AIBu to think kids can't be brave and strong anymore?

[vbnm89]

AIBuU to think that being brave and strong is now frowned upon?? I have noticed this generation of kids having very little resilience. My kids and their friends are always moaning they have something wrong or something hurts or they can't do something. If children fall over now you aren't allowed to say be brave and teaching them to be strong could be bad for their mental health. I only ever keep my kids off school for a temperature or being sick - I tell them to suck it up and get on with it - you can't just miss school every time something hurts.

When I was a teenager I wanted to be strong and tough but now it seems that you can't bring your children up to be strong as you may damage their mental health. Children seem to want to be weak and dependable on others rather than strong and independent. They don't seem to have any get up and go and if anything is a bit tough the mental health card is used to stop them having to do anything they can't or don 't like doing!!

Sylv knows what she’s talking about

Posts like the OP’s come up every few weeks on here, they always think they are being brave (!) or edgy or something by saying it but it’s just another banal “kids these days” opinion that has always been around.

On a more serious note, Sylv also reckons that fascism will always adopt a cyclical nature and that we will always see the general public idolising, electing and enabling dangerous figures because we have a kernel inside us which yearns for something which never existed. We all want a golden age of strength and valour and we trust the wrong people to deliver it. Sylv reckons we need to realise faster that all we have is who we actually are and it's time we put some merit in that rather than listening to rhetoric which convinces us of our own failings. The older I get, the more I agree with Sylv.

But it won't ever change. The op will just assume we are all too fragile and woke to see her pure truth and with her arsenal of second hand examples from "a child I know" and their school's unprovable wishy washy attitude, they'll continue to posit themselves as a harbinger of truth and the rest of us as a decaying breed and simply, nothing will ever change.

We all need a Sylv in our lives, I reckon.

I've suggested Sylv run for prime minister. She says she's unqualified in that she "isn't a twatbag".

Op's last comment, 'At least that are a few people who get my point!!' says it all.

It's also quite ironic - despite taking so much pride in her own 'resilience', OP is too fragile to even engage with the many thoughtful and well-articulated posts disagreeing with her. In her eyes, they simply 'don't get it', because she can't cope with the possibility that she might in fact be wrong.

Please could you tell Sylv I love her?

My colleague always teaches students never to marry their hypothesis because one, you'll never learn again, two, you may miss something vital and three, it shows lack of character.

It's comforting I suppose to know absolutely that you're right. Thrilling even to know you're a clever minority. And you don't have to waste time engaging or listening. We all do it of course but I think when you're writing off generations of young people, in one sweeping and malicious assumption, it's probably time to pause.

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

Please could you tell Sylv I love her?

Shell snort and roll her eyes but I reckon she'll be secretly pleased.

OP either has a genuinely misguided, romanticised view of the past, or is attempting a very deliberate political dog-whistle. I think it's the latter.

After all, weren't our children all strong and brave and pure and productive in the past? Before [cultural phenomenon of choice] came along and corrupted them?

I tend to agree when it comes to the workplace. When I was in my 20s, I would have got on with my job and expected to work hard. If you didn’t, you were fired. End of. These days, IME, people take out grievances when they’re asked to do the basics and claim they can’t cope. As a PP said, where’s their grit? Their sense of knuckling down, working hard and achievement? These are 9-5 office-type roles, amazing conditions compared with some, hardly working down a mine. I think my gran would have called them workshy, with mental health used as a pseudo-reason/excuse for this behaviour in a number of cases.

I totally agree with you OP. I really believe that the rise in mental issues is not due to life being harder but people not having been given a chance to grow more resilient.

People complain that mental health services are useless but that's because you can't teach resiliency, you just have to experience it and that can't happen in a culture that encourages avoidance instead.

I'm so glad I raise my kids to be resilient because they appear to be facing the ups and downs of life much more peacefully than many of their mates.

@vivainsomnia

I totally agree with you OP. I really believe that the rise in mental issues is not due to life being harder but people not having been given a chance to grow more resilient.

People complain that mental health services are useless but that's because you can't teach resiliency, you just have to experience it and that can't happen in a culture that encourages avoidance instead.

I'm so glad I raise my kids to be resilient because they appear to be facing the ups and downs of life much more peacefully than many of their mates.

Mental health worker here. We do teach resilience. In fact, we use that word when we do.

We support active self-management and independence in people who have been enormously disadvantaged. These people are braver for having fought on and reached out for help than I'll ever be. They're anything but soft or whiny.

We don't support turning them into good, obedient workers who make other people rich through labour without grumbling, "like our grandparents did". I'm truly sorry for you for having romanticised that concept.

Don't cry, you're OK- bad, you're not acknowledging their feelings. You're making them think how they feel is incorrect or not valid.

I can see you're upset, cross, unhappy.
I understand that this has made you cross, sad, unhappy. - Good, you're acknowledging their feelings, making their opinion valid.

Falling over and bumped knee.
Oh my goodness, are you OK, let me look, lots of cuddles, etc etc
Bad. This makes them think that a bump is a terrible thing and this goes into their subscious and then if they cut themselves et. this must be catastrophic because this is far worse. Then the fear of blood, being ill may develop.

Uh oh. It'll be OK. Give it a rub. Woops. I bet you shocked yourself, i understand why your crying- Good. You're telling them it's going to be fine. It's all OK. Nothing to worry about but acknowledging feelings.

Can you see the differences

I think you have a strange definition of 'brave and strong'. Physically, both DD and DS are brave and strong , they both play rugby where they get knocks and bruises on a regular basis. They both also play a range of other sports at a high level, so obviously they are strong.

Being mentally brave and strong is a completely different thing. At the moment, yes they are resilient, but I hope they would be brave and strong enough to say if they were struggling. That's brave and strong to me -to feel able to say if something is wrong and seek the support they need.

@Cannedlaughter

Don't cry, you're OK- bad, you're not acknowledging their feelings. You're making them think how they feel is incorrect or not valid.

I can see you're upset, cross, unhappy.
I understand that this has made you cross, sad, unhappy. - Good, you're acknowledging their feelings, making their opinion valid.

Falling over and bumped knee.
Oh my goodness, are you OK, let me look, lots of cuddles, etc etc
Bad. This makes them think that a bump is a terrible thing and this goes into their subscious and then if they cut themselves et. this must be catastrophic because this is far worse. Then the fear of blood, being ill may develop.

Uh oh. It'll be OK. Give it a rub. Woops. I bet you shocked yourself, i understand why your crying- Good. You're telling them it's going to be fine. It's all OK. Nothing to worry about but acknowledging feelings.

Can you see the differences

10/10 great post! I ask my kids to identify "did it hurt you or scare you?" If it hurt then we check no plasters are needed and on with our day, if it was scary then we have a hug and do it again 😂

I have never met any of these people who use mental health as an excuse for "not knuckling down"... I think in some cases they live inside PPs' heads, or PPs are just showing a complete lack of empathy.

You are being unreasonable and as someone who struggled with mental health issues all through school, extremely ableist. Not all of us are as oh so brave and resilient as you are, have some empathy

Children have spent the last 2 years being told how resilient they should when they’ve had their school/extended families/friends/hobbies/playgrounds etc taken away from them. They’ve been told not to risk killing their grannies.
YABU OP.

I think we disempower kids to an extent these days- lots of emphasis on struggling and the idea that your mental health is at the mercy of other people and circumstance, rather than something you can take charge of yourself. That it means strategies and support to deal with things that are anxiety-inducing, rather than an excuse not to do those things at all.

I agree with this. We need to children to know that it's ok to feel and it doesn't always need fixing by other people. For instance being nervous about a specific task is a normal response and does not make you an anxious person, nor does it mean you 'have anxiety'. Worry about failing doesn't mean you shouldn't do something or be scared if you fail.

My youngest son received a badge & Certificate for having a blood test when he was 4 years old. Highlighted him being brave. He is now 29. I disagree that things are so different. Regarding Mental Health, children had to suffer in silence years ago.

“ For instance being nervous about a specific task is a normal response and does not make you an anxious person, nor does it mean you 'have anxiety'. Worry about failing doesn't mean you shouldn't do something or be scared if you fail.”

This is exactly what “ strategies and support to deal with things that are anxiety-inducing” that currently exist entail

The issue is parents encouraging an immediate change as soon as the child experience a negative emotion.

Kid is having an issue with another child, they needs to change class. They struggle to adjust to a new secondary school, they start looking at other schools.

Rather than helping them coping with change, being supportive and allowing it time to adjust to the change, however painful it is in that time.

@Fairislefandango

I know very weird. At least that are a few people who get my point!!

Everyone gets your point. They just mostly don't agree with it.

I'm a teacher, and I do see a huge lack of resilience in students. However, it is very difficult to judge when it's genuine and when it's learned or copied behaviour. There are lots and lots of kids who genuinely have very understandable difficulties and traumas. They need to be carefully and gently helped to challenge themselves and develop resilience gradually. But anyone who thinks that some teenagers aren't perfectly capable of feigning or exaggerating anxiety to get out of trouble or avoid doing things is very naïve.

@Fairislefandango

Your comment about "learned or copied behaviour" resonates with me. My niece tells me that most of her friends suffer from social anxiety

If that's true, it's awful for them. But, I can't help thinking more likely the majority of them are just typical, hormonal teenagers who are finding their way in the world and sometimes lack confidence, just like we all did at their age

I'm not sure how helpful this attitude is really. Sure you may NEED more support but realistically you are not going to get it. No one cares. Or no one outside your family and possibly friendship group cares. I do believe in neurodiversity. Adult DS has ADHD. No one cares. No one really cared even at school and they certainly don't care now he is at work. In fact he even has a job that actually forbids him from being on medication. So he either finds ways to shape up at whatever cost to himself or he ships out. He is kind of resilient. I don't really know how. But if he couldn't cope he would be sacked. And that's just how it is for most people. I do think we are leading young people astray if we let them believe that they will be supported. They won't be.

Do you really think every ND person can just "find a way to shape up"? When people say they need support, they mean need. As in cannot manage without it.