To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

@CatsArePeople so what happens if they suddenly need money?

What about a 0% credit card? Leaves your savings intact and the monthly repayments should be reasonably low. Is it ideal? No, but life is short, after all.

@BaconMassive

You haven’t got a clue about my circumstances, not a fucking clue.

I grew up with a skint mum and practically helped raised my autistic sibling. I worked full-time from 16.

Me and DH saved every penny when we were able to. But it got to a point I was in so much fucking agony I could barely take care of my kids, that’s why we spent the money on the surgery.

Who the fuck do you think you are to make that comment

Using the surgery against you is not cool...so not cool. When me an Other half moved in together we set up a joint accoun for bills, a joint account for savings and kept our personal accounts where we can save our own excess after the agreed amounts to each joint account for household bills and joint savings is deposited. I think you need to sit down and discuss how you save going forward and what is joint money and what is individual.

No matter what, I never spend on luxuries if I don't have 3months pay in savings. Especially now with price of living. Sit down with DH and look at your finances. If he goes can you save up by making cuts elsewhere? Is he willing to quit drinking and eat slow cooker stews for a month to build up savings?

Finally...is it really a one in a lifetime trip? You said he is part of a group of 4. If they do this trip will this mean others will have similar trips when they get married? Or will they try to outdo each other? I know when my group started hen partys it became a game of one upmanship so you really do have to ask if this is genuinely a once in a lifetime trip?

If his trip could be paid off in installments before or as a loan, if it really is once in a lifetime and he really is willing to discuss and live the steps needed to rebuild savings I would consider going ahead with it. But it's dependent on all those issues.

Finally...wood cabin, hunting fishing etc. Has he researched eastern Europe, the same types of trips at a fraction of the cost are a available. Why Canada specifically?

@soootiredddd

Also please don’t listen to people who are just saying “get a loan” or “put it on a credit card”. You need to pay those back you know! How is the OP meant to do this?

She’s not. If he put it on a 0% purchase credit card for 32 months, he could pay it off at less than £50 a month. These things are there to be used.

@BaconMassive

You’ll also be fucking delighted to know that when my endometriosis undoubtedly grows back and I’m left in agony again I will just have to suffer because I can’t afford the surgery again

Ignore them, someone always comes along with that twatty humblebrag bollocks whenever anyone has a problem when they've more than 50p in the bank. It comes from bitterness and jealousy. Pay it no attention.

I'd be doing everything in my power to enable DH to do this as I know he would for me and we have both done in the past 30 years of our relationship.

YABU and seem a bit jealous tbh.

@Blossomtoes but the OPs DH hasn’t said anything about making a plan to pay it off. He just wants to spend the money as far as I can see. It might be different if there was a clear plan in place.

He should go. He needs to find a way to make that happen whether that’s selling stuff or finding a part time job.

I also can’t believe you spent 6k on an operation that won’t fix it and you’ll be in pain again in a couple of years?! Wouldn’t it have been better to wait on the nhs help as now you’ll need to start again?

Boiler breaking - you can get service plan pay monthly type deals that cover repairs. Has he got anything to eBay to pay part? Any ways of earning extra income - overtime etc.

My DH went to Sydney for his best man’s wedding (best man lives there) which cost a lot when we had little but it didn’t worry me - it was a one-off and there’s no way I would have said he couldn’t go. I doubt we had £2k in savings then with DS in nursery.

@CatsArePeople

Absolutely YANBU. We are facing a huge cost of living crisis and if either or both of you lose your job £900 is not going to go very far.

Inflation is coming, that money sitting in a bank will just lose value. Makes sense to spend it.

What was I thinking? With inflation that £900 wouldn't even make a decent bonfire, Let your husband spend it with his mates while you and the kids stay at home OP.

[quote soootiredddd]@Blossomtoes but the OPs DH hasn’t said anything about making a plan to pay it off. He just wants to spend the money as far as I can see. It might be different if there was a clear plan in place.[/quote]
I’ve just suggested a clear plan. 🤷‍♀️

Suggest he gets a weekend job in hospitality sets that money aside for the holiday I had a full time job and did this at weekend to top income. It's not too bad because it was different with little responsibility.

Your finances sound similar to ours. I think that he should go. It sounds amazing and like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Agree that it's not ideal but if you could get something like a 0% credit card, then it's an amount that isn't insurmountable and by the sound of it likely could be paid back.

I think you have been through some traumatic times, both as a child and an adult, and they are understandably making you crave security.
You are equating security to money in the bank.
I wonder if you can look at it another way? Maybe your security lies in your husband, who is coming across as loyal, supportive and hardworking.
If I were in your shoes (and please believe me, I have been) then I would be bending over backwards to make this happen for such a lovely man.

@Dixiechickonhols

Boiler breaking - you can get service plan pay monthly type deals that cover repairs. Has he got anything to eBay to pay part? Any ways of earning extra income - overtime etc.

Boiler insurance is an excellent suggestion

Why can't he save up for it? Why does it need to come out of savings?

Sorry but yabu, it’s a once in a lifetime trip, if he wants to go, he should go. It’s his money too.
You should want the person you love and care about to do something that is important to him.
I may be wrong but i suspect it’s not really about the money but only you will know that

He should definitely go, it's a once in a lifetime thing and life is short. Even if it's on a 0% credit card and he has to do overtime to pay it off, he should go.

Everyone keeps saying it is a once in a lifetime trip, but if there are four of them, what are the chances that he has two more of these at some point to pay for? If they want to call it a friends trip, what are the chances that his wealthier friends want to ride bikes in Majorca in three years then go to Vietnam or somewhere in five or ten. You need to sit down and discuss the expectation that if he goes now, will he want to go on long, expensive future trips with them? I would be willing to work hard and let him go if it really is a one-off, but if the groom is loaded, he may not get off with just one of these style of trips.

if the friends are really close surely they wouldn’t expect him to buy rounds, understand he’s on a tight budget?

I have only 3 true friends , over decades. I’d move heaven and earth to have a trip with them. They’d do the same including helping me out.

YANBU if you’ve discussed it and the ‘only’ solution is him using up the money, not replacing it.

YABU if you’ve just said no, and not tried to find a solution.
Btw it was very shitty of him to compare your surgery to it, but you also seem a bit jealous in not allowing him a solo holiday instead of ‘holiday with the DC’.

@limitedperiodonly

Absolutely YANBU. We are facing a huge cost of living crisis and if either or both of you lose your job £900 is not going to go very far.

You spent money for surgery on a serious and debilitating medical condition for which there is a long NHS wait. This is his "dream" holiday. Sorry mate, we all have dreams. Wales is nice for fishing, hiking and mountain climbing.

@limitedperiodonly

Urgh you sound fun. As it Wales compares to Canada! Have a word with your self!

I would not stop him because dream holiday and unlikely to have opportunity again.

I would also be nervous about low savings and would do all I could to top that up as much as possible each month to reduce my concern/increase safety net. I would want partner to be on board with cutting back on other stuff to minimise the impact on saving.