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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable here?

230 replies

Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 17:53

My DD just told me her best friends are having a birthday party this Friday. They literally live next door to her dad's. I had already arranged to be at a dinner party, I rarely go out, and really need to make local friends. To collect her (and back) is a 1hr trip. DH could get her, but we have a 2yo that he'd have to take with him (plus maybe his DD 9). I've told my DD she can stay till 6 (unless her dad can help). But she's not happy with that. Or we disturb the 2yo (which could be OK, but again it's a bit of a mega silly driving around because DH has to collect his DC from across the road from where he would need to collect my DD literally 2hrs after he's been there...) And I do need him to come and get the 2yo because otherwise I can't go out for the evening.

OP posts:
zingally · 31/03/2022 11:13

You do know that, as her parent, you don't have to bend to every command of hers, right?

Just tell her, "sorry, I can't get you there. Another time maybe."

I couldn't see how old she was, but I'm guessing it's the younger end of primary. In which case parties are ten a penny at that age. There will be others. Plus this "last minute" party sounds a bit of a non-event. If it was an actual birthday party, you'd have had an invitation weeks ago. This just sounds like a glorified "wanna come round mine for tea?" play date than a party. And how is she managing to be best friends with a child who lives an hour away?

Not having a go, but this seems very much like a "not this time little Amy" non-issue.

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 11:14

I've yet to see a simple solution, only one's with issues attached.

The DD goes back next door to her dads. She's 12. She'll be ok on her own for an hour.

The DH takes his kids out for dinner then picks up DD.

The OP asks the hosts DM for a sleepover or if DD can stay slightly later until OP can pick her up.

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 11:17

@aSofaNearYou I didn't mean the OP was owning being unreasonable, by the way. I meant she was owning her decision.

I think that got misconstrued.

HoppingPavlova · 31/03/2022 11:20

Can’t your DH take her and the 2yo. Go hang out at the closest McD’s for a few hours (2yo will be ever thankful), pick up DD and drive home. Yes, a bit of driving but no big deal.

aSofaNearYou · 31/03/2022 11:20

@girlmom21

I've yet to see a simple solution, only one's with issues attached.

The DD goes back next door to her dads. She's 12. She'll be ok on her own for an hour.

The DH takes his kids out for dinner then picks up DD.

The OP asks the hosts DM for a sleepover or if DD can stay slightly later until OP can pick her up.

I agree there are a couple of things here that could work, but still obvious issues attached.

She could stay at her dad's but that may not be something he allows

She could sleep over but they may so no to that.

And it sounds like taking the kids for dinner would be a logistical issue with the toddler, if she stayed for the entire thing.

AllOfUsAreDead · 31/03/2022 11:24

Between you and your husband, you get paid 100k? You are drastically over paid, several pages on with multiple suggestions, you still can't figure this out. Grin How do you cope with an actual problem?

Sally872 · 31/03/2022 11:25

Dad collects her, if not 6pm is best you can do. Don't feel bad about it, enjoy your dinner party.

Gonnagetgoing · 31/03/2022 11:29

@AllOfUsAreDead

Between you and your husband, you get paid 100k? You are drastically over paid, several pages on with multiple suggestions, you still can't figure this out. Grin How do you cope with an actual problem?
This!
Cocomarine · 31/03/2022 11:30

@zingally

You do know that, as her parent, you don't have to bend to every command of hers, right?

Just tell her, "sorry, I can't get you there. Another time maybe."

I couldn't see how old she was, but I'm guessing it's the younger end of primary. In which case parties are ten a penny at that age. There will be others. Plus this "last minute" party sounds a bit of a non-event. If it was an actual birthday party, you'd have had an invitation weeks ago. This just sounds like a glorified "wanna come round mine for tea?" play date than a party. And how is she managing to be best friends with a child who lives an hour away?

Not having a go, but this seems very much like a "not this time little Amy" non-issue.

She’s 12, so Y7 or Y8.

My experience at that age - I have a 14yo girl - is that parties weren’t that frequent, that many occasions had been missed in the last 2 years, that peer socials are life and that a best friend’s birthday is A Big Deal. And yes, often extra events added at short notice, as they reach an age where they come up with things themselves! I do not get invitations any more. If I know the parent well, I might get a laughing text saying, “I hear Amy has been invited to mine?”

I still agree with you that sometimes you have to say no… but to me this isn’t a ten a Penny birthday party for a little kid.

It’s not that the OP has said no - it’s that her reasons for doing so don’t stack up. Like not having a big enough car. Or the car is liable to need a jump start - yet that’s not stopping him collecting his own kids from the same street 🤷🏻‍♀️

Miraloma · 31/03/2022 11:35

Just leaving this here...

Who's being unreasonable here?
AllOfUsAreDead · 31/03/2022 11:36

@Miraloma

Just leaving this here...
😂 Brilliant
latetothefisting · 31/03/2022 11:37

When her dad is "potentially" busy what does that mean? If he's out all night then fair enough. If he's out in the evening when she's in the party anyway what's the problem? Ask if she can stay at the party friends house until her dad comes back, although tbh if she's 12 and her friends live next door I wouldn't have an issue with her leaving party at 9 and waiting in her dad's house for 2 hours, with people she knows literally meters away.

Just say if your dad can have you you can go, if not you can't as it's not fair to expect dh and younger kids to drive and hour there and back and then the same again shortly after. Can't believe people are telling you to cancel your plans! The fact you're divorced and it's your week is a red herring, parents who are together don't keep every day free on the off chance their offspring might need them! Parents are allowed to have lives themselves!

It's perfectly fine to say you will help her whenever you can but you won't drop everything you/do are doing to enable her. That's just part of family life. If she'd known about the party earlier you could have done something but as it's so last minute it's on her to sort something if she wants to go!

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 11:38

Every Friday they always meet after school (usually in either of the houses AFAIK) it works for everyone, but the point being that she has a fairly active social life. At its current state we don't stop the car (to avoid jumpstarting).

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 11:39

@Onlyrainbows

Every Friday they always meet after school (usually in either of the houses AFAIK) it works for everyone, but the point being that she has a fairly active social life. At its current state we don't stop the car (to avoid jumpstarting).
So what do you normally do on the Fridays you have her?

You say AFAIK but don't you have her every second Friday?

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 11:41

Oh in fact, you said you have her every Friday...

Cocomarine · 31/03/2022 11:41

So how come when I suggested the 16yo collect her and get a taxi with her / wait at her dad’s with her, you were a bit scathing of his mum:

“Tell that to their mum! She doesn't like it. She doesn't think their daughter is old enough, and the 16yo responsible enough. That's just completely out of my control.“

Yet when it’s suggested that he could look after your 2yo, you tell us he has frequent panic attacks?

So what is it? “Tell that to their mum!” or perfectly reasonable decision based on panic attacks?

The larger car that can’t possibly be used because it needs to be jump started twice a day… yet you are doing just that to it every day yourself. Why’s it OK for you to do that every day, yet on the one trip it’s use will inconvenience your husband, it’s not a good idea to take it?

Cocomarine · 31/03/2022 11:42

@Miraloma

Just leaving this here...
Oh @Miraloma you just won the internet for today! Crying here 😭
MichelleScarn · 31/03/2022 11:48

@Onlyrainbows

Every Friday they always meet after school (usually in either of the houses AFAIK) it works for everyone, but the point being that she has a fairly active social life. At its current state we don't stop the car (to avoid jumpstarting).
How will he manage to stop it to get his dc from their mums earlier? Is it like Knightrider that it'll sense when it's his dc in the car so works then?
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 11:50

@girlmom21

Oh in fact, you said you have her every Friday...
Yes I do! It usually isn't me who collects her, it's my husband, but by the time she tells me about it becomes part of the usual Friday convo.

My worry is that the car won't start once they stop over there and there won't be any way to start it (as the power bank would have already been used).

16yo he copes well with his sister (she does what she's told) but doesn't cope well with a crying 2yo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 11:51

He just doesn't stop the car, we never do when collecting/dropping off the kiddos

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 11:54

So why would he need to stop the car just this one time when he’s getting your DD?

How come if you have her every Friday you don’t know what she does?

This literally does not make sense (along with the fact that she has had to be sleeping elsewhere with boys that you haven’t answered either despite me asking)

AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 11:57

You said “ She'd had to sleep at one of the other friends' houses who I believe are boys.” Why has she already had to sleep at someone else’s house and you didn’t know if they were boys or not. Did your ex organise this?

So she has already had to sleep at another friend’s house and you only believe (you don’t actually know) if that friend is a boy.

How can you not know this?

MichelleScarn · 31/03/2022 11:59

@AchillesPoirot

So why would he need to stop the car just this one time when he’s getting your DD?

How come if you have her every Friday you don’t know what she does?

This literally does not make sense (along with the fact that she has had to be sleeping elsewhere with boys that you haven’t answered either despite me asking)

And how does it work with his kids but not yours?
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 12:04

@AchillesPoirot

So why would he need to stop the car just this one time when he’s getting your DD?

How come if you have her every Friday you don’t know what she does?

This literally does not make sense (along with the fact that she has had to be sleeping elsewhere with boys that you haven’t answered either despite me asking)

I've already answered the boys thing! Somebody suggested she'd stay with other attendees who are all boys.

He would need to stop the car, because they'd have to stop somewhere for food and for waiting around to then collect her.

I know she's having fun with her friends and she has a great time, we talk about her friends, but never really get into the details of which if the two houses all the fun happens.

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 12:06

You literally said

“She'd had to sleep at one of the other friends' houses who I believe are boys.”

That’s a direct quote. So - she had had to sleep at one of the other friends’ houses who I believe are boys.

It has already happened. (By the tense of the sentence I quoted directly)