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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Accused of drinking by dh and him sending dc to his mums for safety

351 replies

innocentinallthis · 30/03/2022 18:44

I'm a SAHM and my dh has just got home.
My 3 year old has a book which you use water on a paintbrush and it changes colour to make a picture.
I got a glass out of the cupboard for water for her to dip the paintbrush in, I wanted a small glass so grabbed a square Jack Daniels one that looked sturdy.
Dh came home saw the Jack Daniels glass now empty on the side and came to the conclusion I'd been drinking while looking after the children (I rarely ever drink anyway) and he's taken the children into the lounge insisting I sleep off imaginary drink and called his mother to look after the children while he's at work tomorrow as I've been so irresponsible.
He has looked through the bins for an empty bottle and we are now in different rooms as he won't speak to me until I tell him where the non existent empty bottle is as we don't have alcohol in the house as neither of us drink it.
Just how do you respond? Other than the truth which falls on deaf ears.
He's in such a bad mood mumbling about how unbelievable I am.

OP posts:
Alicenwonderland · 30/03/2022 21:59

If this is out of character and there have been no other incidents of controlling behaviour I'd definitely be thinking he was mentally unwell. I'd ask him to book a GP appointment. If it's abusive definitely write the whole incident in a diary. I found out after I split from my abusive ex that he'd spent our entire 8 year relationship making out I was crazy to his family. He's still trying it on now through child custody court. The latest is I have borderline personality disorder and autism. I don't.

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/03/2022 21:59

Does he have previous history of trying to mess with your head? It would raise red flags with me that at the very first opportunity he starts to assert that he needs to protect his children from you.

He's either having a mental health issue, or he's developing into a cunt and you need to keep an eye on his behaviour towards you.

lborgia · 30/03/2022 22:00

Yeah, if he's never been an "indoorsy" sort of person, now is, and walks in after a day at work and starts on you like this, I'd be wondering about his health.

Having said that, I'm also wondering about the mind of a mother who so under reacts.

Would you say that since you've known him, you've learnt to minimise his behaviour, and worry about your own? Or have you always thought that someone else's bad behaviour will make you look bad?

Tomlettegregg · 30/03/2022 22:01

I would genuinely leave someone for this and I'm not a LTB poster usually.

danny735 · 30/03/2022 22:04

Does any member of his family (parents, grandparents, extended family) have an alcohol issue that would make him hypersensitive?

That's honestly the only explanation I can think of for his over reaction.

Tell your parents exactly what happened, just in case there is a more sinister reason for this.

Amybelle88 · 30/03/2022 22:04

Evil thinkers, evil doers.

Run for the fucking hills and take your kids, too.

Tell someone about this - your mum possibly - not someone related to him. Something tells me you'll need to document all of this - start keeping a diary.

What a controlling freak he is.

oldcatlady22 · 30/03/2022 22:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

ididntevennotice · 30/03/2022 22:07

I would be more concerned that you gave a 3 year old a glass. Don't you have plastic cups or tubs to dip paintbrushes in?

Annoy · 30/03/2022 22:08

… therefore life will resume as if nothing happened.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/03/2022 22:08

This is such a weird thread. He honestly sounds like he’s having some kind of mental breakdown? There is no logic here at all.

Annoy · 30/03/2022 22:08

@ididntevennotice

I would be more concerned that you gave a 3 year old a glass. Don't you have plastic cups or tubs to dip paintbrushes in?
🙄
ididntevennotice · 30/03/2022 22:10

@Annoy

??

MakingMemoriesIsShite · 30/03/2022 22:13

I can't work out if it's odder that the husband behaves like this, or that the OP isn't completely poleaxed by it.

I have never said LTB, but I am certainly thinking I'd be taking the children to my mum's and staying there for a while in this situation. There is no way I would let him anywhere near them unsupervised, as he is either mentally ill or very, very unpleasant.

QueenofDestruction · 30/03/2022 22:14

I would ring 111 re concern about oh mental health and if its deteriorates what you can do re your safety, the police also have a line where you can log concerns. This will create an evidentiary paper trail for you in case he is plotting.

Annoy · 30/03/2022 22:16

[quote ididntevennotice]@Annoy

??[/quote]
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a 3yr old using a glass undersupervision.

ididntevennotice · 30/03/2022 22:19

@Annoy

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a 3yr old using a glass undersupervision.

Ah. I see.

TokyoSushi · 30/03/2022 22:26
Confused
JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 30/03/2022 22:27

I think think the OP seems calm because she’s a boiling frog. This behaviour has been escalating to the point where she sees this current situation as ‘slightly odd’ instead of extremely concerning as she should be.

If he had done this exact same thing 3 years ago she would have tore out of there but it’s been building up for a long time so she doesn’t see it clearly anymore.

Fraaahnces · 30/03/2022 22:35

He is an absolute dick. He should be sleeping on the couch for months because of this.

HELLITHURT · 30/03/2022 22:36

@ididntevennotice

I would be more concerned that you gave a 3 year old a glass. Don't you have plastic cups or tubs to dip paintbrushes in?
You're mad!

Almost as mad as the OPs DH, if that's all you take from this!

Go helicopter parent your DCs and stop being so sanctimonious and ridiculous!

OP, honestly I think you need to be very concerned about this behaviour. You've done right being "seen". Be very careful what discussions follow.

HELLITHURT · 30/03/2022 22:37

[quote ididntevennotice]@Annoy

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a 3yr old using a glass undersupervision.

Ah. I see. [/quote]
Ah do you?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/03/2022 22:41

My ex used the fact that I didn't drink as 'proof' I was an alcoholic because I was apparently so addicted that I was scared to ever drink again when 'normal middleclass families have 3-4 glasses of wine every night with their meal'.

I'd rather use the calories on chips, to be honest.

In the inevitable custody case a short time later when he took DD and disappeared, he tried to demand I submitted to drug tests on my hair and purely coincidentally started to shave his head. And on one occasion, I'm sure he gained entry to my house whilst I was out (I changed the locks) as I could smell spliff - something else I don't do. Chances are he did that to take a photo to send to social services. Because he also made a report to them - and the rspca - so that I'd apparently go to prison or at least be prosecuted and have the cat taken away from me so I'd be alone and humiliated. His words were 'I am going to destroy you'.

(Yes, of course there was another woman involved. Who was then on the receiving end of exactly the same treatment when he decided it was time to get rid and try to keep their house for himself a few years later).

I think you need to speak to Women's Aid.

Aspiringmatriarch · 30/03/2022 22:44

If he genuinely thought you were drunk in charge of your child a couple of hours ago then he wouldn't be expecting the breathalyser not to show anything. He's gaslighting you by suggesting it would have left your system in that time frame and therefore he's still 'suspicious' of you - he knew it would be zero because he knows you weren't drinking.

You need to give the police a call and dicuss this with someone. They have training on controlling behaviour and abuse and will be able to advise you. You have to protect yourself because what he's doing could have serious consequences in the future if it's part of a strategy to discredit you. Don't leave yourself vulnerable to that, at least speak to someone so you have a record of this incident. It's seriously concerning.

ididntevennotice · 30/03/2022 22:45

@HELLITHURT

I was being sarcastic about the thread as it happens, but crack on...

HELLITHURT · 30/03/2022 22:49

[quote ididntevennotice]@HELLITHURT

I was being sarcastic about the thread as it happens, but crack on...[/quote]
Oh yeah right!