Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
Happiestdogs · 30/03/2022 20:14

I think if we increased the term on our mortgage we'd be paying well into retirement and our pension plan at the moment certainly doesn't cover it! If anything we have to work to pay more ASAP.

OP's may be different of course

WifeMotherWorkRepeat · 30/03/2022 20:16

YABU - life is just too short!!! You had surgery privately which is fair now your DH wants to go on his dream holiday with his 3 closest friends!

Tilltheend99 · 30/03/2022 20:17

Once in a lifetime my arse! It’s not a holiday it’s a stag do! Of course there will be future opportunities for them to save up and do a once in a lifetime holiday when all of them are in a position to go. If they are really close friends they would understand.

My DH’s BM got married last year and was toying with the idea of Vegas. I was pregnant and basically said no way are you spending that much on a holiday when we have a baby coming. Think I might have even said it in front of his mates.

I basically acted as the voice of reason and it all fizzled out. Not sure they even wanted to go , it’s just the pressure of needing to be seen on the most ridiculously expensive stag these days.

5thnonblonde · 30/03/2022 20:17

@TrufflyPig I suppose I thought for a short period of time the Op taking on extra childcare would show willing to facilitate this break. I suppose I also wondered if given the option of ‘if you want it so bad then there’s nothing stopping you sacrificing your recharge time for it’ then he might actually reconsider if 10 days away is ‘worth’ 12/15 weekends of feeling quite grindingly tired.

ChickenSkinny · 30/03/2022 20:17

@CapMarvel I know it’s an expensive way to do it. I think on this occasion it’s justified. If this were me I’d be moving heaven and earth to afford the trip and would be considering all options, even those which would cost more in the long run, if that was all I had. Some things are more important.

toomuchlaundry · 30/03/2022 20:19

I would have thought food and heat was more important than a stag do to Canada.

maryberryslayers · 30/03/2022 20:19

Why not agree he can go if he raises £600 before the trip. Selling old things, take on some extra work, odd jobs for people etc etc

If it's his absolute dream holiday and probably the only chance he'll get to do it with his friends it would be a shame for him to miss out.

5thnonblonde · 30/03/2022 20:20

@toomuchlaundry ah pipe down, OP lives pain free she can’t demand to be warm and nourished too! Grin

TrufflyPig · 30/03/2022 20:22

@5thnonblonde I suppose it depends on their support network, maybe I'm just speaking from my own experiences, I have two small children with limited support and my DH works a second job (to afford essentials not for fun). It's really hard for both of us I couldn't for one second imagine doing it so one of us could go away for 10 days by themselves.

NeedleNoodle3 · 30/03/2022 20:22

I bet all four of them are having the same conversation with their partners. It reminds me of when DC say all my friends have one/stay up later than me.
He can his holiday of a lifetime when his DC are grown up. 10 days is ridiculous.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/03/2022 20:23

@CapMarvel. Personally I think it’s incredibly presumptuous of the stag that everyone can afford this level of expenditure— you could have a very very similar holiday to this in Scotland or Wales for just a week or even Sweden if you were pushing the boat out for less money. We all think differently about things like debt though and I would rather have a bit more longer term debt - but a decent sized cushion —my own view is the OP should have looked at options like this too to fund the operation rather than leave no savings but what’s done is done and to be frank when I’ve been in pain I haven’t always thought logically.

NewbieDivergent · 30/03/2022 20:23

I think I'd agree to this as a one off once in a lifetime trip,as long as saving for a family trip was then made priority.He was totally in the wrong to mention the money spent on surgery as an argument for the trip.

HardyBuckette · 30/03/2022 20:24

I suppose I also wondered if given the option of ‘if you want it so bad then there’s nothing stopping you sacrificing your recharge time for it’ then he might actually reconsider if 10 days away is ‘worth’ 12/15 weekends of feeling quite grindingly tired.

I can see what you're getting at there. Only thing is, it's a lot to then ask of OP to do all the childcare stuff and inevitably more housework solo while he's sacrificing his recharging time. In addition to the 10 days away, with annual leave presumably being a precious resource in a 2 x FT working parent household.

KosherDill · 30/03/2022 20:24

@TrufflyPig

I dont get all the posts suggesting he get a second job. Him working more hours places additional childcare and household labour on OP (I'd argue that is more stressful than my actual job). He gets a 10 day holiday for his efforts.

What does OP get in return? I doubt surgery was a 10 day jolly for her. Does she get a 10 day break by herself?

He's not a poor little boy who can't have a toy in the shop, he's a grown up who should realise that it's selfish to put his family in this position. Some of my mates have more disposable income and better childcare support than me, they get to do nice things quite often with each other, I don't. Such is life.

I guess she gets the pleasure of knowing the man she loves (?) is having a once-in-a-lifetime experience with old friends.

Punitively reminding him he's "not a poor little boy who can't have a toy" is really going to make him feel great about his family obligations, isn't it? Especially as he gets the texts and messages from the mates on the trip.

I'd rather be thought of as the spouse who shares our combined savings rather than the one who believes "it's fine for me but not for thee..."

Blossomtoes · 30/03/2022 20:25

I bet all four of them are having the same conversation with their partners

I bet they’re not. I bet three of them are with women like the many on this thread who disagree with OP.

Batshitkerazy · 30/03/2022 20:25

@Blackbird2020

OP - you’ve not said if a loan or an overdraft to cover the stag do expenses would be a possibility for your family?
Take out a loan for a stag do?! I’ve heard it all now

I am constantly reading on mumsnet how outrageous it is for brides to expect people to fork out for extravagant foreign hen dos. Seems to be a big u-turn here!

SickAndTiredAgain · 30/03/2022 20:31

I cannot believe the number of people who are suggesting getting in to debt for this trip!!

sweepeep · 30/03/2022 20:32

Anyone who thinks it's ok to spend the last of your families savings in the current climate has got to be stupid!! Seriously some people are suggesting shockingly bad solutions...overdrafts, mortgage extensions, loans etc what a joke!!

5thnonblonde · 30/03/2022 20:33

@HardyBuckette actually I’d entirely overlooked the 10 days annual leave which in our house with 2 kids at diff schools with diff hols would indeed make it a very hard no for the next few years. I’d be cross he’d even ask tbh and put me in the position of saying No when it’s not really my decision but a reality of our current responsibilities.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 30/03/2022 20:34

Did everyone miss the OG post?! They have £2k to their name. You are all out your mind to wipe that plus some for a holiday!

ladyvimes · 30/03/2022 20:35

It’s a holiday. No one is entitled to a holiday it is a luxury and to compare it to your medical surgery is disgraceful.
When you have a family you have obligations and spending most of your joint savings on a holiday for one is selfish and unfair.
Simply put, he just cannot afford to go.

I honestly don’t understand how anyone can say yabu.

ladyvimes · 30/03/2022 20:36

@sweepeep

Anyone who thinks it's ok to spend the last of your families savings in the current climate has got to be stupid!! Seriously some people are suggesting shockingly bad solutions...overdrafts, mortgage extensions, loans etc what a joke!!
I wonder how many of the posters saying yabu are in debt themselves.
Mickarooni · 30/03/2022 20:36

If push came to shove, I wonder how many posters on here would actually risk their children’s wellbeing and financial security for one adult to go on a once-in-a-lifetime trip. If something goes tits up and one of them lost their job or any number of unexpected issues cropped up, £2k would ensure the kids are fed and clothed for a while.

HardyBuckette · 30/03/2022 20:38

@Blossomtoes

I bet all four of them are having the same conversation with their partners

I bet they’re not. I bet three of them are with women like the many on this thread who disagree with OP.

Well, at least one of them is wadded. And a number of the people disagreeing with the OP are evidently not short of money either, given the suggestions that it could come out of his spends and that they're bound to be able to save the sum up by trimming the fat. So possibly.
Blossomtoes · 30/03/2022 20:38

I wonder how many of the posters saying yabu are in debt themselves

Nope. But virtually all our money’s tied up in long term investments. Big items get bought on 0% credit. It’s called financial management.