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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
CoffeeAlwaysTired · 30/03/2022 19:09

Is there anything he can sell to help fund this holiday /replenish your savings ?

Coffeepot72 · 30/03/2022 19:09

When women on here post about their friends expecting everyone to shell out hundreds for a hen party, it gets called ridiculous. This stag-do sounds amazing for the husband but its money they don't really have to spare. I think it is actually quite misogynistic for a man to use endometriosis surgery against the OP, a pain he will never go through. That was a necessity, this holiday isn't. A 10 day stag party in Canada just sounds ridiculous and he will absolutely be paying for things when he's there because the mates won't let the stag pay for everything, especially when they can afford to pay their own way.

This ^ And I agree a 10 day stag in Canada is ridiculous, unless ALL participants are minted.

Guineapigssweak · 30/03/2022 19:10

I totally get why you are worried to not have a buffer if something goes wrong. Things do go wrong all the time so you need to have back up money. I'm sure you have to go without OP as not having spare funds and that is life. Your Husband needs to support you and say no to stag. Or Private fund it himself x

HardyBuckette · 30/03/2022 19:11

[quote ChiselandBits]@HardyBuckette yes but the associations of "stag do" are not accurate for this trip. I would 100% be on board with the OP if it was a large group of casual mates doing some stupid drunken shit in Prague, but this is different. They might have planned this to celebrate the year they all turn 30 /40 or whatever. The "stag" bit is contributing I think, to some of the very negative responses toward the trip.
As to where the OPs trip is, that can come in time. If she's so concerned about a lack of savings, she wouldn't be spending it on any kind of holiday for any of them anyway. The DH should work out a way to save it back, which is doable with a bit of imagination.[/quote]
The associations of stag do are that it's a stag do, which it is. It's a completely accurate term to use, and the connotations you've come up with are yours alone.

And again, whatever it's called, they can't afford it. You can't just assert that them saving it back is doable with a bit of imagination. That would require more information about their finances than we've been given, and what we have been told combined with the fact that basic living costs are likely to rise by several percent this year suggests otherwise.

BoredZelda · 30/03/2022 19:11

op was in pain and felt suicidal fgs!

Also the case for many who don't have 6k in savings.

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 19:12

@BoredZelda

op was in pain and felt suicidal fgs!

Also the case for many who don't have 6k in savings.

So she should have just sucked it up?
ChiselandBits · 30/03/2022 19:13

@sweepeep very few people now can afford to have savings that will tide them over in the event of long term unemployment. Having 3 months salary saved is not achievable now when cost of living has so far outstripped wage growth. There is a difference between existing and living and between realising when something is maybe not essential but very valuable and when it is just profligate waste. I would say this is the former.

timeisnotaline · 30/03/2022 19:14

I don’t think my Dh would go, but he’s very family minded. Have you asked - what happens if the Boole goes? What do we do then? I need an answer or I won’t be able to sleep at night worrying. What happens if it’s more than 1100 for the holiday? More than 2000? The others will be buying stuff, I’m sure of it. Lots of things here and there - have you thought this through carefully? Is 1100 your limit?
Above all, it makes it clear you need some plan to increase your savings. Can you come up with some ideas?

WombatChocolate · 30/03/2022 19:15

It doesn’t matter if it’s a stag or a culturally enriching educational trip. They can’t afford it.

Going in the trip will cost far in excess of what he’s said and leave them in debt. It’s not essential. Therefore it’s a poor choice of the family reserves.

The whole point of reserves is that they remain in place for emergencies. Those emergencies WILL happen. The boiler will break down or some other maintenance issue costing several thousand will occur at some point. The car will need replacing, money will be NEEDED rather than wanted for something. And without the buffer you have to go into debt and pay interest etc.

But I guess the thing this thread shows is that debt is a lifestyle choice for some people. It’s run up to pay for a holiday or a treat, rather than for necessities. This trip will probably tip the family into the red as it will cost more than £2k. If by some freak it doesn’t, the next small crisis the famiky faces will do. But I guess DH will say then that it’s the boiler, not the stag do that drove them into debt. Somehow he won’t see the connection between this choice now and the consequence in perhaps 6 months or a year or whenever.

This shows lots of people prefer to prioritise an immediate non-essential spend, rather than a little bit of financial security. I find that depressing when children are involved. People would rather say ‘yes, have your treat’ to their selfish or rather foolish DH and leave their kids without a summer holiday either this year, or perhaps next year becaue it will be by then the debt is biting. Or perhaps they will have to wear their shoes that are falling apart for a bit longer because the money isn’t there.

It’s about priorities isn’t it. A level of financial security for people with family should be a bigger priority. But for heaps of people on here, it clearly isn’t.

And what really upsets me is the idea that men come to their partners with a daft request that will put the family into an insecure position. They choose to out the burden of the issue into their wife, rather than having the balls and financial maturity to recognise it’s just not affordable and be able to accept that. Instead they do a ‘poor me’ routine to guilt their DW into feeling bad. The OP can’t win now. If she says yes, the family will be in debt and face a tricky couple of years..possibly lots of years. Some families really struggle to get out of debt and it spirals. And if she days ‘no’ she’s the killjoy, denying him his fun. Well no, this is all wrong. He’s an adult man with children and responsibilities and he should be able to see it’s unaffordable and just accept it.

There are things we’d all like. Having a grasp of the fact that not having all of them or even many sometimes is the reality if life and doesn’t actually ruin your life is sort of being a grown up.

If he doesn’t go, life really won’t end. The idea that the relationship will be ruined is crazy…a relationship strength isn’t based on someone always saying ‘yes’ to daft requests. If he doesn’t go, he will be a bit sad and feel he’s missed out. Hey ho….in what world is that a catastrophe? Only in a world where adults are like children and can’t bear to hear a no and can’t cope with it.

Why aren’t people thinking just a bit more long term about this and the consequences. They have no ability to replace this money. It makes it even more vital to hang onto it. I guess it just shows that lots of people see that contingency money as spending money really and actually zero or debt is the default position.

ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 19:15

@Pumperthepumper

Yes I do think that her spending the money was reckless as well as I'll throughout as she's now not having any treatment. And that's the only way to have benefitted from the surgery in the longterm.

Having a lap without a treatment plan is literally pissing the money up the wall and a temporary, very temporary solution.

Coffeepot72 · 30/03/2022 19:15

When DH was with his first wife, they had 2 small children and zero spare cash. So I just asked for his opinion on this thread and he thinks it would be very selfish to spend all that money on a stag and leave the family financially exposed. I just wanted a male opinion.

melj1213 · 30/03/2022 19:15

OP what are you doing to replace the £6k you used for surgery?

Necessary or not it was the surgery that took out 75% of your savings so what is your plan to replace that money?

If your DH had already spent the £1k before the surgery so your surgery would have been the transaction that took you down to less than £1k savings, would you still have had it? If the answer is yes then I think YABVU to say no now just because of the timings of using the savings for individual needs.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 30/03/2022 19:16

You've said yourself it's his dream holiday. Life is short, don't stand in his way.

ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 19:16

@WombatChocolate

It doesn’t matter if it’s a stag or a culturally enriching educational trip. They can’t afford it.

Going in the trip will cost far in excess of what he’s said and leave them in debt. It’s not essential. Therefore it’s a poor choice of the family reserves.

The whole point of reserves is that they remain in place for emergencies. Those emergencies WILL happen. The boiler will break down or some other maintenance issue costing several thousand will occur at some point. The car will need replacing, money will be NEEDED rather than wanted for something. And without the buffer you have to go into debt and pay interest etc.

But I guess the thing this thread shows is that debt is a lifestyle choice for some people. It’s run up to pay for a holiday or a treat, rather than for necessities. This trip will probably tip the family into the red as it will cost more than £2k. If by some freak it doesn’t, the next small crisis the famiky faces will do. But I guess DH will say then that it’s the boiler, not the stag do that drove them into debt. Somehow he won’t see the connection between this choice now and the consequence in perhaps 6 months or a year or whenever.

This shows lots of people prefer to prioritise an immediate non-essential spend, rather than a little bit of financial security. I find that depressing when children are involved. People would rather say ‘yes, have your treat’ to their selfish or rather foolish DH and leave their kids without a summer holiday either this year, or perhaps next year becaue it will be by then the debt is biting. Or perhaps they will have to wear their shoes that are falling apart for a bit longer because the money isn’t there.

It’s about priorities isn’t it. A level of financial security for people with family should be a bigger priority. But for heaps of people on here, it clearly isn’t.

And what really upsets me is the idea that men come to their partners with a daft request that will put the family into an insecure position. They choose to out the burden of the issue into their wife, rather than having the balls and financial maturity to recognise it’s just not affordable and be able to accept that. Instead they do a ‘poor me’ routine to guilt their DW into feeling bad. The OP can’t win now. If she says yes, the family will be in debt and face a tricky couple of years..possibly lots of years. Some families really struggle to get out of debt and it spirals. And if she days ‘no’ she’s the killjoy, denying him his fun. Well no, this is all wrong. He’s an adult man with children and responsibilities and he should be able to see it’s unaffordable and just accept it.

There are things we’d all like. Having a grasp of the fact that not having all of them or even many sometimes is the reality if life and doesn’t actually ruin your life is sort of being a grown up.

If he doesn’t go, life really won’t end. The idea that the relationship will be ruined is crazy…a relationship strength isn’t based on someone always saying ‘yes’ to daft requests. If he doesn’t go, he will be a bit sad and feel he’s missed out. Hey ho….in what world is that a catastrophe? Only in a world where adults are like children and can’t bear to hear a no and can’t cope with it.

Why aren’t people thinking just a bit more long term about this and the consequences. They have no ability to replace this money. It makes it even more vital to hang onto it. I guess it just shows that lots of people see that contingency money as spending money really and actually zero or debt is the default position.

Yes, debt can be a lifestyle choice for many.

But so is private surgery equally a lifestyle choice.

sweepeep · 30/03/2022 19:17

@ChiselandBits precisely my point...if they spend this 2k then they are on their asses completely as the OP has admitted they have 50 left each month! I think most ppl gave a spend my mindset though to be honest. I see it on here (and in real life) all the time!

KosherDill · 30/03/2022 19:17

Do both of you work, OP? If not, can you pick up something to bolster the savings? Perhaps evenings and weekends so childcare costs aren't an issue?

Trip or no trip and I think he should go with your enthusiastic blessing, not feeling guilted, it's once in a lifetime you need to sort out your finances.

What can you do to boost income? A side gig? The people who watch my dog are highly credentialed professionals who nevertheles earn 500-1000 extra each month doing dog walking, drop-in pet visits and pet boarding in their home. Another friend makes a tidy sum with housecleaning and garden weeding on weekends.

Iwasfeelingepic · 30/03/2022 19:17

@BoredZelda

op was in pain and felt suicidal fgs!

Also the case for many who don't have 6k in savings.

You're right, there is a lot of people who don't have 6k in savings, but the OP and her DH did, and together they decided it was money worth spending. It might be a trip of a life time, but it doesn't compare to being in pain & feeling suicidal. I know my DH would spend £6k if it made my health better, even if it was just for a year or so.
RishiRich · 30/03/2022 19:17

I think he should go, but he needs to work out how to find it without touching your emergency fund.

Coffeepot72 · 30/03/2022 19:19

And what really upsets me is the idea that men come to their partners with a daft request that will put the family into an insecure position. They choose to out the burden of the issue into their wife, rather than having the balls and financial maturity to recognise it’s just not affordable and be able to accept that. Instead they do a ‘poor me’ routine to guilt their DW into feeling bad. The OP can’t win now. If she says yes, the family will be in debt and face a tricky couple of years..possibly lots of years. Some families really struggle to get out of debt and it spirals. And if she days ‘no’ she’s the killjoy, denying him his fun. Well no, this is all wrong. He’s an adult man with children and responsibilities and he should be able to see it’s unaffordable and just accept it.

Excellent post

littlebird2 · 30/03/2022 19:20

I think yabu. Sorry op!
Yes it's a lot of money. But it's also once in a lifetime holiday to Celebrate his friend getting married.
I would sit down with him and try work out where you can save some money between now and then.

However it is unfair for him to compare it to your surgery. It's a different situation entirely.

crepesncream · 30/03/2022 19:21

Yanbu, I think it's a very big ask. It's not just the money, 10 days is a lot of leave to use up for a family man. Wouldn't we all love to have a once in a lifetime holiday but as is often the case, life gets in the way. I don't think he should compare your operation to it either, two completely different things.

sweepeep · 30/03/2022 19:22

That should say- Most ppl have a spendy mindset

Blossomtoes · 30/03/2022 19:22

What if he then develops a chronic medical condition that needs private medical treatment and there’s no money to pay for it?

Then they’re fucked because you can’t even get cataract surgery on one eye for £2k.

At the end of the day this guy happily allowed 75% of the money they’d both saved to be used for surgery that will apparently need to be redone at some point down the line, yet he’s being called all sorts because he wants to use 12.5% of those same savings for himself. If ever there was an argument for couples to have individual savings it’s this thread.

ChickenSkinny · 30/03/2022 19:23

Genuinely think that not letting him go (horrible phrase) while you have the money sitting there in the account could be a marriage-wrecking thing. It’s incredibly cruel.

ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 19:23

@RishiRich

I think he should go, but he needs to work out how to find it without touching your emergency fund.
No, only if the op is going to replenish the 6k emergency fund given she spent 75% of it!

Let's be hjebst, half that money was his, so she should be bending over backwards to find away to resolve the finances with her being the solution not him!