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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accused of drinking by dh and him sending dc to his mums for safety

351 replies

innocentinallthis · 30/03/2022 18:44

I'm a SAHM and my dh has just got home.
My 3 year old has a book which you use water on a paintbrush and it changes colour to make a picture.
I got a glass out of the cupboard for water for her to dip the paintbrush in, I wanted a small glass so grabbed a square Jack Daniels one that looked sturdy.
Dh came home saw the Jack Daniels glass now empty on the side and came to the conclusion I'd been drinking while looking after the children (I rarely ever drink anyway) and he's taken the children into the lounge insisting I sleep off imaginary drink and called his mother to look after the children while he's at work tomorrow as I've been so irresponsible.
He has looked through the bins for an empty bottle and we are now in different rooms as he won't speak to me until I tell him where the non existent empty bottle is as we don't have alcohol in the house as neither of us drink it.
Just how do you respond? Other than the truth which falls on deaf ears.
He's in such a bad mood mumbling about how unbelievable I am.

OP posts:
OverByYer · 30/03/2022 21:37

@pictish

Yeah…bit worrying that you felt you had to prove your innocence with a breathalyser rather than simply tell him where to go. You’ve just danced to his tune by validating him. I’d have told him to fuck off and leave me alone. He could phone his mum if he likes, the arsehole.
This
Original poster
innocentinallthis · 30/03/2022 21:38

I've already had the test, it's a battery operated reusable one so it's said 0 and he saw this.

Yes the water painting book was still on the table when he got home and he asked both children what the glass has been used for and was told by both it was water for the paint brush.

I don't think he's having an affair, he barely leaves the house if he can help it, apart from work which is fixed hours so no "overtime"
We go out as a family but he's very indoorsy these days.

OP posts:
marqueses · 30/03/2022 21:38

Has he had some kind of mental health episode, it's insane to think that a particular glass can only contain alcohol. Can he explain the rationale for that?

Mummytobe93 · 30/03/2022 21:40

He’s either extremely manipulative and calculated or mentally ill.

Either way, it’s not a normal reaction or family dynamics on both sides! Very bizarre

Nancydrawn · 30/03/2022 21:40

This is really weird, really controlling behaviour far outside the norm.

Why in the world wouldn't he take you at your word?

Why would he leap to this conclusion? You can drink water out of a teacup; you can drink milk from a coffee mug; you can drink juice in a wine glass. It is so bizarre to assume that Shape of Glass has anything to do with what's inside.

I find this really unsettling.

Hawkins001 · 30/03/2022 21:40

@innocentinallthis

For the record there's never been any issues related to drink in the past within either of our families so it's completely out of nowhere.
Leave the sausage to it, and if necessary recommend cctv in the main living areas,
LndnGrl · 30/03/2022 21:41

I'd gave taken those children to my mums with me and stayed there.

If he kicked off and tried to not let the children go I'd call the police, get breathalysed and get it all on record.

He is not right.

Cbes · 30/03/2022 21:41

I definitely think you need to get some of the facts in text and/or photo evidence in case there is something building up here.

And I never say this, but if I were you I’d be taking the kids to my mums for a while (and never speaking to my mother in law again).

AryaStarkWolf · 30/03/2022 21:42

@innocentinallthis

I've already had the test, it's a battery operated reusable one so it's said 0 and he saw this.

Yes the water painting book was still on the table when he got home and he asked both children what the glass has been used for and was told by both it was water for the paint brush.

I don't think he's having an affair, he barely leaves the house if he can help it, apart from work which is fixed hours so no "overtime"
We go out as a family but he's very indoorsy these days.

And did your children hear him accusing you? That's disgraceful
comfortablyfrumpy · 30/03/2022 21:43

My golly how weird, he is rather losing the plot or he is up to something Be very very wary.

Has he done something which could lead to him being accused of being an unfit parent? Sounds extreme but I am struggling to think of a rational explanation. I wonder if he is trying to throw the first punch, so to speak.

YukoandHiro · 30/03/2022 21:43

Absolutely agree with speaking to everyone in the family including MIL. Tell them what happened, tell them you're worried about him because he's acting phenomenally out of character. Say you'll take your children to your own parents or somewhere else for their safety while the family supports your DH.
This sounds like some mad attention deflection because he's cheating or planning to leave. He wants to make you look like the bad party when clearly you've done nothing

wordler · 30/03/2022 21:43

Even if you had had a glass of something during the day on your own while looking after your kids that wouldn't mean you were drunk or incapable of looking after your children.

It wouldn't be particularly healthy behaviour - day drinking while doing childcare but it's weird he got from one empty glass to you being incapacitated - while you were clearly standing in front of him not incapacitated.

A tumbler glass as well could be used for anything - water, juice etc. mixing a salad dressing etc.

An empty wine glass would be odd because you'd probably not use that for non-wine drinks or for a toddler's painting water.

But even if you'd - completely out of character - had a glass of wine with your tuna sandwich for lunch that wouldn't mean you were drunk or incapable of looking after your kids.

He's either having a mental breakdown, is trying to set you up for something, or is hiding his own drinking problem and was shocked you'd used his 'special glass'

SarahBellam · 30/03/2022 21:43

I’d be sending a text message to him saying you’re really worried about his behaviour. You obviously weren’t drinking - he knows that - and given you rarely drink and never to excess it seems like an extreme overreaction. Say it might be worth him getting getting checked out by the GP to ensure he isn’t suffering from anxiety or having irrational thoughts. “Would you like me to make an appointment for you?” Throw it right back at him and put it in writing.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 30/03/2022 21:44

Id be willing to be a lot that it’s a form of manipulation.

I’d be insisting he look at his behaviour and why he is suddenly having such paranoid type thoughts and he should see a doctor.

If he won’t I’d pointing out if there is a repeat incident he will need to seek medical advice or it’s game over.

MissMaple82 · 30/03/2022 21:45

He sounds like the type of controlling dick I'd want to leave.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 30/03/2022 21:45

Play him at his own game basically.

Rinatinabina · 30/03/2022 21:46

Either this is mental health or its abusive. Either way I’d take the kids away for a few nights.

Riseholme · 30/03/2022 21:48

Gosh.
I decorate cakes and actually use shot glasses to mix food gel colours with vodka (the vodka evaporates so the colour isn’t too wet) so thank goodness my dh trusts me!

I think your dh has huge issues with trust and/or control.
Whatever, he’s an idiot.

livinthedream1995 · 30/03/2022 21:49

Even if you HAD had a drink, like a single drink, presuming this didn’t all kick off at 10am it’s hardly the end of the world?! I don’t understand why his automatic assumption is “omg there’s a JD glass, must of drunk a whole bottle”. This is also working under the assumption you’ve not got an alcohol issue, which you’ve said you don’t. What bizarre behaviour.

wordler · 30/03/2022 21:49

Also - I know you said you didn't want to tell your Mum but I'm assuming as you borrowed the breathalyzer from her that you did.

Please do tell her everything and make sure she's aware of everything going on. If it happens again, call them right away and get them to come round immediately and be a witness to his behaviour.

RagzRebooted · 30/03/2022 21:49

My DH had some very odd suspicions of me, also our neighbours and various other people. He seemed fairly normal otherwise, but then he had a mental breakdown.

You say your DH has been withdrawn recently. Maybe he is unwell?

Hankunamatata · 30/03/2022 21:52

Sounds like he is having some form of mental health episode

Thighdentitycrisis · 30/03/2022 21:54

He’s mental

Nothappyatwork · 30/03/2022 21:55

@innocentinallthis

I've already had the test, it's a battery operated reusable one so it's said 0 and he saw this.

Yes the water painting book was still on the table when he got home and he asked both children what the glass has been used for and was told by both it was water for the paint brush.

I don't think he's having an affair, he barely leaves the house if he can help it, apart from work which is fixed hours so no "overtime"
We go out as a family but he's very indoorsy these days.

He shouldn’t be interviewing the children to ascertain mummy‘s guilt or innocence what sort of message does that send something is up here, you need to get to the bottom of it.
Japanesejazz · 30/03/2022 21:56

You need to leave ASAP
His behaviour is absolutely terrifying
Maybe he’s having some kind of breakdown but you and your children need to be somewhere safe before this escalates further