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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 30/03/2022 15:59

so he not only spends all the family savings

but you will have 100% childcare for 2 weeks or so

And also probably have to use up more holiday for school holidays as he won't have any spare.

Where are his suggestions of

  1. ways to save money/get extra income
  2. how to ensure you too have some time off to relax with your friends/family without the kids?

seems very one way right now.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 16:00

@OtherShopsAvailable

This is crazy, of course it's madness. Pre kids knock yourself out, post kids you both have a responsibility to them. Take out stag-do, it's 'can I go on a ten day holiday with mates' the ones I always hang out with. If it's a success, it will be surfing in Morocco in summer 2023 and skiing in 2024, there will always be another dream holiday.

In a pandemic world with economic uncertainty you need savings, not new ski boots. Sorry, but on what you have said you don't have the disposable income. And the costings seem vague and not actually fully inclusive bombproof.

Your surgery costs are irrelevant, presumably you didn't make the decision lightly, I've just been almost sorted (post op care cancelled due to covid) on the NHS after three years for something life limiting, day surgery to cure. I'm just piecing together what a toll it's taken on me and the family. 30 months of unnecessary suffering.

@OtherShopsAvailable

Oh here we go… once you have kids you have to sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. No! He should go on the hol, it actually sounds a bit of a bargain. If you work hard, you deserve treats - life is not all about drudge to build up your savings and security, it’s about living

Noname1999 · 30/03/2022 16:00

That's a lot of money to spend when you have kids and not much to spare each month. He needs to earn extra money to go. Otherwise he's spending money that benefits him and no one else.

LakieLady · 30/03/2022 16:00

It sounds like such a fantastic trip that I'd do everything in my power to enable it, tbh.

Can you go through all your outgoings and see if there's anything at all you can cut back on? Hobbies, subscriptions, that sort of thing? Especially if they're things that are primarily "his" iyswim, eg a sports package so he can follow his sport.

Paying with a 0% card is a great idea, he can chip away at the debt as and when. But I also think he should try and do some overtime to cover part of the spend.

But I couldn't stand in the way of someone I loved going on such a fantastic trip.

Vapeyvapevape · 30/03/2022 16:00

Whatever happened to a weekend away at a seaside town for stag/hen do's ?

BoredZelda · 30/03/2022 16:01

What would you have done if you didn’t have the 6k for the surgery?

Continentalmama · 30/03/2022 16:01

This thread is bizarre, flitting between 'don't you have £££ each month to spend on yourself' as if most people have a spare £500/month to 'treat yourself' and those saying they wouldn't have a problem going into debt for a holiday. Personally I would feel extremely uncomfortable with having no financial back ups, we seem to have an unexpected expenditure almost monthly right now along with the noticeable rise in cost of living. That being said if he can raise the money himself or you can jointly through selling things, a second job etc then i would be thrilled for my husband to have his dream holiday. Just not at the expense of sleepless nights wondering if you can cover the car MOT or the washing machine breaking down.

Tortabella · 30/03/2022 16:02

In our relationship a holiday like that for one person is 'banked' and the other person is owed one. We're not particularly strict about it but it evens out eventually and we both get a bit of freedom. I couldn't say no to that personally, surely he could make the money somehow between now and then and leave your savings untouched?

Geezabreak82 · 30/03/2022 16:03

It's not just a stag do is it? This is a group of friends using the marriage of one of the group as an excuse to have the holiday of a lifetime. Something they've always wanted to do together. It's unfortunate timing for your husband because you don't have much savings and your disposable income is tight, but it was unfair of him to bring your surgery into it. £1100 for a ten day long haul holiday does sound like a bit of a bargain though.

I think you should encourage your husband to go but only if he can raise the money without dipping into your savings further. £2000 is really small amount to have as an emergency fund - it could be wiped out by a one-off cost like a new boiler for example, never mind a period of unemployment. An emergency savings cushion should be about 3-6 months of outgoings. If your husband can generate extra income or cut back enough to afford the holiday (and I recognise it's a big IF in the current climate) I'd recommend you keep on saving after he gets back first to boost your emergency pot, but then keep on going with some longer term savings.

BuffyFanForever · 30/03/2022 16:03

I was going to ask how much your surgery was but I can see you said it was £6000 that is literally 3 times the amount he wants to spend from your joint savings so doesn’t seem very fair for you to disagree when presumably it’s money you both saved equally? Obviously you spent that money as you felt it was needed but you can see his point of view on this too considering it’s so much less money

Continentalmama · 30/03/2022 16:03

And actually I think it is disgusting people saying you shouldn't have spent the money on surgery to relieve agonising pain. You shouldn't have had to spend that money for sure but unfortunately you had no choice.

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 16:03

@LazyJayne

“ And an understanding that half the country don’t even have a £900 buffer wouldn’t go amiss.”

Oh come off it ffs. Is this thread in poor taste because I’m worried about having less than a grand in the emergency fund? I mean, there are starving kids in Africa aren’t there!

If the boiler and the car go, then I’ll get my just desserts for sure!

OP posts:
maddy68 · 30/03/2022 16:04

Yabu I think.

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 16:04

The reality of my condition is that the pain will come back in a couple of years anyway, and I won’t be able to afford private surgery to get rid of it next time.

All the more reason to let him go IMO.
You've spent £6000 on your surgery - and I completely, 100% understand why you did - but in a couple of years you'll need it again but are denying him a trip of a lifetime with his childhood best friends.

You said you had £50 to save this month. Where's that £50 now? Because it doesn't sound like it's in the savings pot.

£50 a month until December is almost half the cost of the trip.

Benjispruce5 · 30/03/2022 16:05

I don’t think joint accounts money should be spent on individual leisure pursuits. Your health is different. He should save his own money for his own jolly or put it on a 0% credit card and pay it back slowly. YANBU

DazzlingDarrenDring · 30/03/2022 16:05

I think you are severely underestimating how much this cost as well to be honest, I reckon £2k will be more like it.

Even so, I wouldn't stop DH doing this...and just think, when you're back on your feet financially it will be your turn.

If I was your DH I would be honest with my friends, and say I would be struggling to pay for it. Perhaps one could sort a semi official loan out for him, maybe pay for him and have your DH pay back in instalments?

It's the age old problem with stag /hen do's....sometimes people earn vastly different amounts of money and this can cause obvious issues.

limitedperiodonly · 30/03/2022 16:05

the OP could take in some ironing.

@bumblefeline that's a good idea. If she planned it well she could pick it up and drop it off on the paper round.

ToiletPoster · 30/03/2022 16:06

I don't think you're unreasonable to have financial worries, but I think you should let him go if it's a genuine dream.

Things like this are time limited. People get older, less physically durable. His friends will have families of their own, making such trips unfeasible.

Rebuilding your savings is a separate issue. In the grand scheme of things, £2000 will not go much further to cover a genuine financial emergency than £900.
You need regular increases in income or reduction in expenses.

aloris · 30/03/2022 16:06

It sounds like a very cool once-in-a-lifetime trip, although I think Canada's going to be very cold in October. It would be a pity for him to miss it. However, I think it's a problem that he sees his entertainment as equivalent to your medical problem. So does this mean that you never get to have vacations because your half of the entertainment budget has to go on your health? And he gets to use his for fun? Something seems wrong there.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 16:06

@Noname1999

That's a lot of money to spend when you have kids and not much to spare each month. He needs to earn extra money to go. Otherwise he's spending money that benefits him and no one else.
@Noname1999

Not every penny of what you earn has to be for the benefit of others. If I was working really hard and couldn’t spend anything on myself I’d think what was the point

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 16:07

My own mum was on benefits as she was a carer for my sibling. I know what poverty is.

I spent my savings on surgery because I was in agony.

But yes, I’m a privileged princess and poor old DH.

OP posts:
Severntrent · 30/03/2022 16:10

Yabu. I think he should go but try to save up as much as he can beforehand to cover as much as poss himself. Is there something he could cut back on or sell?

MaudieandMe · 30/03/2022 16:10

YANBU.

Unless you’re absolutely loaded, no-one I know would even go abroad for a hen or stag do, let alone a trip costing such a ridiculous amount.

He’s trying to keep up with his wealthier friends but where will it all end?

TooManyPJs · 30/03/2022 16:10

Of course he should go. It's his dream holiday and a once in a lifetime opportunity to speak quality time with dear friends.

I'd think differently if this was for a weekend piss up in Magaluf. But this is his dream holiday.

You've also time to save up more towards it in the meantime.

There's plenty of time ahead for family holidays.

YABU.

AlphaJura · 30/03/2022 16:10

I don't think you are being unreasonable with the current situation regarding rising costs and energy bills. I know they are a tight knit group of friends but it's a big ask to expect someone to fork out that amount of money (I do get it that they are all in good jobs). Not really fair to say you spent half when yours was for a medical need, not having a good time!
I've not been on a hen do (to Scotland) of a close friend, this was years ago because I had an unexpected fine or emergency (can't remember what) and I just couldn't afford it. I had to say, sorry but I can't.
Before the pandemic, my dh went on a stag do to Poland (he was the best man). I thought that was expensive enough, but the groom shopped about for cheap accommodation and because my dh could only afford part of it, he paid the rest for him. Some people had to decline because they couldn't afford it.
I do feel a bit Hmmabout all these expensive stag and hen do's.. but I may be a bit bitter because my hen night happened when covid restrictions were still in place, not total lockdown, but restrictions on numbers in restaurants etc. I had to have a get together at home and a takeaway, and dp was there!! 🤣🤣, he did keep out of the way. That was the only option I had. Luckily the wedding was better!