AIBu to think kids can't be brave and strong anymore?

[vbnm89]

AIBuU to think that being brave and strong is now frowned upon?? I have noticed this generation of kids having very little resilience. My kids and their friends are always moaning they have something wrong or something hurts or they can't do something. If children fall over now you aren't allowed to say be brave and teaching them to be strong could be bad for their mental health. I only ever keep my kids off school for a temperature or being sick - I tell them to suck it up and get on with it - you can't just miss school every time something hurts.

When I was a teenager I wanted to be strong and tough but now it seems that you can't bring your children up to be strong as you may damage their mental health. Children seem to want to be weak and dependable on others rather than strong and independent. They don't seem to have any get up and go and if anything is a bit tough the mental health card is used to stop them having to do anything they can't or don 't like doing!!

So you discovered that through therapy, which suggests that for whatever reason it wasn’t something you learnt through your upbringing / childhood. The PP suggests that it is something adults are doing on here which to them indicates that current adults (who were children probably at a similar time to the OP) do not demonstrate resilience.

So is this a “kids of today” thing, or just a human thing generally that is probably fairly common throughout generations?

Every generation thinks they were the definitive generation. Every generation also thinks that the next is being raised wrong, totally forgetting who is actually raising them and I think it speaks volumes that - in general - parents don't tend to parent how they themselves were parented. The reasons usually given? Some variation on "I want better than that for my DC" alongside details of what was wrong with their upbringing and what will be better about their DC's upbringing.

Personally I love my DC's generation. I remember when I was in high school and my friend was suspended for being openly gay because Section 28 existed, he was bullied for it too and school basically said he was bringing it on himself. I see the kids at high school now walking around holding hands with boyfriends or girlfriends and literally no one gives a shit. DS has been out since he was 10 and no one in his class is bothered. They care about causes, just like we did, their school recently had a fundraiser for Ukraine at the kids request and they organised and ran it themselves. They write to MPs about stuff. They litter pick in the park off their own initiative. They are so switched on and aware. I certainly don't have any experience of encountering weak, whiny kids who lack resilience.

• Yes, this is what I was referring to in my post.

One of the most valuable things I ever learned in therapy was that feelings are not always reliable and you dont have to act on them or expect others to take them into consideration in terms of what they do around you/for you

It opened my eyes and it made it a lot easier to recognise feelings for what they are but not necessarily let them direct me.*

Here's the thing. You needed help and had the opportunity and ability to seek and receive such help.

Kids don't. It's hard enough for them to realise there is a problem and they are completely reliant on the adults around them to also recognise and accept that and then seek and offer them help.

@RichTeaRichTea

So you discovered that through therapy, which suggests that for whatever reason it wasn’t something you learnt through your upbringing / childhood. The PP suggests that it is something adults are doing on here which to them indicates that current adults (who were children probably at a similar time to the OP) do not demonstrate resilience.

So is this a “kids of today” thing, or just a human thing generally that is probably fairly common throughout generations?

I dont know, I think things go in fashions, my mother is histrionic and doesnt take responsiblity for what she feels, so has to put that on others. What Ive noticed is that there is a trend, moreso in the last 10-20 years of a growing insistence that what you feel, must therefore be the fault of someone or something else and therefore the other person has to change what they're doing/saying

That may be the case some of the time, but I dont believe it to be the case all of the time and there is often a knee jerk insistence that someone must say sorry or do something differently because the other person says 'I felt this'. I dont quite agree with the OP on some counts because I think you have to examine and unpick feelings but that doesnt mean immediately recognising them and acting on them as if they are fact.

I think it will change in decades to come.

My mum is a pre war child by the way

@ldontWanna

* Yes, this is what I was referring to in my post.

One of the most valuable things I ever learned in therapy was that feelings are not always reliable and you dont have to act on them or expect others to take them into consideration in terms of what they do around you/for you

It opened my eyes and it made it a lot easier to recognise feelings for what they are but not necessarily let them direct me.*

Here's the thing. You needed help and had the opportunity and ability to seek and receive such help.

Kids don't. It's hard enough for them to realise there is a problem and they are completely reliant on the adults around them to also recognise and accept that and then seek and offer them help.

Im not sure Ive argued otherwise have I?

I agree with you about feelings generally bellac11, and your mother sounds incredibly difficult to grow up with. When you say fashions do you think there were a lot of people of her generation who behaved similarly?

In my experience you have people who exhibit a range of behaviours in all generations, it might be expressed slightly differently as society changes or due to particular common experiences, but the whole “kids these days have no resilience” thing is also just a variation of the same moaning every generation has always directed at younger people.

@bellac11 that’s an interesting take.
I can’t say that’s what I took/am taking from my work with a psychotherapist.
But rather that my feelings are often the signals for something going on that I need to have a look at.

Does it mean that how I feel is then set in stone and there is no changing them? Of course not. But, for me, it doesn’t mean they are unreliable. Or certainly not that others don’t have to take them into account at all.

But then my up bringing was very different than yours and taught me something different so maybe this is where the difference in opinion is coming from.

@bellac11 totally agree with your message. This new tendency to pathologise every emotional or physical difficulty we face to justify why we can't perform as expected and surge sympathy instead of frustration is especially not helpful.

I have very little doubt that if I cared to, I could seek private assessment and be diagnosed as ADHD. And then what? What difference would it make to my life? Yes, it makes some aspects of life more difficult but by being resident, I've learn to overcome it most of the time. Having a diagnosis wouldn't change anything.

Everyone has aspect of who they are that makes life more difficult than someone who doesn't. Overall, it probably balances out for the vast majority.

Yet, too many younger people hang on to their individual difficulties and use it to justify why they can't achieve x, y or z and let it define them when there is much more to them and what they capable of achieving.

I agree OP, and kids these days are less resilient, I don't know how anyone can deny that.

I agree OP, and kids these days are less resilient, I don't know how anyone can deny that.
Because it is not true.
There has always been stronger DC vs less resilient DC.
It depends on their culture and upbringing too, EE DC are very resilient, DC in fulltime daycare become very resilient, DC on sports teams are resilient and competitive.
DC with strong role models are resilient, DC involved in environmental change and charity work are very resilient.
I think this generation is fabulous.

Forgot to mention the resilience of DC who are more less advantaged, who suffer poverty, they've have to work twice as hard for everything in life, they're the high achievers in my book.

Yet the number of referrals for mental health support for kids suffering from anxiety has never been so high.

@vivainsomnia

Yet the number of referrals for mental health support for kids suffering from anxiety has never been so high.

Which might have something to do with the fact that for the past 2 years they’ve been expected to cope with school closures/being banned from seeing their friends/relatives/uncertainly over exams/having their hobbies taken away/parents being stressed over lost income etc, without being given any tools to deal with it. Resilience isn’t ‘having a load of shit thrown at you and dealing with it without moaning’, resilience is recognising and utilising the tools needed to deal with tough times. So many of those tools, like spending time with friends or doing their hobby, were banned. They had nothing to draw from. And if anyone thinks that children should be able to just deal with tough times without moaning, then to be honest I’m just glad they’re not my parent.

That trend started before covid.

Imo it’s a society issue. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, we’ve created a society that is harsh. Harsh for us so adult MH issues are going up and up. Harsh for children too.

And I don’t think it’s going to be better soon. Not when so many more people will live in poverty and wonder where to find enough money to eat and warm their house. Unfortunately people are still (or is it already?) putting their head in the sand telling posters it’s their fault if they are struggling. I can’t see it changing (but more people will struggle MH wise that’s for sure)

I agree @TheNameOfTheRoses, it did start before covid but has been massively exacerbated.
Society is harsh, and we just expect kids (and adults) to get on with it, and not moan, because moaning means they aren’t resilient.

@TheNameOfTheRoses

That trend started before covid.

Imo it’s a society issue. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, we’ve created a society that is harsh. Harsh for us so adult MH issues are going up and up. Harsh for children too.

And I don’t think it’s going to be better soon. Not when so many more people will live in poverty and wonder where to find enough money to eat and warm their house. Unfortunately people are still (or is it already?) putting their head in the sand telling posters it’s their fault if they are struggling. I can’t see it changing (but more people will struggle MH wise that’s for sure)

Well said.

Yet the number of referrals for mental health support for kids suffering from anxiety has never been so high.
It wasn't available years ago.
There is so many adults suffering with MH problems, anxiety, agoraphobia, morbid obesity, drug addiction, alcoholism.
Maybe if these people had health or a mental health referral as a DC they wouldn't be in the situation they are now.

The number of referrals for adult MH services is huge, they're the DC of yesteryear, when did their resilience end.

I had undiagnosed PMDD it was awful as a teenager leading into anorexia.
That was the 90's the only in care help was on a adult psychiatric unit, it's no wonder people suffered in silence.

The number of referrals for adult MH services is huge, they're the DC of yesteryear, when did their resilience end

Very good point

@vivainsomnia

Yet the number of referrals for mental health support for kids suffering from anxiety has never been so high.

Well what was available in terms of help,support,diagnosis and mental health treatment for children or the population at large 20 years ago,30 years ago, 50 years ago?

It's like saying people can't drive anymore because there are more accidents today than 50 years ago.

@ReadyToMoveIt

The number of referrals for adult MH services is huge, they're the DC of yesteryear, when did their resilience end

Very good point

Not to mention the vicious circle of undiagnosed,struggling,barely functioning people raising kids in abusive,toxic,chaotic homes , them raising their own kids and so on.

My grandma (and her mum) was stressed,overworked,worn out, abusive ,set in her ways and rather selfish. My mother was the same way. I was headed the same way but managed to break the cycle. DD won't ever have to carry years of generational trauma and abuse on her shoulders.

@RichTeaRichTea

I agree with you about feelings generally bellac11, and your mother sounds incredibly difficult to grow up with. When you say fashions do you think there were a lot of people of her generation who behaved similarly?

In my experience you have people who exhibit a range of behaviours in all generations, it might be expressed slightly differently as society changes or due to particular common experiences, but the whole “kids these days have no resilience” thing is also just a variation of the same moaning every generation has always directed at younger people.

Theres a lot of truth in that yes.

When I talk about fashions, I mean that during the 17th/18th centuries for example is when we started to be more introspective and look at the individual needs, but there have been period of time last century and at the end of the Victorian age when it was all 'stiff upper lip' and that may have served people well in extreme situations like during the war and the fashion has now changed again. It will change back again

[quote TheNameOfTheRoses]@bellac11 that’s an interesting take.
I can’t say that’s what I took/am taking from my work with a psychotherapist.
But rather that my feelings are often the signals for something going on that I need to have a look at.

Does it mean that how I feel is then set in stone and there is no changing them? Of course not. But, for me, it doesn’t mean they are unreliable. Or certainly not that others don’t have to take them into account at all.[/quote]
I think by their very nature emotions cant be reliable, unless the evidence and the unpicking of them leads to rational and logical evidence that they are reliable.

I absolutely agree feelings need looking at but not with an automatic assumption they need acting on in the way it 'feels' but equally not to say that they shouldnt be acted on in the way they feel, they need unpicking first with reason.

I don't agree, it's not my experience at all.

Plenty of children play contact sports, Pony Club has record member numbers, there are loads of brilliant, really tough kids out there.

@TheNameOfTheRoses

But then my up bringing was very different than yours and taught me something different so maybe this is where the difference in opinion is coming from.

It was a complete eye opener for me, and unfortunately my mum wont ever really be able to recognise, she will continue to feel that if she feels something, it is therefore 'true', and everyone else needs to go along with it no matter what.

Balance is needed as with all things