Who's being unreasonable here?

[Onlyrainbows]

My DD just told me her best friends are having a birthday party this Friday. They literally live next door to her dad's. I had already arranged to be at a dinner party, I rarely go out, and really need to make local friends. To collect her (and back) is a 1hr trip. DH could get her, but we have a 2yo that he'd have to take with him (plus maybe his DD 9). I've told my DD she can stay till 6 (unless her dad can help). But she's not happy with that. Or we disturb the 2yo (which could be OK, but again it's a bit of a mega silly driving around because DH has to collect his DC from across the road from where he would need to collect my DD literally 2hrs after he's been there...) And I do need him to come and get the 2yo because otherwise I can't go out for the evening.

I would not have your DH and toddler do an extra 2 hour trip, it's excessive.

It's a one hour trip and he's already in the area

OP how old is this daughter? I misunderstood - I thought she was the 9yo.

@AchillesPoirot

You said a qasquai and a mini countryman. I remember because I’m looking at a countryman and it stuck in my head.

So neither is a 4 seater, so what’s the problem?

Even if it is an ordinary mini, one of the children is 16 so surely your DH can go and do pick up, come home, leave 16 year old in the house when he goes for your dd?

Unless it’s the mini (whether ordinary or countryman) with the electric issue, in which case just take the other car?

Can’t you just fix the car you’ve got, rather than take on more debt for a new car when your DH is not a good man and you’re already struggling with being married to him?

No I said I used to drive a countryman... I sold that one in 2019. DH has a 12yo 4 seater mini. My DD is 12, and she spends most of her afternoons at her dad's or in the after school clubs... So my the time I collect her it normally would be dinner time, and wouldn't see her friends afterwards.

If she's 12 can't she just go to her dads when she's finished at the party?

So you don’t have her 50:50 then.

@AchillesPoirot

If it’s only half an hour away and you’ve friends in the old area, why are you so isolated? I genuinely do not understand this whole situation

No I don't have friends in the previous area either... I sometimes see some mums, but it's genuinely twice a year because they normally want to meet when I'm at work.

@Cocomarine

Oh FFS. The conversation about your cars made me search your posts. You’ve got a joint income of £100K 🙄

So here’s the plan: his 16yo son and his daughter (12 I think, not sure which way round the 12 and 10 year old girls are) just stay at their mum’s house on the same street until the party finishes. Their mum can still go to the pub, because he is 16! Then at party finish time, the 16yo picks her up, and they get a taxi together (the 3 of them) to yours.

There are so many solutions to this, but you can’t be arsed with them, I’m not sure why.

Like your husband taking his kids and the toddler out for dinner on Friday night (nice treat!) and picking up your daughter afterwards. Why wouldn’t he do that? And clearly it’s not because he doesn’t have access to a 4 seater car.

I’m drawing the conclusion that your daughter is missing part of her best friend’s birthday party because she’s not his child.

Tell that to their mum! She doesn't like it. She doesn't think their daughter is old enough, and the 16yo responsible enough. That's just completely out of my control.

@AchillesPoirot

So you don’t have her 50:50 then.

I do in terms of nights. One week it's 2 nights, the following is 5.

@girlmom21

If she's 12 can't she just go to her dads when she's finished at the party?

She could, but her dad might not be there (as he might be busy) obviously that was the first solution that crossed my mind.

You’re very passive op.

You’ve a husband who is in debt but youre buying a new car rather than fix the one you’ve got.

The reason he’s in debt is a porn addiction.

But let’s not address the elephant in the room but worry about lifts and babies in buggies who won’t sit down.

You’re doing this all as a distraction. I know. I did it when my marriage was shit and I couldn’t face up to leaving because my brain wasn’t there yet.

I would recommend therapy but you’d have to actively engage and be prepared to leave your DH which you aren’t prepared to do.

It’s a bloody mess and all this is fiddling while Rome burns.

She’s 12?! So Y7 or possibly Y8.
Why can’t she just let herself into dad’s after the party, and you pick her up after your evening out? Or pay the 16yo SS who is on the same road to go over and babysit her there…

Why can’t your husband just take your 7 seater instead of the 4 seater?

It’s not that I disagree with posters saying that sometimes, you just can’t make it work and kids need to accept that.

But for a 12yo, a best friend’s birthday party is the best thing, leaving early sucks - so if you can make it work, why wouldn’t you?

It’s not that I think you have to, it’s that I don’t understand the lame excuses why not.

Like what he’s supposed to do with sleeping toddler whilst he has a meal out with his older kids? Well… what parents have down for decades? Bring a pushchair?

You have so many options and I don’t see why you haven’t bothered with any of them.

Yeah but she can just let herself in and hang out until she gets home, can't she?
Or until you can pick her up at 10 like you suggested, if he's out all night?

Another option that I don’t understand why you’ve ignored…
He collects his 16 & 9yos, brings them home to yours.
Later on he goes back out for your daughter.
The toddler isn’t out twice - the 16yo babysits.
Why did you even mention babysitter not available? You don’t need one!
You don’t even need him to have a 5 seater car, mysterious that that’s an issue anyway, when you have one.

The only reason not to go out a second time will be if you’d husband can’t be arsed to help a 12yo attend a best friend’s birthday party. And what does that say?

I’m divorced. My daughter is 14. I do more extra driving than other parents who aren’t divorced, I think. I’m no martyr to it - but I 100% think that if your choices mean a child has to split their lives between two locations, then the parents have to suck up extra driving for them.

It's a one hour trip and he's already in the area

Ah I read it as an hour there, an hour back, and that he would have left the area two hours previously.

Tbh I'm finding all the various different logistics quite confusing and hard to follow as they are across so many different posts.

But my underlying point is this - if there is an easy solution then great. If the timings are such that DH could go for a nice dinner with the kids while they wait, or DD would be allowed to go to dad's house with or without him etc, fantastic. But I don't think people need to be moving heaven and earth to make it possible, it's normal for kids to miss things when they've sprung them on their parents at the last minute.

I wouldn't be making an hour's round trip multiple times in one night, or keeping a stressed out toddler up past their bedtime, or paying for long taxi journey's for the kids on their own, or cancelling preexisting plans. It's just life, she should have given more warning. Refusing to even compromise on how long she stays is not great in the circumstances.

*The only reason not to go out a second time will be if you’d husband can’t be arsed to help a 12yo attend a best friend’s birthday party. And what does that say?

I’m divorced. My daughter is 14. I do more extra driving than other parents who aren’t divorced, I think. I’m no martyr to it - but I 100% think that if your choices mean a child has to split their lives between two locations, then the parents have to suck up extra driving for them.*

I don't think it says anything. An hour is quite a long drive to do on top of previously doing another hour a couple of hours ago. To me that would fall into martyr territory, and he also isn't her parent so it isn't his job to suck it up.

I also don't think it's a given that the 16 year old is fit to babysit, it depends on the 16yo.

He collects his 16 & 9yos, brings them home to yours.
Later on he goes back out for your daughter.

The toddler isn’t out twice - the 16yo babysits.

This is very logical. No worries about babysitters, children up past bedtime or car sizes.

@AchillesPoirot

You’re very passive op.

You’ve a husband who is in debt but youre buying a new car rather than fix the one you’ve got.

The reason he’s in debt is a porn addiction.

But let’s not address the elephant in the room but worry about lifts and babies in buggies who won’t sit down.

You’re doing this all as a distraction. I know. I did it when my marriage was shit and I couldn’t face up to leaving because my brain wasn’t there yet.

I would recommend therapy but you’d have to actively engage and be prepared to leave your DH which you aren’t prepared to do.

It’s a bloody mess and all this is fiddling while Rome burns.

I actually go to therapy. We're getting a new car (or we might) as it's cheaper in the long run than fixing the car. The garage has said that just to figure out what's wrong with it, it will be £65ph. And yes with every day I'm getting more tired of my husband.

You don’t need to go to a dealership. Find a local mechanic.

@girlmom21

He collects his 16 & 9yos, brings them home to yours. Later on he goes back out for your daughter. The toddler isn’t out twice - the 16yo babysits.

This is very logical. No worries about babysitters, children up past bedtime or car sizes.

This sounds like a good solution….

@girlmom21

He collects his 16 & 9yos, brings them home to yours. Later on he goes back out for your daughter. The toddler isn’t out twice - the 16yo babysits.

This is very logical. No worries about babysitters, children up past bedtime or car sizes.

Why would you not have thought of this? Is there a reason why this wouldn’t work?

It's a good solution IF the 16 year old is mature and willing to babysit and IF DH is willing to make the journey twice in one night.

That second part could be a stand alone issue in itself - I wouldn't be keen on doing it.

@aSofaNearYou

It's a good solution IF the 16 year old is mature and willing to babysit and IF DH is willing to make the journey twice in one night.

That second part could be a stand alone issue in itself - I wouldn't be keen on doing it.

OP seems to think the 16 year old is mature enough to be babysitting the 9yo because she says it's the ex that's the problem there - so if H gets the toddler to bed all the 16yo has to do is be there if they wake up in the hour their dads gone.

If H isn't willing to do the journey that's definitely a relationship issue and even more reason for the child not to miss out IMO - because it's completely feasible and not her fault at all.

If she can't go to her dads alone for an hour and a half, of course.

@girlmom21

Babysitting a 9 year old is very different to babysitting a 2 year old and requires much less maturity.

I don't think it's a relationship issue if he won't drive an extra hour to pick up his SD just so she won't miss out on extra time, tbh, I wouldn't do it as a step parent and no relationship issues here. Evidently there are other relationship issues going on from OPs responses but I don't think this is one of them.

I agree staying at dad's could be an option but this may or may not be something he allows.

The two year old will be asleep though?

It’s all a mess and chaotic and the op is in a complete brain fog I think. Where she’s so stressed with everything else that she’s overwhelmed. You know?

@AchillesPoirot

The two year old will be asleep though?

It’s all a mess and chaotic and the op is in a complete brain fog I think. Where she’s so stressed with everything else that she’s overwhelmed. You know?

Yes but what if they don't settle well and are up and down? What if they wake up with a fever or wet the bed? Is the 16 year old mature enough to deal with this, and would they even be willing to try? Maybe, but maybe not, many wouldn't be.

@AchillesPoirot

You don’t need to go to a dealership. Find a local mechanic.

The local mechanic said to take it to the dealership. Other local mechanic was basically the same quote, with the possibility of not being able to fix it.