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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
AllOfUsAreDead · 30/03/2022 18:32

You'd probably be surprised at how much he'd get for the mountain bike to be honest. If he doesn't use it much, it won't have many if any problems, and bikes go for quite a lot now or were at least. Look up the make of it on ebay and fb marketplace.

If it's worth a lot, sell it and then he's sorted. He can go.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/03/2022 18:33

It would make no difference to me whether it is Vegas or Canada or wherever. 10 days anywhere is stupidly long, expensive and indulgent. Who are all of these man children that feel they can check out for so long? How many married women do you know that go on all expenses paid holidays for 10 solid days?? I know of a grand total of none!

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/03/2022 18:33

Sorry but I think YABU.

19lottie82 · 30/03/2022 18:37

Can your DH get an evening job a couple of nights a week to put cash towards it? Amazon Flex or UberEats are always looking for people.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 30/03/2022 18:38

I don't agree with him comparing it to your surgery but think he should go. After the last 2 years he should grab these opportunities, we all should. I think he could get an interest free credit card, work extra hours, make sacrifices with spending, save as much as he can and make it happen.

poohfant · 30/03/2022 18:38

I don’t know if this as been suggested & I know people will say don’t get into debt but for a once in a lifetime holiday would an interest free credit card with a few years to pay it back be out if the question??

Nillynally · 30/03/2022 18:39

He has plenty of time to somehow make that money. He could do some buying and selling, get a part time job, save... I'd let him take the money from the savings but expect it to be replaced. That's money you share for emergencies like your surgery, not a holiday for him.

Benjispruce5 · 30/03/2022 18:39

Just asked DH and he said he wouldn’t even consider going even if it was paid for as he wouldn’t leave me with the kids for 10 days.

yellowsuninthesky · 30/03/2022 18:40

Stop subscriptions and expensive sports packages" Why are you assuming everyone has these to start with? People who do have anything at all left at the end of the month have usually already cut everything they can

Not always! They think they can't cut further but when they go through their list of direct debits, they find they can.

And then a month later, when they look again, they can again. It's not such a silly suggestion at all. Of course, the OP may have already gone through this exercise. Several times.

purpleboy · 30/03/2022 18:40

@WombatChocolate your posts have been spot on throughout this thread. I agree with everything you've posted.

I just posed this question to DH, his response is that there is no way he would take the money away from the family for a jolly, didn't matter what kind of trip it was, he would absolutely benefit from seeing me spend £6k on my health as I'm his priority.
He also wouldn't want to waste his precious AL on a trip without his family.
It's the response I expected tbh.

I'm really surprised and saddened by some of the responses here. Such a lack of responsibility , and it really is no wonder so many people are in such dire financial situations.

yellowsuninthesky · 30/03/2022 18:41

@Benjispruce5

Just asked DH and he said he wouldn’t even consider going even if it was paid for as he wouldn’t leave me with the kids for 10 days.
I think that's the aspect which would be a deal breaker for me. A weekend, yes. 10 days is a lot though.
abblie · 30/03/2022 18:41

YRBU imagine if he said no that's our savings just wait on NHS to carry out the surgery for free it's 50/50 if it was your money alone I would understand just because he doesn't need it for a medical emergency who are you to really decide on your own as to why he can't use it for leisure?? Tables turned if it was you going on dream hen weekend with nearest friends etc how would you feel?

iklboo · 30/03/2022 18:41

Is 'get a 0% interest credit card' this year's 'cancel the cheque'?

Aworldofmyown · 30/03/2022 18:41

It's a once-in-a-lifetime trip; he should go.

Isonthecase · 30/03/2022 18:43

Wow, there are a lot of people here who have no idea what it's like being incapacitated by pain every time your hormones decide. Savings at emergency level cover things that are an emergency like surgery that stops a family member from being in so much pain they're suicidal. A trip to the Rockies for a stag do isn't an emergency.

CaptSkippy · 30/03/2022 18:44

I am gobsmacked at these replies. YADNBU.

In what usniverse does not being in pain every day equal something as frivolous as a holiday just for him that you can't afford? Your husband is a selfish git.

He can go if he can save up his own money for it. What if he would need his appendix removed? Where is that money going to come from if he blows more than half of it on a holiday now?

Gwenhwyfar · 30/03/2022 18:44

@whoruntheworldgirls

Can he put his share on an interest free credit card? Or the flights at least to reduce the hit on savings? He's then responsible for the credit card bill
Isn't that the same thing? They'll be down the same amount of money.
Swayingpalmtrees · 30/03/2022 18:44

Genuine question: When will YOU get your 10 day all expenses paid once in a life time dream trip op?
Because unless that is also booked and can be paid for equally then it is grossly unfair of him to even suggest this one.

yellowsuninthesky · 30/03/2022 18:44

But some of the comments have me a little baffled. Like people saying “Well if it was X destination I’d agree but it’s Canada so it’s fine.” which I must say is peak MN

It does make a difference. Vegas or Marbella would scream of tack and strippers and at the extreme, one night stands. A trip to Canada sounds like something I'd like to do myself Grin

HardyBuckette · 30/03/2022 18:44

Is it irrelevant? What if it was to pay to fix his chronic back pain, giving him a better quality of life?

Then the scenario would be completely different to the one here, which is where the DH wants to wipe out their savings (which it clearly will) for a holiday. A non-necessity. The point here is that one partner having spent money on essential surgery to leave them able to function doesn't then mean the other has carte blanche to insist on spending a certain amount on something completely inessential.

And actually, the OP says DH does a hard manual job and is physically exhausted. There's probably a fair degree of wear and tear on his back. What if he does need surgery in the near future, happens all the time, and there's the usual however many year wait on the NHS, meanwhile they've no savings and in fact are in debt because he spent the final 2k and more on a jolly?

Bringing a theoretical DH bad back into it actually reinforces the point that spunking their savings on an inessential luxury is a terrible idea.

NeverChange · 30/03/2022 18:44

@coldlistened, I'm really astounded at some of the horrible responses you have received. I have endo too & would spend my last penny on the surgery to take away the unrelenting pain. Ignore those who have commented negatively that haven't got a clue that it's essential rather than optional. For way it's worth, I had my operation 10 years ago & it has never returned with the same level of severity & the pain is now managable so hopefully will have the same luck.

I can see both your side & your husband, as you do.

All I can suggest is asking him what his plan is to make this manageable. Part time jobs aren't possible. Is overtime? What an be cut back/saved etc?

Have the conversation with him from the perspective of how can we make it happen as you would like him to go if possible but cannot see how it is feasible and what are his plans to deal with future emergencies etc.?

I would also remind him that essential surgery is in no way compable to his holiday and that you need him to stop with the guilt trip & never make the comparison again. Good luck whatever happens.

Getoff · 30/03/2022 18:45

And yet here is a thread full of outraged posters telling the OP off for being concerned that her husband is about to spend their family's entire savings (and it will be their entire savings) on an expensive, lavish 10 day stag do

It's not expensive, it's very, very cheap for what he will get it from it. It will create memories he will still have 30 years from now.

He probably won't have another opportunity like this in the rest of his life.

grapewines · 30/03/2022 18:49

@BoodleBug51

I'd be pretty pissed off if DH told me I "couldn't" do something. Marriage isn't a prison sentence.

And yes I'd be pissed off if we'd both saved money and DH had used it on private surgery but then told me I couldn't use some of it myself.

The surgery is irrelevant, it was still spending savings.

Yep!
Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 18:49

@HardyBuckette

Is it irrelevant? What if it was to pay to fix his chronic back pain, giving him a better quality of life?

Then the scenario would be completely different to the one here, which is where the DH wants to wipe out their savings (which it clearly will) for a holiday. A non-necessity. The point here is that one partner having spent money on essential surgery to leave them able to function doesn't then mean the other has carte blanche to insist on spending a certain amount on something completely inessential.

And actually, the OP says DH does a hard manual job and is physically exhausted. There's probably a fair degree of wear and tear on his back. What if he does need surgery in the near future, happens all the time, and there's the usual however many year wait on the NHS, meanwhile they've no savings and in fact are in debt because he spent the final 2k and more on a jolly?

Bringing a theoretical DH bad back into it actually reinforces the point that spunking their savings on an inessential luxury is a terrible idea.

I think you missed the comment mine was replying to.
Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 18:50

@Getoff

And yet here is a thread full of outraged posters telling the OP off for being concerned that her husband is about to spend their family's entire savings (and it will be their entire savings) on an expensive, lavish 10 day stag do

It's not expensive, it's very, very cheap for what he will get it from it. It will create memories he will still have 30 years from now.

He probably won't have another opportunity like this in the rest of his life.

Unless one of the other groomsmen decides to do the same for their stag.
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