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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 30/03/2022 16:11

You’re making it more obvious with every post that this isn’t about the money @coldlistened. There have been lots of suggestions for paying for it without touching your savings which you’ve completely ignored.

MajorCarolDanvers · 30/03/2022 16:11

Life's too short to miss out on a dream holiday.

Strike a compromise and get him to scrimp and save up over the next 6 months to put money towards it.

NorthSouthcatlady · 30/03/2022 16:12

If he wants to go, then he saves the money. He better get looking for a 2nd job. Mentioning your surgery was a low blow by him, it’s not your fault the NHS is fucked

I’m tickled by the suggestions of the OP “taking in ironing”. She isn’t going on the holiday so why should she knacker herself out?

NorthSouthcatlady · 30/03/2022 16:12

PS l have been to Whistler and it’s not cheap. He better factor in spending money

Momijin · 30/03/2022 16:12

I would tell him that he must forgoe most treats this year in order to save up. That's about £40 a week I think. So no coffees out , not buying himself games or books etc and then he can afford it without dipping into your savings? That's fair?

SweetPetrichor · 30/03/2022 16:14

YABU. You spent £6k of joint savings on surgery…I think it’s pretty financially controlling to say he can’t spent less than a fifth of that on what will be a special occasion for him.

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 16:14

@Blossomtoes

I’ve literally replied to the posts about a part-time job for DH saying that would be a good idea and I’d support him.

Not sure how practical it’d be though. He already works a really physical full-time job and he’d be exhausted. But if he were to take one up to fund this I’d be supportive and proud

OP posts:
dollydimple123 · 30/03/2022 16:14

Let him go, it sounds like a great experience for him and would be a shame if he's the only one not going. Cut back elsewhere, less shopping, meal plan, walk more (less fuel) etc.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 30/03/2022 16:14

It sounds an amazing trip.
But unaffordable at this time. Its no good saying you just spent £££ on X... you can't undo that. Plus it wasn't like OP had cosmetic surgery... she was in severe pain.

Its not fair to spend the vast majority of a families savings on one member, especially with young children. (Plus the time element of using g AL and childcare defaulting to other parent)

yellowsuninthesky · 30/03/2022 16:15

I'm on the fence here. I can totally understand why you are nervous about losing the cash savings bugger. I am quite careful with money and have always prioritised savings.

But on the other hand, this is a once in a lifetime trip and you never know what the future might hold with illness/accidents etc.

However, on that argument, you could also say that as you are currently pain-free, and that is temporary, you should spend on the money on a trip together while you are pain-free.

Is there any way he could get a loan from a friend or family member and pay them back? Are there any areas you could cut back temporarily eg a Sky Sports subscription?

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 16:15

@Blossomtoes

Look on page 3. That is an unfair comment

OP posts:
DahliaMacNamara · 30/03/2022 16:15

I'm aghast at most of the replies here. Sure, the trip of a lifetime with friends would be fabulous. Wouldn't we all love that? I definitely would. But my level of savings is comparable to OP's, and I wouldn't be able to do anything other than dismiss such a notion out of hand. My friends are richer than me too, and I know there would be further spending involved day to day. There's no way this is going to 'only' cost £1100.
If her DH can come up with a plan that doesn't involve the rest of the family going without, then fine. But I doubt that will happen.

OtherShopsAvailable · 30/03/2022 16:16

What about the kids dream holiday?
Or that dream dress?
Or that perfect car for going to track days straight after the school run?

There is always something. Surfing is big locally, as is skiing. Men, and it's always men, are off year after year on once in a lifetime holidays with mates. Some years, some people can't go. There is always another dream holiday.
And you can fuck off if you think a crappy spa day compensates for all the child care and organisation it takes to make that paper round and ironing job happen.

yellowsuninthesky · 30/03/2022 16:16

bugger = buffer! Blush

Nokiding · 30/03/2022 16:16

I think YABU sorry.

His plans sound amazing, and they seem like a good bunch of friends to have.

Theluggage15 · 30/03/2022 16:17

You’d be proud of him if he exhausted himself with another job? You’d pat him on the head and say good boy, you deserve your treat now? You sound nice.

yellowsuninthesky · 30/03/2022 16:17

Men, and it's always men, are off year after year on once in a lifetime holidays with mates

to be fair I know plenty of women who seem to be away with other female friends on a regular basis

MichelleScarn · 30/03/2022 16:17

Another for the he should go, it sounds amazing!

NeedleNoodle3 · 30/03/2022 16:18

I wouldn’t want my DH to go because of the amount of annual leave it would take. For me that’s the type of holiday you do before you get married and have a family.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 30/03/2022 16:18

There is no comparison to the surgery: that is completely unreasonable.

If he can raise the money elsewhere - take on extra shifts / second job / save his personal spends etc then OK.

I agree with this. Much as it would be good if this could happen to build up the emergency buffer to insulate ahead of more cost of living shocks, if he is committed to earning the money to cover his costs then that is acceptable. But, leaving you both with £900 ahead of energy bills and other costs? That would keep me up at night.

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 16:18

@Theluggage15

Jesus fucking christ, I can only assume you have some agenda here. Get a grip

OP posts:
N4ish · 30/03/2022 16:18

This is why people should always try to keep some personal savings. I would be hugely resentful if my partner stopped me going on a trip like this.

Blossom64265 · 30/03/2022 16:18

Just because the people at the credit card company are offering you something doesn’t mean you should take it. Are people really this financially naive? I guess I know the answer. It’s just frustrating to see women, not the OP, digging themselves into debt. The implications are so far reaching.

Hariboqueen1 · 30/03/2022 16:18

If it was my husband and its his dream I absolutely would let him go.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/03/2022 16:19

Adding another YABU, sorry OP.