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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/03/2022 23:02

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Mickarooni
£1000 isn’t gonna make that much difference though - it’s not gonna act as much of a buffer anyway.
He should absolutely go. Especially if he’s willing to work overtime or whatever. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice everything when you have kids like some people on here are saying.[/quote]
It's a hell of a buffer to a lot of people

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2022 23:03

@Bellringer

Let him go. Try to recoup savings as you can. Have a talk about appropriate use, maybe have separate fun and essential pots
I love the way posters on here assume there's enough money to have 'fun' and 'essential' pots.
Nanny0gg · 30/03/2022 23:04

@StressyWoman

I’d let him go, life is short and things like this don’t come up often. You’re owed a holiday after obviously!
With what money?????
melj1213 · 30/03/2022 23:04

I'm just going to play a bit of devil's advocate, if your surgery was £7.5k would you have still gone ahead? Leaving only a £500 contingency?

Exactly - or if the holiday had already been paid for out of the £8k savings, leaving just under £7k - which was more than enough of an "emergency buffer" to justify using the money for his once in a lifetime trip - would the OP have still spent £6k on surgery?

If the answer is yes then she is BVVU to deny her husband the trip now, just because her use of the money happened first.

Also, I have yet to see any post from the OP suggesting how she intends to replace the £6k from her surgery - it's all been about how her DH can fund his trip without touching the £2k they have left but not about how the OP can go about rebuilding the £6k she has used for surgery. Necessary or not, there should have been a plan for how to build the savings back up before it had even been spent on the surgery, especially when it was such a huge proportion of their savings amount.

If they had had separate emergency funds and they both put in the same amount as they did to their joint one (and I haven't seen the OP state that one or other of them put in significantly more than the other so I'll presume it was about 50/50 funded) then they would both have had £4k each to use on what they wanted and put towards any household emergencies equally - he would have comfortably been able to afford his trip on his "emergency fund" but the OP wouldn't have been able to afford surgery without his help.

Batshitkerazy · 30/03/2022 23:04

@LuckySantangelo35

When you get married and have kids you don’t lose all your sense of fun and adventure and wanderlust. Why shouldn’t he put himself first and go for it??
That’s interesting because I was reading a thread yesterday where a women was told “once you have children, you will never come first ever again”. I guess it’s different when it’s men though Hmm

This is one of the most ignorant threads I have ever read on mumsnet

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 23:06

@melj1213

I'm just going to play a bit of devil's advocate, if your surgery was £7.5k would you have still gone ahead? Leaving only a £500 contingency?

Exactly - or if the holiday had already been paid for out of the £8k savings, leaving just under £7k - which was more than enough of an "emergency buffer" to justify using the money for his once in a lifetime trip - would the OP have still spent £6k on surgery?

If the answer is yes then she is BVVU to deny her husband the trip now, just because her use of the money happened first.

Also, I have yet to see any post from the OP suggesting how she intends to replace the £6k from her surgery - it's all been about how her DH can fund his trip without touching the £2k they have left but not about how the OP can go about rebuilding the £6k she has used for surgery. Necessary or not, there should have been a plan for how to build the savings back up before it had even been spent on the surgery, especially when it was such a huge proportion of their savings amount.

If they had had separate emergency funds and they both put in the same amount as they did to their joint one (and I haven't seen the OP state that one or other of them put in significantly more than the other so I'll presume it was about 50/50 funded) then they would both have had £4k each to use on what they wanted and put towards any household emergencies equally - he would have comfortably been able to afford his trip on his "emergency fund" but the OP wouldn't have been able to afford surgery without his help.

I bet she loved every second of that surgery too. It’s exactly the same as a holiday.
CocoLoco123 · 30/03/2022 23:06

@Nanny0gg I agree, some people clearly are extremely privileged and don't even realise that (or don't care). If you don't have much disposable income then 2k is A LOT OF MONEY. Why is it so hard for some people to understand that there are things one can afford and some that are too expensive? Honestly, are people THAT ignorant or just pretending?

ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 23:08

@Pumperthepumper

I’d love to know if, without surgery, the OP would even have been capable of looking after their children alone for ten days.
If she wasn't, that 6k would have easily have paid for support!
Mocara · 30/03/2022 23:08

@Hbh17

I don't think anyone should be telling their spouse what they can and can't do. He doesn't need permission - of course he should go on the holiday, & I hope he has a fab time.
Well said 🙂
ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 23:09

@Mickarooni

” And how many would have spent 75% of their savings when they could have had it for "free" on the nhs?”

@ChoiceMummy

I don’t know if you noticed but we had a pandemic and, quite rightly, elective surgeries were postponed. Waiting lists are now longer than usual.

Yep and these surgeries are happening, even on weekends.

But given the op doesn't seem able to even see appropriate professionals it's all irrelevant.

TabithaHazel · 30/03/2022 23:10

I would just tell him to get a 0% credit card and put the holiday on that and pay it off himself over a year. For example one of barclaycard's current offers is cash with a year interest free. I wouldn't normally encourage debt but this really does sound like a once in a life time trip for him. You say he works hard, well what's the point of life if all there is is work?

toomuchlaundry · 30/03/2022 23:10

@Mocara so is it ok to spend family without discussing it with your partner? What about getting into debt, is that ok?

CocoLoco123 · 30/03/2022 23:10

@melj1213

I'm just going to play a bit of devil's advocate, if your surgery was £7.5k would you have still gone ahead? Leaving only a £500 contingency?

Exactly - or if the holiday had already been paid for out of the £8k savings, leaving just under £7k - which was more than enough of an "emergency buffer" to justify using the money for his once in a lifetime trip - would the OP have still spent £6k on surgery?

If the answer is yes then she is BVVU to deny her husband the trip now, just because her use of the money happened first.

Also, I have yet to see any post from the OP suggesting how she intends to replace the £6k from her surgery - it's all been about how her DH can fund his trip without touching the £2k they have left but not about how the OP can go about rebuilding the £6k she has used for surgery. Necessary or not, there should have been a plan for how to build the savings back up before it had even been spent on the surgery, especially when it was such a huge proportion of their savings amount.

If they had had separate emergency funds and they both put in the same amount as they did to their joint one (and I haven't seen the OP state that one or other of them put in significantly more than the other so I'll presume it was about 50/50 funded) then they would both have had £4k each to use on what they wanted and put towards any household emergencies equally - he would have comfortably been able to afford his trip on his "emergency fund" but the OP wouldn't have been able to afford surgery without his help.

Let me make it clear for you - trip IS NOT emergency, so cannot be paid for from EMERGENCY fund. Surgery for a medical condition that affects one's quality of life IS emergency, therefore can be paid from emergency fund. They are a family, so there is no his or her portion, that's why it's a family fund.
Blossomtoes · 30/03/2022 23:11

I bet she loved every second of that surgery too. It’s exactly the same as a holiday

Which has precisely nothing to do with her apparently having no plans to replace the money.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/03/2022 23:12

Wow, that's a whole new level of mummy-martyrdom.

How do I repay the savings used for surgery to help with my crippling pain, just as my husband plans to use for a holiday with his best buds? Maybe, as his holiday is going to cost (rounding up) only £2000, he should actually get THREE holidays so equal fun money has been spent.

After all, it's the same, right?

Aimed at @melj1213 by the way, who wins the award for most ridiculous post on a thread.

Ohmybod · 30/03/2022 23:13

@Quitelikeit

I would let him go - it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity type of thing - maybe he could take a loan out or something?

Like he said you spent thousands on your surgery - it was optional as you were on a waiting list

YABU

You are either the husband or one the husbands mates. Either way, you do know severe endometriosis is not like, you know, period pain or a migraine?

Going on a lads trip a once in a lifetime opportunity? Give me a break.

headspin10 · 30/03/2022 23:14

@Yellownightmare

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. He was unfair to compare it to surgery. However, it does sound like a very important trip for him. Rather than playing tit for tat couldn't you sit down like adults and work out how you might rebuild your savings and work together on this.

This sounds like a good plan. It would be so sad for him to miss it. But I would also want him to agree to something enjoyable for you on his return. Necessary surgery isn't this!

headspin10 · 30/03/2022 23:15

Also, you can always earn more money, but this is a chance he probably won't get again, I wouldn't want it to taint the relationship.. Sad

melj1213 · 30/03/2022 23:15

I bet she loved every second of that surgery too. It’s exactly the same as a holiday.

As someone who has had surgery for endometriosis I loved every second after I had had the surgery where I was no longer in excruciating pain - it felt like I was walking on air to be able to just exist without having to worry about endo pain.

However that doesn't justify the OP spending 75% of the family's money on it, with no plan for rebuilding the savings, and then using that to nix her husband using any of the money for something he wants too.

Like I said, if they had separate finances then he would have been better off as he would have had £4k of savings to put towards his trip but the OP would have not been able to ha e surgery because she would have only had £4k which wouldn't have covered the cost. Therefore I think it is justified for him to want to use some of the money for himself and then they both need to look at how they replace the money that has been used.

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 23:15

@Blossomtoes

I bet she loved every second of that surgery too. It’s exactly the same as a holiday

Which has precisely nothing to do with her apparently having no plans to replace the money.

Why should she? She needed it for medical reasons and it improved life for the entire family.
Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 23:16

@melj1213

I bet she loved every second of that surgery too. It’s exactly the same as a holiday.

As someone who has had surgery for endometriosis I loved every second after I had had the surgery where I was no longer in excruciating pain - it felt like I was walking on air to be able to just exist without having to worry about endo pain.

However that doesn't justify the OP spending 75% of the family's money on it, with no plan for rebuilding the savings, and then using that to nix her husband using any of the money for something he wants too.

Like I said, if they had separate finances then he would have been better off as he would have had £4k of savings to put towards his trip but the OP would have not been able to ha e surgery because she would have only had £4k which wouldn't have covered the cost. Therefore I think it is justified for him to want to use some of the money for himself and then they both need to look at how they replace the money that has been used.

Sorry, just so we’re clear: you really do think a holiday and actual medical surgery are the same category?
LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 23:18

@Batshitkerazy

Which thread was that?

I would never have said that to the poster.
Once you have children, you never come first again…what bollocks!!
Sometimes you can come first as an adult. In a family everyone’s needs are equal.

Blossomtoes · 30/03/2022 23:19

Why should she?

Because she’s the one who’s freaking out because they’re down to their last £2k.

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 23:19

@Blossomtoes

Why should she?

Because she’s the one who’s freaking out because they’re down to their last £2k.

No, she doesn’t want £1100 of that 2k pissed up the wall.
Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 23:22

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

Wow, that's a whole new level of mummy-martyrdom.

How do I repay the savings used for surgery to help with my crippling pain, just as my husband plans to use for a holiday with his best buds? Maybe, as his holiday is going to cost (rounding up) only £2000, he should actually get THREE holidays so equal fun money has been spent.

After all, it's the same, right?

Aimed at @melj1213 by the way, who wins the award for most ridiculous post on a thread.

My favourite was the one who said they’d still choose the holiday, even if it meant they couldn’t afford emergency vet bills, meaning they’d get their dog out down. Can you imagine? Kids, the dogs been put to sleep because he needed antibiotics. On the plus side, dad had a great time on holiday 🤣🤣🤣