to a cafe, and she waited until the second the payment went through, asked 'do we own it now?', before starting

If this is true then frankly that is weird af. Especially as it is common in cafes/restaurants to pay after.

It's common in restaurants not in cafes

@elfycat

My children are the same way I've always taught them not to eat in shops (literally signs on the doors in our town) and it's not yours until I've paid for it even my 21 year old takes nothing until its paid for 🤣

OP you're being totally unreasonable. Disability or not, it's not right to eat something before it's been paid for. They can't have one rule for you and one for everyone else. If they allowed everyone to do this, how would they keep tabs on it? It's nice your son has this routine but you'd do better teaching him we pay for things first. Get the items.. pay, carry on shopping.

You're acting a bit entitled as you then state that you wonder if you're disabled son might not be welcomed anymore, where that clearly wasn't the case. He wasn't being singled out, he was being treated like every other customer!

What a ridiculous routine to teach your son. No he shouldn't be eating or drinking anything before it's paid for - why is that not common sense? The shop are well within their rights to put a stop to this.