Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think OH needs to come back now?

167 replies

neverendingwashing · 30/03/2022 18:23

Had an awful argument yesterday and he went and stayed with his brother I'm 39 weeks pregnant I did tell him to get out but I couldn't cope with the arguing and I was getting stressed. He came back this morning and took the kids to school and picked them up and dropped them back of earlier. He's gone straight back to his brothers again I'm actually starting to think he's enjoying it.

I'm not very well (preclampsia) and I'm just struggling to get around to be honest. I thought he would have came back home today but no he's staying with his brother again.

Please tell me if I am being unreasonable? I know it was a terrible argument but I am kind of relying on him at the moment for help.

OP posts:
cansu · 30/03/2022 20:05

He is happy to be doing even less than he was. Sounds like an arse. Can you send the kids round for him to look after. That should change his mind.

Xpologog · 30/03/2022 20:06

Do you have mum/sis/bf who can come and stay? Pre-eclampsia is serious, you really shouldn’t be alone.
I too wouldn’t grovel to him to come back but please look after your health and get someone to stay with you.

KELLOGSspeck · 30/03/2022 20:08

We don't know what went on during the argument. But your DH has been back to pick the kids up so there's some posters on here giving OP unfair advise.

You said yourself it was a terrible argument and it must of been to throw him out.... maybe you both need space to calm down.

Can you call your mum or a friend for help?

WonderfulYou · 30/03/2022 20:09

how about he supports his wife a a difficult time despite every thing?

Because she said she was too stressed which is why she kicked him out.

If she was on here saying I’ve asked him to leave as the stress is making me ill but he’s refusing to leave - everyone would think he’s the lowest of the low and probably even suggesting police.

She’s asked him to leave - which he’s doing.
He’s taking care of the kids.
If she has decided she’s struggling and wants him to move back in then she needs to communicate that with him.

maddening · 30/03/2022 20:10

I would not grovel, but would tell him he either comes back and pulls his socks up now or not at all and get help from family for now till you are settled with the new baby.

NerrSnerr · 30/03/2022 20:10

I think you need to call him now and tell him that regardless of the argument he needs to be home to take care of the children and look after them. If he says no then you'll know where you stand and you can plan alternative childcare as you'll need it.

Worry about the state of your marriage once the baby is here and things are calmer.

WonderingWanda · 30/03/2022 20:11

I can see where you are coming from. You were arguing about his lack of support and then in frustration you told him to go, I suspect hoping it would spur him in to some reflective action but it's done the opposite. I understand why you don't want to have to ask him to come back but you are in need of support right now so I think you either need to find someone else (friends or family) to come and support you or, for now put your anger to one side and let him know you need him to come back for support right now. You can tell him that there are still issues you need to address but now isn't the right time for it. Do you think he could come back and help then?

VampireMoney · 30/03/2022 20:11

@WonderfulYou

how about he supports his wife a a difficult time despite every thing?

Because she said she was too stressed which is why she kicked him out.

If she was on here saying I’ve asked him to leave as the stress is making me ill but he’s refusing to leave - everyone would think he’s the lowest of the low and probably even suggesting police.

She’s asked him to leave - which he’s doing.
He’s taking care of the kids.
If she has decided she’s struggling and wants him to move back in then she needs to communicate that with him.

100% this.
Blossomtoes · 30/03/2022 20:13

@Herewegoagain84

On a different note, why aren’t you in hospital? Having had severe preeclampsia twice, they hospitalise straight away and would usually have you delivered if you’ve already made it to 39 weeks. Preeclampsia is no joke.
I was in hospital on bed rest for six weeks with it.
Underfrighter · 30/03/2022 20:20

I'd tell him it's his turn now and go and stay somewhere and try and relax for a few days

Tilltheend99 · 30/03/2022 20:22

Can you drop the kids at his brothers? He’ll soon be back if he realises he can’t escape all responsibilities.

RantyAunty · 30/03/2022 20:24

@Faevern

FFS why do some women feel the need to kick another woman when she’s 39 weeks pregnant. Like there’s not enough against us at that time.
Wether they're all women or not is questionable.
HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 30/03/2022 20:26

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

39 weeks pregnant with complications and he's left you to deal with the kids. What an absolute diamond. Even if the arguement was your fault it still makes him a twat
This!
WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 30/03/2022 20:26

Is he stubborn enough that he’d risk missing the birth?

He knows deep down it’s not over. He’s just angry and stubborn and probably enjoying his little holiday. I’d leave him to stew and see if someone else can help you in the meantime.

MarvelMrs · 30/03/2022 20:27

Sounds like it is a jolly little break from his responsibilities. Have you thought of sending the kids with him to his brothers? Seriously. He might rethink then.

Papayamya · 30/03/2022 20:36

@neverendingwashing

I don't really want to go back to him grovelling for him to come back, he should want to come back and help.
But he's respecting your wish to stay away, sounds like he can't win- either you'll say he isn't giving you the space you said you wanted, or he's not supporting you Confused. Communication is probably key here, phone him and say you stand by what you said re him not pulling his weight but you need him home
oakleaffy · 30/03/2022 20:42

Doesn’t sound like a very good dynamic -
Arguments need sorting , shouting “ Get out” does give the other person an “ Excuse “ not to come back.

Children and pregnancy do seem to put pressure on any relationship, as it fundamentally changes things from “ Fun” to routine and responsibilities-
And some people, male and female find this hard to cope with.

Communication is the key.
Hope you can both work it out for sake of kids and yourselves.

Faevern · 30/03/2022 20:43

He’s not respecting OP at all and he isn’t looking after the DC’s he’s done the school run. He should respect that she is about to give birth to his child and check if she needs anything.

VampireMoney · 30/03/2022 20:45

OP do you have anyone you can rely on/anyone else to help with the DC in case he decides not to come back? Just thinking it might be a good idea to have a contingency plan to cover all bases.

soootiredddd · 30/03/2022 20:49

Send a text
“Hi DH thank you for leaving yesterday when I asked you to. However I have spoken to the midwife who says that because of preeclampsia I should not be alone and I need to be resting. You need to come back now and look after the older kids. We can discuss the issues from the argument when we have both calmed down. But I am 39 weeks pregnant and unwell so you need to step up now. Thanks”

CrowUpNorth · 30/03/2022 20:49

He's unreasonable for not asking what he needs to do with kids or support your pregnancy. He's not unreasonable for not coming back, particularly if you haven't asked him to. You might need to ask (not beg) for him to move back to provide support, even if its just for the sake of your DCs and a safe delivery for you and baby. If someone kicked me out I wouldn't presume to be hassling them to let me come back.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 30/03/2022 20:51

Betting he tells you he needed a break and you will be getting one when you are in having the baby!!

EnjoyingTheSilence · 30/03/2022 20:52

So you’ve had an argument about him. It pulling his weight and his solution is disappear and do even less. What a catch!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/03/2022 20:52

@Momicrone

Hankunamatata, how about he supports his wife a a difficult time despite every thing?
This. Absolutely this. OP if you have any family/friends who can help you, you need to call them and get them on board now.
cavalatete · 30/03/2022 20:53

It's funny that men joke about women being "emotional" and "it's the pregnancy hormones" - and some women do - yet on this occasion he's taking his 39-week pregnant sick wife at her literal word to..make her suffer.

I'd find this very hard to get over.

You need someone who cares about you and who is willing to put you first to help out right now. I'd be very very tempted too to tell him that it won't be him accompanying you to the hospital when you're in labour if he doesn't show he's actually committed to the relationship at this important time.

You can't have someone in there who is content for you to suffer, when already unwell and uncomfortable, while you're suffering in labour. He's supposed to be the one to advocate for you when you can't!! You need another plan on standby. Is there anybody who can step up and be helpful right now - and potentially during labour too?

(I'm not suggesting he doesn't see the baby btw, I'm saying that labour is about supporting the labouring mother, and he's clearly not interested in supporting you, or even looking out for your best interests when you're ill!)

Swipe left for the next trending thread