To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

@WombatChocolate Again, you’re completely discounting his feelings, literally valuing them at nothing. You’re also discounting the fact that they do actually have the money but his wife has apparently decided that only she has any say over how it’s spent!

Of course you can live your life on the basis that it’s wise to hoard every penny against some future unforeseen disaster. What you can’t do is force other adults to go along with that sort of miserly existence. They should each have a say over what happens to their savings.

I wouldn't stop him going. As you say, it's his dream holiday and with his best friends.

Sounds like you really want a family holiday though (and I don't blame you) so maybe thats the compromise here...

It’s not a compromise though. It’s actually the worst option. He can’t have his trip of a lifetime with his lifelong mates so he gets a week in Clacton instead. Talk about rubbing salt in the wound.

It is unreasonable of him to compare the surgery to this trip. It might help the both of you if you both are able to set that aside entirely -- it's paid for, the surgery is complete, it was a medical expense, it's done.

The trip sounds amazing and important to your DH and I can also understand why you do not want your savings run down. When is the trip? Can you do something like a 50-50 agreement, that he makes half of the money from somewhere (extra part-time job or overtime, cutting back elsewhere or selling some things he owns) and takes half from savings?

He is being really selfish and unreasonable. It’s not like you can pay for this comfortably without affecting family finances, it would be irresponsible to wipe out your savings.

Do you have decent equity OP ? as to be honest If you do I would be putting 15k on the mortgage , letting him go with 2k , have a modest family holiday or one with your kids for a couple of K and banging around 10k into your emergency fund, so you felt less insecure and - for genuine emergencies!!! I don’t think he could’ve quibble about this if you genuinely can’t really afford this kind of expenditure after your operation. In fact I would probably split the surplus between you into separate accounts. My reasoning is that it would only put around £80 a month or so on the average mortgage at relatively low interest and probably give you a better cushion— i would however not expect it to be the kind of thing he kept wanting to repeat every few years unless the income levels improved and left a lot more spare cash monthly. Obviously it’s only relevant if you have that kind of equity

@Coffeepot72

When women on here post about their friends expecting everyone to shell out hundreds for a hen party, it gets called ridiculous. This stag-do sounds amazing for the husband but its money they don't really have to spare. I think it is actually quite misogynistic for a man to use endometriosis surgery against the OP, a pain he will never go through. That was a necessity, this holiday isn't. A 10 day stag party in Canada just sounds ridiculous and he will absolutely be paying for things when he's there because the mates won't let the stag pay for everything, especially when they can afford to pay their own way.

This ^ And I agree a 10 day stag in Canada is ridiculous, unless ALL participants are minted.

Exactly the double standard is galling.

If the situation were reversed ofcourse the husband should have surgery and she would be considered crazy to spend family savings on a holiday for herself with friends, much less a hen-do.

Yet, heaven forbid a husband loses out on something despite having a commitment to his family.

And a lot of posters on this thread are not taking endometriosis seriously, because it is a female only condition. Women are just expected to live witgh debilitating pain and suck it up.

I wish I could link all the threads where women have posted 'don't go' to other women who have said they can't afford to go on a £300 hen do.

I would like to know if the H is the sole breadwinner and how often he gets to spend anything significant on himself.

@KosherDill

I would like to know if the H is the sole breadwinner and how often he gets to spend anything significant on himself.

OP says they both work FT.

Could you compromise and offer to do solo childcare for however many nights/weekends it’d take him to get together £1k doing nights at a supermarket or deliveroo cycling or whatever? It’s probably less than 15ish night shifts so if he did one a fortnight until October you’d be there?

The surgery definately comes under a justifiable use of emergency money.

Going on holiday does not. You cannot in any way compare the two and it's a total dick move to do so. £2k as an emergency fund covers maybe your boiler packing up or you needing roof repairs and that's it, and I certainly wouldn't decimate such a thin safety net for a holiday and I certainly wouldn't take out any form of debt to pay for it either.

That said, for the sake of family harmony you do need to sit down and try your best to work out a way to find the money somehow, both to enable the holiday and to get some more savings into the bank afterwards.

@Crikeyalmighty they’d be better off with a loan than banging extra on to the mortgage. Either way they still can’t afford the payments.

@Crikeyalmighty

Do you have decent equity OP ? as to be honest If you do I would be putting 15k on the mortgage , letting him go with 2k , have a modest family holiday or one with your kids for a couple of K and banging around 10k into your emergency fund, so you felt less insecure and - for genuine emergencies!!! I don’t think he could’ve quibble about this if you genuinely can’t really afford this kind of expenditure after your operation. In fact I would probably split the surplus between you into separate accounts. My reasoning is that it would only put around £80 a month or so on the average mortgage at relatively low interest and probably give you a better cushion— i would however not expect it to be the kind of thing he kept wanting to repeat every few years unless the income levels improved and left a lot more spare cash monthly. Obviously it’s only relevant if you have that kind of equity

Yeah, totally a great idea to whack an extra 15k on long term debt when interest rates are at the bottom of what is going to be a significantly steep climb over the next few years.

Two things that sprung to mind for me are why is it necessarily a once in a lifetime opportunity, if the friends are well off and therefore could reasonably do similar in the future? I suppose it's possible they may not want to repeat the same experience, or can't take the time off from their families (twice)

Also, I've noticed that posters have mentioned the husband being resentful and it impacting the relationship if he doesn't go, but I didn't read (but may have missed) the point that OP may feel resentful cutting back on an already tight budget, taking on extra hours or childcare etc for the husband's holiday?

I think I would probably end up encouraging the DH to go in this position, but I do think it's an unfair position to put the OP in, and that she is right to be responsible to avoid debt

I can't believe some of the remarks you've received about the private surgery OP. I have Endometriosis and I thank whatever higher power there is that I am fortunate enough to have an employer with private medical insurance so my surgeries were private and paid for with it.

NB maybe not the thread for it but Cerazette long term with no breaks has successfully kept away any Endo flare ups for me for 10+ years.

If I hadn't had the surgery I would likely have lost my job and my marriage. I was in such pain every 18-20 days that I could hardly function. You did what you had to do OP.

So back to the trip. It isn't costing £2k. Realistically a 10 day trip to Canada with spends will be at least £3k, more like £4k if they mostly eat out. But if he doesn't go he resents you forever.

I'd tell him to go but put it on a 0% interest card. There must be some way he can shave some living expenses and/or earn a bit extra.But it's up to him how to figure the repayments and I would want an apology for the surgery cost remark to remain married to him ( although plainly some on this thread think that Endo surgery is the equivalent of a fortnight in Barbados).

YABU. If it was my DH, I would ensure he went because it’s a pretty spectacular trip for him. Much better than pissing money away in some Eastern European country for a standard stag do. And we would work together to get him there. And I know he would do the same for me. But that’s us. It doesn’t have to be black and white, tit for tat.

He obviously loves you and was willing to part with his chunk of the savings for you. He could have banged on about boilers and broken cars and made you wait for the NHS. But he didn’t. Let him go.

Also, Canada is an extremely expensive destination from Europe, just meals/drinks will be quite costly.

@limitedperiodonly

Such excellent budgeting tips on this thread. Has anyone suggested a paper round yet?

Or take in ironing

@Crikeyalmighty Excellent idea, and if they can’t afford higher payments they can adjust the term.

It’s an expensive way of doing it but life is happening now. You don’t get another go. The value of this trip (and of the family holiday and emergency fund) seems much higher to me than 15k plus interest.

Oh sorry I didn't read OP properly, I see that the stag is covering all drinks and meals. Puts a slightly different spin on it as overall cost is contained.

So many red flags. YANBU, and I can't believe your DH is pushing to go, when it's clear he can't afford it. It will cost more - there are little costs everywhere that will add up. If he wants to go, he should find a way to earn some extra money to pay up for the trip. Don't put it in the credit card, you'll end up in debt as living costs are only going to increase.

And I can't believe he is using a surgery against you!

YABU - I think he should go on the holiday.

[quote ChickenSkinny]@Crikeyalmighty Excellent idea, and if they can’t afford higher payments they can adjust the term.

It’s an expensive way of doing it but life is happening now. You don’t get another go. The value of this trip (and of the family holiday and emergency fund) seems much higher to me than 15k plus interest.[/quote]
Yeah, add an extra 15k AND increase the term so they are paying thousands extra in interest on the entire debt!

Please don't ever go into financial advice.

I dont get all the posts suggesting he get a second job. Him working more hours places additional childcare and household labour on OP (I'd argue that is more stressful than my actual job). He gets a 10 day holiday for his efforts.

What does OP get in return? I doubt surgery was a 10 day jolly for her. Does she get a 10 day break by herself?

He's not a poor little boy who can't have a toy in the shop, he's a grown up who should realise that it's selfish to put his family in this position. Some of my mates have more disposable income and better childcare support than me, they get to do nice things quite often with each other, I don't. Such is life.