To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

Surgery vs Stag Do is like chalk vs cheese. No comparison.

You need to explain that while you'd love him to go, the family finances can't afford it. Your DH needs to own the issue and come up with some suggestions to fund it. Part-time job, overtime, 0% credit card have all been mentioned by previous posters. He could even swallow his pride and discuss with the other 3 friends - if they're "loaded" and value his company they might well offer some extra cash.

Such excellent budgeting tips on this thread. Has anyone suggested a paper round yet?

Of course he should go. He should make savings/cut backs between now and then.

I would be disappointed at having only £900 left in savings but there’s more to life than money. It’s his dream holiday, will he get the chance to go another time?
I’d have to say yes.

I would let him go but see if you can raise the funds elsewhere. £1100 doesn’t sound like a lot of money for the holiday of a lifetime.

@limitedperiodonly

Such excellent budgeting tips on this thread. Has anyone suggested a paper round yet?

Hahaha this made me chuckle

Could he take a 0% credit card and pay it off gradually?

People need to stop commenting on the endometriosis surgery when they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.

2 years ago I'd have sided with you on this one.

But last year, very unexpectedly I became sick. I'm now disabled. Life can change in the blink of an eye. The things I'd wished I'd done won't happen now and in bad days I cherish memories of the things I did get to do.

It's a once in a lifetime trip....let him go x

(Don't agree about him comparing it with your surgery monies though)

[quote coldlistened]@BarbaraofSeville

The stag is loaded but I’m not convinced the others won’t ending paying for stuff. Not because the stag will make them, but them insisting on buying rounds etc as typically happens on nights out. There’s a town nearby with restaurants etc so I imagine they’ll be going out and spending.

Not sure on flights tbh. He’s only had a quick look, he hasn’t gotten as far as adding baggage etc. I imagine they will rent bikes though.[/quote]
I flew London to Calgary (access point to the Rockies) in October for £240 return so it's entirely possible to get flights for £600 or under depending where he's flying from in the UK.

I'd also "let" him go. How often did you dip into savings before the surgery? Yes it would be more anxious having only £900 in savings but you have time to add to that even if it's only £50 a month. If you're living pay packet to pay packet already then you have issues that need to be addressed irrespective of this trip.

I would be encouraging him to think of some ways to make money or cut back, but I definitely wouldn't put my foot down or stop him going. Think I would actually encourage him to go.

You are equating security to money in the bank.
I wonder if you can look at it another way? Maybe your security lies in your husband, who is coming across as loyal, supportive and hardworking

This is a really good point

YABU I would encourage him to go.

I think he is unreasonable to want you use your savings. I absolutely wouldn’t agree to the last two thousand being used on a Lads trip. What if you need that later? However, if he can pay himself out of his own separate money I would wave him off with a smile and enjoy the peace!!!

Just wanted to send you a big hug and I hope the surgery has helped with your pain. I think it's difficult for people who haven't experienced it, or have only had it mildly, to comprehend how painful endometriosis can be in some cases.

What did you decide op

@Ilkleymoor

It wasn’t just about getting rid of the pain temporarily. I needed the surgery even just for the diagnosis. I knew I had it but without the surgery I didn’t even have an official diagnosis to get NHS referrals.

I do have the diagnosis now of severe endometriosis. Though the NHS still don’t appear to give a shit. That’s a whole other thread though.

He wants to go on the trip of a lifetime with close childhood friends for 10 days. I'd want do the same tbh once in my life.

Can he put it on a zero interest credit card so that you still have an emergency buffer, then drip a set amount in so its clear before the interest starts?

Let him go.

Life is short. We’ve had no safety buffer before and I get how awful that is, even then though, I’d have supported DH going on such an amazing trip.

This is crazy, of course it's madness.
Pre kids knock yourself out, post kids you both have a responsibility to them.
Take out stag-do, it's 'can I go on a ten day holiday with mates' the ones I always hang out with. If it's a success, it will be surfing in Morocco in summer 2023 and skiing in 2024, there will always be another dream holiday.

In a pandemic world with economic uncertainty you need savings, not new ski boots. Sorry, but on what you have said you don't have the disposable income. And the costings seem vague and not actually fully inclusive bombproof.

Your surgery costs are irrelevant, presumably you didn't make the decision lightly, I've just been almost sorted (post op care cancelled due to covid) on the NHS after three years for something life limiting, day surgery to cure. I'm just piecing together what a toll it's taken on me and the family. 30 months of unnecessary suffering.

If he needs to use joint savings = no

If he can save up and use his own disposable income = yes.

If it has truly been his dream holiday - and it's with his best friends - I would probably do all I could to enable him to go, but I wouldn't leave yourselves financially insecure. Bills are due to rise majorly and you need a buffer.

You say you’re ‘terrified of the children suffering’ if he takes £1100 off the £2000 and the boiler breaks down.

Sounds like you need boiler insurance. And a less unusual boiler - most cost nowhere near £900 to fix unless they literally blow up. And an understanding that half the country don’t even have a £900 buffer wouldn’t go amiss.

Your ‘Think of the children!’ approach has got my hackles up. You’re guilt tripping.

@limitedperiodonly

Such excellent budgeting tips on this thread. Has anyone suggested a paper round yet?

Or OP could take in some ironing?

Don't 0% credit cards have a limited period at that rate? OP says the savings were built up pre-kids and pre-mortgage so even paying off the credit card might be difficult. Many people do live pay packet to pay packet. Very few people have more than a month's salary in savings. If that was all I had I wouldn't be spending it all on a once in a lifetime holiday. Fine if you were single and had no responsibilities, and you had to suffer the consequences if you had no money, but not when you have a family and a mortgage.

Are these posters saying sod it, spend it, expecting the Government to bail them out if they end up with no money?