AIBu to think kids can't be brave and strong anymore?

[vbnm89]

AIBuU to think that being brave and strong is now frowned upon?? I have noticed this generation of kids having very little resilience. My kids and their friends are always moaning they have something wrong or something hurts or they can't do something. If children fall over now you aren't allowed to say be brave and teaching them to be strong could be bad for their mental health. I only ever keep my kids off school for a temperature or being sick - I tell them to suck it up and get on with it - you can't just miss school every time something hurts.

When I was a teenager I wanted to be strong and tough but now it seems that you can't bring your children up to be strong as you may damage their mental health. Children seem to want to be weak and dependable on others rather than strong and independent. They don't seem to have any get up and go and if anything is a bit tough the mental health card is used to stop them having to do anything they can't or don 't like doing!!

We absolutely still tell kids to be brave and strong when it comes to things they can deal with on their own.

Difference is we're also learning to listen and help kids through serious issues rather than ignoring it and telling them to toughen up.

@bellac11 do you apply that to positive feelings and emotions as well?

Masking your emotions is a lot easier and requires a lot less bravery than opening up tbh. How can you consider today’s kids less resilient? They’ve just been through a pandemic, a lot of them will be very cold this winter and some of them won’t be eating that much this half-term. Yet they will show up to school and do the best they can; with whatever tools they have in their tiny arsenals. Absolute rubbish!

[quote ldontWanna]@bellac11 do you apply that to positive feelings and emotions as well?[/quote]
I think it depends what you mean by positive. I like to explore what a situation is so I examine everything so I will pick things apart.

I get a bit frustrated with a stance of 'it will be alright'.

Well it might be alright, but I need to check it out first, make sure all the things are in place to make something alright, then I can feel good about it because then Im sure about it.

But there is a reason to check whether distress is distress, it needs to be checked out, you might not want to check whether positivity is positivity, you dont need to be so cautious I suppose.

@vivainsomnia

Yet the number of referrals for mental health support for kids suffering from anxiety has never been so high.

There's been a pandemic @vivainsomnia!

In my county of Leicestershire this meant young people couldn't socialise, see their friends, play sport, visit a play park, attend clubs, meet anyone outside of their household, explore, learn, climb, take risks, begin relationships, etc etc etc for 6 months solid, followed by intermittent months of the same.

It was brutally hard for adults, never mind young people who are still in the process of growing up, developing social skills, understanding emotions.

Teenagers in particular need to pull away from their immediate family, explore their environment, form close friendships, experiment, learn and grow so that they can get a sense of self outside of their caregivers. They couldn't do gnus and the effect of their MH and development has been huge.

I would say that some of the bravest and strongest young people that I know are those who have bravely spoken about their MH difficulties, and asked for help to explore and overcome them.

So no OP I don't think being brave and strong is frowned upon, but I have a feeling that my interpretation of those adjectives is different to yours.

It’s the opposite, acknowledging real feelings and actually feeling them makes much more emotionally resilient children who grow up to me emotionally intelligent and self aware adults

“ it was all 'stiff upper lip' and that may have served people well in extreme situations like during the war”

Not sure that has served people well at all. The trauma not being dealt with has reverberated down the generations, I see it in my work

@RichTeaRichTea

“ it was all 'stiff upper lip' and that may have served people well in extreme situations like during the war”

Not sure that has served people well at all. The trauma not being dealt with has reverberated down the generations, I see it in my work

You're talking about the aftermath, during a crisis it served people but without the support once the war finished (which of course was not forthcoming/no debrief/had to clear up and get on with it) thats the damage caused, not the 'getting on with it while it happened'

There are different stages to coping and resilience, you can only build resilience by coping but thats if there is room to understand what happened to you. I think thats the bit that got missed although one of the mitgations was a shared experience for many.

@bellac11 and that is why generalisations don't work.

Your way sounds exhausting and overwhelming to me. Not just that, but it would probably send me in a pretty unhealthy (overthinking)spiral.

I cope and manage my issues in completely different ways, I also am confident in my feelings and I know when I am distressed,angry,sad ,happy etc ,why and more importantly that they are real and correct.I also know what needs to happen to sort it out. 99% of the time is just space to vent,acknowledgment/validation. As I process them and allow myself to feel them,they diminish in intensity and fizzle out.Then I'm over it and it's done and dusted.

Having to justify how I feel,overanalyse it, unpicking it ,questioning them etc, even to myself, would just breed frustration and resentment, which just prolongs the situation and is counterintuitive.

I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong. Just that some people might be like me,some like you, and millions others deal with things in other different ways. And some ways can be harmful to some,even if they work very well for others.

For those who think kids today lack resilience, what exactly is it about kids today that makes you think this? Because having mental health issues is not a sign of lacking resilience, they're a health issue in the same way a broken leg or diabetes doesn't represent a lack of resilience.

[quote ldontWanna]@bellac11 and that is why generalisations don't work.

Your way sounds exhausting and overwhelming to me. Not just that, but it would probably send me in a pretty unhealthy (overthinking)spiral.

I cope and manage my issues in completely different ways, I also am confident in my feelings and I know when I am distressed,angry,sad ,happy etc ,why and more importantly that they are real and correct.I also know what needs to happen to sort it out. 99% of the time is just space to vent,acknowledgment/validation. As I process them and allow myself to feel them,they diminish in intensity and fizzle out.Then I'm over it and it's done and dusted.

Having to justify how I feel,overanalyse it, unpicking it ,questioning them etc, even to myself, would just breed frustration and resentment, which just prolongs the situation and is counterintuitive.

I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong. Just that some people might be like me,some like you, and millions others deal with things in other different ways. And some ways can be harmful to some,even if they work very well for others.[/quote]
Perhaps Ive explained it differently to you but I would agree that what you describe is what I do!

I need to explore, unpick and work out, you use the terms, vent, acknowledge and validate and process and as you say they then diminish intensity over time.

Same thing, different words.

@Hospedia

For those who think kids today lack resilience, what exactly is it about kids today that makes you think this? Because having mental health issues is not a sign of lacking resilience, they're a health issue in the same way a broken leg or diabetes doesn't represent a lack of resilience.

I don't want to speak in general terms because it's inaccurate, but from my own experiences, Running a business, I have staff members calling in sick because: The car has broken down, they live less than a mile away but it's too far to walk. Can't come to work for an 8 hour shift because they have a dentist appointment 6 hours into the shift. Can't get in because mum can't drive them, and obviously can't get public transport at 18 Have to leave work early because their lift can only get them at x time and again couldn't possibly take public transport. I need a break after 1 hour, then 2 etc.... Can't expect me to work on my own, I need help. (5 customers) Can't carry a tray of glasses. Can't come in on time because I'm going out the night before.

Dc (19) school friends:
Didn't get into 1st choice uni, didn't want to apply anywhere else, has now decided not to bother reapplying because they might not get in again.
Can't go to prom because their date was sick and didn't want to go alone (despite the majority going solo)
Refused to go to school for 2 weeks because they didn't get head girl position.
Tried to quit course because they had to do 4 hours extra work a week.
Want to quit uni because they have to go in every day.
Want to quit uni because they don't have any money, and don't want to get a job.
Needed to take a week off school after they didn't do as well in their mock exams.

Dc (8)
Crying because they left a piece of artwork at school.
Cried because they weren't picked for the first team, parents went into school to demand they were put in.
Refused to go into school because they weren't main part in school play.
Refused to do work on zoom (lockdown) because they didn't like the topic.
Won't get in the pool because it's not heated.
Need a packed lunch because they don't like school food,(no packed lunches allowed and about 10 different food options every day)
Won't go to trampolining party because they can't jump as high as x.

That's just a few examples, but as I say I don't want to generalize, this is only my personal experience with some young people, and in most of these cases the parents supported the kids decisions, but honestly I think it's doing the lm way more harm than good.

The kids who has suffers real trauma, parent dying, medical conditions etc... are the most resilient by far, it's the ones who have never really had anything go wrong that seem to have the most problems with coping with the small stuff.

“ You're talking about the aftermath, during a crisis it served people but without the support once the war finished (which of course was not forthcoming/no debrief/had to clear up and get on with it) thats the damage caused, not the 'getting on with it while it happened'”

That’s not fashion though - everyone gets on with it during a war it while it happens everywhere and throughout time, it’s not a “fashion” for “stiff upper lips”

purpleboy What makes you think those things you list are more likely to happen now than in the past?

So a handful of kids, at least one of which it appears you yourself are raising (DC8?), and that enough to make you think kids now are less resilient? My own experiences with children and young people are the complete opposite.

@Hospedia

So a handful of kids, at least one of which it appears you yourself are raising (DC8?), and that enough to make you think kids now are less resilient? My own experiences with children and young people are the complete opposite.

Exactly. I have an 8 year old and she wouldn’t do any of the things listed. She takes most things on the chin. She might be upset about some of the stuff, and we’d chat about it, but she wouldn’t refuse to do something or behave in any way like the 8 year old in the example. None of her friends would either.

Same here, my DS would be embarrassed if he did any of those things! @purpleboy this sounds like an issue with your parenting, I'm afraid. It's common for parents to 'baby' their youngest without realising it.

@RichTeaRichTea

purpleboy What makes you think those things you list are more likely to happen now than in the past?

I'm not sure I can see where I said that?

Because you were literally answering the question:

For those who think kids today lack resilience, what exactly is it about kids today that makes you think this?

On a thread which is all about how kids these days are supposedly less resilient.

@Hospedia

So a handful of kids, at least one of which it appears you yourself are raising (DC8?), and that enough to make you think kids now are less resilient? My own experiences with children and young people are the complete opposite.

It's not exactly a handful, but you'll note where I said I don't want to generalize because it's inaccurate, meaning there are different types of kids all over the world, they all have different personalities, they all have different thresholds. I don't remember ever having friends at school that would be allowed to get away with any of the stuff I've listed, and most of my friends worked (hard) alongside college and uni, relying on themselves to get to and from etc... that's not to say it didn't happen, just I wasn't aware of it.

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

Same here, my DS would be embarrassed if he did any of those things! *@purpleboy* this sounds like an issue with your parenting, I'm afraid. It's common for parents to 'baby' their youngest without realising it.

That's a big assumption to make when I haven't mentioned my child

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

Because you were literally answering the question:

For those who think kids today lack resilience, what exactly is it about kids today that makes you think this?

On a thread which is all about how kids these days are supposedly less resilient.

Yes TBF you're right, and I think I was not trying to say they are more or less likely, just examples of some of the kids/young adults I've known recently, I did say I didn't want to generalize because it's inaccurate though.

@purpleboy, I just cannot recognise anyone in your description.
Neither from the 19yo nor the 8yo.

And yes children who have had chronic illnesses are by far the most resilient. They’ve had no choice and that has been like this like for ever. Nothing to do with the youth of our time….

This generation seem really strong to me. Your post is ridiculous.