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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accused of drinking by dh and him sending dc to his mums for safety

351 replies

innocentinallthis · 30/03/2022 18:44

I'm a SAHM and my dh has just got home.
My 3 year old has a book which you use water on a paintbrush and it changes colour to make a picture.
I got a glass out of the cupboard for water for her to dip the paintbrush in, I wanted a small glass so grabbed a square Jack Daniels one that looked sturdy.
Dh came home saw the Jack Daniels glass now empty on the side and came to the conclusion I'd been drinking while looking after the children (I rarely ever drink anyway) and he's taken the children into the lounge insisting I sleep off imaginary drink and called his mother to look after the children while he's at work tomorrow as I've been so irresponsible.
He has looked through the bins for an empty bottle and we are now in different rooms as he won't speak to me until I tell him where the non existent empty bottle is as we don't have alcohol in the house as neither of us drink it.
Just how do you respond? Other than the truth which falls on deaf ears.
He's in such a bad mood mumbling about how unbelievable I am.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 30/03/2022 22:54

@ididntevennotice

I would be more concerned that you gave a 3 year old a glass. Don't you have plastic cups or tubs to dip paintbrushes in?
I work in a school and in the nursery (for 3 year olds) they insist on glass for drinking and proper plates, not plastic. If we had an inspection and plastic was found we'd be pulled up on it. So no I'd not be concerned about that. How ridiculous. OP, so what if you even had had a drink. On Monday I saw some gin on offer and picked it up as not had any in ages. Yesterday was a lovely evening so I poured one while cooking tea. I actually didn't enjoy it much so didn't finish but had a glass of wine with my meal. I'm a single parent in sole charge. Your husband's reaction was ridiculous even if you had had a drink. He saw you and you were clearly ok. Lots to unravel here but huge alarm bells.
adriftabroad · 30/03/2022 22:54

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

I think think the OP seems calm because she’s a boiling frog. This behaviour has been escalating to the point where she sees this current situation as ‘slightly odd’ instead of extremely concerning as she should be.

If he had done this exact same thing 3 years ago she would have tore out of there but it’s been building up for a long time so she doesn’t see it clearly anymore.

Yes, my H did this to me. It is clever as if you deny you are an alcoholic there is a symptom of alcolholism right there. He's telling others you are.

Definitely trying to set you up.
The thread is not odd. JackieWeaver has it. 100%.

LargeProsecco · 30/03/2022 22:59

I think you need to start protecting yourself here, OP. This is awful behaviour on his part & he's clearly manipulating, gaslighting & discrediting you, getting his mum onside etc. It's unfortunately a common strategy with abusers.

I don't think there is any coming back from this.

Spacecadetagain · 30/03/2022 23:01

OP- Your H is having a mental health episode or planning to leave you This is not rational behaviour ! I suspect the latter so id be getting your ducks in a row
My ex h was having an affair from the time I was eight months pregnant , when dd was a few weeks old , sleep deprived and with no help from Xh as he was conveniently always at work .. my two older dcs (19 and 16 at the time ) were having a blazing row about something and id had enough .. grabbed the younger dcs and baby dd and decided to go out for a walk - Xh phoned home about something and my teen dd sheepishly told him what had happened.. next thing I knew I had a “safeguarding” call from the police ! X h had called them and told them id “stormed out” with the kids and that I was suffering from depression and he was concerned we were going to come to harm , it turned out when the affair was revealed he’d been telling OW and his work colleagues that I was a “nut job” with a violent temper and that he’d lived a life of misery - This coming from a man who just before I left him, physically assaulted me ….. please be careful OP

ididntevennotice · 30/03/2022 23:02

@liveforsummer

I was being sarcastic Hmm

uncomfortablydumb53 · 30/03/2022 23:11

My first thought was he's covering up his own behaviour but if he's normally rational and decent, his withdrawn state could be depression with Paranoia
Whatever the reason, confide in your family and friends

overnightangel · 31/03/2022 00:34

@comfortablyfrumpy

My golly how weird, he is rather losing the plot or he is up to something Be very very wary.

Has he done something which could lead to him being accused of being an unfit parent? Sounds extreme but I am struggling to think of a rational explanation. I wonder if he is trying to throw the first punch, so to speak.

My first thought too
RockinHorseShit · 31/03/2022 01:37

Are you sure he doesn't have plans to leave you and is wanting custody so has created this situation to have his mother back him up as a witness? Ring your mother In law and tell her you will be having the children tomorrow and explain what has happened and ask her to make sure all is well with her son! This is seriously abusive!

This was my thoughts too, this is so bonkers that he has to have a motive & I'm sad to say this is the obvious one. He sounds to me to be setting you up for a fall. Take care

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 31/03/2022 07:03

Why on earth do you have a battery operable reusable alcohol tester at home if none has a drinking issue?!!

ApolloandDaphne · 31/03/2022 07:05

@OnceuponaRainbow18

Why on earth do you have a battery operable reusable alcohol tester at home if none has a drinking issue?!!
She doesn't. Her DP had one in their caravan for taking abroad where it is required.
OnceuponaRainbow18 · 31/03/2022 07:05

@ApolloandDaphne

Ah oops sorry!

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 07:10

You need to have a serious conversation this morning.

I don't know why you went to your DM's instead of collecting your children if you had no idea of his intentions tbh.

fedup078 · 31/03/2022 07:15

@Wombat98
Yes I have this glass too
Came as a set one Xmas i think
I find it the perfect size for dissolving my vitamin c tablets in and I also like drinking milk from it

@innocentinallthis I'm not really sure what to make of it all. As someone who admittedly turned a blind eye to genuine behaviour like that for years
My advice is buy a breathalyser
I got one for £40 from Halfords when my ex really was sneaking drink at all times of the day
Then you can disprove any future allegations. Obviously don't tell anyone you've got it.

fedup078 · 31/03/2022 07:19

@innocentinallthis sorry I see you've already got a breathalyser
Neither of his parents were alcoholics growing up and it's triggered him?
I also have experience of this too unfortunately

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 31/03/2022 07:23

Cool story

liveforsummer · 31/03/2022 07:32

[quote ididntevennotice]@liveforsummer

I was being sarcastic Hmm[/quote]
Well then I've changed my opinion on your comment from being stupid to being wholly inappropriate. This isn't a light hearted thread for joking around Hmm

ididntevennotice · 31/03/2022 09:00

Well then I've changed my opinion on your comment from being stupid to being wholly inappropriate. This isn't a light hearted thread for joking around

Your opinion of my comment is not important to me but thanks for letting me know.

jo55ie · 31/03/2022 09:15

This sounds weird OP, why didn't he just come and give you a kiss, he'd be able to smell if you'd been drinking. Definitely some kind of issues going on here. I always used heavy based glass for painting as it doesn't topple over unlike plastic cups.
Hope you get to the bottom of it

blackheartsgirl · 31/03/2022 09:28

I’ve also got that jack daniels glass. It’s a nice sturdy glass, the dds pinch it for soft drinks because they like it.

What an overreaction! Definitely sounds like he’s unwell, controlling or up to something!

HELLITHURT · 31/03/2022 09:30

@ididntevennotice

Well then I've changed my opinion on your comment from being stupid to being wholly inappropriate. This isn't a light hearted thread for joking around

Your opinion of my comment is not important to me but thanks for letting me know.

I agree inappropriate comment, but some people are just tone deaf.
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 31/03/2022 09:33

He'd not be happy here, my 11 year old loves the jack Daniels glass so it's out all the time

Somethings going on here for such a ridiculous reaction

ididntevennotice · 31/03/2022 09:35

I agree inappropriate comment, but some people are just tone deaf.

There is a lot of deafness on this thread but it's not coming from me.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 31/03/2022 10:08

You need to document this to protect yourself. Send an accounting of his behaviour to him in and email and ask him to please get help as he appears to have had some sort of mental health issue.

Also contact his doctor to say you are worried about him as he’s making ridiculous accusations and you’re not sure if it could be a health problem manifesting.

Protect yourself and get a paper trail going.

dollydimple123 · 31/03/2022 10:31

The more I think of this thread the more worried I am about you OP I really feel like he's setting you up for a fall! Also by involving his mother he has a witness. I'd be starting to get my ducks in a row and be wise with how much you tell him anymore he may use it against you.

Other than that I can only think he's having mental health issues.

LazyJayne · 31/03/2022 11:15

OP mate, send a link to this thread to:

[email protected]

Get it on the record. You don’t have to ask them to do anything. Anything else he does, get it over to them. You’ll have an audit trail and get professional advice at the same time.