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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being unreasonable here?

230 replies

Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 17:53

My DD just told me her best friends are having a birthday party this Friday. They literally live next door to her dad's. I had already arranged to be at a dinner party, I rarely go out, and really need to make local friends. To collect her (and back) is a 1hr trip. DH could get her, but we have a 2yo that he'd have to take with him (plus maybe his DD 9). I've told my DD she can stay till 6 (unless her dad can help). But she's not happy with that. Or we disturb the 2yo (which could be OK, but again it's a bit of a mega silly driving around because DH has to collect his DC from across the road from where he would need to collect my DD literally 2hrs after he's been there...) And I do need him to come and get the 2yo because otherwise I can't go out for the evening.

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 30/03/2022 20:13

So what’s the point of this thread? I’m sorry I’m confused.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 20:15

@AchillesPoirot

So what’s the point of this thread? I’m sorry I’m confused.
Because I feel bad to have told her that.
OP posts:
SuckIt · 30/03/2022 20:17

Your ex sounds as much as an arse as mine. Co parenting with him is like crawling across broken glass.

cherryonthecakes · 30/03/2022 20:46

When did dd find out about the party?

If dad can't do it then she needs to compromise or not go at all because it can't be done logistically. Dd can't dictate that she wants to stay until 8:30

FairyCakeWings · 30/03/2022 20:56

How come her best friends are so far away from where you live? That combined with you saying that you need to make local friends suggests that you moved to be further away from her friends and her Dad?

If that’s the case, then between you and your DH, you need to accommodate your dd. I’m totally projecting though, because I was in your dds position for a while as a child when my mum moved with her new partner and it created a lot of resentment.

MichelleScarn · 30/03/2022 21:04

@FairyCakeWings

How come her best friends are so far away from where you live? That combined with you saying that you need to make local friends suggests that you moved to be further away from her friends and her Dad?

If that’s the case, then between you and your DH, you need to accommodate your dd. I’m totally projecting though, because I was in your dds position for a while as a child when my mum moved with her new partner and it created a lot of resentment.

I agree with this, you said there's a hole in the hedge they go through to see each other so are these long standing childhood besties and you and children have moved out of childhood home to be with your now DH?
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 21:24

I've explained it before in the thread. We used to all live in the same area (including DH). We originally stayed there, but it got to a point that we were outpriced of that area so had to move away where we could actually afford to live.

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 22:03

@Onlyrainbows

I still don't get why your current partner is being such an arse and won't possibly wait until 830 for her?
It is only one occasion. Not every day and ultimately its what we do as parents for our children. Yes she has another party the next day, but that's irrelevant to this.
It seems unfair that when he's as involved as he is that he cannot act reasonably for one evening, entertaining the other children in that locale, even if it was electronics in the car after fish and chips and Playpark. And tbh, as the mother, I wouldn't be goibg out myself knowing she couldn't have that time just because my supposed partner was being an arse about it all.

Iloveyourbracelet · 30/03/2022 22:09

You can say no to dd if it doesn't work.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/03/2022 22:09

Yanbu if her dad can't have her then she will have to come home at 6pm

Is staying overnight atvthe friends house not an option?

Indicatrice · 30/03/2022 22:17

3- ex wife has made lots of noise that she's doing us a favour in general by keeping their kids for a couple of hours (while either of us finishes work). - claiming she wanted to go to the pub (but that's by the by).

Well, she is doing you a favour? Confused It’s not her job.

Laptopsandmouses · 30/03/2022 22:36

Because I feel bad to have told her that.

I can see why.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 22:42

[quote ChoiceMummy]@Onlyrainbows

I still don't get why your current partner is being such an arse and won't possibly wait until 830 for her?
It is only one occasion. Not every day and ultimately its what we do as parents for our children. Yes she has another party the next day, but that's irrelevant to this.
It seems unfair that when he's as involved as he is that he cannot act reasonably for one evening, entertaining the other children in that locale, even if it was electronics in the car after fish and chips and Playpark. And tbh, as the mother, I wouldn't be goibg out myself knowing she couldn't have that time just because my supposed partner was being an arse about it all.[/quote]
It's in reality the toddler! He's not the easiest to deal with and in that sense I wouldn't want to impose the crying (for maybe hours) just so my DD can have a longer time with her friends. If she had told me about this before, then I would have changed my commitments for that day.

OP posts:
browneyes77 · 30/03/2022 22:51

@BakewellGin1

Tell DD she has to compromise and will be picked up at 7.30pm/8.00pm or doesn't go at all (unless ExH can accommodate)
My thoughts entirely.
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 30/03/2022 22:57

Mist likely 2yo will fall asleep so they'll have to be waiting in the car for up to two hours. Agreed that maybe the compromise is 730

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/03/2022 23:00

I agree with everything @AchillesPoirot has said.

She wants to go, she doesn't have to go. You are allowed to prioritise your other family members and - god forbid! - yourself, even though you are a mother and thus at the bottom of the pile.

Either her father takes her as he lives next door, or she doesn't go.

Lostoldusername · 30/03/2022 23:18

"Sorry, you haven't given me enough notice for this party. I've got plans, DH has the youngest who will more than likely be super tired by that point, and your Dad has plans also. I'm afraid unless you are prepared to come back at (insert time that suits) then its just not possible for you to go"

ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 23:24

@Onlyrainbows

Mist likely 2yo will fall asleep so they'll have to be waiting in the car for up to two hours. Agreed that maybe the compromise is 730
What's the, real difference then if 2yo will be asleep?

I presume this child is your current husband's? This risks becoming a cannot possibly inconvenience my biological son situation. Family makes compromises. And a sleeping child as a one off, really shouldn't be such an issue that your husband won't facilitate an 830 pickup.

Cocomarine · 30/03/2022 23:29

This is her best friend, literally lives next door to one of her homes. Yet you can’t just text the mum / dad of the birthday boy and ask for a sleepover or whether they know if any of the others might be approachable for a lift?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 31/03/2022 07:37

@Cocomarine

This is her best friend, literally lives next door to one of her homes. Yet you can’t just text the mum / dad of the birthday boy and ask for a sleepover or whether they know if any of the others might be approachable for a lift?
There is no lift. Nobody lives where we live. She'd had to sleep at one of the other friends' houses who I believe are boys. Because of our lack of reliable cars and other normal weekend commitments, because of her other party on Saturday (which I have to collect on Sunday) we've moved a few things around to facilitate this for her. Given the whole circumstances of this weekend, I do believe a compromise of say 7-730 seems better. Unfortunately the car that they'll need to use for pickup has faulty electrics and we have to carry a jumpstart kit with us at all times. Not the kids' fault obviously but it's definitely an extra level of stress.
OP posts:
AllOfUsAreDead · 31/03/2022 07:47

@AchillesPoirot

So what’s the point of this thread? I’m sorry I’m confused.
I think she wants some magic solution where everyone is happy. It doesn't exist, so she'll waste time moaning about it, then be a martyr and cancel her plans. Even though there have been plenty of good suggestions, she'd rather have her life dictated to her by a child.
olympicsrock · 31/03/2022 07:49

Yes - the compromise time of 7:30 is the right one. Husband can take at a tablet/comics/ snacks to keep kids busy for a while.

Cocomarine · 31/03/2022 08:15

Why would she have to sleep at one of the other friend’s houses and not the birthday boy?
Why on earth does it matter at this age that the friends are boys?

Have I missed the big deal with the car? Either you can use it (with jump starter) or you can’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ so surely that’s irrelevant to the pick up time?

AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 08:27

How often is she sleeping at other friends houses? Why has she been sleeping there?

If it’s her best friend just text the parents and ask?

I mean. Why is this all so stressful?

You’ve got 2 cars. Why can’t your DH use the one that doesn’t have dodgy electrics?

AchillesPoirot · 31/03/2022 08:28

And what’s wrong with saying you can’t do two parties at the weekend you can only do one?

I just don’t get this.