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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable here?

230 replies

Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 17:53

My DD just told me her best friends are having a birthday party this Friday. They literally live next door to her dad's. I had already arranged to be at a dinner party, I rarely go out, and really need to make local friends. To collect her (and back) is a 1hr trip. DH could get her, but we have a 2yo that he'd have to take with him (plus maybe his DD 9). I've told my DD she can stay till 6 (unless her dad can help). But she's not happy with that. Or we disturb the 2yo (which could be OK, but again it's a bit of a mega silly driving around because DH has to collect his DC from across the road from where he would need to collect my DD literally 2hrs after he's been there...) And I do need him to come and get the 2yo because otherwise I can't go out for the evening.

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 30/03/2022 19:11

You’ve been given other options though? Can she stay over with a friend? Or stay late and you collect her after your dinner party?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 19:15

@AchillesPoirot

You’ve been given other options though? Can she stay over with a friend? Or stay late and you collect her after your dinner party?
I don't know anyone who's going (I can only assume who else is going, but I really wouldn't know and don't know the mums enough to ask such a favour). I also thought of asking the birthday boys' mum, but surely it would have been offered? I think I could get her closer to 10, which I assume would be too late?
OP posts:
Just10moreminutesplease · 30/03/2022 19:18

I think it would be really unfair for your daughter to miss out because her parents live a distance away from one another. I’d suck up taking the younger kids on the drive for a special occasion.

AchillesPoirot · 30/03/2022 19:20

Why would the birthday boys mum offer to keep your dd overnight unless you told them you needed it?

dollydimple123 · 30/03/2022 19:23

Dad who lives next door nears to step in and handle this! It seems ridiculous for your DH to drive hours when she's is next door to dads

Laptopsandmouses · 30/03/2022 19:24

I’d also suck it up, the parents need to put her first, this is all it’s too much hassle and I might be busy, it’s a bit shitty. It’s her best friends birthday, one of them, preferably her actual father needs to make a tiny little sacrifice.

AllOfUsAreDead · 30/03/2022 19:29

@AchillesPoirot

You’ve been given other options though? Can she stay over with a friend? Or stay late and you collect her after your dinner party?
Lots of options:
  1. Dad could suck it up and take her
  2. Husband could suck it up and do the drives
  3. Husband could ask ex if he can pick up his child later than usual on a one off
  4. She could ask other parents to collect her child after taking theirs, by asking her child who is going

Seems more keen to just complain rather than sort it.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 19:29

@AchillesPoirot

Why would the birthday boys mum offer to keep your dd overnight unless you told them you needed it?
I feel it's rude to ask though!
OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 19:33

3- ex wife has made lots of noise that she's doing us a favour in general by keeping their kids for a couple of hours (while either of us finishes work). - claiming she wanted to go to the pub (but that's by the by).

4- it would have to be a sleepover type of arrangement, but I don't feel comfortable enough with other mums (especially as it turns out it's only boys!)

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 19:34

DH is happy to collect his two slightly later and then take them to McD but even then it wouldn't be until 830 like my DD wants.

Why exactly couldn't it be until 830 for one evening?

Your oh sounds an arse to not accommodate this for one evening. Collect his child a tad later. Then dinner, perhaps one with soft play. Or even a bowling trip or a Playpark after?

I don't see the issue!

Kapsauss · 30/03/2022 19:34

Your ex needs to return you the favour - you took the whole day off from work to accommodate his needs, now is his turn.
Sounds like he's all about his time and everyone else can get stuffed.

Momicrone · 30/03/2022 19:36

Can't you find a different babysitter

Momicrone · 30/03/2022 19:38

Although given the proximity to her father's it would make sense for him to be involved

AllOfUsAreDead · 30/03/2022 19:41

DH is happy to collect his two slightly later and then take them to McD but even then it wouldn't be until 830 like my DD wants.

Jesus stand up to your own daughter. Tell her she is getting to go so she can be happy about that, leaving at 8 is a decent price to pay. There, you've got it sorted.

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 19:42

If dad didn't happen to live next door you wouldn't be asking him to give up his "time off" though. Just as you shouldn't give up yourself.

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 19:42

@AllOfUsAreDead

DH is happy to collect his two slightly later and then take them to McD but even then it wouldn't be until 830 like my DD wants.

Jesus stand up to your own daughter. Tell her she is getting to go so she can be happy about that, leaving at 8 is a decent price to pay. There, you've got it sorted.

Agreed. She can still go but she does need to learn she is part of a family unit.
KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 19:43

How old is she?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 19:46

@ChoiceMummy

DH is happy to collect his two slightly later and then take them to McD but even then it wouldn't be until 830 like my DD wants.

Why exactly couldn't it be until 830 for one evening?

Your oh sounds an arse to not accommodate this for one evening. Collect his child a tad later. Then dinner, perhaps one with soft play. Or even a bowling trip or a Playpark after?

I don't see the issue!

We don't have any of that here! Plus his two would definitely want to go to a soft play...
OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 30/03/2022 19:47

@KatsuKatsu

If dad didn't happen to live next door you wouldn't be asking him to give up his "time off" though. Just as you shouldn't give up yourself.
That’s what I’m getting at.

I had older and younger kids. It’s all about compromise. For the kids too as well as the adults. Not everyone can get exactly what they want.

I still remember the big teen stage when they wanted collected at 1.30am and my personal limit was 12.30.

It doesn’t do them any harm to say no occasionally. And find a backbone.

(Just you seem to worry and pander to your kids - you’ve another thread going about how to get your two year old to sit in a buggy, and now you’re worrying about jumping through hops for your dd. We can do x or y dd. What’s your pleasure? End of.)

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 19:47

It doesn't really help that I've already had to move stuff around for this weekend for her other party. We desperately need another car and need to visit dealerships and such.

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 30/03/2022 19:49

No you don’t. Not all families can afford two cars.

Dd. You can go to one party. Not both. Pick one. We can’t make the logistics for both work and you’re one of 4 who all have to be considered.

Oh dear so I’m a big meanie chops. Boohoo. I’m sure I’ll get over it.

That’s about the convo I’d have.

BakewellGin1 · 30/03/2022 19:51

Tell DD she has to compromise and will be picked up at 7.30pm/8.00pm or doesn't go at all (unless ExH can accommodate)

SarahAndQuack · 30/03/2022 19:58

I agree with others saying that your DD can't assume she would be able to go to a party at such short notice. It is reasonable to say you have a long-standing commitment so you can't go.

I do also think your ex is being a bit of a dick to say he's 'maybe' busy (though, perhaps he is definitely busy but it's something he'd rather not discuss, like a date?).

It strikes me that if you regularly swap days for important events, but he doesn't consider a child's party to be important and you (obviously, based on your post) do, then you need either to stop swapping days, or to have a conversation with him about it. It would be too easy to slip into a situation where you do all the tricky bits around parenting because you prioritise them, and other parents may well subconsciously expect you, as mum, are responsible for sorting out your DD's social life, because people do stereotype.

Momicrone · 30/03/2022 20:08

Yes agree, 'maybe busy' is a bit shit, poor kid

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 20:12

@AchillesPoirot

No you don’t. Not all families can afford two cars.

Dd. You can go to one party. Not both. Pick one. We can’t make the logistics for both work and you’re one of 4 who all have to be considered.

Oh dear so I’m a big meanie chops. Boohoo. I’m sure I’ll get over it.

That’s about the convo I’d have.

I'm actually with you!! (That's what I told her... It's not only her in this family and she's going to a party the following day).
OP posts:
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