To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

[quote ChiselandBits]@sweepeep very few people now can afford to have savings that will tide them over in the event of long term unemployment. Having 3 months salary saved is not achievable now when cost of living has so far outstripped wage growth. There is a difference between existing and living and between realising when something is maybe not essential but very valuable and when it is just profligate waste. I would say this is the former.[/quote]
I would bet an objective third party could go through just about anyone's income/spending and find room for savings. It's just that we have become accustomed to luxuries like internet, smartphone, TV, indulgent food & drink, etc. as necessary everyday items.

Saving is not an option, it's a necessity -- more so than activities for children, birthday parties, a wide array of clothing, home decor, etc.

But it sounds as though this man is the main breadwinner for the family and has few luxuries or indulgences himself; i would be moving heaven and earth to get him on this trip even if it meant picking up an extra job for weekends. And I'd send him with a good cushion of funds beyond the bare minimum costs so that he was relaxed and comfortable. The memories will last him for a lifetime.

Beyond that this family needs to maximize its income or perhaps the mortgage was too much of a stretch, and downsizing the home would be a prudent move.

The thread shows how polarised society is in relation to money.

Some believe you hold onto your security blanket and safety net money and only use it for an emergency (boiler, essential house repairs, surgery could be seen in this bracket too) and that you prioritise financial security for children and do your best to ensure something is put aside if you possibly can (and not all can manage to do this even thought they like to and try hard to).

And others think that if there’s something one person really fancies doing, they should do it, almost regardless of the financial consequences. Even if it means for certain there will be expenses in the next year which will be funded by debt and even when they know there isn’t an obvious way to rebuild the safety net.

Some people prioritise the whim of an adult over having funds for children to have access to financial security that gives them a very different childhood to those who grow up without it. And some see the man as some kind of little boy who is having his expensive ambition denied. He’s not a little boy who has no idea of the cost of his plan or the implications for the family. But he’s willing to behave like a little boy asking for something even though he knows it’s unrealistic and it will make Op feel bad either way. I couldn’t be impressed by such a man who would do this and who doesn’t know when something like this comes up, to just reply to his friends saying ‘Thanks, I’d love to come, but it’s just not viable for us this year’ - and to say this without any shame or embarrassment. Instead he put his wife ina. Position where she can’t win.

@timeisnotaline

I don’t think my Dh would go, but he’s very family minded. Have you asked - what happens if the Boole goes? What do we do then? I need an answer or I won’t be able to sleep at night worrying. What happens if it’s more than 1100 for the holiday? More than 2000? The others will be buying stuff, I’m sure of it. Lots of things here and there - have you thought this through carefully? Is 1100 your limit? Above all, it makes it clear you need some plan to increase your savings. Can you come up with some ideas?

I don't think it's fair to imply the OP's husband isn't "very family minded" just because this once he wants a trip with mates -- who apparently have been part of his life for perhaps two decades or more ahead of OP and the kids being part of his life.

We don't stop being individuals when we are married or in a long-term relationship, or parents. Him wanting some of the family money spent on his pleasure for a change is not unreasonable.

You wouldn’t buy a house or cat you can’t afford. Simple economics.

I’m on the fence on this

Savings are fab if this go wrong

Equally after dh died almost 11yrs ago I said life was for living

And booked a lifetime trip to oz

Tho didn’t have kids then I did have a house car mortgage etc

But also had some savings

Equally the past 2yrs has shown us live life

I would say let dh go

Either via half the savings

Or get a credit card 0% interest if say boiler car went or to put flights on

Not everyone has the luxury of a £2k pot

Savings are for emergency, if you’ve got only about £50 spare a month, you simply can’t afford a 10 days trip to Canada. I’d hope he understands it…

As PPs noticed, it will cost more - he’ll need clothes for the trip and some pocket money to spend there.

Hi OP,
I have just read your posts and I'm sorry if some people have been unkind. I don't see any need for that from your posts.

I think a second job for your husband is a great idea but I appreciate that you have said he has a hard physical job. For this reason I think he should try to find something completely different to his full time job so that he physically rests/changes the strains on his body and a change is as good as a rest.

Delivering for a takeaway or deliveroo or amazon springs to mind. For the takeways he might get tips to add to his hourly rate. Or he could try to get a weekend shift in retail or a production line that is not heavy packing etc. I expect he should be able to earn £100 a week doing a couple of weekend evenings for example so that should be at least a couple of grand after deductions by October (I agree it is likely to cost more than you have priced it at so far so it still might require a little of your savings).

If your partner does extra work this will of course affect you as you will have less support with the kids so it is a team effort and probably not sustainable for the long term but you could agree it as a one off for this special holiday.

It is not about you not wanting him to use the 2K but about not leaving yourself vulnerable without any savings.

Hope things work out for you both.

Is it fair for one member of the family to have a holiday of a lifetime? Not sure DH would enjoy it so much knowing that the rest of the family had had to scrimp so he could go to Canada for 10 days

Yabu, of course he should go. He will likely never get the opportunity. I think it's incredibly cruel to give him a hard time over this. If he had booked it before your surgery, would you have not gone private knowing it would leave you with only 1k savings? If you are really that worried he can put it on a 0% credit card.

YABU

He's being offered the chance of a lifetime to fulfil one of his dreams and you want to scupper it when you can in fact afford it.

Yes, your private health surgery was important to you, but you were very lucky indeed to have been able to afford it and - presumably - be out of pain now. Most people would still be suffering while waiting for an NHS operation.

Also, you're actually very lucky to have ANY savings. Again, many, many people including myself, have nothing to fall back on for emergencies. We just suffer nightmares worrying about them.

Don't be mean spirited and selfish. This is the man whom - one hopes - you love, and who agreed to you using savings for surgery that was available free if you'd waited like the majority of folks have to. Give him your blessing to go, so that he can do so guilt free.

@WombatChocolate

The thread shows how polarised society is in relation to money.

Some believe you hold onto your security blanket and safety net money and only use it for an emergency (boiler, essential house repairs, surgery could be seen in this bracket too) and that you prioritise financial security for children and do your best to ensure something is put aside if you possibly can (and not all can manage to do this even thought they like to and try hard to).

And others think that if there’s something one person really fancies doing, they should do it, almost regardless of the financial consequences. Even if it means for certain there will be expenses in the next year which will be funded by debt and even when they know there isn’t an obvious way to rebuild the safety net.

Some people prioritise the whim of an adult over having funds for children to have access to financial security that gives them a very different childhood to those who grow up without it. And some see the man as some kind of little boy who is having his expensive ambition denied. He’s not a little boy who has no idea of the cost of his plan or the implications for the family. But he’s willing to behave like a little boy asking for something even though he knows it’s unrealistic and it will make Op feel bad either way. I couldn’t be impressed by such a man who would do this and who doesn’t know when something like this comes up, to just reply to his friends saying ‘Thanks, I’d love to come, but it’s just not viable for us this year’ - and to say this without any shame or embarrassment. Instead he put his wife ina. Position where she can’t win.

People's views are probably based on how they would be treated as well. If my 3 closest friends were going on an amazing holiday, we had the money, and we had spent 6 x as much on surgery for DH he would encourage me to go. Sure you need to be sensible, but the security blanket has already been eroded.

@Coffeepot72

And what really upsets me is the idea that men come to their partners with a daft request that will put the family into an insecure position. They choose to out the burden of the issue into their wife, rather than having the balls and financial maturity to recognise it’s just not affordable and be able to accept that. Instead they do a ‘poor me’ routine to guilt their DW into feeling bad. The OP can’t win now. If she says yes, the family will be in debt and face a tricky couple of years..possibly lots of years. Some families really struggle to get out of debt and it spirals. And if she days ‘no’ she’s the killjoy, denying him his fun. Well no, this is all wrong. He’s an adult man with children and responsibilities and he should be able to see it’s unaffordable and just accept it.

Excellent post

There are always people like this whenever similar issues come up on here. One partner wants something that isn't affordable on the family budget, thereby forcing the other to point that out to them, and the person who actually understands and respects the limitations of the household income is all of a sudden the controlling one. There are MNers who actually think this.

@Blossomtoes

What if he then develops a chronic medical condition that needs private medical treatment and there’s no money to pay for it?

Then they’re fucked because you can’t even get cataract surgery on one eye for £2k.

At the end of the day this guy happily allowed 75% of the money they’d both saved to be used for surgery that will apparently need to be redone at some point down the line, yet he’s being called all sorts because he wants to use 12.5% of those same savings for himself. If ever there was an argument for couples to have individual savings it’s this thread.

It is this thread, isn’t it? He’s be away on solo holidays with his pals and the OP would be at home, ill and in pain. What a world that would be.

I think it is reasonable to suggest he’s not family minded.

He’s willing to out himself first and go on a trip which will cost more than the meagre savings they have. He knows emergency expenses will come up - a boiler or the car or whatever. And he knows that they will have to be paid for with debt. He knows there will be less available or nothing for a family holiday.

This isn’t him wanting to spend £100 on a stag night, knowing there is still money for the family and for emergencies. This is an expensive trip which will entirely wipe the family out.

It’s the equivalent of someone in a family which has £50k wanting to spend the whole lot on a very expensive motorbike for themselves. Yes, so what if they’ve always really wanted one and it’s something they will always love, if you can’t afford it, you go without. And life really isn’t ruined.

Why is it that people think it will be such a disaster if he doesn’t go?

I think yabu too. But he shouldn't be using the surgery as a reason. Two totally different things

The thread shows how polarised society is in relation to money

Not sure this is right- I haven’t seen anyone saying “fuck it, stick it on the never-never”. Most people saying he should go are either suggesting ways it could be affordable or noting that this trip is unique and one which he won’t have a chance to do again, and therefore might justify exceptional spending.

It's shitty of him to put you in that position, maybe go on his trip of a life time when the kids are grown

I'm guessing if the trip cost £100 you'd say go for it? In which case I think it'd be fair to talk with him about how much of your savings you both agree you can spare (be it £50, £500, whatever), and how he could save/earn the rest.

Don't take the bad cop role, problem-solve as a team. And if you can't find the money come to that conclusion together.

(And your surgery was a household expense, not a personal one, so it's not relevant.)

Does he have any bits he could sell towards it? To mean a bit less comes out of the savings? Only my DH sold some gaming bits recently towards something he wanted.. I wonder if there is anything he could make a little bit towards it with.

I really think you should do everything you can to make this happen. I totally get all your concerns and of course it's a worry - but please try to let him go and not make it too stressful so he can enjoy this once in a lifetime trip.

There is a fair bit of time between now and then so hopefully he can build up some savings of his own in the meantime - can he give up Sky Sports, or a Costa on the way to work, or meat dinners more than the rest of you care about?

Ignore people saying - 'loads of us don't have any buffer' - no-one benefits from a race to the bottom. You have worked hard and were fortunate to have some savings - and you clearly understand about struggling. Of course you should both agree in how those savings are used - and of course you're concerned about rising costs and boilers going bang etc. You are totally not being U in your concerns.

But I hope you will both be able to work together to make this happen somehow. Life's too short not to, sometimes......

Why would people insist their DH went if it was their dream….regardless of the financial implications

This isn’t a child who has a longing to go to Legoland. It’s an adult man who has financial responsibilities and who knows the score. He knows they will have nothing left. He knows they will go into debt. And yet somehow when this happens he will say ‘but you told me to go’ as if he’s a child who has no self restraint or understanding of money

What is this desire to indulge the man and sense of a devastating disappointment if they are left to work out for themselves it’s nit affordable or the woman sugggests the reality if they really can’t see it

Some of the people who won’t be able to afford their heating bills after April will have made choices like this. Some will see their mortgage payments rocket soon when interest payments rise and wonder why things are so hard and why the government isn’t helping them…and forget they made a foolish choice and spent their buffer money on a trip

It’s this idea that somehow we should all have the thing we most want and that it’s wrong to be denied it and we should have it whatever the cost..it’s this which is the cultural direction that is causing so many problems

If this was a single man living alone, doing this would still be daft, but only he would lose out. But here it’s the whole family. There is no windfall they know is coming or method to rebuild the money in a few weeks. That’s why it’s a selfish and idiotic choice

I’m amazed by the women in this thread supporting the idea. It’s an infantilising of men and their desires. It’s a treating them like children in an indulgent way, that means it’s not possible or wrong to say ‘no’ to a whim…with the fear the woman will be disliked for it, or have a sneaking feeling they’ve somehow disappointed the man

But why’s he even asking? Why’s he saying this is a trip that costs £1k. Either he’s a financial idiot or he knows it’s likely to be £3k and generate debt as well as wiping out the savings and isn’t willing to be honest about it. Why’s he putting the decision into his wife rather than hearing about it and doing the grown up thing and simply coming home to tell her he’s turned down the offer if the trip. And why aren’t all these women on here not calling him out for this…and each other for suggesting the family should go into debt for this

Sorry, but this is the most disappointing thing thread in terms if comments from women. And they keep on coming

100% bloody spot on.
All those saying they'd be fine with this are either lying or big earners.

@Momicrone

It's shitty of him to put you in that position, maybe go on his trip of a life time when the kids are grown

That’s the entire point, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity to go on this trip with these lifelong friends. The chance won’t be there in 15 or 20 years. It’s literally now or never.

Money is there to be spent. You're not going to be looking back on life and thinking about the money you saved. Let him go, let him enjoy it. I doubt he's going to get this opportunity again and there's a chance in the future that maybe the roles will be reversed and you'll be in this position.

Just enjoy life.

The more I think about this thread the more I keep switching sides in my mind.

OP could you have got through the Endo without him? Could you have got through the surgery without him and the recovery?

What would he say if this was the other way around and he'd spend £6000 on something he needed and then you needed money for a break?

You say this is once in a lifetime - but you being unwell isn't. Do you think he might become resentful?

As a complete aside, you need to discuss how to increase your earnings as a family