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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable here?

230 replies

Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 17:53

My DD just told me her best friends are having a birthday party this Friday. They literally live next door to her dad's. I had already arranged to be at a dinner party, I rarely go out, and really need to make local friends. To collect her (and back) is a 1hr trip. DH could get her, but we have a 2yo that he'd have to take with him (plus maybe his DD 9). I've told my DD she can stay till 6 (unless her dad can help). But she's not happy with that. Or we disturb the 2yo (which could be OK, but again it's a bit of a mega silly driving around because DH has to collect his DC from across the road from where he would need to collect my DD literally 2hrs after he's been there...) And I do need him to come and get the 2yo because otherwise I can't go out for the evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 08:37

@AchillesPoirot

How often is she sleeping at other friends houses? Why has she been sleeping there?

If it’s her best friend just text the parents and ask?

I mean. Why is this all so stressful?

You’ve got 2 cars. Why can’t your DH use the one that doesn’t have dodgy electrics?

They don't fit in his car. But even then for her to stay overnight is not the best solution either, because I would have to go back and forth to that area, when I've already arranged test drives in a completely different area. I'll just have to be firm about it.
OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 08:40

Who or what doesn’t fit in his car?

I’m also confused. You said “ She'd had to sleep at one of the other friends' houses who I believe are boys.” Why has she already had to sleep at someone else’s house and you didn’t know if they were boys or not. Did your ex organise this?

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 08:41

I think if you moved her away from her friends it needs to be you than makes sacrifices.

If you all lived in the area previously are there any relatives DH could visit for a couple of hours?

KatsuKatsu · 31/03/2022 08:42

I don't get him it's got to this stressful stage tbh

KatsuKatsu · 31/03/2022 08:42

*get how

AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 08:43

I don’t either @KatsuKatsu. I’m so confused by it all.

Op I’ve seen a lot of your threads and been on them. You seem very very stressed.

Do you think your unhappiness with your DH is leading you to be paralysed when you have to do things and is causing you to deflect the stress rather than deal with the issues in your marriage?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 08:48

@AchillesPoirot

Who or what doesn’t fit in his car?

I’m also confused. You said “ She'd had to sleep at one of the other friends' houses who I believe are boys.” Why has she already had to sleep at someone else’s house and you didn’t know if they were boys or not. Did your ex organise this?

Somebody suggested sleeping at any of the other friends attending this party. Which is why I replied they're boys and don't really know them. Four kids and an adult don't fit in my DHs car.

To reply to a PP yes, I'm very much tired and stressed, but I think that's just partly to my very low iron levels. Yesterday I couldn't thread a conversation together because of how tired I was.

Neither of us (as in DH and I) are from this region and we don't have any local family nor friends. (Which is why I'm so desperate to create a support network and can't cancel my plans for Friday).

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 31/03/2022 08:50

I agree that if you move away (though I get it was for financial not flippant reasons) then you should put the extra driving effort in for kids’ friendships.

No kid has to go to every party, and they can’t expect to go when it’s short notice. It’s not wrong to say, sorry not this time.

But this is a best friend, and children have lost so many socials in the last 2 years. I would take her, if I could.

I’m unconvinced by the car - just jumpstart it.
Also unconvinced by the test drives next day - what time? You can easily be home for 09:00.

As for space in the car… there is your daughter, and your shared 2yo and his 2 children, yes? If they don’t fit, is it a 4 seater? Why should your child miss out because the pair of you chose to have another child but in 2+ years haven’t sorted cars that fit your family? Confused

AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 08:53

One of the kids is 16. Surely you can leave them at home? Is the car only a four seater?

I still don’t get why she has already been sleeping at other friends houses as you said she had had to sleep at one of the other friends houses? How do you not know whether those friends were boys or girls? Ask her where she’s been sleeping?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 09:00

@Cocomarine

I agree that if you move away (though I get it was for financial not flippant reasons) then you should put the extra driving effort in for kids’ friendships.

No kid has to go to every party, and they can’t expect to go when it’s short notice. It’s not wrong to say, sorry not this time.

But this is a best friend, and children have lost so many socials in the last 2 years. I would take her, if I could.

I’m unconvinced by the car - just jumpstart it.
Also unconvinced by the test drives next day - what time? You can easily be home for 09:00.

As for space in the car… there is your daughter, and your shared 2yo and his 2 children, yes? If they don’t fit, is it a 4 seater? Why should your child miss out because the pair of you chose to have another child but in 2+ years haven’t sorted cars that fit your family? Confused

The car has become increasingly unreliable, we have to jumpstart twice (morning and evening) so there's every chance if they stop the car somewhere, that it might not start again, and if the jumpstarting kit has no power left (because they had to jumpstart it before, in all likely it would leave them stranded) . The cars have just been circumstantial, it was the best car we could afford at the time.
OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 09:01

But if you don’t turn the car off you won’t have to jump start it or am I missing something?

You have two cars. Take the other car? You have posted the cars you have on another thread and neither is only a 4 seater.

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 09:03

(Which is why I'm so desperate to create a support network and can't cancel my plans for Friday).

Well you can. Because your daughter needs to keep her support network.

It feels really strange that a dinner with people you hardly know is more important than your child's best friends birthday party. A best friend she was forced to move away from.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 09:11

@AchillesPoirot

But if you don’t turn the car off you won’t have to jump start it or am I missing something?

You have two cars. Take the other car? You have posted the cars you have on another thread and neither is only a 4 seater.

I never actually clarified the two cars (apart from one being a seven seater) but effectively we have a 7 seater -qashqai and a mini. They'd obviously have to turn off the engine at some point as the whole plan is that they'd have to go and have dinner somewhere (how I don't know as the 2yo would be asleep).
OP posts:
Laptopsandmouses · 31/03/2022 09:13

This just reads like a list of excuses why this child can’t be supported. She was forced to move away from her best friend, the parents don’t have a decent car, the dad might be busy, it’s too much hassle for the step dad, the mum would also rather go out with her mates. And oh it’s her fault for telling too late.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 09:14

@girlmom21

(Which is why I'm so desperate to create a support network and can't cancel my plans for Friday).

Well you can. Because your daughter needs to keep her support network.

It feels really strange that a dinner with people you hardly know is more important than your child's best friends birthday party. A best friend she was forced to move away from.

But she hadn't moved away from them :/ she still lives her life (for the most part) around that area. They're her neighbours! Leaving early is not the end of the world (certainly not as much fun) but if she had told me with more notice then I could have move stuff around on my end.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 09:15

@Onlyrainbows so she still has her previous social life but you've become entirely isolated despite being 30 minutes from where you were?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 09:15

@Laptopsandmouses

This just reads like a list of excuses why this child can’t be supported. She was forced to move away from her best friend, the parents don’t have a decent car, the dad might be busy, it’s too much hassle for the step dad, the mum would also rather go out with her mates. And oh it’s her fault for telling too late.
How was she forced to move away?? She still sees them as much? I'm still confused how people jumped into that conclusion.
OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 09:15

You said a qasquai and a mini countryman. I remember because I’m looking at a countryman and it stuck in my head.

So neither is a 4 seater, so what’s the problem?

Even if it is an ordinary mini, one of the children is 16 so surely your DH can go and do pick up, come home, leave 16 year old in the house when he goes for your dd?

Unless it’s the mini (whether ordinary or countryman) with the electric issue, in which case just take the other car?

Can’t you just fix the car you’ve got, rather than take on more debt for a new car when your DH is not a good man and you’re already struggling with being married to him?

AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 09:17

You said you did 50/50 with your ex? So she can’t see her friends in her old area as much as she used to?

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 09:18

How was she forced to move away?? She still sees them as much? I'm still confused how people jumped into that conclusion.

We haven't jumped to any conclusion. You said you moved out of the area and have to make friends in your new area so can't possibly cancel your plans. We're literally just responding to what you're telling us...

CheshireChat · 31/03/2022 09:20

I actually get the OP's POV, if you've not been out for ages and don't really have those people to go out with, then it's really not like cancelling a dinner with an established group of friends.

Giraffe888 · 31/03/2022 09:21

I don’t get why there’s all this drama and inconvenience for everyone else just to suit your DD at the last minute!

Just tell her what arrangements do work and she either goes with that or doesn’t go?! Why’s she the one calling the shots?!

You’ve not said how old your DD is?

aSofaNearYou · 31/03/2022 09:21

I think it's perfectly normal for the answer to be no when a child asks to do something at the last minute. No need to agonize over it, and you shouldn't cancel your plans.

It would be good if her dad was able to be available, but if he can't and there are no friends she could use to get there/sleep over with, then it's just one of those things.

I would not have your DH and toddler do an extra 2 hour trip, it's excessive.

Sometimes kids have to miss things, she's going to another party the day after. Not the end of the world, and a lesson about giving more notice in future.

AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 09:23

If it’s only half an hour away and you’ve friends in the old area, why are you so isolated? I genuinely do not understand this whole situation

Cocomarine · 31/03/2022 09:24

Oh FFS. The conversation about your cars made me search your posts.
You’ve got a joint income of £100K 🙄

So here’s the plan: his 16yo son and his daughter (12 I think, not sure which way round the 12 and 10 year old girls are) just stay at their mum’s house on the same street until the party finishes. Their mum can still go to the pub, because he is 16! Then at party finish time, the 16yo picks her up, and they get a taxi together (the 3 of them) to yours.

There are so many solutions to this, but you can’t be arsed with them, I’m not sure why.

Like your husband taking his kids and the toddler out for dinner on Friday night (nice treat!) and picking up your daughter afterwards. Why wouldn’t he do that? And clearly it’s not because he doesn’t have access to a 4 seater car.

I’m drawing the conclusion that your daughter is missing part of her best friend’s birthday party because she’s not his child.