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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
shivbo2014 · 30/03/2022 18:14

Yabu, life is for living. I would be 100% telling my partner to go.

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I think he'll resent you if he doesn't go and I wouldn't blame him.

Sswhinesthebest · 30/03/2022 18:15

I would try to make the decision come from him. I’d say something like

“I can’t stop you if you really want to go, but you know my thoughts about it and I’m disappointed that you will jeopardise our families security for a jollie that will be over in a flash. You know that we can’t replace that money and you know what the right thing to do is. Think about it and make the right decision for our family.”

Icebear99 · 30/03/2022 18:15

I don’t have a massive amount of savings, instead I have a 0% interest credit card in case of emergencies, it’s literally shoved in a draw and never used but there just in case. Could you not do something similar if he were able to come up with a plan for paying small amounts back into your savings?

lilroo87 · 30/03/2022 18:15

@BoodleBug51

I'd be pretty pissed off if DH told me I "couldn't" do something. Marriage isn't a prison sentence.

And yes I'd be pissed off if we'd both saved money and DH had used it on private surgery but then told me I couldn't use some of it myself.

The surgery is irrelevant, it was still spending savings.

100% this!
Choppies · 30/03/2022 18:16

How many women on this thread with primary aged children would use 10 days of AL (half an annual allowance when you have to cover school holidays, etc??) and deplete the family emergency fund?

If I was offered the opportunity for a 10 day dream holiday with my best girl mates I’d say no - I wouldn’t want to leave DP skint and solo parenting for 10 days and then not getting any holiday himself as he was using it all for childcare. Women with primary aged children and limited cash unlikely have holidays like this so why can blokes??.

HardyBuckette · 30/03/2022 18:17

@BoodleBug51

I'd be pretty pissed off if DH told me I "couldn't" do something. Marriage isn't a prison sentence.

And yes I'd be pissed off if we'd both saved money and DH had used it on private surgery but then told me I couldn't use some of it myself.

The surgery is irrelevant, it was still spending savings.

If you needed your DH to tell you that you couldn't afford a 10 day holiday to the Rockies when you've about a month's worth of savings and had disposable income in the double figures last month, it would be you at fault not him. It really is pathetic when one person blames the other one for being the financial grown up.

Also, the surgery isn't irrelevant. The vast distinction between the need for medical care to keep functioning and a completely unnecessary holiday is a very important part of this scenario.

Washermother33 · 30/03/2022 18:18

I’d imagine if he’s the decent bloke you think he is on the whole that he’s going to be gutted that he can’t go ( when he realises it ) . I don’t think it’s unsurprising if the thought that he could have gone if there had been £8k in savings left crosses his mind. It’s a shame he said it but we are all human sometimes . I’d say you need to sit down as a couple and come to the realisation together that he can’t go .. unless he’s got a watertight money making idea ! The other side is of course that we only live once and if this is his once in a lifetime for him then maybe there’s a way - something to sell for example ? Maybe you need to have a think what your once in a life time holiday is and maybe you can work towards both if not now in the future . 40th 50th or 60th holidays for example

Iwonder08 · 30/03/2022 18:18

I thin k he should go. It is a unique opportunity and he will earn that money again.

Blossom64265 · 30/03/2022 18:18

It’s not a hypothetical emergency. Over a period of time, an adult will encounter an unspecified large expense. This is especially true for homeowners and parents. It’s not really an if, it is a when. Cars need repairs. Appliances wear out. Children have growth spurts. These things are not surprises. They are inevitable.

user1471519931 · 30/03/2022 18:19

Suggest to him to declutter and sell stuff on eBay to raise funds. I raised over 1k clearing out my attic recently

Wedonttalkaboutrats · 30/03/2022 18:19

YABU I understand your worry about blowing half the savings, but to deprive your DH of his dream holiday with his best mates is a far bigger price to pay. I’d be doing everything I could (along with him) to try to make some extra cash to off set the expense. But you gotta let him go. And be happy for him.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/03/2022 18:20

Why has he even asked to do this? Of course it is not okay to spend so much money on a stag do of all things. It should have been obvious from the outset that this was a non starter.

OtherShopsAvailable · 30/03/2022 18:21

I went in a 'dream' trip with mates in September 2019, ten days, niche hobby, it was amazing, so many great memories.
One of us travels a lot, it barely features in her flashbacks.
One stayed out of the pub for a year, their partner had no holiday, a bit of resentment. Totally understandable and they was the most likely to sneak off and pay the bill and the least able to afford it..
I could afford it, my kids are suddenly older, everything fell into place. I had a great time.
My wealthy friend went and semi bank rolled it, their partner was jealous of the time we spent away.

All of us talked about our next trip. There's always another trip, another dream. Another opportunity. I've missed out on so many dream experiences but I don't list them, I move on, keep a roof over my head, take opportunity when it comes up and plan for the long term.
Honestly, there will be other ski /bike/fishing/surfing trips. It's not something that will never happen again.

WombatChocolate · 30/03/2022 18:22

Why would people insist their DH went if it was their dream….regardless of the financial implications?

This isn’t a child who has a longing to go to Legoland. It’s an adult man who has financial responsibilities and who knows the score. He knows they will have nothing left. He knows they will go into debt. And yet somehow when this happens he will say ‘but you told me to go’ as if he’s a child who has no self restraint or understanding of money.

What is this desire to indulge the man and sense of a devastating disappointment if they are left to work out for themselves it’s nit affordable or the woman sugggests the reality if they really can’t see it?

Some of the people who won’t be able to afford their heating bills after April will have made choices like this. Some will see their mortgage payments rocket soon when interest payments rise and wonder why things are so hard and why the government isn’t helping them…and forget they made a foolish choice and spent their buffer money on a trip.

It’s this idea that somehow we should all have the thing we most want and that it’s wrong to be denied it and we should have it whatever the cost..it’s this which is the cultural direction that is causing so many problems.

If this was a single man living alone, doing this would still be daft, but only he would lose out. But here it’s the whole family. There is no windfall they know is coming or method to rebuild the money in a few weeks. That’s why it’s a selfish and idiotic choice.

I’m amazed by the women in this thread supporting the idea. It’s an infantilising of men and their desires. It’s a treating them like children in an indulgent way, that means it’s not possible or wrong to say ‘no’ to a whim…with the fear the woman will be disliked for it, or have a sneaking feeling they’ve somehow disappointed the man.

But why’s he even asking? Why’s he saying this is a trip that costs £1k. Either he’s a financial idiot or he knows it’s likely to be £3k and generate debt as well as wiping out the savings and isn’t willing to be honest about it. Why’s he putting the decision into his wife rather than hearing about it and doing the grown up thing and simply coming home to tell her he’s turned down the offer if the trip. And why aren’t all these women on here not calling him out for this…and each other for suggesting the family should go into debt for this?

Sorry, but this is the most disappointing thing thread in terms if comments from women. And they keep on coming.

Swayingpalmtrees · 30/03/2022 18:22

It would be a firm absolutely no way from me, dh would never put me in this position in the first place.

If it his dream holiday then you should go together as a couple as and when you have the funds to do so.So selfish.

Stags and hens have just become so ridiculous.

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 18:24

@BoodleBug51

I'd be pretty pissed off if DH told me I "couldn't" do something. Marriage isn't a prison sentence.

And yes I'd be pissed off if we'd both saved money and DH had used it on private surgery but then told me I couldn't use some of it myself.

The surgery is irrelevant, it was still spending savings.

Is it irrelevant? What if it was to pay to fix his chronic back pain, giving him a better quality of life?
iklboo · 30/03/2022 18:25

OP - you’ve not said if a loan or an overdraft to cover the stag do expenses would be a possibility for your family?

OP has said they have £50 a month spare after all outgoings. It's doubtful they'd have enough money for loan repayments and they'd be forever living in the overdraft. Banks aren't so keen on lending for holidays these days.

PoshWatchShitShoes · 30/03/2022 18:26

It sounds like a dream holiday. I'd 100% say you were being unreasonable if you were stopping him from going for any reason other than finances...but in this case, he just can't afford it.

It's a bonkers amount of money for a stag. Even spending it on a family holiday to benefit all of you would be unwise.

cakewench · 30/03/2022 18:27

Ok I've read all OP posts but not every page of other comments at this point, fwiw.

YABU. YANBU wrt your surgery; I don't think it's fair for him to bring that into play at all.

However, I do think this is a once in a lifetime trip and I think your further information about this being a tight group who've known each other since they were small really is relevant. I'd be doing all I could in his shoes to be there.

It sounds as if he will be going regardless (re the stag likely offering to fund it if he can't) so I think what I would concentrate on at this point is telling him he absolutely can't go in offering to buy rounds, dinners for all etc. If there were any way I could hint at that to the stag I would, personally.

Is there no way to bring in more money over the next year?

NeedleNoodle3 · 30/03/2022 18:28

I wonder if responses would be different if it was 10 days in Vegas and the stag still pays for all spends.

Whatagrapefruit156 · 30/03/2022 18:30

If his friends are well off and he explains he can’t go then they might help? £60 off the four of them adds up to quite a big chunk xx

OddSocksSparklyDocsandDungaree · 30/03/2022 18:30

@coldlistened Could he not go for less days? :)

ScreamingSauvignon · 30/03/2022 18:31

I would want my DH to go on such a trip and would really try to work on budgeting for it.

However, OP you are both BU for believing such a trip will cost around 1100 pounds. Double it and you will still be short. There is no way to do such a trip on a shoe string budget even with friends are subbing. There will be so many add up costs involved.

In his shoes I would rather not go than go with barely anything in my pocket. I think he needs to be more realistic about the costs involved and whether this money can be raised at all.

AChocolateOrangeaday · 30/03/2022 18:31

Would you have had the surgery if it had wiped out every penny of your savings OP?

yellowsuninthesky · 30/03/2022 18:32

@Icebear99

I don’t have a massive amount of savings, instead I have a 0% interest credit card in case of emergencies, it’s literally shoved in a draw and never used but there just in case. Could you not do something similar if he were able to come up with a plan for paying small amounts back into your savings?
Slightly off-topic but a warning - I had a letter from my bank yesterday saying they are closing my credit card account because I never use it. So if you want it for a rainy day, use it once a year or something.