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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable here?

230 replies

Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 17:53

My DD just told me her best friends are having a birthday party this Friday. They literally live next door to her dad's. I had already arranged to be at a dinner party, I rarely go out, and really need to make local friends. To collect her (and back) is a 1hr trip. DH could get her, but we have a 2yo that he'd have to take with him (plus maybe his DD 9). I've told my DD she can stay till 6 (unless her dad can help). But she's not happy with that. Or we disturb the 2yo (which could be OK, but again it's a bit of a mega silly driving around because DH has to collect his DC from across the road from where he would need to collect my DD literally 2hrs after he's been there...) And I do need him to come and get the 2yo because otherwise I can't go out for the evening.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 30/03/2022 18:17

What time is the party de to finish? Can you ask another parent to drop DD home to you?
How is DH picking up his 9yo DD when he is supposed to be taking care of your DD and the 2yo?

Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick!

AchillesPoirot · 30/03/2022 18:17

So what is your contact schedule? 50/50?

Then I’m sorry but you knew you’d have her. Of her dad is busy then either you reorganise your night, your DH takes the other kids and gets her, or she is picked up at whatever time is convenient for your DH

RandomMess · 30/03/2022 18:19

It's very short notice to invite your DD. I would explain to the hosts that although DD is free there is no way for her to be taken/collected/both so sorry she can't come.

This is life with a family sometimes someone has to miss out due to logistics.

ZenKaleidoscope · 30/03/2022 18:20

Can't you ask if she can stay with one of her friends who's going to the party, and offer to return the favour another time.

AllOfUsAreDead · 30/03/2022 18:21

If her dad won't take her, then OK he's a useless twat, different issue, but just get your husband to take the other two kids with him to pick her up. More trips yes, but it's the easiest way out of this other than asking another parent to bring her back, maybe you take her and another friend and they bring them back.

More trips or get help. That's your options, no drama or anxiety needed. You can still go on your night out.

AllOfUsAreDead · 30/03/2022 18:24

Or you could always ask the 9 year olds other parent if they are OK to push back the pick up time an hour or so, so your husband can collect them both at once. Even easier.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 18:33

@AchillesPoirot

But did you organise it for a weekend you knew you’d have responsibility for your dd?
Well I have her EVERY Friday, I've been out before and no issues.its just that she's decided to tell me about this party a bit too late.
OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 30/03/2022 18:35

Do you have her 50/50 with her dad?

Chloemol · 30/03/2022 18:36

Why can’t she stay with her dad?

AchillesPoirot · 30/03/2022 18:37

I’m just wondering if you do do 50:50 if he’d swap a night?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 18:39

@AchillesPoirot

Do you have her 50/50 with her dad?
Yes, I have her 50/50 with her dad, and we do favours all the time (like yesterday) when I had to take part of the day off because he had an important meeting.
OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 30/03/2022 18:45

That’s what I said ConfusedConfused

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 18:45

@AchillesPoirot

I’m just wondering if you do do 50:50 if he’d swap a night?
He totally could, but he's potentially busy
OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 30/03/2022 18:46

And the one being unreasonable is your DD who has told you at the last gasp.

AchillesPoirot · 30/03/2022 18:47

Well if he’s busy and can’t swap then your dd will have to miss out or your DH will have to take all the kids to lift her?

AchillesPoirot · 30/03/2022 18:49

Maybe it’ll be a good lesson to her to let you know in good time if she needs a lift to and from

Aprilx · 30/03/2022 18:49

Well nobody is being unreasonable, it is just one of those things and you need to choose the least worst option.

If I am reading right, your ex and your current husbands ex, live across the road from each other, no point really just what were the chances of that!

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 18:50

@AchillesPoirot

And the one being unreasonable is your DD who has told you at the last gasp.
Thanks! That's more or less what I think.
OP posts:
WindsweptNotInteresting · 30/03/2022 18:54

Could your DH not pick up his child 2 hours earlier and drop them back 2 hours earlier when they go back to their mum's?

WonderfulYou · 30/03/2022 18:58

Surely you just ask her dad and unless he’s away he can compromise and return earlier or go out later on than planned.

If her dad can’t do it then your DH will have to go and collect her unless you cancel your evening which I don’t think is a good idea - what does your DH think?

Unless her dad is doing something very important then it’s shitty of him to not sort this out.
When will he know if he’s busy or not?

I’d text her dad and say you need to know ASAP else she can’t go so you want to let her know soon so she can deal with the upset.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 18:59

@Aprilx

Well nobody is being unreasonable, it is just one of those things and you need to choose the least worst option.

If I am reading right, your ex and your current husbands ex, live across the road from each other, no point really just what were the chances of that!

It's a smallish village area... When we bought our house we got priced out of that area, my DHs moved to that house (across the road from my ex) about 2-3 years ago. My exH has lived there for 8+ years
OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 30/03/2022 18:59

What would you define as something very important though? Why should the dad have to compromise when he’s not got responsibility for his dd that evening?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 18:59

*DHs ex (not my DH himself!!) Moved to that house

OP posts:
Laptopsandmouses · 30/03/2022 19:05

Just tell her dad to get her or arrange a sleep over with the best friend, or your husband can do the trip it’s a one off. Yes it’s a pain but I really can’t see how as three grown adults you can’t just do it.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 19:08

@AchillesPoirot

What would you define as something very important though? Why should the dad have to compromise when he’s not got responsibility for his dd that evening?
And I do get that .. normally something very important would be work related. Which is when we're usually happy to step in and help. DH is happy to collect his two slightly later and then take them to McD but even then it wouldn't be until 830 like my DD wants.
OP posts: