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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who's being unreasonable here?

230 replies

Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 17:53

My DD just told me her best friends are having a birthday party this Friday. They literally live next door to her dad's. I had already arranged to be at a dinner party, I rarely go out, and really need to make local friends. To collect her (and back) is a 1hr trip. DH could get her, but we have a 2yo that he'd have to take with him (plus maybe his DD 9). I've told my DD she can stay till 6 (unless her dad can help). But she's not happy with that. Or we disturb the 2yo (which could be OK, but again it's a bit of a mega silly driving around because DH has to collect his DC from across the road from where he would need to collect my DD literally 2hrs after he's been there...) And I do need him to come and get the 2yo because otherwise I can't go out for the evening.

OP posts:

AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 10:35

What do you mean? What is wrong with the car?

TreatTrimTame · 31/03/2022 10:39

Could your DH not pick up his daughter and take her bowling with the baby or something for a few hours, in the area he picks her up in (which I understand is where the party is also). Cinema or dinner out. Then pick up his step DD

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 10:41

@AchillesPoirot

What do you mean? What is wrong with the car?

Nobody really knows... Most likely it's the alternator, as the battery (even from new) wouldn't keep its charge. We're on the second battery in not even two years of ownership, but God only knows why it's apparently very difficult to diagnose

OP posts:

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 10:43

@TreatTrimTame

Baby would be asleep by then. There's no bowling alleys, and I wouldn't take a 2yo to a cinema. There's a soft play that all other kids really hate. We live semi rurally so it's not like there's tons of options opened last 6pm

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 31/03/2022 10:44

My husband is a stepfather.
Would he be over the moon at an extra hour’s drive? No.
Would he do it, for a random play date? Well, if I really wanted him to - yes. But no, he wouldn’t want to.
Would he do it so she didn’t leave early from her best friend’s birthday party? In a heartbeat!

OP is coming across as somewhat scathing of the XW not thinking the 16yo is responsible - so I hope she wouldn’t then hypocritically say the 16yo isn’t responsible over the babysitting!

As I’ve said… it’s not that I think the OP is the worst parent in the world for not making this work. It’s that the “reasons” are a complete pile of shit!

I’m still trying to work out why the husband needs to take the non-starting 4 seater, and therefore can’t take all 4 children, instead of the family’s 5 seater.

Doubtless there’ll be some bullshit that OP needs the 5 seater for her own night out, because her vagina stops her operating the jump starter, and the £100K household income doesn’t stretch to a taxi for her.

There’s something off about all the - OP knows it, and that’s why she’s posted it.

I think the AIBU she’s scared to post as she doesn’t want to face the reality is, “AIBU to think my husband could be in any way flexible to help out my child?”

AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 10:46

@Cocomarine I agree

TreatTrimTame · 31/03/2022 10:46

Big bag of toys and snacks in the car, ipad to watch a movie on and have a drive in cinema night while they wait for DD. toddler can fall asleep in his car seat.

aSofaNearYou · 31/03/2022 10:47

@Cocomarine Well good for your husband, but I wouldn't and there are plenty of step parents that wouldn't without it being a "relationship issue".

And again, I don't think it would be hypocritical to say that a 16 year old that can watch a 9 year old wouldn't be so good with a toddler.

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 10:51

OP's just ignoring the sensible suggestions anyway and only answering about the car so I'm assuming the real issue is a dickhead husband.

AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 10:54

Honestly @girlmom21 I think the op is ignoring the elephant in the room because she’s not ready to process that yet.

It’s a shame. Because she’s frustrating posters here and there’s so much good advice she could be getting about the real issue. Instead of all this fluff.

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 10:56

@AchillesPoirot

Honestly *@girlmom21* I think the op is ignoring the elephant in the room because she’s not ready to process that yet.

It’s a shame. Because she’s frustrating posters here and there’s so much good advice she could be getting about the real issue. Instead of all this fluff.

You're probably right.

I'm just sad at the thought of the child missing out because of the choices of adults to be honest

AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 10:57

Yeah but at the same time sometimes kids can’t have everything.

Only the op knows if the real reason for this lies with her not very DH.

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 10:58

@AchillesPoirot

Yeah but at the same time sometimes kids can’t have everything.

Only the op knows if the real reason for this lies with her not very DH.

Oh yeah - I agree. I just mean if she's missing out because he's an arse. If there's a genuine reason she can't go it is what it is, but it'll be sad if she's missing out because he wants to prove a point or whatever.

Like you say, only OP knows that.

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 11:00

@Cocomarine

My husband is a stepfather. Would he be over the moon at an extra hour’s drive? No. Would he do it, for a random play date? Well, if I really wanted him to - yes. But no, he wouldn’t want to. Would he do it so she didn’t leave early from her best friend’s birthday party? In a heartbeat!

OP is coming across as somewhat scathing of the XW not thinking the 16yo is responsible - so I hope she wouldn’t then hypocritically say the 16yo isn’t responsible over the babysitting!

As I’ve said… it’s not that I think the OP is the worst parent in the world for not making this work. It’s that the “reasons” are a complete pile of shit!

I’m still trying to work out why the husband needs to take the non-starting 4 seater, and therefore can’t take all 4 children, instead of the family’s 5 seater.

There’s something off about all the - OP knows it, and that’s why she’s posted it.

I think the AIBU she’s scared to post as she doesn’t want to face the reality is, “AIBU to think my husband could be in any way flexible to help out my child?”

It's the seven seater that is the issue (not the 4 seater!) And no I don't think it's right to ask the 16yo who gets panic attacks for all sorts of reasons to give him the extra responsibility of the 2yo (I don't think it's fair on him).

I jumpstart the car every morning, so I don't understand why the sexist comment.

I don't think it's that my husband is inflexible, it's just that I don't think it's right for a kid to be taught that they can make a whole household move their day around for her to have the way she wants it, it's not great parenting IMO. It's unfortunate that I happened to be busy one Friday evening, when 99% of the time I'm just at home. I feel bad to have to tell her this (like I've already had) but that's ultimately how I feel.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 11:02

Fair enough. You're being unreasonable but you're owning it and that's that. Your daughter comes home when she's told.

AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 11:03

Which car isn’t working

aSofaNearYou · 31/03/2022 11:03

@girlmom21

OP's just ignoring the sensible suggestions anyway and only answering about the car so I'm assuming the real issue is a dickhead husband.

He's not a dickhead for not doing an hours driving to pick her up, though. He might be for other things, but not for that.

aSofaNearYou · 31/03/2022 11:05

@girlmom21

Fair enough. You're being unreasonable but you're owning it and that's that. Your daughter comes home when she's told.

This is so presumptuous. It is an opinion that this is unreasonable. I don't think it is, OP doesn't think it is, and lots of other people on the thread don't think it is.

Original poster

Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 11:05

@AchillesPoirot

Which car isn’t working

The seven seater

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 11:07

@aSofaNearYou respectfully, I disagree - but only because he and the OP chose to move away from the area where her friends and family live.

I think if you choose to leave the area you have to make the effort to ensure the kids don't miss out.

I'd bet if his 16 year old had a party and wanted picking up a few hours later than the younger child he'd do it.

aSofaNearYou · 31/03/2022 11:09

[quote girlmom21]@aSofaNearYou respectfully, I disagree - but only because he and the OP chose to move away from the area where her friends and family live.

I think if you choose to leave the area you have to make the effort to ensure the kids don't miss out.

I'd bet if his 16 year old had a party and wanted picking up a few hours later than the younger child he'd do it. [/quote]
This is a step parenting debate more than a moving away debate.

If you subscribe to the above mentality, it still only really applies to the child's actual parent. It's fair enough if he would do it for his own child.

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 11:09

@aSofaNearYou and I do think she is. That's my opinion and OP posted here to ask who is being unreasonable. The answer is not the 12 year old who wants to attend her friends party. It's at least one of the 3 adults who could accommodate her attendance, but I'm more inclined to think all 3 play a part.

I don't think children should always get their way but there are several simple solutions here but instead she's just being told she can't stay for the full party.

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 11:10

If you subscribe to the above mentality, it still only really applies to the child's actual parent. It's fair enough if he would do it for his own child.

This is where you and I disagree - and I know we've disagreed on the step-parenting board previously.

I think if you blend families you treat all children, as a general rule, in the same way.

aSofaNearYou · 31/03/2022 11:11

[quote girlmom21]@aSofaNearYou and I do think she is. That's my opinion and OP posted here to ask who is being unreasonable. The answer is not the 12 year old who wants to attend her friends party. It's at least one of the 3 adults who could accommodate her attendance, but I'm more inclined to think all 3 play a part.

I don't think children should always get their way but there are several simple solutions here but instead she's just being told she can't stay for the full party. [/quote]
Yes but you said "you're being unreasonable and owning it". No she isn't, she doesn't agree with you that she's being unreasonable.

I don't think the 12 year old is being unreasonable not to go but it's also not unreasonable for the adults to decide it cannot he done. I've yet to see a simple solution, only one's with issues attached.

aSofaNearYou · 31/03/2022 11:11

I think if you blend families you treat all children, as a general rule, in the same way.

Yes, we do disagree on that.

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