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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:

gunnersgold · 30/03/2022 21:32

I was making suggestions but assumptions !

HardyBuckette · 30/03/2022 21:33

@gunnersgold

I was making suggestions but assumptions !

Then you're not one of the people I'm talking about.

Donut22 · 30/03/2022 21:34

He works hard has you said, once in a lifetime holiday with people he has grown up with yet having to ask permission to go...... yabVu

RealBecca · 30/03/2022 21:36

Equally though as unfair as it feels to him, the 6k has already been spent and the adult decision is not to go as its not really affordable.

Hawkins001 · 30/03/2022 21:36

All the best op

ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 21:36

@Mickarooni

If push came to shove, I wonder how many posters on here would actually risk their children’s wellbeing and financial security for one adult to go on a once-in-a-lifetime trip. If something goes tits up and one of them lost their job or any number of unexpected issues cropped up, £2k would ensure the kids are fed and clothed for a while.

And how many would have spent 75% of their savings when they could have had it for "free" on the nhs?

rookiemere · 30/03/2022 21:37

@RealBecca and how do you propose they build up separate savings when their joint leftover at the end of last month was £50?

The sad fact is that many people will never be able to afford trips to the Rockies, nor private surgery. Not everyone has daily lattes, lunches and netflix subscriptions that can be sacrificed.

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 21:38

I wonder how many posters would want their partner in chronic pain, if it meant they could go on holiday.

rookiemere · 30/03/2022 21:39

@ChoiceMummy yes free on the NHS but goodness knows how many years she would have had to wait. You're making out that she did it as some sort of luxury lifestyle choice, rather than being in crippling agony and unable to function without the operation.

lms2017 · 30/03/2022 21:43

Can his stag and his mates help out ?. Let them know the situation . Perhaps he could pay them back slowly if money's no object to them ?.

Interest free credit card for 18 months and pay it off monthly? As long as you pay it all by the 18 months or then transfer it to another interest free credit card . Can you cut back on something else.

I would want him to go . Does your child benefit get used each month for your child? Or does that go into savings ?.some people feel the need to save it for their children but it's needed by most for daily living costs x

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 30/03/2022 21:43

I’d want him to go on the holiday with his friends same as I’d hate my dc to miss out on something significant.

But I’d have a hard time respecting a man who would spend half of a family’s meagre savings on a holiday with his mates. That’s not financial responsibility, it’s not being a family man and it’s just not being a grown up.

Would I stop him? No. Probably not.

But I would be seriously re-evaluating our financial situation and maybe even the relationship because having misaligned financial values is a serious problem.

My df was an amazing man who put all of his dc through third level education when he didn’t even finish primary himself and had stretches of being out of work. I’d really struggle to respect my dh if he did this.

I completely understand how awful it would be to miss out but once you have dc you have to stop thinking like a big kid.

ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 21:43

[quote latetothefisting]@ChoiceMummy

OPs actual words "The surgery wasn’t something I chose lightly. There were months of discussions with DH and me literally in tears to my GP at times begging for referrals and help....it got to a point I was in so much fucking agony I could barely take care of my kids, that’s why we spent the money on the surgery....It was an emergency. I was becoming suicidal, I was in so much pain."

Your bizarre interpretation "She chose to £6000 of their joint savings and didn't think twice!"

Can you actually read?

There was a thread on here about a month ago about people who skim read the first post, missed all pertinent details, read no further responses and then completely made up what was going on in their own heads, which bore no resemblance to anything the OP had said. Would have been some excellent examples for it on this thread.[/quote]
If you have endometriosis, I have, so yes I can quite happily comment.

If she has MH issues, they need addressing.

The 6k is as I have said pissed away and her symptoms will be back with vengeance within the year.

The 6k apparently is not replaceable.

If she hasn't been heard by medical professionals, and apparently still isn't being, then you have to ask why not. Because I can tell you now, a diagnosis can take a long time, but I've never experienced not being listened to if genuinely in so much pain! It sounds to me like she's never even really given the nhs a chance and would probably be well advised to now read the NICE guidelines and get some treatment sorted. Else this whole debacle was pointless.

And again, she wasn't so concerned about buffers then was she?

And, as I have said before, why is the op not the one trying to facilitate extra income for her to replace the hard earned money she has spent?

kateg27 · 30/03/2022 21:46

I'm sorry OP but you spent £6k on something you could have had for free. And I suffer from endometriosis too.
Why should your husband not be able to spend a sixth of the money you spent on something he wants to do. It's not the kind of holiday that will always happen is it?
I don't think I have ever told my husband what he can and cannot spend his money on. He doesn't with me either.

ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 21:47

@NeedleNoodle3

Could he sell a kidney, I think it’s very important for him not to miss out on his holiday with his friends doing his hobby?

Or perhaps the op should to help them have a better buffer? 😜

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 21:47

I've never experienced not being listened to if genuinely in so much pain!

This is an incredibly arrogant thing to say.

SisterBlis · 30/03/2022 21:48

I would be supportive of him going, but work together to come up with a plan of how to replenish savings. Or a plan for how he can go without using the savings. Ask him how.

Over time at work.
Look for a better paid job
Some sort of secondary income.
2nd job.
Does he have anything he could cut back on to balance it out?
Smoking, drinking, temporary break from expensive hobbies, gym membership, downgrade to a cheaper car

Just some ideas

ralanne · 30/03/2022 21:48

No way, that is ridiculous and he's being unbelievably selfish.

kateg27 · 30/03/2022 21:49

@ChoiceMummy 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 i 1000% agree with your post. If she didn't like the care she was having from the NHS , why not ask for 2nd opinions or contact PALs? Or even pay to see a private consultant for treatment. It would have been cheaper than surgery.

Blossomtoes · 30/03/2022 21:49

@Pumperthepumper

I've never experienced not being listened to if genuinely in so much pain!

This is an incredibly arrogant thing to say.

Is it? Sounds like a statement about that poster’s own experience to me.

ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 21:49

[quote rookiemere]@ChoiceMummy yes free on the NHS but goodness knows how many years she would have had to wait. You're making out that she did it as some sort of luxury lifestyle choice, rather than being in crippling agony and unable to function without the operation.[/quote]
Because as someone suffering from endo for decades, I know it was a lifestyle choice.

She chose to spend the 6k on a.procedure for which the positive impact is literally going to last a matte rod months because she isn't having any ongoing treatment!

Franticbutterfly · 30/03/2022 21:51

YOLO - let him go. Tell him to do some weekend work or sell something to help build savings back up.

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 21:51

It’s a statement about that posters own experience that they’re using to disbelieve the OP to discredit her suffering.

ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 21:53

@SisterBlis

I would be supportive of him going, but work together to come up with a plan of how to replenish savings. Or a plan for how he can go without using the savings. Ask him how.

Just some ideas

Why should the onus be on him cutting costs and working more?

The op is the one responsible for this situation. She spent his and the children's money. So she should be working multiple jobs and working out what she can sell to resolve this!

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 21:54

I’d love to know if, without surgery, the OP would even have been capable of looking after their children alone for ten days.

Mickarooni · 30/03/2022 21:54

” And how many would have spent 75% of their savings when they could have had it for "free" on the nhs?”

@ChoiceMummy

I don’t know if you noticed but we had a pandemic and, quite rightly, elective surgeries were postponed. Waiting lists are now longer than usual.

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