AIBu to think kids can't be brave and strong anymore?

[vbnm89]

AIBuU to think that being brave and strong is now frowned upon?? I have noticed this generation of kids having very little resilience. My kids and their friends are always moaning they have something wrong or something hurts or they can't do something. If children fall over now you aren't allowed to say be brave and teaching them to be strong could be bad for their mental health. I only ever keep my kids off school for a temperature or being sick - I tell them to suck it up and get on with it - you can't just miss school every time something hurts.

When I was a teenager I wanted to be strong and tough but now it seems that you can't bring your children up to be strong as you may damage their mental health. Children seem to want to be weak and dependable on others rather than strong and independent. They don't seem to have any get up and go and if anything is a bit tough the mental health card is used to stop them having to do anything they can't or don 't like doing!!

There is great strength in admitting that you're not feeling ok about something, or not feeling well.

Kids give up to easily and are told giving up or not trying is acceptable.

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

Absolutely brilliant post and collection of quotes! Thank you for that.

@XYChromo

Don't give up with your spelling if it's too hard!

I'm sure you're resilient enough to take that...

@XYChromo

Kids give up to easily and are told giving up or not trying is acceptable.

I really don't think this is true at all. When are children told that not trying is acceptable?

How many times do you have to try to realise something isn't your strength and your time would be better spent elsewhere?

Are you an olympic sports person?
And a world class piano player?
With 2 or more PhDs?

No? Why did you give up then?? Quitter!

I know very weird. At least that are a few people who get my point!!

Everyone gets your point. They just mostly don't agree with it.

I'm a teacher, and I do see a huge lack of resilience in students. However, it is very difficult to judge when it's genuine and when it's learned or copied behaviour. There are lots and lots of kids who genuinely have very understandable difficulties and traumas. They need to be carefully and gently helped to challenge themselves and develop resilience gradually. But anyone who thinks that some teenagers aren't perfectly capable of feigning or exaggerating anxiety to get out of trouble or avoid doing things is very naïve.

I could tell you exactly which sentence in your post got the whole thing deleted, it was abhorrent disablism. If you have an issue with it then maybe message MNHQ rather than derailing the thread over it?

If being strong and braved worked so well for previous generations we wouldn't have so many adults in therapy. All being brave and strong taught me as a child was that my thoughts and feelings didn't matter, because talking or crying was inconvenient for an adult.

AIBU to think that my generation is just as boring ,uninspired and unoriginal like every single one before it to be moaning about the new generations?

Btw, if you have all the answers and you're that strong and brave how come your kids are moaning little weaklings?

You clearly haven't met the four year old was looking after yesterday. I've met loads of kids who've been through more in their short lives than more adults.

@anotherbrewplease thank you struggling to pick out my favourite, although "effeminate, self-admiring, emaciated fribbles" takes some beating.

You sound like the biggest fucking whinger here, OP.

I grew up in the 80's and 90's with parents of the 'just toughen up' model.
I remember trying to write a letter to them telling them i was suicidal, as it wasn't something we could talk about. I gave up and cut myself instead. Now in my mid 40's I still have the physical scars.
My parents must have seen he state of my arms. Mum washed blood out of my school shirts. But it was never mentioned.

Don't think that's the best model to emulate

Some kids maybe in terms of falling over say , my nephew would cry if he brushed past something but that was his parents junping up all the time
If mine fall i tended to say oh dear up you get and distract unless very injured
But mine are teenagers now and I think with covid and stuff they and all kids I know have shown such great resilience in a time where they should be having fun
But again when I hear people saying you can't tell a child no or they are being naughty etc then it swings the other way

I think there's a balance to be struck here surely? So much depends on the individual child. One can sail through something another finds terrifying. I've an older teen and a young adult, and I think as a parent, rather then focusing on bravery and resilience per se, a useful thing to focus on is effort and consistently trying to do the best you can whatever the circumstances. So facing your fears and trying to do one small thing to counteract them, then taking another step, and another, in other words keeping going, not giving up.

How do you define brave OP - because it seems like you define it as 'pretending you're fine when you're not' which surely is at the root of a lot of mental health issues.

I'm in my 30s and I remember kids at school who cried at every disappointment, as well as kids who got on with very tough situations. I haven't seen a marked difference in my children's generation.

I think we're gradually moving away from the "toughen up" brand of parenting because we've seen first hand the unintended but heavy consequences in terms of mental health.

I've also seen a lot of discussion about the cultivation of resilience in children - look up growth mindset - so I would disagree that parents have decided that it's unimportant.

What you seem to think of as brave is the old stiff upper lip, don't let anyone see how you feel kind of attitude. I think it's braver to say "I feel scared but I'm going to do it anyway."

The vast majority of children and young people have been very brave and resilient the past two years.

My teenager is the strongest person let alone child I know. She has been allowed to show her strength and her school have been blown away by her. She does cry but my god she has a strength to brush herself off and stand up straight again quicker than anybody I know. Nobody has tried to tell her or to imply she shouldn't be trying to keep on going.

For context her dad spent many years ill, transplant failed then another amount of years ill before he sadly took his own life.
My 14 year old has shown strength everyday. Schooling has not been faltered and she is still achieving. She learned to laugh again quickly and to speak of her dad, she learned to live without her dad and nobody tried to keep her down.
However, she has been offered a million channels of support as teachers are more aware of mental health and I think they have more resources in school.
Children have been taught it is ok to not be ok, maybe if her dad had grown up knowing that and had support throughout his life, he would still be here.

In the context of children falling over and hurting themselves, is being brave the right thing to say? Shouldn't they be encouraged to articulate where they have hurt and how bad?

Well it depends on your definition of strong doesn't it? I've taught my 11yo ds that strong men show their feelings.

I strongly disagree. It's probably true that there are fewer opportunities for moderate physical risk-taking than in previous generations, and this could lead either to recklessness or excessive timidity, depending on an individual's personality. But the idea that allowing children to express their fears or pain will make them cowardly or lacking in 'resilience' is very dangerous and could be a 'bulllies' charter'. And the idea that children use the 'mental health card' is extremely cruel and dangerous. Nor is poor mental health something that applies to Nowadays versus the Good Old Days. Of my own classmates, at least one took their own life; another developed a serious eating disorder that ended up shortening their life; another became a seriously disturbed adult who is now in prison for a serious crime. And they are just the ones I know about. Maybe they'd have done better if their issues had been recognized earlier.

@XYChromo

Seems you need to tow a certain line on this board and that expressing a differing opinion isn’t allowed.

IMO you are showing precisely the same lack of resilience that you are apparently complaining about. Basically, 'It's not fair! Everyone else is picking on me!'

I have a severe lifelong mental health issue and I think living with that makes me braver, stronger and more resilient than most. Strange that you seem to equate mental health awareness with weakness.

Acknowledging their feelings helps them become brave and strong though...

My five-year-old DD picks herself up and carries on after falling over, is fearless when it comes to challenging herself physically (climbing trees, rocks etc), and is learning to calm herself if she gets upset, etc but she does still get upset and gets all the necessary cuddles and soothing words.

I agree with the OP. Some (not all) kids nowadays are not being raised to be resilient and mentally tough and they are finding it hard when expected to take on adult responsibilities, overcoming challenges at work etc.