Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
Ops1 · 30/03/2022 17:58

I honestly wouldn’t be happy with this and I’m surprised so many people are tbh

Things are tight in your household you have stated. So cutbacks and saying no to things need to be done
It’s a lot of money if your worried about making ends meet or having a safety net for the car or washing machine going etc

OrlandointheWilderness · 30/03/2022 18:00

Yabu

anotherbrewplease · 30/03/2022 18:00

YABU - I'd 'let' him go. How long would it take to save up £1200?

If he's working full time, could he not save that much before autumn?

Herejustforthisone · 30/03/2022 18:01

This thread has - in parts - been awful. Some posters have been awful.

Blackbird2020 · 30/03/2022 18:01

OP - you’ve not said if a loan or an overdraft to cover the stag do expenses would be a possibility for your family?

ListeningButNotHearing · 30/03/2022 18:02

YABU
If you want to be controlling and mean you go ahead, but he'll resent you and i wouldn't blame him at all.
Money and meanness is the root of all evils (and that applies to you).

anotherbrewplease · 30/03/2022 18:03

Sorry OP - just re-read your original post, and see that you''re not able to make any savings at all?

That seems very harsh, and I see your dilemma if that truly is the case.

Bitconfusedhmm · 30/03/2022 18:03

A lot of these comments demonstrate how out of touch some people are (and I say this as a higher earner.) These are your life savings for your family that he wants to blow on a (solo) holiday. Of course you’re not unreasonable. You’re not in a position to save up again.
How does he propose paying any big bills that come in if you’ve no savings left?

Hollyhead · 30/03/2022 18:03

Could he get an extra job at weekends to save up some of the money so it’s less of a dent? What about his other discretionary spends between now and then? Could he give up some of those? If you’re so tight for money you don’t have any then he shouldn’t be going.

And super shitty to compare your surgery to it.

WombatChocolate · 30/03/2022 18:03

I’m astonished by the replies on this thread.

Would all those saying ‘let him have his dream’ let their finances go below zero, for the sake of a holiday for 1 person….when they have kids? Really??

A trip to the Rockies to do do activities for 10 days will cost more than their total savings.

Why is it more important for him to go on a fun boys trip, than maintaining the financial security of his children? Are people suggesting that when they all need new shoes or the boiler breaks down, it all goes on the credit card, so he can have a holiday?

Honestly, is that the choices people are making with their family finances?

There’s no ‘poor him…it’s always been his dream and he will be devastated not to go and totally resent you for not letting him’.
This isn’t about the Op ‘letting him’. This is about a grown man knowing his financial position and making grown up choices for his family. A momentary feeling of regret is okay….but any grown up who lets it become more than that when they have only £2k in the bank is a self indulgent twat to be honest.

£2k won’t pay for a new boiler. It won’t allow a car to be replaced. It won’t cover any kind of significant expense. It’s better than nothing, but it’s barely any security already. But so many people seem willing to blow it so the man can have a thrill and be indulged like a child. But he’s not a child.

Are those of you telling him to go, really unaware if his expensive this trip is actually going to be? And doesn’t that matter? Is it all just stuff for the credit card and once it’s in the red, a bit more doesn’t matter?

There’s another thread running with someone asking how they can get behind living hand-to-mouth and build up a safety net. They’re finding it hard because cost of living is rising and they aren’t especially well paid. But they are looking to out their family in a stronger place…looking for ways to save some money and boost the income. This thread shows them exactly what not to do.

bennyandthejetz · 30/03/2022 18:03

@luxxlisbon

Do you not have discretionary spending allocated to you both each money that he can use for the holiday? For example you each have £200 or whatever a month for personal spending and he would have to save that up for the holiday.

If that is no and you literally break even at the end of the money just from bills then no you are not being unreasonable and a small amount of family savings should not be used on a jollie for one person.

This
Sandinmyknickers · 30/03/2022 18:04

@coldlistened

It’s not a case if we used to be rich and have now fallen on hard times, or have lived beyond our means and are now facing the consequences.

We rented a bedsit for years, saving a scrimping every penny for a house deposit. We also had a bit left after all of the moving costs, £8k.

After moving into our home and having kids immediately after (I was pregnant when we bought) we just haven’t been able to save really. It’s only getting worse with energy bills.

I do mean this nicely, but from everything you've said, if you have not ever had any money spare at the end of the month since having your house and kids and cannot feasibly see how you would make up the savings again in the future, then yes, you absolutely have been living outside of your means. You have a house, car and children which it sounds like you cannot afford. I can understand not having much in savings for a bit is scary (what if the boiler goes etc) but you seem to be implying that you cannot see a way of ever building the money back up again....were you planning on living the rest of your life on the remaining £2k?
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 30/03/2022 18:05

Out of interest... do the other two guests have children?

Sswhinesthebest · 30/03/2022 18:07

If the stag and his mates want him to go they should organise something that is affordable for everyone.

I wouldn’t dream of putting someone less financially secure, in the position your dh has been put in.

Vapeyvapevape · 30/03/2022 18:07

I see soooo many posts on Mumsnet decrying entitled brides wanting expensive, lavish hen weekends/trips/events and telling people to just say 'no' because it's ridiculous to spend that kind of money. Especially when you don't have it to spare comfortably

I know @BlueOverYellow it's madness.

If they are such good friends and the groom knows his financial situation, why did he arrange such an expensive stag do , knowing there was a chance his friend might not be able to go? Surely the most important thing is to spend time with your best mates and not the actual location.

DogsAndGin · 30/03/2022 18:08

YANBU. He can’t afford to go

choirmumoftwo · 30/03/2022 18:09

I think you also need to consider that if the stag do is that extravagant, how much is it going to cost you to attend the wedding?
He's not wrong in wanting to go but I think it's ridiculous of the groom to suggest it

BlueOverYellow · 30/03/2022 18:09

@WombatChocolate

I’m astonished by the replies on this thread.

Would all those saying ‘let him have his dream’ let their finances go below zero, for the sake of a holiday for 1 person….when they have kids? Really??

A trip to the Rockies to do do activities for 10 days will cost more than their total savings.

Why is it more important for him to go on a fun boys trip, than maintaining the financial security of his children? Are people suggesting that when they all need new shoes or the boiler breaks down, it all goes on the credit card, so he can have a holiday?

Honestly, is that the choices people are making with their family finances?

There’s no ‘poor him…it’s always been his dream and he will be devastated not to go and totally resent you for not letting him’.
This isn’t about the Op ‘letting him’. This is about a grown man knowing his financial position and making grown up choices for his family. A momentary feeling of regret is okay….but any grown up who lets it become more than that when they have only £2k in the bank is a self indulgent twat to be honest.

£2k won’t pay for a new boiler. It won’t allow a car to be replaced. It won’t cover any kind of significant expense. It’s better than nothing, but it’s barely any security already. But so many people seem willing to blow it so the man can have a thrill and be indulged like a child. But he’s not a child.

Are those of you telling him to go, really unaware if his expensive this trip is actually going to be? And doesn’t that matter? Is it all just stuff for the credit card and once it’s in the red, a bit more doesn’t matter?

There’s another thread running with someone asking how they can get behind living hand-to-mouth and build up a safety net. They’re finding it hard because cost of living is rising and they aren’t especially well paid. But they are looking to out their family in a stronger place…looking for ways to save some money and boost the income. This thread shows them exactly what not to do.

Spot on.

Absolutely spot on.

He's a married man with children and responsibilities. Shocking that he thinks this is a reasonable request to blow all their savings (which he will do) and probably use credit cards, too, when they aren't in a position to save for the foreseeable future and the prices of everything are going up, up, up at the moment.

So entitled and selfish.

But please ... equate his solo jolly with his wife's surgery that ended the physical agony she was enduring while the NHS lists don't move.

Ratatoo · 30/03/2022 18:10

I'd insist my DH went if it was his dream

PussInBin20 · 30/03/2022 18:10

I think I would agree for him to go as it’s a one off but ask what his plan is for replenishing the funds or what happens if money is needed for a necessity. Let him work it out - if he doesn’t want to think about that then fine but when that necessity happens, you will expect him to sort it.

Echobelly · 30/03/2022 18:10

I think he should go but he should maybe look at any ways he could save up/cut back to help your finances in the intervening months.

SickAndTiredAgain · 30/03/2022 18:10

10 days? That’s a long time to take off work, how old is your DC? Will school holidays etc still be covered if he uses his annual leave on this? That would be a concern I’d have - unless you don’t work or your children are older?

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 30/03/2022 18:11

@Vapeyvapevape

I see soooo many posts on Mumsnet decrying entitled brides wanting expensive, lavish hen weekends/trips/events and telling people to just say 'no' because it's ridiculous to spend that kind of money. Especially when you don't have it to spare comfortably

I know @BlueOverYellow it's madness.

If they are such good friends and the groom knows his financial situation, why did he arrange such an expensive stag do , knowing there was a chance his friend might not be able to go? Surely the most important thing is to spend time with your best mates and not the actual location.

Yes! The elective waiting lists for procedures are frightening. For people living in pain, the impact on their quality of life, and their ability to work and conduct day-to-day activities is vast and all of this affects finances.
limitedperiodonly · 30/03/2022 18:12

I've just thought of another way he can make extra cash to afford this trip of a lifetime. Blow jobs. They pay quite well and you can fit them around your regular hours. And if he feels bad about the stag paying for everything on holiday what better way to bond with an old friend?

BoodleBug51 · 30/03/2022 18:14

I'd be pretty pissed off if DH told me I "couldn't" do something. Marriage isn't a prison sentence.

And yes I'd be pissed off if we'd both saved money and DH had used it on private surgery but then told me I couldn't use some of it myself.

The surgery is irrelevant, it was still spending savings.