DS (5) ASD eating items before we have paid for them

[Mouk]

I live near a small supermarket. For the past 7 years. It is 2 minute walk away and we have always encountered polite employees in this supermarket. I'm actually close pals with one of them. We'll call her Susan. The manager, we'll call Tom and the employee who spoke to me today, we'll call him Dave.

My son (5) enjoys accompanying me to the shop and his little routine is that he picks up a Fruit Shoot (takes the lid off) and sips on it, we then go to the ice cream freezer and he selects one, I remove the wrapper and hand the ice to him. I then place the wrapper in my basket and we continue on around the shop. When we get to the till I place all the items on the counter and pay. The cashiers always smile and offer to place the wrapper in the bin behind the tills. We have done this for at least 2 years. The staff are always friendly to my son and myself and my daughter (8) too.

Today we went over to the shop for a few items. As usual my son got his fruit shoot and his ice cream, I kept a hold of the empties and duly paid for all my items at the till (as I always do). I have never stolen anything in my whole life and don't have a criminal record. Go me! At the ripe old age of 45 I'm not gonna start now. At the till, the gentleman serving me remarked that my 2 litre container of milk was leaking. After paying he said I could go back down to the milk fridge and select a different one. I did so.

As I was selecting the milk, employee Dave approached me and said "Just to let you know, you can't do that anymore - you cannot eat items before paying for them" He of course was referencing my non verbal son but talking to me. I said "I'm sorry, I didn't know that". I then said that my son was autistic and it was his routine. Dave said "that doesn't matter, you still can't be doing that". I then said "he's 5, it's not hurting anyone". Dave said "it's what the big boss man has said". I said ok, and we left the store with the items we had paid for. I went bright red and actually felt like a criminal. When I think back, when we walked in Tom looked over at us and made eye contact with me - perhaps I'm being paranoid in hindsight.

I rang Susan afterwards to get her opinion. She is astonished that I was treated that way. She said I'm one of the long time regulars and if they had a problem with this, then why didnt they say something before now. I asked her if this was a rule. There is a secondary school 4 minutes walk away and they do not allow the teens to eat what they have purchased inside the shop as they have to limit the numbers at lunchtimes or the shop would be jam packed with students. They allow about 10 in at any one time. She said it's different with younger kids or so she thought.

I'll add that us shopping at this small supermarket has greatly helped my son with his social skills. He's learned road safety on our walk there. He knows we have to queue up to pay. He's able to walk around the shop with me without needing to hold my hand, he's no longer a flight risk, FGS he even knows how to social distance in a queue from our outings to this wonderful shop.

Susan has advised me to approach Tom politely on Monday when he's next there and ask to clarify a few things in a private area. Not in view of the general public. I wish I would have been awarded some privacy today when Dave spoke to me. Anyone could have overheard, I regularly bump into my neighbours at this shop.

1. Will it be ok for us to pay for the fruit shoot and ice cream, let my son eat and drink them while we shop, then I get to the till and purchase the rest of my items.

1. Will I always be looked at with suspision?

1. Is my son welcome in the shop. What is their policy on people with a disability. Hidden or otherwise.

YABU? (It's effectively stealing the item (i.e. eating it) before paying - son will just have to learn.
YANBU? He's 5 years old and is autistic. It's his little routine and we always pay. Manager needs to cop himself on.

Yabu; it’s nice they’ve let you do it until now, but if they’ve said you have to stop, then you have to stop. It’s not the manager’s role to cop on here. Just go in and purchase those items first if you want to carry on the routine.

I also think you should have been teaching your child that you pay first. You could always have kept the receipt then carried on with the rest of your shopping.

I don't know of any shops near us that would allow someone to eat an ice cream in the store. A social story to help your child understand why it is not allowed may help, I have worked with lots of people with autism over the years and find them useful for many situations

Everyone knows that you shouldn't eat / drink supermarket goods until you've paid for them. This was a bad habit to get into. ÝABU

The problem is you do it with these items and it works out okay. Another person does it with grapes and a mandarin and a banana you pay for by weight. That means they need a blanket rule.

Could you buy some fruit shoots and ice creams that he likes and he stays a routine of just bringing them from home to have round the shop then it will be very similar for him

YANBU

Ask 'Tom' if he has a few minutes to clarify matters next time you go.

You could offer to pay in advance at the customer service desk for the fruit shoot and the ice lolly.

Sorry but you are in the wrong. You shouldn’t allow your son to eat items you haven’t paid for. If they will allow him to eat in the shop then pay for his snack items first before you do your shopping. If they’re saying he can’t eat in the shop at all, that’s a different matter. Lots of shops have a “no food or drink” policy.

I don't ever let my kids eat or open anything until we've paid. However in your shoes I would buy something at the start or take it in with us to eat on the way around, as long as it's not too messy.

3. Is my son welcome in the shop. What is their policy on people with a disability. Hidden or otherwise

I don't know how you have made the jump from them not being happy ith your child eat ice cream going round the shop to them being hostile and unwelcoming to people with disabilities.

He would need to unlearn this routine at some point, you can't have a 10 year old waslking round eating goods that have not been paid for and you really shouldn't have started that routine in the first place.

You are very much in the wrong. You have to buy the things before you eat them in a shop. It is actually against the law, too.

I’m really sorry but I think yabu. My mum would never ever let us eat something before buying it and it’s so drilled into me that I never did it with my children and used to internally cringe when my friends did it for theirs. I do suspect that I am ASD though so hate breaking rules.

On mumsnet, this is a hanging offence. Meanwhile, in the real world, provided the packaging is put in your basket and the items paid for, it's not generally a problem, although I can see why an ice lolly might not be the best.

When mine were little I would allow them an actimel out of a packet I was buying or a chunk of bread off a French stick. I occasionally drink a bottle of water myself if I feel I need it. Nobody has ever objected and the checkout staff have never been anything other than pleasant about it. I'm sure if it was a problem one of them would have mentioned it at some stage.

No, I don't know why they let you carry it on. One day the shop change staff/managers and the next people probably wouldn't allow it. It's not a good routine to teach him. He has to learn you eat things after paying. It annoys me people opening unpaid packets of things to their kids to eat. Take a snack for them if they can't wait but it's not yours until you pay for it.

I work in a big supermarket so maybe different to a small one but a lot of people do eat things and then not pay. We find various empty packaging on shelves, plenty of chicken bones where people have eaten hot chicken and just dumped the rubbish. Opened packets of crisps dropped all over the floor. And then if people do want to pay for the stuff they have eaten, so often they have managed to rip the barcode when opening things, which causes a delay at the checkout.

Questions 2 and 3 seem like a pretty spectacular escalation under the circumstances and not really in the spirit of a "polite" word. I would say that if you want an amicable resolution then you are pretty much nailed on to not get it if you ask those.

Just speak to the boss calmly and explain your situation. You may or may not get what you want. But veiled accusations won't get you anywhere.

Thank you all for replying. I see now IABU. Some very valid points. I think I was just embarrassed to have been approached on something I let become a bad habit. My son is recently diagnosed and it's a learning curve and I'm still navigating it all.

Of course I see now this is a bad habit I've got us into and I will need to nip it in the bud or else I am doing a disservice to my son. How will he learn it is not acceptable behavior to eat prior to paying. He may have a little trouble getting used to the new shop routine, but he's easy going and will be fine after a times of pre-paying!

Thank you for the suggestion of the social story. Excellent idea.

You've all been so courteous to me. I was nervous to post on AIBU!

*how will he learn otherwise

I have a child with autism, and I wouldn’t have ever started that routine - he needs to learn what is acceptable grown up behaviour in a shop (like the queuing etc) and eating an ice cream, that you haven’t even paid for, is not acceptable. It’s potentially messy, it’s unhygienic and some people wouldn’t pay (and they need a consistent rule).

It’s lovely they’ve accommodated you until now but honestly I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask you to stop and I think quietly mentioning it in an aisle is fine. They didn’t accuse you of theft or march you into a back office. I don’t understand how you’ve jumped from this to thinking your son isn’t welcome in the shop because he has a disability!

Sorry this has upset you, I do the same and have never thought it wasn’t ok.
My Dd sits in the trolley and choose a snack pack/babybels to occupy her as we go around the shop. I give the wrappers to pay at the till and they ask me if I want to throw them away etc. I do this in a large supermarket, I’m not in the U.K.

@OutlookStalking

(I would have an issue with eating a potentially messy ice cream inside a shop too though tbf. I wouldn't let mine do that!)

I thought the same. Ice cream walking around a supermarket really doesn’t sound sensible (or safe for others who may slip on the drips!)

It’s really refreshing to see an OP who has clearly BU take onboard the points made by posters.

Costco, Waitrose and Sainsburys all allow this which is why I try to only shop there when with my son.

I find it incredibly irritating some posters saying well I have an asd child and he / she understands that we pay first. Well good for you but not all children with severe asd and or learning disabilities are able to comprehend this. Not saying that op's child cannot but just because your child can doesn't mean all asd children can.

I remember a tv ad a few years ago for a supermarket where a woman went round trying things and then at the checkout puts through a load of half eaten items. Was the first I had seen it but it’s actually perfectly reasonable.

Unless it’s stuff sold by weight, so long as you are planning to pay for something it isn’t theft to open things before you have paid for them and I think it’s awful that they told you to stop. I would have a word and if they say no then buy those two items first and then do the rest of your shopping.

You shouldn’t have to stop what is a nice and educational routine with your son. Best of luck to you