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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBu to think kids can't be brave and strong anymore?

239 replies

vbnm89 · 30/03/2022 16:23

AIBuU to think that being brave and strong is now frowned upon?? I have noticed this generation of kids having very little resilience. My kids and their friends are always moaning they have something wrong or something hurts or they can't do something. If children fall over now you aren't allowed to say be brave and teaching them to be strong could be bad for their mental health. I only ever keep my kids off school for a temperature or being sick - I tell them to suck it up and get on with it - you can't just miss school every time something hurts.

When I was a teenager I wanted to be strong and tough but now it seems that you can't bring your children up to be strong as you may damage their mental health. Children seem to want to be weak and dependable on others rather than strong and independent. They don't seem to have any get up and go and if anything is a bit tough the mental health card is used to stop them having to do anything they can't or don 't like doing!!

OP posts:
searchingforsomethiing · 30/03/2022 16:59

@XYChromo

I tend to agree. I think it’s great to have an open dialogue about mental health but it seem like there’s little resilience.

And that other great trait called grit.

BiscuitLover3678 · 30/03/2022 17:00

Ermmm kids are actually a lot braver and stronger because they can admit when they have a problem instead of going off the wall and achieve much more in life.

Telling kids to ‘buck up’ just turns them into someone who can’t deal with things in later life.

beattieedny · 30/03/2022 17:04

I agree to an extent. I think they could do with being more resilient, although I notice a swing back that way in younger genZ ones coming up to secondary now.

Mumoblue · 30/03/2022 17:05

YABU. The older generation’s “stiff upper lip” attitude has definitely done more harm than good.

GeminiTwin · 30/03/2022 17:08

@XYChromo

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
Totally agree.
MedusasBadHairDay · 30/03/2022 17:08

I'd be surprised if a school banned the word brave. Suspect we're either in completely imaginary territory or it's a misunderstanding.

Most people I know are raising their kids to be brave and strong, but not to the detriment of them being able to acknowledge and name their emotions. Letting them know t's ok to be scared and worried, and often it's possible to be scared and worried whilst also being brave and strong.

Which will build more resilience. How resilient is the person who puts on a brave face and doesn't reach out for help when they need it compared to the one who admits they need help and is able to improve things?

Sleepyblueocean · 30/03/2022 17:10

My son is medicated for his anxiety. He will also due to disability, face challenges every day of his life that you will never understand.

XYChromo · 30/03/2022 17:12

What exactly broke the guidelines MNHQ? Did my comment cause offence?

GeminiTwin · 30/03/2022 17:14

@XYChromo

What exactly broke the guidelines MNHQ? Did my comment cause offence?
I was wondering the same thing! How bizarre.
FairyCakeWings · 30/03/2022 17:14

I work in KS1 and I’ve found it must be quite normal for children to go through a phase of needing to report every minor thing that could possibly go wrong because most of them do it for a while, but it stops eventually.

I think it’s just part of the learning about what injuries or feelings are normal and which aren’t. They don’t automatically know what things are worth telling an adult about at school and what doesn’t matter. I’d rather be a little bit soft and have children tell me a million things that don’t matter instead of missing one thing that really does matter.

I think we do teach children to be brave, but in context. We can acknowledge feelings of being scared or worried at the same time as telling them they just have to get on with it.

XYChromo · 30/03/2022 17:15

Seems you need to tow a certain line on this board and that expressing a differing opinion isn’t allowed.

vbnm89 · 30/03/2022 17:17

@XYChromo

What exactly broke the guidelines MNHQ? Did my comment cause offence?
I know very weird. At least that are a few people who get my point!!
OP posts:
Sleepyblueocean · 30/03/2022 17:20

Disablist comments get deleted.

Fabtasticfanatic · 30/03/2022 17:21

I work in admin for a young adult mental health team. It's by nature frustrating as we have very limited resources but someone experiencing mental health problems often isn't in the best place to remember to attend their appointments. Some have very complex diagnoses alongside other disabilities, some have really horrific histories of abuse, others have multiple reasons why they aren't coping so well at the moment. None of them are not brave. Sometimes getting out of bed is demonstrating resilience, and sometimes being brave is filling in a form or picking up the phone to tell someone you are struggling. Asking for help is always brave, and that is what we should be teaching our children.

Maverickess · 30/03/2022 17:23

I think there's a balance to be struck between encouraging resilience and pandering, and too much one way or the other is damaging.
I think we should be teaching children that having emotions is ok, and acceptable and part of being a human being, and that includes negative emotions that arise around situations of failure in something. Ignoring those emotions is not good, and nor is allowing them to take over and dictate life.
Being able to manage the emotions, take responsibility for them and deal with them is imo, an important part of becoming an adult, and if you're not afforded the opportunity to learn that because you are either constantly told to get over it and just get on with it, or you have someone over invested in making sure that you don't have to feel those emotions, then at some point they're going to become overwhelming and cause problems.

I was always told to just get on with it, with anything life threw at me with the attitude that "Well, we all have to deal with that!" And so I grew up feeling odd and deficient at feeling perfectly normal emotions and tried to suppress them, I think that contributed to the mental health issues I faced. Those emotions were never acknowledged by the people that I looked to for support in difficult circumstances, they were ignored, so I thought something was wrong with me - because as I now know, my parents wanted me to be resilient to life's ups and downs.
Conversely, I have encountered people who will excuse the most awful behaviour and even celebrate it (I have behaved in ways I'm not proud of in the past) and allow me to not take responsibility for that behaviour, or try to change it by learning to deal with the negative emotions that life can make you feel. I understand that when in the grip of a mental health crisis, that my behaviour is influenced by that, and not necessarily my 'fault' but I also feel that I should not be shielded from all concequences of that behaviour, nor encouraged to not take some responsibility for it.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 30/03/2022 17:24

What an original thought, OP...

“Our sires’ age was worse than our grandsires’. We, their sons, are more worthless than they; so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.”

Book III of Odes, Horace
circa 20 BC

“Whither are the manly vigour and athletic appearance of our forefathers flown? Can these be their legitimate heirs? Surely, no; a race of effeminate, self-admiring, emaciated fribbles can never have descended in a direct line from the heroes of Potiers and Agincourt…”

Letter in Town and Country magazine republished in Paris Fashion: A Cultural History
1771

“Never has youth been exposed to such dangers of both perversion and arrest as in our own land and day. Increasing urban life with its temptations, prematurities, sedentary occupations, and passive stimuli just when an active life is most needed, early emancipation and a lessening sense for both duty and discipline…”

The Psychology of Adolescence, Granville Stanley Hall
1904

“Parents themselves were often the cause of many difficulties. They frequently failed in their obvious duty to teach self-control and discipline to their own children.”

Problems of Young People, Leeds Mercury
1938

“…in youth clubs were young people who would not take part in boxing, wrestling or similar exercises which did not appeal to them. The ‘tough guy’ of the films made some appeal but when it came to something that led to physical strain or risk they would not take it.”

Young People Who Spend Too Much, Dundee Evening Telegraph
1945

SevenWaystoLeave · 30/03/2022 17:29

@Howdoisawwithnosaw

You seem to be equating bravery and strength with suppression of emotions. How odd.
Yes, this. You can bring a child up to be brave and resilient without making them feel like they can't talk about their emotions or making them suffer alone. In fact, this will make them more resilient as it is unhealthy and unsustainable to simply bottle things up. Much better to teach them healthy coping mechanisms to adversity which includes asking for help if you need it.
TheNameOfTheRoses · 30/03/2022 17:32

I think you are mixing different ideas. Being brave, strong and independent are 3 very different things.

I have an issue with being strong because it teaches people (and children) to carry in no matter what. That’s nit just detrimental to their MH but also to their health.
Eg going to school or work when you are in death door isn’t being strong. It’s being stupid because you’ll just delay your recovery (or make things worse).
That sort if message is why people dot go to see their GP because ‘it’s just a small thing. I can cope with it’ only to discover that that small thing was actually cancer (my FIL was a case in point there).

Being brave is about stiff upper lip and not showing feelings etc… so I can see the relationship between that and MH tbh.

Being independent is another totally different issue. One that was we should be looking at because it encourages individualism when we are actually all interconnected….

On the top of that, what you are trying to encourage in your dc is resilience. Yep another quality. And yes resilience will make the difference in people’s life. But that’s not being strong. That’s nit being brave. And that’s not being independent.

riotlady · 30/03/2022 17:34

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

What an original thought, OP...

“Our sires’ age was worse than our grandsires’. We, their sons, are more worthless than they; so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.”

Book III of Odes, Horace
circa 20 BC

“Whither are the manly vigour and athletic appearance of our forefathers flown? Can these be their legitimate heirs? Surely, no; a race of effeminate, self-admiring, emaciated fribbles can never have descended in a direct line from the heroes of Potiers and Agincourt…”

Letter in Town and Country magazine republished in Paris Fashion: A Cultural History
1771

“Never has youth been exposed to such dangers of both perversion and arrest as in our own land and day. Increasing urban life with its temptations, prematurities, sedentary occupations, and passive stimuli just when an active life is most needed, early emancipation and a lessening sense for both duty and discipline…”

The Psychology of Adolescence, Granville Stanley Hall
1904

“Parents themselves were often the cause of many difficulties. They frequently failed in their obvious duty to teach self-control and discipline to their own children.”

Problems of Young People, Leeds Mercury
1938

“…in youth clubs were young people who would not take part in boxing, wrestling or similar exercises which did not appeal to them. The ‘tough guy’ of the films made some appeal but when it came to something that led to physical strain or risk they would not take it.”

Young People Who Spend Too Much, Dundee Evening Telegraph
1945

Exactly!

I’m a millennial and apparently my generation is all soft snowflakes because we got too many participation trophies as children. It’s always the same old complaints recycled

Sciurus83 · 30/03/2022 17:36

Claptrap.

XYChromo · 30/03/2022 17:38

@Sleepyblueocean

Disablist comments get deleted.
What about my post was disablist?
BoredZelda · 30/03/2022 17:40

Nonsense.

Simonjt · 30/03/2022 17:40

If you’re way (ignoring the needs of your children) is the right thing, why are they still moaning and whinging all the time?

BoredZelda · 30/03/2022 17:42

My son is medicated for his anxiety. He will also due to disability, face challenges every day of his life that you will never understand.

People just don’t get this. They think that toxic positivity is the right thing and it really isn’t.

Plumbear2 · 30/03/2022 17:43

My son is brave strong and resilient. He also knows he can open up and discuss anything that's bothering him and that he can ask for help with anything. He understands that asking for help is a strength aswell.