To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

There's something a bit off about a person expecting friends to cough up for expensive stag dos when they don't have the same resources.

Also its not the money but the DH said he was entitled to the stag do because she'd had to spend money on essential surgery.

There's not much give and take there.

Did he really mean that OP, does he really resent the surgery or was it just a throw away comment said in the heat of the moment?

there's been suggestions on this thread about saving, selling etc, up to DH to find some of the cost and still leave a reasonable amount for emergencies. Or use a low rate credit card which DH pays back .

YANBU, it simply isn’t possible.
You have £2k in your savings, that is set aside for emergencies. This is not an emergency.
I feel frustrated for you, that your husband can’t see this.
We all have things we would like to do if money were no object, however most of us that simply isn’t the case.
I hope your husband can see the bigger picture, and see that the family savings are far more important than a friend’s stag.

Let the poor bastard go on the trip.

The other families are more financially comfortable than OP and her DH. DH did a two week "trip of a lifetime "when he was 50 - I've had to mention many times that I am due the same amount for trips away.

Also the one off trip of a lifetime was mentioned as a possibility to do again this year - for various reasons it isn't happening, but I suspect once these men get a taste for a solo trip then it wont be the last occasion. Which is fine if you can afford it but OPs DH simply can't.

I think you have to let him go OP, but agree a maximum amount in advance that he will take. Anything over and above that on a credit card is his problem to pay and should not come out of the family coffers.

You can earn up to £1000 from miscellaneous sources without having to pay tax on it. I've started doing online surveys through you gov - don't think I'll make a fortune but it doesn't take up much time as I do it in the evenings.Maybe he could sign up for some of those.

He needs to understand this is a one off, and he needs to understand the difference between private surgery done because you were in agony and an expensive holiday.

@Trufflypig - I am one of those, him or her. They had £8k in savings. They've spent £6k with no plan to replace them. He wants to spent another £1k they cant currently replace and the OP knows in a few years time she will need the same surgery again and it might need to be private at another £6k.

Whether its him or her who gets the extra job, if its £6k or £7k they need to replace, they apparently cant cut their expenditure any further and so therefore need to increase their income so they can save. Not just save for this holiday, but so they can have some sort of buffer for big expenses in the future, particularly important since they know they will have the OP needing an operation in the not too distance future.

They need to have a general conversation about the possibility of taking on a 2nd income for one of them. But not limited to just the holiday money, they need to rebuild their finances.

I wonder how many of the posters saying yabu are in debt themselves.

I suspect there's a mixture between people who are indeed in debt due to spending on luxuries like this, and people who aren't because they've got higher incomes and as such genuinely haven't got their heads around the precarity of the family's financial position

@coldlistened

Cannot believe you spent money having surgery to relieve your unmanageable, chronic and debilitating pain that caused you to be suicidal. Why on earth didn’t you look into your crystal ball and realise your husband might be invited on this special trip?! How dare you think relief for even a few years was worth this? Clearly, it’s much better for your husband and the children to have a chronically ill, suicidal mother/wife. Never mind you, you don’t matter.

I don’t have endometriosis but I have another chronic pain condition and you have all my empathy. I’m sure your stay in a private hospital wasn’t much of a jolly even if you did get your own room. I cannot believe the people on here who seem to think you’re being unfair to protect your children’s welfare.

@ChoiceMummy

OPs actual words "The surgery wasn’t something I chose lightly. There were months of discussions with DH and me literally in tears to my GP at times begging for referrals and help....it got to a point I was in so much fucking agony I could barely take care of my kids, that’s why we spent the money on the surgery....It was an emergency. I was becoming suicidal, I was in so much pain."

Your bizarre interpretation "She chose to £6000 of their joint savings and didn't think twice!"

Can you actually read?

There was a thread on here about a month ago about people who skim read the first post, missed all pertinent details, read no further responses and then completely made up what was going on in their own heads, which bore no resemblance to anything the OP had said. Would have been some excellent examples for it on this thread.

YABU, this is his close friendship group, and they will be devastated if he doesn’t go.

What if you split up, he would regret not going for the rest of his life,

Get a credit card and treat him.

@momtoboys and then when he gets back from the trip he will literally be "a poor bastard"

" Of course there will be future opportunities for them to save up and do a once in a lifetime holiday when all of them are in a position to go."

How do you know there will be future opportunities? Seems unlikely because the others will have already been to Canada...

I think if they're all such good friends the groom to be should have thought about his poorer friend and been a bit more thoughtful about his choice of holiday.
It's very indulgent to want a ten day holiday to Canada. I wonder what the bride to be will be doing.

Stag do in Canada! It’s quite an ask isn’t it. Surely the stag must have some inkling of your financial situation OP.

I think people who have grand ideas for their wedding celebrations ought to consider whether their friends can afford to take part. Where is the hen do?

@crepesncream

I think if they're all such good friends the groom to be should have thought about his poorer friend and been a bit more thoughtful about his choice of holiday. It's very indulgent to want a ten day holiday to Canada. I wonder what the bride to be will be doing.

Cross post!

@MargosKaftan That's different though, a second job takes a great sacrifice from both of you (read my post below the one you've replied to).

If it's for the bigger picture of financial security or buying essentials which everyone as a family will benefit from then it's worth it.

If it's so one person can go away on a lavish holiday leaving the other to run the house, do all the childcare and have to use their annual leave that year when the kids are sick then I'd argue its not and I'd feel pretty upset if my DH even considered it.

I suspect the stag paying for the food and drinks is his way of trying to ensure that OPs DH can attend.

Why would anyone willingly wipe out half of their savings in the current climate.

YANBU

I’m honestly dumbfounded by some of these comments. OP (if you’re still around) you and your DH sound like a lovely couple. But clearly you can’t afford this trip, which is a shame but that is the reality of things right now for so many families.

I can’t get my head around the comments from people encouraging you to spend over half your savings, to get into debt, or to do all the childcare every weekend while he gets another job (so you have the privilege of doing it all solo for ten days while he’s away…!). And I really can’t understand how this could be compared to surgery that you needed!

I'd want my DH to go. Comparing a holiday to life changing surgery though is very unfair

@DaphneSprucesPippasClack

Why would anyone willingly wipe out half of their savings in the current climate.

YANBU

That's already been done though and not by the husband.

The internalised misogyny on this thread is breathtakingly depressing. Literally can’t believe what I’m reading from some women, feel like I’ve fallen into a parallel universe.

Thing is this whole problem would not have came up if the op didn't spent 6k on herself for medical treatment yes endo is fucking painful and the pain is crazy I however believe you dh should go on this trip then you both need to find ways to earn more money to refill savings accounts dh for the 2k and op for the 6k unfortunately life is shit and no one can predict the future so this hols may be the only one he ever gets to have , op needs to replace the savings she used just as much as he does all those saying he needs to sell all his stuff so should op since she wiped out 75% and if her op had been 8k instead of 6k she 100% would have used it all without second thought of a emergency fund

Can't he sell something to pay for it? He has months yet to pay for it if he puts it on a card he has time to pay it back or replenish the savings if he uses that .

I'm not a big fan of expensive stag and hen do but this does sound pretty good value for a once in a lifetime trip. I know you say you can't cut back any further but even small savings can help. Maybe he could keep a tally of every time he takes his lunch to work instead of buying it, every time he goes home after one pint instead of 3. If he really makes the effort eg cancelling extra sports channels, making his trainers last another 6 months, the little sacrifices will help towards the cost.

At least one person way up thread has mentioned matched betting. If done correctly it is nigh on impossible to lose any money and with all of the free bet offers (now is a perfect time as there will be LOADS of sign up offers for Aintree and The Grand National) you/your DH wouldn't need to spend very much of your own money to get up and running with it.