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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
HardyBuckette · 30/03/2022 18:52

Apologies if I've misunderstood.

latetothefisting · 30/03/2022 18:53

@poohfant

I don’t know if this as been suggested & I know people will say don’t get into debt but for a once in a lifetime holiday would an interest free credit card with a few years to pay it back be out if the question??
If only there was a way (other than reading the whole thread) to see if this imaginative and innovative suggestion had been made in over 500 posts before you came along....oh wait. CTRL & F - yes "credit card" HAS been mentioned 53 times. Who would have thought.
ChiselandBits · 30/03/2022 18:53

I think calling it a "jolly" and "stag" is perpetuating the idea that this is a typical lads trip with acquiantances, work pals etc. Its not. Its a specific trip with specific planned activities that they already do and his lifelong friends. There are ways to manage this and a flat "no" is shortsighted. OP, if you can get past the surgery comment, which was absolutely out of line, I would urge you to sit with a list of some of the options people on here have suggested , and him, and ask him to work out what is feasible. And as a PP said upthread...if this 2k is all there is and no hope of replacing it, what is your longer term plan? What if he doesn't go, it gets spent on a new boiler and then the car is fucked? Debt on its own, well managed, is not necessarily a bad thing. As I said upthread, careful management of 0% cards, and a firm eye on repayment affordability can allow you to actually live a life and not just exist.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/03/2022 18:53

Where are op's trips of a lifetime that she can remember for always?

BloodyloveGeorge · 30/03/2022 18:56

9/10 months - he needs to start saving £50/£100 a month towards it plus maybe some overtime? Sell a few bits on eBay? Then get an interest free CC to put the rest on and pay that off in the 6/9 months.
In other words - yes he should go. It’s a big trip but hopefully you’ll get the same back some day

ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 18:58

@IncompleteSenten
Thousands of women have endo. Myself included as I stated. I'm fully aware of the symptoms and the impact.

The op thought that using 75% of their savings was appropriate rather than sorting the nhs situation and getting appropriate pain medication in the interim. That was, imo, totally unacceptable.

And yes, I regularly collapsed so not underpaying it. But that was not the best decision for the family.

Imo she needs to replenish the savings and he needs to go away. He doesn't need her permission. She's sounding incredibly controlling and as though she is makes unilateral decisions re the finances and family.

HardyBuckette · 30/03/2022 18:58

@ChiselandBits

I think calling it a "jolly" and "stag" is perpetuating the idea that this is a typical lads trip with acquiantances, work pals etc. Its not. Its a specific trip with specific planned activities that they already do and his lifelong friends. There are ways to manage this and a flat "no" is shortsighted. OP, if you can get past the surgery comment, which was absolutely out of line, I would urge you to sit with a list of some of the options people on here have suggested , and him, and ask him to work out what is feasible. And as a PP said upthread...if this 2k is all there is and no hope of replacing it, what is your longer term plan? What if he doesn't go, it gets spent on a new boiler and then the car is fucked? Debt on its own, well managed, is not necessarily a bad thing. As I said upthread, careful management of 0% cards, and a firm eye on repayment affordability can allow you to actually live a life and not just exist.
It's literally a stag though. Using that accurate terminology isn't perpetrating anything other than the fact that it's a stag. And ultimately, whatever language is used as a description, it's a thing that they cannot afford.
KosherDill · 30/03/2022 18:59

He could have made the same argument about your surgery; that it wasn't affordable and you could wait on the NHS.

Standing in the way of his dream vacation with his old friends seems mean.

Can either of you increase income, do some pet sitting, part-time pub work, anything? $200 a month between now and then would help a lot.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 18:59

@Benjispruce5

Just asked DH and he said he wouldn’t even consider going even if it was paid for as he wouldn’t leave me with the kids for 10 days.
@Benjispruce5

What a saint.
I would hope you would be encouraging him to take a free trip of a lifetime just as I’d hope he’d do the same for you

MargosKaftan · 30/03/2022 19:00

OP - whatever happens about the holiday, you need a plan as a couple to replace that £6k and continue to build it because you can't expect £2k to be it savings wise forever. It would be taken out by a broken boiler or a car need replacing. Even worse, you know you'll need surgery again in a few years time and this time won't have savings to fall back on if the NHS lets you down.

Suggestion if he works full time now, can one of you pick up weekend work? There are so many restaurants and shops recruiting now. Could he look at moving to a higher paid job?

Perhaps this should inspire plans to improve finances. If you are aiming to replace £6k or £7k, you need a plan to work towards that before you are in need of that second operation / new car / broken boiler.

BrightonBunny · 30/03/2022 19:00

I think he should go.

Can either of you take on additional work to bulk up your savings?

MsTSwift · 30/03/2022 19:00

YABU. I would want Dh to go. But I work with the terminally so verge on the go for it side. He will remember that trip forever.

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 19:00

@KosherDill

He could have made the same argument about your surgery; that it wasn't affordable and you could wait on the NHS.

Standing in the way of his dream vacation with his old friends seems mean.

Can either of you increase income, do some pet sitting, part-time pub work, anything? $200 a month between now and then would help a lot.

Surely it’s meaner to expect your partner to live in constant pain so you can have a guilt-free holiday?
ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 19:00

@Crunchymum

It's not just the cost is it? It's the fact the DH gets a 10 day trip and the OP gets nothing, other than a huge dent in the savings pot (I am assume he won't be taking another weeks annual leave to allow the OP to have a trip away? Even if they could afford it)

Will you be missing out on a family holiday due to this (or was the plan no holiday this year and this has come up separately?)

Whether she misses out on a holiday is irrelevant. She chose to £6000 of their joint savings and didn't think twice!
Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

CocoLoco123 · 30/03/2022 19:02

Honestly, some people have their priorities messed up. It doesn't matter that it's 'cheap' for its value, it's half of OP's family savings which makes it unaffordable. That's life. There are things you can afford and things you cannot. Medical expenses are always on top of the list. Holidays? Only if you have everything else covered. When you have family you have to think about your family, first and foremost. If you can't do that then you shouldn't be in a relationship and have DC in the first place. I'm amazed that so many women here don't understand that.

Notmyyearthisyear · 30/03/2022 19:02

@Annoy

This whole situation makes me wonder why people get themselves in to relationships… surely you should still be able to do the things you want to do with friends, such as holidays?…. Why do families always have to holiday together?
Families do not have to holiday together. But when money is very limited, family needs should be prioritised.
twinsetandpearl · 30/03/2022 19:03

Agree with previous poster - you dropped £6k on private surgery for a short term fix as by your own admission it will be back in a couple of years and you won't have the money to do it again. Let him go on the holiday. Presumably you weren't worried about having a depleted emergency fund when you paid for surgery. Most people don't have any spare cash. If he contributed equally to the original pot of £8k by rights you have spent £3k of what he put in anyway so let him have the rest for his holiday

ChiselandBits · 30/03/2022 19:03

@HardyBuckette yes but the associations of "stag do" are not accurate for this trip. I would 100% be on board with the OP if it was a large group of casual mates doing some stupid drunken shit in Prague, but this is different. They might have planned this to celebrate the year they all turn 30 /40 or whatever. The "stag" bit is contributing I think, to some of the very negative responses toward the trip.
As to where the OPs trip is, that can come in time. If she's so concerned about a lack of savings, she wouldn't be spending it on any kind of holiday for any of them anyway. The DH should work out a way to save it back, which is doable with a bit of imagination.

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 19:04

@twinsetandpearl

Agree with previous poster - you dropped £6k on private surgery for a short term fix as by your own admission it will be back in a couple of years and you won't have the money to do it again. Let him go on the holiday. Presumably you weren't worried about having a depleted emergency fund when you paid for surgery. Most people don't have any spare cash. If he contributed equally to the original pot of £8k by rights you have spent £3k of what he put in anyway so let him have the rest for his holiday
What if he then develops a chronic medical condition that needs private medical treatment and there’s no money to pay for it?
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 30/03/2022 19:05

I really think you can't say no to this. He is unreasonable to compare your surgery to it though

iklboo · 30/03/2022 19:07

The op thought that using 75% of their savings was appropriate rather than sorting the nhs situation and getting appropriate pain medication in the interim. That was, imo, totally unacceptable.

How do you know she didn't? Do you have access to her medical records?

sweepeep · 30/03/2022 19:07

I can suddenly see why the majority of people have no savings...Hmm

They have dc...they need to have savings and to be honest 2k is not near enough. What if one of them loses their job? Or gets Ill?

KTheGrey · 30/03/2022 19:08

People with children usually don't behave like they are single. Going off with the lads seems like single guy behaviour to me. The surgery presumably benefited your DH and children as you are now better able to work and look after them etc without debilitating pain. How does spending this money on the stag do benefit you and the children?

ChoiceMummy · 30/03/2022 19:08

@coldlistened

The surgery wasn’t something I chose lightly. There were months of discussions with DH and me literally in tears to my GP at times begging for referrals and help.

The reality of my condition is that the pain will come back in a couple of years anyway, and I won’t be able to afford private surgery to get rid of it next time.

I really want him to go but I’m terrified of us not having that £2000 if we need it. If the boiler breaks are our kids supposed to just suffer? If he were to get a part-time job to fund it I’d be behind him all of the way.

No the reality is that unless you're now getting treatment like zoladex, you'll have symptoms again probably as soon as 3 months, maybe 6 if lucky. But probably by 12 months back to square 1.

What a waste of money if you're now not getting appropriate treatment.

It really was op I'm afraid.