To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

I’d look for a zero percent credit card or similar and then save the most possible between now and then to repay it. So selling the bike etc. there’s so much demand at the moment for kids clothes bundles on marketplace and secondhand toys are selling if in decent condition.

I know accruing debt for a holiday isn’t great but there are ways to pay for this without eroding your emergency fund.

I am not a fan of stags and hens spending a fortune on trips abroad, but i think that this being a stag is irrelevant, it's a once in a life time holiday for your dh with his closest friends, i think it would be an awful shame for him to miss it. Yabu

@WomblingWilma

If my DH said I couldn’t go on a once in a lifetime trip like this which we could actually afford but he wanted to have ‘savings’. I’d tell him to get to fuck in all honesty. Not that it would ever happen as he’d be very happy for me to go.

But they can't afford it, so your scenario is completely different to the OPs.

People who have DC in the plural, a mortgage, about £50 a month disposable income and savings that would cover perhaps a month's expenses tops do not have enough money for 10 day holidays to the Rockies.

I'm understanding the once in life time trip. I'm not understanding doing the without you but that's my life we dont spend money on big trips without each other because we equally deserve the holiday
I'm be questionging his attitude to your surgery money

@BoredZelda op was in pain and felt suicidal fgs!

I don't see how you're being unreasonable, no way can you afford it. For a start it's going to cost more (my husband has been on similar and reckons it was closer to £3k). I know it's gutting for both of you but unless he can work out how to keep your savings AT LEAST at the level where a problem with a car or a washing machine for example doesn't wipe you out it's a hugely irresponsible choice for his family.

YANBU at all. As a family you have 2k in the world and not the earning capacity to build it back, of course he can't go to the bloody Rockies for 10 days. It is for essential things. Like surgery.

I think you're being selfish. It's a special dream holiday for him with his close friends. You can afford it

@50DaysAF

I’d look for a zero percent credit card or similar and then save the most possible between now and then to repay it. So selling the bike etc. there’s so much demand at the moment for kids clothes bundles on marketplace and secondhand toys are selling if in decent condition.

I know accruing debt for a holiday isn’t great but there are ways to pay for this without eroding your emergency fund.

Yes, good idea. A lot of these cards are 0% for 2 years. Set up a direct debit for repayment for £40 a month and its up to DH to find that money for the next 24 months. Does he buy a coffee out, or buy lunch? The savings should be his not you and kids though. At the end of the day he is an adult and should be able to make an adult decision about this, and find a solution to pay for it.

@Popsicle33

I think you're being selfish. It's a special dream holiday for him with his close friends. You can afford it

What's the point at which they can't afford it? With fuel costs, it's not unknown for a separate cost to be added later in the process.

£3K? £3.5K? £4K if you really want to engage with all the amazing activities in that part of Canada?

@Benjispruce5

I’m amazed at the amount of people saying he should spend family money on a personal holiday! MN truly amazes me sometimes. Other threads are citing LTB over a pair of dirty pants on the floor!

The mind boggles, it truly does.

OP is selfish?
She’s had a horrible time health wise.
She’ll have to look after DC alone for 10 days.
She gets nothing and DC get nothing for over half of their jointly earned savings.

Only one person being selfish here and it’s not OP.

It would be a shame to miss it. But that’s not a reason to put the family finances in jeopardy.

And they will be in jeopardy. A trip like this doesn’t cost £1k. It probably costs more than £2k.

Boilers do break down, big months for school uniform and shoes happen, famiky holidays and Christmases come along. The cost of living is spiralling.

There are things all if us would like to do or have. It’s just a basic fact that we often can’t have them. It’s childish to think that becaue something is something you’d love, you’re somehow entitled to it, or that it being ‘your dream’ means any sacrifice must be made to attain it.

Grown ups make sensible choices together about their big spends, they dint just think about what they would like but the impact on the whole family. They show restraint when it’s needed. And having to say ‘no’ to something like this is a minor disappointment not a major devastation in life..unless somehow someone is totally unable to get things in perspective.

The man who wants to do this when there’s £2k in the bank sounds like a total child and not someone with any sense of responsibility to me. It’s the choices like this that drive families into poverty who don’t need to be there. And it’s others seeing this choice and thinking ‘it’s his dream, he should go’ without understanding the broader implications, that shows why so many families are struggling more than they need to.

Sensible financial choices - probably sounds boring, but when families and kids are involved, only the selfish or those with zero financial nouse make such choices.

I would let him go, its once in life time experience.

If he can get a zero interest credit card he could put it on that.

I would hate for my husband to stop an experience, especially if it was my best freind's wedding, but I would try and use my own money.. be it from a zero credit card or repay the savings.

@Sciurus83

YANBU at all. As a family you have 2k in the world and not the earning capacity to build it back, of course he can't go to the bloody Rockies for 10 days. It is for essential things. Like surgery.

That, and they've not got much spare now, at a time when we're facing significant inflation. OP and family had £50 spare income this month, by the end of the year they'll be paying more NI and almost certainly higher food and utilities bills too. It's simply unaffordable.

I think it’s absolutely fine for parents to sometimes prioritise themselves- whether for much needed surgery or a once in a lifetime holiday with life long friends. Kids shouldn’t miss out on basics obviously but a family holiday every year isn’t essential. £5 is sufficient for a birthday gift. There’s a big difference between those things and essentials.

I’ve no doubt it’ll end up more than the £1100 DH has said.

Yes the stag has said he’ll be buying drinks and dinners and activities. But you know how nights out can get “Oh let me get this round Dave!”, “Oh I’ll pay Dave!”, or sneaky paying off the tab without host knowing as a surprise etc.

I wouldn't like to live with such little savings either OP. It's quite scary when you have little mouths to feed. I would say to my DH, you can go but the £2000 stays in the account so you would have to find alternative ways of making that money up. The surgery is neither here nor there. It's first of all not comparable to a trip of a lifetime as one is a necessity and one is not, and secondly it's already taken place and it's just foolish to play tit for tat with your savings.

If my husband had done this I'd have told him not to come home again. What about the kids? Are they getting a holiday?

Sorry but I need to ask, why didn't you work on building savings up after your surgery?

@Dixiechickonhols

I think he should go. You have the money. You are both working. Life’s too short. Health isn’t just physical it’s mental too. It doesn’t sound wildly expensive it’s doing activities with close friends it will give him a boost. If he’s otherwise a full participant in family life I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Relationships are give and take.

This. He will resent you if he doesn’t go (there is no ‘let’, he’s a grown man!)

Could your DH ask for a private loan from the stag that he can pay back as and when he has some money? Assuming you have kids in nursery and once it's time for school you will be better off?

Yabu

@Purplecatshopaholic I’d resent him if he thought this was ok.

Could he sell anything on ebay?