To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

Life is so short. He should go and you should be happy and excited for him

So people are saying it would be ‘incredibly cruel’ to say ‘no’.

Come on! It’s a 10 day hugely expensive stag trip for a family who will be left with zero money and probably in the red for the foreseeable future. What’s cruel about it?

It’s this idea that it’s cruel for someone to realise or need to have it pointed out (and I have a problem with the fat. He can’t see it himself and needs to out Op in a position to have to say it and be the bad guy) that the thing they’d like isn’t affordable. Why is it cruel?

The buffer money is for emergencies. Surgery if you’re suffering could easily be seen as an emergency. The reserves are now depleted and need protecting extra hard. Luxury treats are less attainable for this family than before. It’s the reality. It would have been the same if the boiler had broken and needed replacing or they’d needed a new car. Yes, it was OP not DH who faced the emergency and the money went on them. That doesn’t mean DH now needs to have his ‘share’ - this want spending money, it was emergency money, the stag trip isn’t an emergency by any stretch of the imagination. It gets used for emergencies or not at all, and kept for when there is one…because there will be.

But lots of people would rather have what they fancy and live with the debt I suppose. But these kids probably won’t get a holiday or to go on the school residential or whatever. Op might have to think twice about anything else which might help her health because there will be credit card bills to pay every month.

Sometimes things come along that we would love….and we just can’t have them, ir have to recognise that if we have them the consequences are pretty serious. But people don’t seem to consider the consequences, just that DH would like the trip. I find it astonishing.

YANBU, that is a crazy amount of annual leave, never mind money to spend on yourself when you have children.

Taking your surgery into the "debate" is a horrible thing to do.

mamabr
Money is there to be spent.

I don't agree.
Savings give security. A fall back when things are hard.
Have a car pack in/ redundancy/new washing machine to buy then you are up shit creek within weeks.
Having someone in hospital or a berevement can mean extra transport/taxis/takeaway food.

Having a financial buffer is a sensible thing to do.

If the holiday had come up before your surgery, then would it have been OK for him to go?

Wow what an arsegole. Yes your surgery must of been such a hoot for you, lucky thing that you are! He is being a twat!

The most unreasonable one here is the stag!!!

OP, I can see both sides. I'm sorry what you've gone through. Endo affects 1 in 10 women worldwide. It can take up to 8 years to get diagnosed. There's a video on the BBC website in which a woman says she got collapsed lungs because of it and another who is on chemotherapy drugs to deal with it. Spending £6k on treatment I am sure is not something you as a family took lightly, and it's a debilitating disease.

With regards to your husband, he shouldn't have used the surgery as collateral but I guess he's just frustrated and lashed out. There are many men who would not have used the majority of the family's savings for the wife to have this much needed surgery.

As for all those posters who say cut back on luxuries, get a second (or third) job, don't you understand that people are cutting to the bone and still struggling? It's not lifestyles and choices that are necessarily the cause here, but more than a decade of Tory policy, starting with austerity, that means real terms wages are now lower than they were in 2010, the NHS is being starved of investment and higher energy bills etc - shareholders will still get their share, and that's what we are all paying for.

OP, you and hubby need to sit down and have a real heart to heart. He should just tell his mate the truth of the situation. If they have been friends for decades, then either the stag should change his plans or give your husband an interest-free loan. I think your husband should be able to go, but maybe do some research on what it will really cost for this trip - £1100 sounds just the tip of the iceberg. Perhaps he can pay half and stag can loan him half. Pride doesn't have a place in this.

@Quitelikeit

I would let him go - it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity type of thing - maybe he could take a loan out or something?

Like he said you spent thousands on your surgery - it was optional as you were on a waiting list

YABU

@Quitelikeit only someone who hasn’t experienced endometriosis would say this. You are also a twat!

@WombatChocolate I think it’s really cruel, yes- it completely discounts the husband’s feelings and the fact that this isn’t just any other trip. He will regret not going on this trip for his whole life. Presumably he’s well aware that it’s a large chunk of their remaining savings- I’d take that as a measure of strongly he feels about it.

Tbh, the whole notion of OP “allowing” him to go makes me feel pretty horrified. If the situation were reversed and a woman was not being allowed to make decisions about savings she had contributed to but had to seek permission from her husband, we’d all be up in arms and talking about financial control.

Why would he become resentful if he doesn’t go?

He’s an adult man who knows the cost of a trip like this and the state of the family finances. He knows that people can’t have everything they want and people turn things down all the time. Why would it be anything more than short lived disappointment that quickly passes? Unless he’s unable to have a proper sense of perspective and not behave or see it as a small child might - adults know this stuff happens all the time.

They will have zero money and probably be in debt. That is the consequence. It is entirely avoidable,l. There will be consequences probably for several years as they have no way if rebuilding the security which is so important for peace of mind.

That peace of mind is worth so much more than a quick fling. Anyone willing to throw that away for a jolly, how much they’d lov wit, when a whole family are involved, is selfish in my mind . Wanting £100 or a couple of £100 is one thing - still depleting money that’s there for emergencies, but you’d understand it for a good mate. But depleting the whole family reserves….no!

That’s the entire point, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity to go on this trip with these lifelong friends. The chance won’t be there in 15 or 20 years. It’s literally now or never.

Well no, you have no idea if any of this is true or not. Perhaps it'll never be repeated, perhaps in a group where at least one of them is wadded and the other two appear to be able to afford a couple of grand on a stag do, they might all like it so much that it becomes a fixture.

Literally now or never my arse

@KTheGrey

People with children usually don't behave like they are single. Going off with the lads seems like single guy behaviour to me. The surgery presumably benefited your DH and children as you are now better able to work and look after them etc without debilitating pain. How does spending this money on the stag do benefit you and the children?

@KTheGrey It doesn’t have to benefit them. Not every pound he earns has to benefit him or his kids. That’s not selfish. Just like not every pound op earns has to be of benefit to her kids.

@coldlistened

There is another element here of DH being embarrassed. Obviously it’s his dream holiday which he does genuinely want to go to which is the main factor.

But there is a small element of wanting to keep up I think. If DH were to tell the stag he can’t come as he can’t afford it I can see the stag offering to pay for DH or at least subsidise him greatly because that’s the kind of bloke the stag is. But DH could never accept that and would insist on paying, so back to square one.

@coldlistened Could you discreetly have a word to the stag, and explain it? See if he could come up with some kind of compromise?

I'm really torn on this one @coldlistened. On the one hand, I completely understand why this trip would be so special for your DH, and that if he didn't go he'd be forever reminded of that whenever his friends told stories of what they did when they were away. His friends sound lovely and incredibly important to him.
On the other hand, I think you're right to be worried about only having £900 left as a buffer. Ignore those on here who say you're being ridiculous because £800 is far more that many people have. Exactly as you say, what if the boiler goes, or the roof leaks or something? £900 is really not much at all and could be wiped out by one incident.
I think your surgery is irrelevant as it was for your physical and mental health, that's non negotiable.

But, ultimately, I think your DH should go. I think he should look at every which way to save for it (selling what he can on eBay, odd jobs, whatever). I also think he should agree to stick to a very strict budget whilst he's there, which may involve being kids open with his friends about his situation. But if he can manage those terms, then I think he should go for it. If he doesn't he will be sad about it for the rest of his life. I know that sounds dramatic but it's true.

The chance won’t be there in 15 or 20 years. It’s literally now or never.

Why? Are the stag & all the friends on Death Row or something?

@Theluggage15

He should go. Sounds like a dream trip, stag is paying for food and activities, it’s a great deal. You can build savings back up again. You are jealous, you would rather the money be spent on a family holiday, so basically all the money should be spent on you. I would work out ways to help him go.

She would rather the money not be spent but if it was going to be spent she would rather it was spent on a family holiday because then the whole family would benefit.

I’m struggling to work out why you think going on a family holiday means that the money would be spent on the op

"Money is there to be spent"
"You can't take it with you"
These phrases are all well and good if you aren't living from one payday to the next and have enough savings for redundancy, ill health and emergencies.

Reading some of these replies makes me realise how some people are up to their eyes in debt.

Definitely let him go, he’ll appreciate it, his friends will appreciate it and he’ll remember your “generosity” for a long time. I’m sure later on he will reciprocate.

He also needs to properly cost things.

How much for insurance and visa and travel to airport in uk? Clothes fir the activities? Is he really going to get his mate yo pay if he wants a coffee /beer /pretzel?

No way would it be £1.100.

It's a lot to spend on a stag do even if you aren't down to your last 2k. My husband wouldn't dream of spending that on a stag do anyway. I'd be saying no, you just can't afford it. I don't think paying for an op is in any way comparable, you didn't have a boob job or opt to have some other cosmetic procedure, you paid for an op because you were in pain with a medical condition! He can't bring that into the argument for going.

Some of the replies on this thread do explain why so many people get into debt "it's his dream... life is short" that's great but if you can't afford it you can't go.

@coldlistened

There is another element here of DH being embarrassed. Obviously it’s his dream holiday which he does genuinely want to go to which is the main factor.

But there is a small element of wanting to keep up I think. If DH were to tell the stag he can’t come as he can’t afford it I can see the stag offering to pay for DH or at least subsidise him greatly because that’s the kind of bloke the stag is. But DH could never accept that and would insist on paying, so back to square one.

Let the stag fund him What is wrong with your dh that he cannot take a gift? It s to the stag what 50 is to you

"It's literally now or never"
"Regret it for the rest of his life"

Good grief 🙄

Just let the poor bloke go. It's a once in a lifetime trip and I would personally feel awful if I was the reason he was the only one to miss out. He would also resent you for it forever. And you'll look like an ass to everyone at the wedding whenever it gets brought up.

Sounds like you really want a family holiday though (and I don't blame you) so maybe thats the compromise here...

Iklboo - maybe they are on death row, that adds a whole new dimension, although I guess log cabins are out