To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

YABU

If trip is is Sept and you both work, you will both have the opportunity to earn and save from now til then.

He’ll probably never forgive you if you force him to not go. That can have knock on effects to your marriage and family.

@Snoken

I’ve no doubt the stag would do this for DH but DH would be too embarrassed to ask.

I see soooo many posts on Mumsnet decrying entitled brides wanting expensive, lavish hen weekends/trips/events and telling people to just say 'no' because it's ridiculous to spend that kind of money. Especially when you don't have it to spare comfortably.

And yet here is a thread full of outraged posters telling the OP off for being concerned that her husband is about to spend their family's entire savings (and it will be their entire savings) on an expensive, lavish 10 day stag do because his wealthier mates can easily afford it and he doesn't want to be left out.

Oh ... and doing so while equating the expenditure to OP's necessary surgery so she could continue to function and look after the children instead of trying not to kill herself over the agony she was in while waiting for the NHS lists to get to her in the next few years.

FFS. You couldn't make it up.

Oh girl, we've all been through enough. Let him go! It's once in a lift time!!! I bet he didn't think twice about the money being used for surgery. Make some changes, save up and sell stuff to make it work. There are ways round things to build ions fr cash temporarily. Maybe a second job even x

I'd be pretty upset if my husband buggered off halfway across the world for 10 days whilst I did all the childcare, housework school runs etc to be honest. It's not just the money. It's the time he's going to spending away from his family, the burden it puts on OP (who has health issues) and the chuck of annual leave it might use up too.

Surgery to improve quality of life is an essential use of savings, a holiday is not. Its boring but it's true. I'm amazed he's even considering it.

I don't want to say 'YABU' because I can absolutely understand your POV ... but I would be saying to your DH, OK go and have a fantastic time but how can we save / sell stuff / put this money back in the pot and build it back up again ? Then let him come up with a few ways of how he can replace the savings.

Plenty of time for DH to get a second job to save for the holiday. Night time work at the supermarket pays well.

YABU

Ordinarily I would think no, but this is a special thing for your DH.

The holiday is 6 months away.
If he used the savings to book early to get the lowest prices, how much could you realistically save between now and then?

@Blossomtoes

You’re making it more obvious with every post that this isn’t about the money *@coldlistened*. There have been lots of suggestions for paying for it without touching your savings which you’ve completely ignored.

Loads of shit and unworkable suggestions, yes.

• "Stop subscriptions and expensive sports packages" Why are you assuming everyone has these to start with? People who do have anything at all left at the end of the month have usually already cut everything they can.
• "Take it out of his personal spends" What personal spends? MN Peak Privilege again. Lots of people just DON'T HAVE a few hundred quid personal spends for frivolities every month.
• "Just save 50quid a month" Again, from where? OP has already said they have 50quid left IN TOTAL after essentials every month. This month it was spent on frivolities such as kids clothes. But yeah, tell the kids they can't have new clothes or go to any friends parties for the rest of the year (let alone dream of going on holiday themselves!) so daddy can go on holiday without them. That's fair.
• "Get a loan/interest free credit card" and pay it off how? When the family are already struggling each month and cost of living is predicted to rise exponentially over the next year
• "Get him to get a second job" Ah yes, so as well as working full time, AND using all her annual leave to cover school holidays AND doing the whole 10 days holiday parenting alone, OP can ALSO look after the kids herself every weekend while DH works to fund his holiday. Perhaps the kids would actually like to see their dad on the weekend? Oh and presumably if he's working 2 jobs OP can also take over extra housework because of course he will be too tired and busy to cover that as well. And what's the benefit of all this to her? Nothing!

All the people saying everyone "deserves" a dream holiday sound like x factor rejects bleating about their "dream". Nobody is entitled to their "dream coming true" - most people work for a dream to make it happen. Unless OP and her DH had their kids as teenagers he's presumably had years to go on his dream holiday. That's what your late teens and early 20s are for, going on holidays, spending all your cash on fun not thinking about savings. When you're an adult with responsibilities you have to prioritise those.

@ChoiceMummy

Yabvu and I say that as someone who has endured waiting lists for surgeries many times over the in the lady few decades.

You chose that this was the best use of that money for your needs. You weren't bothered about buffers and utilities then.

His £1100 won't come close I imagine to what you spent.

I think that perhaps now the emphasis should be on you replenishing the savings.

Yes, the op was able to go private for her surgery, while you had to wait to have yours on the nhs. I had to wait for mine on the nhs too. However,I imagine a lot of thought went into whether op went private for her surgery or not. If she had had to wait to get it done on the nhs, there is a good chance that she would have struggled to continue to do her job meantime, which could well have meant less money coming in as wages, or maybe even losing her job if she was off sick long term!

There is no way that the money used for op’s surgery should be classed the same as money for an expensive holiday, which would almost certainly end up costing more than £1100, as he would need spending money, plus money available in case of emergencies.

The main issue however, is that the OP’s surgery still left them with some emergency money, whereas using what’s left on an expensive holiday, leaves them with virtually no emergency fund. I can’t get over you actually saying that the op should now be responsible for replenishing the savings! That is disgusting!

@BlueOverYellow I know. Misogyny is alive and well on Mumsnet of all places! These overgrown boys might resent the wife if they dare stop them indulging in their dream holiday? Unbelievable.

What's your household income?

I dunno I suppose the difference for me would be that my dh would never want to spend our last bit of savings on a holiday because let's face it 2k is barely enough to cover shit hitting the fan situations. Sorry OP!

I don't understand why people are so focused on the Op's surgery. It is in no way comparable to a holiday. Who would want to see a loved one in agony when they could have an operation to help, even if it doesn't cure it forever.

I think the husband knows he's pushing his luck, which is why he's put the onus on the op, so she's the bad guy when he tells his mate he can't go.

YANBU. That is an insane amount of money to spend on a stag do. The groom is the most unreasonable.

Really tough OP.

I am sorry about your endometriosis, it is certainly a condition that needs a lot more attention in terms of the misery it causes.

I also understand your worry about the emergency fund, and feeling vulnerable.

Could you turn the charger versatile around with your DH. Tell him you are gutted that your hard win savings had to be spent on your surgery and you want him to be able to go on this trip.

So how can the two of you build up your savings again, up until the trip and to continue afterwards.

Go through your budgets and outgoings. Pore over the money comparison sites, do all the shopping you can on Cashback (if it is a competitive price, of course). Take a view on anything you can sell. Don’t give him any birthday presents etc, put the ££ aside for the hol. Tell him to do the same? £ back in the account to replenish your surgery costs.

I hope you can do it!

I would be fine with my DH going in this situation. I think it’s a bit mean to say no. It’s not randomly planned timing and it sounds like these are really close friends. Yes the money you spent was more essential but it’s still spent.

I'm also sure there was a thread here this week where people were outraged and saying that £500 for a centre parks hen do was total selfish indulgence from the bride!

There is another element here of DH being embarrassed. Obviously it’s his dream holiday which he does genuinely want to go to which is the main factor.

But there is a small element of wanting to keep up I think. If DH were to tell the stag he can’t come as he can’t afford it I can see the stag offering to pay for DH or at least subsidise him greatly because that’s the kind of bloke the stag is. But DH could never accept that and would insist on paying, so back to square one.

Do you also work ft op?

@coldlistened

There is another element here of DH being embarrassed. Obviously it’s his dream holiday which he does genuinely want to go to which is the main factor.

But there is a small element of wanting to keep up I think. If DH were to tell the stag he can’t come as he can’t afford it I can see the stag offering to pay for DH or at least subsidise him greatly because that’s the kind of bloke the stag is. But DH could never accept that and would insist on paying, so back to square one.

He needs to get his head out of his arse, put his male ego in the bin and blooming ask. What's the point of friends who don't help each other?

YABU. Different if he had only been friends for a couple of years. Lifelong friends, he doesn't get to go, he will hold it against you forever. And cast it up to you every time you spend anything on yourself. And rightly so. It's only money...

Also remind him one day the shoe might be on the other foot... would he be happy letting his friend suffer in silence?
I know blokes like to show off, but they can be made to see reason.

He was unreasonable to bring up your surgery as its not the same thing at all, however, I can see why he really wants to go and I don't think it's fair to deny him going.. maybe have a discussion on how you can make it work best for both of you