AIBu to think kids can't be brave and strong anymore?

[vbnm89]

AIBuU to think that being brave and strong is now frowned upon?? I have noticed this generation of kids having very little resilience. My kids and their friends are always moaning they have something wrong or something hurts or they can't do something. If children fall over now you aren't allowed to say be brave and teaching them to be strong could be bad for their mental health. I only ever keep my kids off school for a temperature or being sick - I tell them to suck it up and get on with it - you can't just miss school every time something hurts.

When I was a teenager I wanted to be strong and tough but now it seems that you can't bring your children up to be strong as you may damage their mental health. Children seem to want to be weak and dependable on others rather than strong and independent. They don't seem to have any get up and go and if anything is a bit tough the mental health card is used to stop them having to do anything they can't or don 't like doing!!

AIBU to think that being brave and strong is now frowned upon?

I think it's about control.

If you can convince someone/kids that they are weak, fragile, or victims, you can control them. They will truly believe that they cannot fend for themselves and that they are reliant upon organisations or the State for their survival. Isn't this a well-known tactic employed by abusers - only on a larger scale?

We are living in dangerous times I would say

I was raised to be brave, ended up very seriously unwell mentally and learnt what resilience actually was in my 20s. Even had to learn what emotions were for because all I knew was to ignore them.

@mustlovegin

AIBU to think that being brave and strong is now frowned upon?

I think it's about control.

If you can convince someone/kids that they are weak, fragile, or victims, you can control them. They will truly believe that they cannot fend for themselves and that they are reliant upon organisations or the State for their survival. Isn't this a well-known tactic employed by abusers - only on a larger scale?

We are living in dangerous times I would say

Ah, so you think it's all a dastardly mind control plan by the government. That's right. They've taken control of all these imaginary parents, and made them think they're not allowed to use the word 'brave' to their imaginary kids, all so that they'll grow up to be completely passive and reliant on the government, rather than becoming business owners, or entrepreneurs, or innovators, any of the other things that are essential to a healthy economy.

FFS.

@mustlovegin

AIBU to think that being brave and strong is now frowned upon?

I think it's about control.

If you can convince someone/kids that they are weak, fragile, or victims, you can control them. They will truly believe that they cannot fend for themselves and that they are reliant upon organisations or the State for their survival. Isn't this a well-known tactic employed by abusers - only on a larger scale?

We are living in dangerous times I would say

But most people can't totally fend for themselves, certainly not in childhood or old age.

Compare the life expectancy in countries that do and don't have some sort of safety net.

So you think it's all a bastardly mind control plan by the government

Not necessarily the current government, but possibly coming from some major power groups, absolutely.

they'll grow up to be completely passive and reliant on the government, rather than becoming business owners, or entrepreneurs, or innovators, any of the other things that are essential to a healthy economy

It's interesting how the number of students going for 'mickey mouse' soft type degrees which will enable them to obtain jobs solely in academia or NGOs has increased so much. These kids are unlikely to become entrepreneurs or innovators, are they?

But most people can't totally fend for themselves, certainly not in childhood or old age

Obviously those who are disabled, the elderly and any of us at any stage of our lives may need support due to several valid reasons. But I don't think that's what the OP is referring to.

“ 'mickey mouse' soft type degrees which will enable them to obtain jobs solely in academia or NGOs”

Which subjects are these?

There has been a few comment about children Nowdays being weak, nit resilient and having anxiety etc…

If we brush aside the association between anxiety and being weak, the level of depression and anxiety in ADULTS have skyrocketed. Does it mean that the generation of adults now are also weak and lack resilience?
Now let’s talk about adults too. There has been two trial in the U.K. about social prescribing for anxiety and depression. Basically putting in place structures so that people aren’t lonely, places where can go and do some gardening, meet up with others, play cards, learn. Each time, what they found is that levels of anxiety and depression was lower but so were the number if visits to A&E, visits to the GP etc etc etc.
What we are saying here isn’t that people are weak, lack resilience and whatnot. What we are seeing is that this is called weakness/anxiety/depression isn’t an illness as such. It’s the sign of a society that is deeply ill and hurting its members. It’s a society issue, nit a person issue.

And of it’s a society issue, why is anyone surprised that teenagers are affected too?

@mustlovegin are people working in academia and NGOs weak and useless?

Which subjects are these?

Non 'mickey mouse' subjects are primarily medicine, science, engineering, law, maths, biology.

This is a real issue, please see just one of the articles on this below

www.standard.co.uk/news/education/universities-degrees-higher-education-grades-funding-student-loans-b984218.html

are people working in academia and NGOs weak and useless?

That's not what I've said

@OfstedOffred

I still tell my kids to be brave. We talk about thinking about whether something is really so bad. Eg if DS cries because his duplo model isnt holding together I will say "ok you are upset but is the sky falling down around you? Is everything completely broken?" Then talk about how its upsetting when things happen but that we can usually fix things.

I do think we tolerate a lot of overreaction from kids now on the basis that we must acknowledge all feelings. It's like we lost the sense of teaching kids perspective.

I think this is a society wide issue.

Adults have decided that feelings are valid no matter what and that actions should be taken to accommodate them in all circumstances, rather than perspective being taken as to whether they are being unreasonable, illogical or just accepting the feelings are not reliable in all cases.

We have spread this down to children and therefore dont teach perspective and allow children to come to terms with what they feel and whether we need to go in the direction of what the feeling implies or whether we dont and therefore we can fix the situation differently.

Adults have a tendency in western society to be emotionally incontinent and pathologise every normal fluctuation of emotion and we have put that on children.

I kind of agree and disagree. My ASD son has all his life had to be brave and strong. Fighting his anxiety everyday to do things that others take for granted. All other members of my family nieces nephews extended family have all had teens and up that have suffered with some form of anxiety and mental health issues. From not being able to cope with exams to not feeling able to catch a bus alone, get a job, hold down any college course and the list goes on. Everytime they cant or dont want to do something its blames on them being stressed or anxious. Sometimes it's like they expect life to be plain sailing and feel no level of anxiety when sometimes that's not abnormal in certain circumstances ie exams. I am not sure what the answer is if its more awareness and acceptance or them just wanting everyone else to be responsible for them being in a good place of mind and for them to have no external stress. My son has had no choice but to deal with anxiety pretty much everyday of his life so far and he has become more resilient due to it.

I think some people like to misrepresent 'caring about our kids feelings' as 'making them weak and unresilient'. I think we're still perfectly 'allowed' to talk about being strong and I think a lot of modern parenting emphasis - rightly - not making a fuss about tiny things so they don't get overly stressed by the slightest bump or scratch.

I couldn't agree more. Sick of all the snowflakes I see, whinging and moaning about the least wee thing. Similarly, if they fall over and start with the histrionics. I brought my two up the same way I was raised - unless the blood's gushing out or there's a bone poking out, you're fine - get up and get on with it. If you build a strong relationship with your kids and allow them to fail sometimes without thinking you always need to run to the rescue, your kids will learn how to cope with life but will also know that if things become unbearable, they can come to you and, together, you'll work it out.

Courage and strength are not the result if being told to ‘man up’ and get on with it. They come with knowing someone’s got your back and will support you through the tough times. That’s what makes you brave.

I went to school with some spectacular whingers. DS’s friends all seem quite cheerful and worldly. Not a snowflake amongst them.

Maybe kids don’t need telling to be brave nowadays because they already are, and it was just mine and your generation who needed to pull our socks up OP?

I don't necessarily think childhood lack of "resilience" translates to adulthood anyway.

I was an unresilient kid, quick to cry when I did something wrong, scared of everything, horrifically socially anxious, bullied horrendously meaning I ended up off school a lot with various illnesses (some stress related and others exaggerated).

However my parents were always empathetic and treated me with love and respect, I was never told to "suck it up". Instead my mum supported me when I was terrified to have an operation, she encouraged but never forced with an eating disorder I had. Somehow without being told to "be brave" or "suck it up" I got through all those things because I had space to explore my feelings. I'm successful in my chosen career (male dominated) where I often have to be in social situations and challenge my superiors.

Funny enough children are all different and what might build resilience in one might not be effective for another. Also if you're not allowed to be dependent when you are a child, when actually is it allowed.

@mustlovegin

Which subjects are these?

Non 'mickey mouse' subjects are primarily medicine, science, engineering, law, maths, biology.

This is a real issue, please see just one of the articles on this below

www.standard.co.uk/news/education/universities-degrees-higher-education-grades-funding-student-loans-b984218.html

are people working in academia and NGOs weak and useless?

That's not what I've said

That article doesn’t fill in the gaps in terms of what you said about degrees that only qualify people for jobs in academia and NGOs - is that all subjects except the ones you list? I am interested to hear more of your opinion on this, with more specific detail.

I work in HE (in one of the subject areas you have deemed acceptable, so no defensiveness on my part about that!) so I’m fully aware of the government’s plans as outlined in that article. It doesn’t actually cover what you said, however.

My one year old got an “I was brave today” sticker after her jabs! I don’t think it’s a big issue (not being encouraged to be “brave”) among the children I know 🤷🏻‍♀️. I have done some helping at cubs and they seem to throw themselves into things well. One child cried after 1.5 hours on bonfire night and his feet were hurting with cold but he perked up.

It’s a good thing that we are more open to issues and feelings. I’ve been very caring and dealt with my son in a very emotional way, he’s that way at home where he can let things out more (when needed) but very “I must not cry or show emotion” at school and with friends and he’s only 9 (not something I’ve taught him, he has just decided that’s important!).

@XYChromo

Seems you need to tow a certain line on this board and that expressing a differing opinion isn’t allowed.

You sound surprised! On every topic MN has an official line and any comment that veers however much from the script is cancelled.

Are they victims? Yes. Victims of the pandemic,of poverty,of abuse,of neglect, of circumstances,of the government that doesn't give a shit about their needs,of many many things.

Add Brexit and you will have a full house in MN bingo!

I am interested to hear more of your opinion on this, with more specific detail

I'm sure there's value in doing a BA in World Philosophies, for instance. Now, if the majority of UK students go for similar studies, I don't think we'll see many more James Dysons emerging (just thinking of innovators and entrepreneurs mentioned by Cabbage upthread)

There are reputable universities with whole departments focused on studying inequality. You have to instil a sense of perceived victimhood and weakness in order to be able to offer degrees, make a career and earn a living out of this topic (I'm not implying inequality shouldn't be addressed, but it's been blown out of proportion in some instances, surely)

I only linked to the article as some are adamant mickey mouse degrees are not 'a thing', when their proliferation and high percentage of students opting for these courses is being acknowledged as a matter of concern by government policy

@JudgeJ

Are they victims? Yes. Victims of the pandemic,of poverty,of abuse,of neglect, of circumstances,of the government that doesn't give a shit about their needs,of many many things.

Add Brexit and you will have a full house in MN bingo!

Aww aren't you cute and snarky?

When a 6 yo is expected to manage her younger brother's significant SEN needs(because neither of the parents can) as suggested by SS , I don't give a shit about ticking boxes. My kids are awesome and more resilient than most of the whingebags on here.

After all they're muddling through and just keep going one way or another ,not crying on their keyboards because no one agrees with them or their comments got deleted.

When you read some of the whinging and wailing over minor issues on here, it’s no wonder that some children struggle with resilience.

@ReadyToMoveIt

When you read some of the whinging and wailing over minor issues on here, it’s no wonder that some children struggle with resilience.

Yes, this is what I was referring to in my post.

One of the most valuable things I ever learned in therapy was that feelings are not always reliable and you dont have to act on them or expect others to take them into consideration in terms of what they do around you/for you

It opened my eyes and it made it a lot easier to recognise feelings for what they are but not necessarily let them direct me.