To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

I think your being selfish. Life is short and this is a once in a lifetime holiday where he is most likely to never get the opportunity again. He might well resent you for stopping him. Sounds to me like jealousy is playing a part in this because I can't think of any other reason as to why you would be coming up with 'reasons' for him not to go rather than working with him on plan so he can go.

When you get married and have kids you don’t lose all your sense of fun and adventure and wanderlust.
Why shouldn’t he put himself first and go for it??

Also DH encouraged and was supportive of the surgery at the time. It was needed for us to function as a family, tbh.

I’ve read as much as I can, missed a few pages of comments so maybe I’m not the first Canadian to reply (I live in the U.K.).

Your DH will not spend exactly £1100 on a trip to Canada. Even with the exchange rates (yes, the pound will stretch further in Canada!) I’m assuming no one has considered GST/PST/HST. If it’s Alberta, then it’s a 5% tax (other provinces are higher) but these aren’t calculated into prices in shops/restaurants. So whatever you’re buying costs 5-15% more (depending on the province). If the DH is buying rounds or feels the need to contribute that’s something to factor.

I just bought a return plane ticket for my DS to Vancouver last week - it was £620 without seat selection and no luggage. Oh and that’s not his travel insurance, which if it needs to include most sports and physical activities cost a premium.

I have no advice outside of what’s already been posted (I am with you, OP, sometimes our finances don’t allow for the things we want) but your DH needs to look at the even bigger picture of his expenditures once IN Canada. Anyone who has gone on holiday knows that there are costs outside of airfare and lodging.

So many people here don't understand terms like 'responsibility', 'security' or 'priorities'. I know, these are outdated terms. Now it's all about 'once in a lifetime opportunity'. Because money grow magically on tree and we can just grab some when we need them. So many irresponsible little girls on this thread ( equivalent of manchild I'd say). OP don't listen to these immature posters, you will be glad you have some money in your saving pots when your boiler breaks down, your car needs a new part or your child gets ill. Your husband have to understand, or he can sulk like a small child, but he'll survive.

I think YABU it’s clearly once in a life time trip and it’s important to him. Also you saved that money together, and £6000 he encouraged you to use to make your quality of life better, so £1100 for a trip this important to him isn’t unreasonable in my opinion. He’s clearly not a selfish asshole.

I can't believe how many posters would be happy about spending that buffer money.

Memorable experiences are important and life is for living, but not at the expense of your families security.

OP, what did your DH say about a second job? If he wants to keep up with his friends, he needs to earn more.

You're being selfish and unreasonable. Although I don't know why you started this thread as you've clearly already decided you're going to try and stop him going

I’d let him go, life is short and things like this don’t come up often. You’re owed a holiday after obviously!

Not overly helpful but I'd let him go, it is likely only to happen once. However my husband in your shoes would feel exactly as you do. I'd say I would expect him to prop up the cost by selling stuff, working extra hours etc

@LuckySantangelo35

When you get married and have kids you don’t lose all your sense of fun and adventure and wanderlust. Why shouldn’t he put himself first and go for it??

Because it could leave his children at risk of financial difficulty? It sucks being an adult and being responsible but that’s the way it goes.

I think you should tell him he can book on with a view of you both doing extra until then, with a view to have the savings back to a more comfortable £1500 by the time he travels.
There’s loads of options, one of you could work a couple of evenings a week delivering pizza or something, online work - check out the earn £10 a day thread. Sell any old phones, things you don’t want, kids old clothes bundled up on eBay. Books you’ve read and don’t want to keep ect. Check subscriptions and re contract services if possible. I think that would be more than fair.

£550 in 7 months is doable.

YABU

@coldlistened

Coming in very late, have read your comments and skimmed the rest.

The obvious solution to this is to sit down with your husband and say “right, how do we make this work. We want you to go at the same time we need our savings. So the obvious solution is to find the trip money somewhere, how do we do that?”

What can we sell?
Can you pick up a short term job?
Can you work more hours?
Etc..

While one solution may not get you there, I’m sure you can find a good combo there somewhere. It may be, you find 1,000 before yore you go and we use 1,000 from savings. It may be he figures out how to bring in money and you ‘borrow’ from savings if he doesn’t get fully there by Oct.

The important thing is that you figure it out together.

You're getting a tough time on here, OP.

Can you work out a plan to allow him to go, by saving/raising money, even small amounts? Sell anything that can be sold, do online surveys (him and you), babysit for other people, etc. There are threads on MN and MoneySavingsExpert about how to make more money. Apologies if you have cut everything back and explored all these options already.
How likely is your boiler to just pack up? Is it really old, or are you worrying unnecessarily? If it did pack up completely, could you borrow some money or use a credit card - ideally one with 0% interest?
I think the stag do is rotten timing, but if you really don't want him to miss it, I hope you can work something out.

Let him go. Try to recoup savings as you can. Have a talk about appropriate use, maybe have separate fun and essential pots

Off point but why are people so selfish putting these demands on others for stag/hen dos?
I don’t think yabu.
I think he is hugely unfair to compare him blowing the family savings on a holiday with his friends to your children watching their mum suffer each day with a painful condition.
And then using some family money to correct that situation.

To add to my previous post, broken boiler seems to be a massive worry, maybe look at insurance/protection

CombatBarbie

I'm just going to play a bit of devil's advocate, if your surgery was £7.5k would you have still gone ahead? Leaving only a £500 contingency?

I was wondering the same thing.

@Mickarooni
£1000 isn’t gonna make that much difference though - it’s not gonna act as much of a buffer anyway.
He should absolutely go. Especially if he’s willing to work overtime or whatever. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice everything when you have kids like some people on here are saying.

I think you both need to come together and have a frank conversation about how you can make this work.

It's a tricky one. Is there anything at all you can cut down on to save, or anything he can do to raise more cash or spend less and start chipping away at it straightaway so it doesn't eat as badly into your savings?

@Catcrazy83

To add to my previous post, broken boiler seems to be a massive worry, maybe look at insurance/protection

It’s the standard MN emergency. The place is obsessed with broken boilers.

If you came to a hospital genuinely crying in pain, there is no way that they would discharge you if you were unable to move for your pain. They would have sent you straight to the gynaecology team, who, if they believed it was an operation you needed would have 100% operated on you as an emergency case if your pain was not controlled. The whole emergency surgery system is set up precisely for emergencies like this where someone is in unrelenting pain.
The op has said that she was happy for the £2k to be spent on a family holiday (rather than a stag do - fair enough. I would be too) but that statement alone must mean that the op isn’t as fussed about not having a rainy day fund, rather than the principle. That is completely ok to say if that’s how you feel. I personally, it’s a once in a life time thing and he probably deserves it so YABU.

Gynaecologist are you??
I hope so because it means somewhere in the nhs women are getting good treatment when they need it.

But if you have never worked a day in gynae or surgery then please know people are left ok waiting lists to manage very painful conditions.

@Unsureaboutit9

I think YABU it’s clearly once in a life time trip and it’s important to him. Also you saved that money together, and £6000 he encouraged you to use to make your quality of life better, so £1100 for a trip this important to him isn’t unreasonable in my opinion. He’s clearly not a selfish asshole.

A jolly (because that's what it is, really) is hardly the same as surgery to improve the OP's quality of life!

I know MN is largely middle/upper middle class but the sheer lack of understanding of other peoples' finances on this thread are staggering

The OP's DH CANNOT AFFORD THIS TRIP!

If I was him I'd be gutted too but unless he gets a second job (and never sees his family and leaves everything to the still-not-entirely-well OP) there is no way that the money is there.