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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accused of drinking by dh and him sending dc to his mums for safety

351 replies

innocentinallthis · 30/03/2022 18:44

I'm a SAHM and my dh has just got home.
My 3 year old has a book which you use water on a paintbrush and it changes colour to make a picture.
I got a glass out of the cupboard for water for her to dip the paintbrush in, I wanted a small glass so grabbed a square Jack Daniels one that looked sturdy.
Dh came home saw the Jack Daniels glass now empty on the side and came to the conclusion I'd been drinking while looking after the children (I rarely ever drink anyway) and he's taken the children into the lounge insisting I sleep off imaginary drink and called his mother to look after the children while he's at work tomorrow as I've been so irresponsible.
He has looked through the bins for an empty bottle and we are now in different rooms as he won't speak to me until I tell him where the non existent empty bottle is as we don't have alcohol in the house as neither of us drink it.
Just how do you respond? Other than the truth which falls on deaf ears.
He's in such a bad mood mumbling about how unbelievable I am.

OP posts:
LazyJayne · 31/03/2022 11:16

@innocentinallthis please see above from me, meant to tag you.

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 31/03/2022 11:20

Echo everyone else, I would be very worried about what he's planning and document this, in writing. And message his mother explaining how ridiculous it was, that you even proved it with a breathalyser, and that he was acting like this in front of the kids and all whether there is anything in his past that could possibly justify it or if she thinks you and she need to try and get him mental health help.

Definitely in writing. It sounds like he is building a case against you to me, you need to build a defense.

This is speaking as someone who came on here previously with an innocent problem and had Mumsnet tell me my dh was having an affair. I didn't want to hear it but it turned out to be true. There are a lot of wise people on here And i like the booked frog analogy. You need to get your ducks in a row, and I hope we turn out to be wrong, but cover yourself in case Flowers

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 31/03/2022 11:22

ask his mother if there is anything in his past sorry. And boiled frog

Pandypuff · 31/03/2022 11:36

@ThirdElephant

Is he using imaginary alcohol to deflect attention from some misdeed of his own?
I thought this
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/03/2022 12:06

This all sounds very stressful and strange for you.
I would take yourself and the DC to your DM's next time you have cause for concern. In some ways, at least this incident is weird enough to raise questions and might help you start to get to the bottom of whatever is going on.
I agree with people who say keep a record, since if it is a mental health issue, it could be helpful tor get advice from somewhere like Women's Aid
Could you throw out any alcohol that is currently in the house, so that he has no excuse to do this again? Photograph it in the bin too or give to a neighbour. And privately use the Drink Aware app, to record anything from now on so that you have a record?

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2022 12:10

What a bloody weirdo.
What yourself OP

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2022 12:13

@LuckySantangelo35

What a bloody weirdo. What yourself OP
Watch yourself I mean
Quincythequince · 31/03/2022 12:23

Your DH is a dick!
An abusive, controlling dick.
Ask yourself OP, do you want to remain with this man after such an extreme reaction to nothing!

Good god! And his mother?! She Just says nothing about this…at all.

Unless he has had some kind of severe acute MH issue, this is a big red flag.

Telling your where your children are going…I don’t think so.

billy1966 · 31/03/2022 12:24

I really hope the OP is protecting herself via Women's aid, contacting your GP, his GP.

Text your MIL about how concerned and threatening his behaviour was.
Tell her you have contacted both GP's.

Appear very proactive.

I think contacting domesticabuse in your local area.

This is NOT normal behaviour at all.

You have every right to have a glass of alcohol in the presence of your children, should you wish.
You are an adult and have full agency over your decisions.

I would not feel safe with a man capable of suchba threatening, over the top reaction.

Contacting his mother was deeply sinister IMO.

I hope you are protecting yourself.

Snozwanger · 31/03/2022 12:27

This seems very out of the blue. I always choose a heavy bottomed Bacardi glass for my kid's painting for the same reasons as you. Perhaps he has a friend whose wife has been drinking or someone in his past has done this, otherwise this does seem like an overreaction.

Pixiedust1234 · 31/03/2022 12:41

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

I think think the OP seems calm because she’s a boiling frog. This behaviour has been escalating to the point where she sees this current situation as ‘slightly odd’ instead of extremely concerning as she should be.

If he had done this exact same thing 3 years ago she would have tore out of there but it’s been building up for a long time so she doesn’t see it clearly anymore.

This is one reason he has behaved so badly towards you (and the most likely) however I have read several threads involving confused elderly parents who aren't normally confused - turns out they had an undiagnosed urinary infection and returned to normal after taking antibiotics. Could that be a possibility?
georgarina · 31/03/2022 13:15

This is one reason he has behaved so badly towards you (and the most likely) however I have read several threads involving confused elderly parents who aren't normally confused - turns out they had an undiagnosed urinary infection and returned to normal after taking antibiotics. Could that be a possibility?

The only reason this seems unlikely is MIL and OP's reactions. They don't seem outraged or worried as if this is totally out of the blue. Surely MIL would investigate further/speak to OP differently if there wasn't a pattern of behaviour there

YoYoYoYoSup · 31/03/2022 13:18

@innocentinallthis

I've already had the test, it's a battery operated reusable one so it's said 0 and he saw this.

Yes the water painting book was still on the table when he got home and he asked both children what the glass has been used for and was told by both it was water for the paint brush.

I don't think he's having an affair, he barely leaves the house if he can help it, apart from work which is fixed hours so no "overtime"
We go out as a family but he's very indoorsy these days.

Honestly sounds like he's depressed/manic/having a break down. Based on this post. Sit him down and talk - could he have a secret drinking problem? Is he possibly projecting?
olive2621 · 31/03/2022 14:20

It makes no sense that his mother said she wasn't taking sides. If all is as you say it is she'd be wondering, like the rest of us, what the hell was going on. Are you absolutely sure you hadn't been drinking OP? From experience I know, sadly, that some people minimise their drinking. Is there a back story you're not telling us? There has to be something going on here.

BlueOverYellow · 31/03/2022 16:26

@innocentinallthis

I've already had the test, it's a battery operated reusable one so it's said 0 and he saw this.

Yes the water painting book was still on the table when he got home and he asked both children what the glass has been used for and was told by both it was water for the paint brush.

I don't think he's having an affair, he barely leaves the house if he can help it, apart from work which is fixed hours so no "overtime"
We go out as a family but he's very indoorsy these days.

I could not get past this.

To assume you'd been drinking, to essentially call you a liar, and grill children about the use of a glass as well ... unforgiveable under the circumstances here.

Headabovetheparakeet · 31/03/2022 17:25

@olive2621

It makes no sense that his mother said she wasn't taking sides. If all is as you say it is she'd be wondering, like the rest of us, what the hell was going on. Are you absolutely sure you hadn't been drinking OP? From experience I know, sadly, that some people minimise their drinking. Is there a back story you're not telling us? There has to be something going on here.
I think this kind of 'no smoke without fire' line of thinking is exactly what the Op's DH is hoping for.

Why would she bother to post here if she had been drinking?

SpringsSprung · 31/03/2022 22:41

@NeverDropYourMooncup

My ex used the fact that I didn't drink as 'proof' I was an alcoholic because I was apparently so addicted that I was scared to ever drink again when 'normal middleclass families have 3-4 glasses of wine every night with their meal'.

I'd rather use the calories on chips, to be honest.

In the inevitable custody case a short time later when he took DD and disappeared, he tried to demand I submitted to drug tests on my hair and purely coincidentally started to shave his head. And on one occasion, I'm sure he gained entry to my house whilst I was out (I changed the locks) as I could smell spliff - something else I don't do. Chances are he did that to take a photo to send to social services. Because he also made a report to them - and the rspca - so that I'd apparently go to prison or at least be prosecuted and have the cat taken away from me so I'd be alone and humiliated. His words were 'I am going to destroy you'.

(Yes, of course there was another woman involved. Who was then on the receiving end of exactly the same treatment when he decided it was time to get rid and try to keep their house for himself a few years later).

I think you need to speak to Women's Aid.

Wow. How was his 'photographic evidence' received by Social services & the RSPCA? How did the custody court case go?
Daffodilz · 31/03/2022 23:11

Op he's after sole custody and is gaslighting you.

You ring his Mother and say thank you but no. You also ring and see a solicitor ASAP.

Your blood and your hair cam show your consumption as can your liver.

I'd personally take dd and start divorce proceedings.

Daffodilz · 31/03/2022 23:21

Admin and op I'm extremely worried about your safety and your children's.

A coffee and an apology are classic gaslighting techniques. "He's sorry. He won't do it again...he loves me".

Every week 2 women die at the hands of a husband/bf.

His behaviour is a huge red flag.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/03/2022 23:34

Two RSPCA inspectors came round and spent about half an hour drinking tea, eating biscuits, playing with the furry wee shites and talking about wildlife.

They apologised for calling, but they'd been given such a terrible report they had to act upon it - they'd expected something like one of those TV cleaning crew programmes with 30 dead animals under the sofa, three inch thick layers of shit embedded in the carpet and emaciated animals shivering in cages. What they actually got was a little house with roses growing over the front door, that smelled of beeswax polish and eco washing powder (I'd just taken a washload out when they knocked) and had a couple of ever optimistic tabbies trying to lead them to the animal food cupboard before settling down to a good Da Bird game.

Social Services didn't do anything more than phone me (I asked if they'd spoken to the RSPCA yet; they'd been a lot quicker to act than SS were, maybe they did?) - and then he got bored and fucked off with his next victim when he was told to attend a separated parenting course if he wanted the case to continue.

Bogeyes · 31/03/2022 23:51

He has a big problem and it is not you. He is basically calling you a liar. That is unforgivable. It is mental abuse. Is he a bully? I think so....deal breaker for me!

CandyLeBonBon · 01/04/2022 00:29

I think this is the most bizarre thread I've read all day!

Totalwasteofpaper · 01/04/2022 02:56

@hybridoaties

Are you sure he doesn't have plans to leave you and is wanting custody so has created this situation to have his mother back him up as a witness? Ring your mother In law and tell her you will be having the children tomorrow and explain what has happened and ask her to make sure all is well with her son! This is seriously abusive!
This was my first thought too
Shakirawannabe · 01/04/2022 04:58

Keep a journal on his behaviour. Write down everything. Dates times etc this may be your saving grace if he's doing this for custody that you don't know about

elephantpyjamas · 04/04/2022 10:51

How are things going, OP?