AIBu to think kids can't be brave and strong anymore?

[vbnm89]

AIBuU to think that being brave and strong is now frowned upon?? I have noticed this generation of kids having very little resilience. My kids and their friends are always moaning they have something wrong or something hurts or they can't do something. If children fall over now you aren't allowed to say be brave and teaching them to be strong could be bad for their mental health. I only ever keep my kids off school for a temperature or being sick - I tell them to suck it up and get on with it - you can't just miss school every time something hurts.

When I was a teenager I wanted to be strong and tough but now it seems that you can't bring your children up to be strong as you may damage their mental health. Children seem to want to be weak and dependable on others rather than strong and independent. They don't seem to have any get up and go and if anything is a bit tough the mental health card is used to stop them having to do anything they can't or don 't like doing!!

My kids are strong and brave precisely because they have parents who are here for them every step of the way, pushing them to go the extra mile when they can, supporting them when they need help, and always encouraging them to be honest and open about how they feel, what they want, and what they feel they need.

And your rant makes no sense.

@Florenz

I agree with the OP. Some (not all) kids nowadays are not being raised to be resilient and mentally tough and they are finding it hard when expected to take on adult responsibilities, overcoming challenges at work etc.

1.OP said all kids.

2.If they're still kids how do you know how they'll behave as adults?

I see what you're saying, OP. I think we disempower kids to an extent these days- lots of emphasis on struggling and the idea that your mental health is at the mercy of other people and circumstance, rather than something you can take charge of yourself. That it means strategies and support to deal with things that are anxiety-inducing, rather than an excuse not to do those things at all.

*remove the that beginning my final sentence. 'It means...' Rather than 'that it means'.

Op you’re getting a rough ride here…

I agree with you, children now are very weak and don’t have much back bone to them.

They are anxious and stressed about everything!!

Being weak and a victim is now seen to be something to strive for.

This is how I was brought up (70s childhood). There was no room for me to be scared of things like bullies or to grieve when a much loved relative died. No, I was to be brave and strong!

It taught me to ignore my own legitimate needs and it has caught up with me big time now.

I understand your point OP. I, too, feel like many of my children's peers are not very resilient. I've witnessed a marked difference in behaviours between my children and their friends.

For example, most of my youngest son's friends have quit all their clubs. If they say they don't want to go to Scouts, then they don't go. If they are too tired for football training, Mum tells the coach they're not up to it. Their parents have openly explained to me "Oh, I'd never make him do anything he didn't want to!" As a result, we have a football team which is about to fold because half the team can't be relied upon to show up on match day.

My boys make the same complaints - they're typical teenagers and would prefer to be in bed gaming - but I've tried to teach them that, in life, you have to do things you don't always like. You go to the match even though it is raining and cold, because you've made a commitment to that team. You get up early every day to do your paper round because you want your own money to spend. You can cook dinner for the family once a week. And I don't think they're any worse for that approach. They're resilient, confident boys.

They can still tell me when they're struggling. Youngest was in tears last night stuck on his Maths homework. They can, and do, ask for help. We talked about their feelings during the pandemic - I'd read a horror story about teenage suicide - and they were both pretty "Meh, it's not great but we'll get through it".

Yes, many children struggle with mental health, especially in recent years. And I agree that telling them to just be brave and strong is not the right approach. But we do seem to be wrapping our kids in blankets a bit too much for my liking and I question how they'll cope with life's challenges as they grow into adulthood.

@RedSquirrel111

I grew up in the 80's and 90's with parents of the 'just toughen up' model. I remember trying to write a letter to them telling them i was suicidal, as it wasn't something we could talk about. I gave up and cut myself instead. Now in my mid 40's I still have the physical scars. My parents must have seen he state of my arms. Mum washed blood out of my school shirts. But it was never mentioned.

Don't think that's the best model to emulate

Same here, @RedSquirrel111

I was extremely anxious as a child (in the 80s, so no, children being anxious isn't a new thing, to anyone who thinks that). Constantly told to toughen up and get on with things. From my own physical health problems (was very ill as a child, lots of time in hospital, nearly died), to the death of a beloved Aunt. My parents didn't 'believe' in anxiety or mental health problems, it was 'stop crying, stop whining, grow up, be tougher'.

After decades of never sleeping properly, anorexia, self-harm, OCD, physical pain from my illness, and attempting suicide, I'm now a very anxious adult. I've never felt reassured or calm or at peace. My brain is racing all the time, I'm worried and panicked all the time.

That being said, I'm still living my life, I'm coping. I believe that makes me both brave and strong. And I believe that is despite the way I was parented, not because of it.

My kids and their friends are always moaning they have something wrong or something hurts or they can't do something Okay, so if your approach works so well, OP, why aren't your children more resilient?

@Ladywinesalot

Op you’re getting a rough ride here…

I agree with you, children now are very weak and don’t have much back bone to them.

They are anxious and stressed about everything!!

Being weak and a victim is now seen to be something to strive for.

I don't know. My DS and his friends coped a hell of a lot better in lockdown than a lot of adults on here. Not naming any names...

What are you on about OP? You're bringing up your kids exactly how you want and tell th to suck it up when needed and noone stopping you, then you say we're not allowed to do that, and then that we can't call our kids brave anymore. I've 100% never heard that. Where are you getting this from?

@Ladywinesalot

Op you’re getting a rough ride here…

I agree with you, children now are very weak and don’t have much back bone to them.

They are anxious and stressed about everything!!

Being weak and a victim is now seen to be something to strive for.

ODFOD.

I dare you to come and tell my kids they are weak.

Are they victims? Yes. Victims of the pandemic,of poverty,of abuse,of neglect, of circumstances,of the government that doesn't give a shit about their needs,of many many things.

But they still come in , and try to learn ,and work,and play,and smile,and form friendships and bonds, and trust,and care and not to fall apart. And when they do, we dust them off and pick them up ans then they try again. They're fucking trying every single day.

They might be victims but they're not weak.

We were told last week by SS to work with a fucking 6 yo to teach her how to manage her brother's needs ,because she's the only one actually able to. A fucking 6 yo!!!

Weak my arse!

Both of mine are brave and strong

@TheDolphinHotel Yes, I agree. I was "resilient" despite my abusive upbringing until I had a catastrophic breakdown in my early 20s which I'm still not entirely recovered from. I'm sure if you asked my baby boomer parents they'd say I'm not resilient now, but that would be because I bottled everything up until I totally fell apart. Plus "kids are resilient" became the go to line for adults who didn't want to admit the impact lockdowns might have on children.

I still tell my kids to be brave. We talk about thinking about whether something is really so bad. Eg if DS cries because his duplo model isnt holding together I will say "ok you are upset but is the sky falling down around you? Is everything completely broken?" Then talk about how its upsetting when things happen but that we can usually fix things.

I do think we tolerate a lot of overreaction from kids now on the basis that we must acknowledge all feelings. It's like we lost the sense of teaching kids perspective.

But we do seem to be wrapping our kids in blankets a bit too much for my liking and I question how they'll cope with life's challenges as they grow into adulthood.

This. Some of my kids school friends get kept home if they tell mum they are tired/have "tummyache" or some other vague ailment. This was unheard of when I was at school! When I was a child you basically only stayed off for

• vomiting
• chicken pox/measles
• something involving hospitalisation

I think we disempower kids to an extent these days- lots of emphasis on struggling and the idea that your mental health is at the mercy of other people and circumstance, rather than something you can take charge of yourself. That it means strategies and support to deal with things that are anxiety-inducing, rather than an excuse not to do those things at all.

I think this is a really good way to describe it

kids are actually a lot braver and stronger because they can admit when they have a problem

The issue though is that too many think everything is a problem!
It's an inability to distinguish between a little problem you can solve yourself without always needing support, and a bigger problem where you need support. The key being that most NT, able bodied people shouldnt constantly need support with everything down to the most basic things.

The irony of parents on here complaining that children have no resilience. YOU'RE raising them! Are you a grandparent complaining about the same thing? Guess who's raising them? Children that YOU raised!

Just give it a rest and let people live. Try being more resilient, it might not bother you then...

In the last school I worked at, the library at lunchtimes (it was a little school) was like A&E. A kid would only have a bump in the playground and they'd be sat inside with an cold compress.
I recall at primary school regularly being hit with a football if you ran across the playground whilst the boys were playing football! It hurt but it never hurt enough to need to be sat inside with a cold compress.
I do believe kids are being taught to wimper at every opportunity. Of course If a child is genuinely hurt then treat them with sympathy, but half of it is just babyish behaviour that's being overly pandering to.

Nah. My DC have overcome obstacles that I never thought possible.

DC are resilient when faced with pressures, look at the DC suffering all over the world.

Two Ukrainian 13 year olds started in DD's class, they're brave, strong and resilient.

I think DC are able to discuss fears these days unlike olden days, my DM was a sensitive person, the coldness of her
generation had a negative impact on her forever.

If anything I'd say the lucky DC excluding those neglected have a much better chance at a successful life.

Mine are as strong as fuck after loosing their dad to a brain tumour aged 6 and 9. They can also be emotional wrecks. 🤷🏼‍♀️

@OfstedOffred But isn't the problem that while "most NT, able bodied people shouldnt constantly need support with everything down to the most basic things", a lot of the people who say kids lack resilience don't believe in neurodiversity and think autism and ADHD are made up excuses for being "weak". I'm not NT. I have needed more support in my life. In the past nobody would have recognised autism especially in a girl, so I'm not one for hearkening back to the good old days.

[quote pucelleauxblanchesmains]**@OfstedOffred* But isn't the problem that while "most NT, able bodied people shouldnt constantly need support with everything down to the most basic things", a lot of the people who say kids lack resilience don't believe in neurodiversity and think autism and ADHD are made up excuses for being "weak". I'm not NT. I have* needed more support in my life. In the past nobody would have recognised autism especially in a girl, so I'm not one for hearkening back to the good old days.[/quote]
I'm not sure how helpful this attitude is really. Sure you may NEED more support but realistically you are not going to get it. No one cares. Or no one outside your family and possibly friendship group cares. I do believe in neurodiversity. Adult DS has ADHD. No one cares. No one really cared even at school and they certainly don't care now he is at work. In fact he even has a job that actually forbids him from being on medication. So he either finds ways to shape up at whatever cost to himself or he ships out. He is kind of resilient. I don't really know how. But if he couldn't cope he would be sacked. And that's just how it is for most people. I do think we are leading young people astray if we let them believe that they will be supported. They won't be.

There is nothing wrong with teaching kids to be strong and independent, but it is also important to teach them that it is OK not to be OK sometimes, that its alright to cry, that mental health struggles aren't something to be ashamed of, that sometimes it is good to reach out to others and say 'I need help'. There is nothing wrong with needing to lean on someone else sometimes.

I do think that it is important that people can stand on their own two feet, but the approach needs to be balanced. Encouraging kids to be too stoic can be just as bad as letting them be too dependent.

Children seem to want to be weak and dependable on others rather than strong and independent.

Children are dependents though. Also I think it's a sign in of strength to express your negative emotions because that's not easy.