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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
rookiemere · 30/03/2022 21:55

NEWSFLASH - not everyone with endometriosis has exactly the same experience.

Mine hasn't come back because I've gone on Cerazette long term - but until I got away from the crippling pain through surgery it wouldn't have worked.

If I hadn't had private medical insurance it would have taken me approximately 18-24 months to have a laparoscopy, if I even got that far in the process. Yes a well known wheeze is to see the consultant privately for a few hundred quid, then get bumped up the list, but it's hardly an advertised practice.

I can't believe we're arguing the justifiability of surgery over a holiday.

Mickarooni · 30/03/2022 21:55

@Pumperthepumper

I’d love to know if, without surgery, the OP would even have been capable of looking after their children alone for ten days.
Yeah but she doesn’t matter. She’s just selfish for spending money on her surgery that she could have waited months and months and months for. How dare she pay money to manage her pain!
anonanonanon123 · 30/03/2022 21:56

I think you should both make monthly cut backs and try like car boot sale old stuff, sell on vinted etc. 7 paydays till October so you (jointly) need to find £150 a month. Surgery isn't comparable I know but I wouldn't have been able to get private surgery with family savings then say no to DH dream trip it does sound really unfair.

imnottoofussed · 30/03/2022 21:56

I would say yabu and this will cause a rift if he doesn't go. It's a once in a lifetime experience.

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 21:57

@anonanonanon123

I think you should both make monthly cut backs and try like car boot sale old stuff, sell on vinted etc. 7 paydays till October so you (jointly) need to find £150 a month. Surgery isn't comparable I know but I wouldn't have been able to get private surgery with family savings then say no to DH dream trip it does sound really unfair.
Would you have expected him to live in chronic pain so you could go on holiday?
Mickarooni · 30/03/2022 21:57

”I can't believe we're arguing the justifiability of surgery over a holiday.”

@rookiemere

I know! For a grown man, too.
Being a parent is about being responsible and sometimes it means missing out on fun experiences like this. It’s easier to be reckless when you don’t have children relying on you.

Gilly12345 · 30/03/2022 21:59

I think If DH goes on this stag holiday then he really should work extra hours, sell things to recover this money, I think savings are essential especially with the increase in bills etc. holidays at the moment are a luxury.

whymewhyme · 30/03/2022 22:00

Id tell him to get a 0% credit card and pay it back. No way would i be happy aboit taking what's left if the savings

Crikeyalmighty · 30/03/2022 22:02

Very interesting that lots of people seem to feel unless you have very ample cushions of cash that you should be doing sweet FA in life apart from working and paying bills. I do appreciate it’s a fine balancing act but that’s what it is a balance. I know people who have no savings but seem to do an awful lot , several don’t have much debt either, if any— they just tend to live for the moment— and to be honest they seem a lot happier than a relative of ours who is virtually a millionaire, lives in a totally grotty flat in his 80s, has only ever had a holiday about once every 10 years but I’m sure is incredibly fiscally responsible. He has no family other than a brother also in his 80s to leave it to either. Some life experiences are priceless- so I stand by my suggestion that if they are under 40 and have equity , use a bit , and use a good amount to save and create a cushion, so that £150 extra on the gas doesn’t freak you out etc— long term things may change, you haven’t said it OP but I suspect if working FT you might have high childcare expenses etc? My own view is they could have had a similar holiday in Scotland or Wales as I said above but it is what it is, and maybe you need to look for the longer term at your income and expenses and see if any changes can be made

OverTheRubicon · 30/03/2022 22:03

Am horrified by the number of posters who think it's ok to leave a family with £900 in savings, when we're about to go into a cost of living crisis and likely recession.

Honestly it wouldn't even matter if OP had used the money for a boob job, or they'd both spent it all together on some bad choices at Paddy Power. Right now their savings are as they stand, op has said there's no more to save, and no way that a family should be sailing this close to the wind at any time, but especially in the current economic environment.

ChimChimeny · 30/03/2022 22:04

On Friday our gas & electric is going up by £100 a month, having already increased by £100 in Oct, similar happens to the OP & they are royally screwed. But as long as the DH gets to go fishing who cares eh!

Obiwankenobe · 30/03/2022 22:05

If you came to a hospital genuinely crying in pain, there is no way that they would discharge you if you were unable to move for your pain. They would have sent you straight to the gynaecology team, who, if they believed it was an operation you needed would have 100% operated on you as an emergency case if your pain was not controlled. The whole emergency surgery system is set up precisely for emergencies like this where someone is in unrelenting pain.
The op has said that she was happy for the £2k to be spent on a family holiday (rather than a stag do - fair enough. I would be too) but that statement alone must mean that the op isn’t as fussed about not having a rainy day fund, rather than the principle. That is completely ok to say if that’s how you feel. I personally, it’s a once in a life time thing and he probably deserves it so YABU.

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 22:06

The surgery was diagnostic as well as for pain management! I had all of the symptoms of endometriosis and regular A&E visits from vomiting in pain. And yet nobody ever considered endometriosis. When I suggested it I wasn’t taken seriously.

It can only be diagnosed by surgery. This can be done through the NHS but nobody would listen to me.

Now I’ve had the surgery at least when it plays up I can go to the NHS with my diagnosis and at least have the appropriate referrals.

OP posts:
woodpecker2 · 30/03/2022 22:07

YANBU he should put his family first either in savings or having a holiday together, he shouldn’t be comparing surgery to a stag do.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/03/2022 22:07

I am frankly gobsmacked at the amount of people on here that think spending money on a surgery is equal to spending money on a jolly for one person. I could understand it if OP got her boobs done, but she had something done to stop her agonising pain.

The surgery is on a par with the boiler breaking down. YANBU to say to husband it cannot be afforded so he can't go. He is being really unreasonable to say that you have £6k spent on you so therefore he should get something. Where is your 'dream holiday'?

Not to mention the absolute madness of using up all the family savings for dad to have a wonderful holiday - because it will. There's not a hope in hell it'll only be £1100.

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 22:08

I had 3 A&E visits. Only one was I offered an ultrasound. The other 2 I was fobbed off with painkillers because I was on my period.

I didn’t fork out for the surgery for the fun of it.

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 30/03/2022 22:09

I’ll not pass judgement on stag do / operations… just commenting to remind myself that shared finances and having to agree / disagree how to spend it sounds utterly shit and depressing.

Splitting Household expenses: of course.
But not having my own money to spend as I chose without debate??
Fuck that.
Reminds me if my first marriage lol

Passanotherjaffacake · 30/03/2022 22:09

I agree with you OP. My husband would realise he doesn’t have enough money for this and would not ask about family savings for himself even if he was sad about it. If he can sell stuff/make other money then fine.

Completely disagree with any posters suggesting medical expenses are the same/optional like a holiday etc. They are not. Spent loads on my husbands medical diagnosis/treatment and it’s been life changing for him. NHS wait times were years even for diagnosis. He could barely walk or move with excruciating pain. Couldn’t help with our newborn at all it was so bad. Health is so, so important - worth every penny.

I have severe endo too and the pain, excessive bleeding/soaking and symptoms were horrifying and totally incapacitated me. You did the right thing as it always gets progressively worse. Like a pp said, after my first op for it (22) it didn’t come back badly for a long time, about ten years. So depending on your age you might be ok as it will go with the menopause.

WorkCleanRepeat · 30/03/2022 22:10

YABU he should definitely go.

rookiemere · 30/03/2022 22:10

@Obiwankenobe I was kicked out of A&E twice with crippling pain. My guess is they know it's Endo - a difficult and expensive to treat non life threatening condition that goes away at menopause.

Xmasfairy86 · 30/03/2022 22:11

The money wouldn’t be an issue for me, the 10 days solo parenting would be though 😆

tkwal · 30/03/2022 22:16

Just when I thought stag/hen do couldn't get any more extravagant , ridiculous and self indulgent. You should put his gonads in a sling, give them a good twist and leave him like that for a couple of weeks. Thats more or less what endo feels like. Then ask him if he still feels you shouldn't have had the private surgery. Let him go if it means that much to him, but he's never allowed to complain to you about money again.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 30/03/2022 22:18

Endometriosis takes an average of 8 years for diagnosis, can only be definitively diagnosed via a laparoscopy which before they will even do that will instead give you a cocktail of drugs to try first to see if that helps the pain.

As part of my endo treatment I underwent a chemical menopause at the grand old age of 27 with HRT before they would consider doing the laparoscopy as it just costs too much for the NHS. Drugs are cheaper. I actually went private at that point like a lot of people do. Was booked in for surgery 1 week later for laser lap and dye, so a laparoscopy, laser treatment for endo deposits and dye to check the Fallopian tubes are not blocked.

BBC news article from today - endo affects 1 in 10 women. It can cause your lungs to collapse, you can end up in a wheelchair as shown in this video, so fairly important to try to stop it getting worse

www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-60922369

It is incurable and trying to keep it at bay is the only solution offered to those of us who go through agonising pain from it. OP you have my sympathies, I was diagnosed 21 years ago.

I think that this is his dream holiday so he needs to come up with a plan of how to pay for it without it wiping out all of the savings. Your surgery and his holiday are not comparable.

Sswhinesthebest · 30/03/2022 22:19

Also, you're actually very lucky to have ANY savings. Again, many, many people including myself, have nothing to fall back on for emergencies. We just suffer nightmares worrying about them.

Precisely why the op wants to keep the savings so they don’t suffer nightmares!

Pp’s are right, this thread is truly an eye opener. I can’t believe such a large proportion of people would choose to put their finances in such a precarious position for the sake of a holiday.

SleeplessInEngland · 30/03/2022 22:19

That seems like a ludicrously extravagant stag but I guess it should be thought of as an actual holiday. In that spirit I’d let him go. You say he works hard so you shouldn’t worry too much about money and he’ll only resent you if forced to stay.