To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

@WindyKnickers

I'm not a big fan of expensive stag and hen do but this does sound pretty good value for a once in a lifetime trip. I know you say you can't cut back any further but even small savings can help. Maybe he could keep a tally of every time he takes his lunch to work instead of buying it, every time he goes home after one pint instead of 3. If he really makes the effort eg cancelling extra sports channels, making his trainers last another 6 months, the little sacrifices will help towards the cost.

It would be good value, though still not affordable for them, if there were any realistic chance that it would actually only cost £1100. It won't. And again, people are making assumptions about spending that can be cut: there doesn't seem to be much understanding that lots of people simply aren't affording little treats like that in the first place.

@Bubblesandsqueak1

Thing is this whole problem would not have came up if the op didn't spent 6k on herself for medical treatment yes endo is fucking painful and the pain is crazy I however believe you dh should go on this trip then you both need to find ways to earn more money to refill savings accounts dh for the 2k and op for the 6k unfortunately life is shit and no one can predict the future so this hols may be the only one he ever gets to have , op needs to replace the savings she used just as much as he does all those saying he needs to sell all his stuff so should op since she wiped out 75% and if her op had been 8k instead of 6k she 100% would have used it all without second thought of a emergency fund

Do you not think there's a difference between surgery that keeps you in work and not having the surgery that could have you lose work/your job with all the financial and career consequences of that? What impact would several years on a waiting list have for OP and her job as well as everything else>

That money wouldn't have lasted long if OP had had to give up work . And, iirc, when you're married or have a partner, you don't qualify for welfare support readily.

Trip of a lifetime, YABU.

Having private necessary surgery, quite right too. You needed it.

Unfortunately you might have a life emergency in the coming months as well.

However, life is for living and you'll deal with it and find a way. Having £900 or £2,000 in savings possibly won't make a difference.

Can't he sell something to pay for it? He has months yet to pay for it if he puts it on a card he has time to pay it back or replenish the savings if he uses that .

Pay for it with what? They have approx £50 to spare a month.

100% he should go sorry OP but life is too short and this means a lot to him

Actually, if neither OP or the DH have done matched betting before that is something they should absolutely look into.

@iklboo

Can't he sell something to pay for it? He has months yet to pay for it if he puts it on a card he has time to pay it back or replenish the savings if he uses that .

Pay for it with what? They have approx £50 to spare a month.

I'm surprised nobody's suggested selling one of the DC to fund it yet.

But they already know they are facing a 2nd operation for the OP in a few years. They already know they don't have enough saved if the car needs to be replaced or the boiler breaks. They already don't have enough for expenses they will probably have to face within the next 5 years. Taking £1k away isn't really going to cause more problems than they already have.

OP - I would say if between you the money can be earned within the next 6 months then he should go, but the extra hours dont stop when the holiday is paid for and you both commit to at least another 2 years of one or both of you taking on extra hours/2nd job to get yourselves in a better position. If you didn't have those savings then would you have got into debt to pay for the operation? How would you have paid that loan back? You borrowed from yourself, between you pay it back , and add the Canadian trip on that "debt to yourself".

Surgery and a holiday are not the same thing at all. Having a stag in the Canadian stickies is shockingly selfish. Of course you’re not being unreasonable. To have so little savings would terrify me.

Could he sell a kidney, I think it’s very important for him not to miss out on his holiday with his friends doing his hobby?

Tough one it does sound like a once in a lifetime chance for him
Is there anyway you can save money on things , sell things you no longer need etc
I had endo so know how painful it can be and i had it so bad I had to have a hysterectomy but luckily mine was all on the nhs and they did it within months of when it became so debilitating
I think i would just have to look at every option we had to see if we could make it possible

I'm just going to play a bit of devil's advocate, if your surgery was £7.5k would you have still gone ahead? Leaving only a £500 contingency?

Many people do not have a buffer and although he shouldn't be using your surgery against you, I get his point.

@coldlistened

The stag knows we struggle and is a good guy and I think if he knew DH would use up all of our savings for the holiday then he’d subsidise DH. DH would be mortified and would never have that though if the stag offered.

The stag being aware of our situation is also what makes me nervous about the possibility of DH trying to buy everybody meals etc on the holiday to prove something.

If the stag is aware of your situation and knows you struggle, why in gods name has he opted to go for such an expensive stag do, knowing it will be a financial struggle for one of the guys going?

So many more affordable outdoorsy type stag do’s he could have opted for, that would ensure everyone would be in a position to come, but he opts for Canada?

I’m on the fence a bit here to be honest OP.
I don’t think it’s fair that your DH is comparing your surgery to a stag do. And I can understand that although you’d love him to go, you’re worrying about blowing the last bit of savings you have, knowing you’re no longer in a position to build them back up. But also appreciate your DH would want to attend this stag do.

Just trying to think of other ways, outside of those that have been suggested, where your DH could try and raise maybe half of the money, so he doesn’t need to borrow as much from the savings fund. Would it be a possibility for him to raise half of it rather than all of it? At least it wouldn’t make such a big dent in your savings that way?

But they already know they are facing a 2nd operation for the OP in a few years. They already know they don't have enough saved if the car needs to be replaced or the boiler breaks. They already don't have enough for expenses they will probably have to face within the next 5 years. Taking £1k away isn't really going to cause more problems than they already have.

I think that’s a very odd way to look at it.

When is the holiday? Can he save toward it. I think you are being unreasonable. His friend is having a stag do and they are all going except him. He may never get the opportunity again and may resent you for it

I'd do my utmost to help him to go. It's not just a regular trip. It's his dream holiday with his best friends. And actually not expensive for what it is. If you really can't manage it, then you can't, but I'd certainly try. And I'd expect him to do the same for you if it comes up in the future,

@SickAndTiredAgain

But they already know they are facing a 2nd operation for the OP in a few years. They already know they don't have enough saved if the car needs to be replaced or the boiler breaks. They already don't have enough for expenses they will probably have to face within the next 5 years. Taking £1k away isn't really going to cause more problems than they already have.

I think that’s a very odd way to look at it.

It's batshit. However you want to slice it, they're better off financially not spending the money for this holiday. Which will be substantially above 1k, incidentally. If the car needs to be replaced, better to have to find six grand than seven. The fact that they're already not too well off doesn't mean losing all their meagre savings on a holiday (which is what would actually happen) won't worsen their position.

@HardyBuckette you don't know what he owns. I have recently sold a load of stuff I don't use and made £1000. It's possible if he has valuable items and would rather have the holiday !🤷‍♀️

Is it possible he could do a part time retail job such as grocery store or work waiting tables as it's such a long while before the stag do? I think either one would feel much less strenuous compared to his regular job? I for one don't think endometriosis surgery is by any stretch of the imagination a frivolous or elective procedure especially if you're in severe pain! I had a uterine ablation for hemorrhaging during my period while on blood thinner and it was a miraculous cure. These days every little home repair or crisis costs so much I'd be terrified of using up my emergency cash savings.

The money will get eaten up eventually. Surely Covid has taught us that you can take nothing for granted wether that be health, freedom or loo roll.. It’s his dream holiday and stag dos are one offs. I’d be a bit resentful but let him do it.

The most unreasonable one here is the stag!!!

God, yes - what a stupid, selfish idea for a stag do, unless they’re all hedge fund managers.

If he had spent the £2k first, would you still have spent the £6k on surgery?

If the issue is really that you feel uncomfortable with nonway to build up your savings then that is the conversation to have. It's not about Canada or whose money it is. Perhaps you both need to think about independent savings?

I'd let him go but that's because I know if the situation was reversed dh would insist I go.

[quote gunnersgold]@HardyBuckette you don't know what he owns. I have recently sold a load of stuff I don't use and made £1000. It's possible if he has valuable items and would rather have the holiday !🤷‍♀️[/quote]
I didn't say I did. The problem is that people are making assumptions.

Maybe COVID has also shown the importance of having savings when your income dries up