To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

I know I’m in the minority on MN, but I’m firmly of the opinion that some independent finances are a good thing, particularly when both partners are earning. I think a bit of financial independence is healthy, and in any couple where there is money for discretionary spending, each person should have their own monthly allocation. Can you organise this then he can save up? So if all your money is joint, split some of it so that you each have some money a month that you can choose to spend or save. If your DH really wants to go on this stag do, he might have to really cut back elsewhere, is there anything he can cut or are you completely maxed out will living costs? Does he take packed lunches to work? Does he have a gym membership/hobbies he could ditch? Do you both have cars, and if you do could he trade his in for a cheaper model? Could he take up a 2nd job without impacting family life too much? None of this may be relevant to you, but if any of it is, is he ready to really make sacrifices to fulfil his dream? If he’s not, it’s not really his dream. I think the money needs to come from him, and if you’ve got an equivalent sum of discretionary monthly money, then you can do what you like with it too!

@MrsWinters

I’m not really sure what the point of this thread is. Your first post asks if you are being unreasonable. The overwhelming consensus is that your partner shouldn’t have made the comparison to your surgery, however he should be able to go. You have then argued with everyone on this board who has taken the time to reply. I’m not sure why you posted this if you weren’t a) interested in peoples opinions and b) weren’t going to take any of the comments on board. If you want a row, go and speak with your partner- you’re not going to achieve anything here.

Hit the nail on the head. Yet another poster who only comes on here for the people who agree with her.

Yabu if they are as close as you suggest I don't think your DH would forgive you if you made him miss it.
I'd be devastated if I had the money sat in savings bit my partner wouldn't let me go to their best friends hen. If one of your hypothetical scenarios happen you'll have to manage it then but he absolutely should go.

Hell no, where’s your £1k holiday?? I think it’s selfish tbh. That could be spent on a holiday for the family etc

He sounds very supportive and perhaps he needs a night out with his mates to blow off some steam. It won't cost £2k for heaven's sake. Or is he 'not allowed'?

A night out? It's TEN DAYS in Canada!

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Pumperthepumper

Well again they are all ‘mights’- car might break down, dog might get sick, etc. The holiday is a definite, his mates are doing it. So none of that stuff would deter me. Not gonna curb myself for the sake of a possible vet bill or whatever. When you’re on your death bed I think you’d regret that[/quote]
The OP says they only have £50 spare a month, yes the DH could save this for the stag do, but what happens when the DC get invited to another birthday party but they have to say no as they can't afford a present etc?
I would try everything to try & make my DH go, but not at the expense of my DC

I cannot believe the amount of posters saying the husband got no benefit from/should be able to spend 'his half' etc etc effectively saying that the only person to have gained from the 6k surgery is OP. So the kids get no benefit from not having a mum in agonising pain and on the brink of a mental health breakdown? The husband got no benefit from having a partner able to pull her weight at home and with the kids, the family get no benefit from OP being able to work and not living with a chronic pain condition? The husband gets no benefit from seeing a person he loves not in agonising pain and tears? All these people who think they would get no benefit from seeing someone they apparently deeply love not in severe pain need to reassess their relationships and their empathy. And don't get me started on the 'well why don't you just have your own personal savings' commentators. Feel free to enter the real world with the rest of us.

I would agree to him going. This is a one off holiday that he will always remember.

Turn it around, consider everything you’ve said ie he works hard, dream holiday etc..I think.he will resent you like crazy if he doesn’t go. He might not voice it but he will feel it.

@Mummytotwonow

Hell no, where’s your £1k holiday?? I think it’s selfish tbh. That could be spent on a holiday for the family etc

@Mummytotwonow Not every bit of money you earn/save has to benefit your kids you know

I think I'd tell him to go- but then I'm not money savvy & £2k in savings to me is a lot.
Could he work a few extra hours to make it up at least In part?

My first thought, is what kind of friend organises a stag like this, which is so so expensive that it either excludes people or will ruin their finances?

This is 10 days in Canada.

It is likely to cost well over £2k per head. A trip like this, especially with stag activity thrown in isn’t just going to be £1k.

It’s not about denying him or being mean. It’s just beyond their means.

Grown ups know when things are not affordable for them and they just say a regretful no.

YABU. Trip of a lifetime, his dream holiday with close friends. I’d be extremely pissed off if my spouse tried to stop me from doing this.

Would you have had the surgery if it had wiped out every penny of your savings OP?

well if he can’t affect to pay off a small American each month, he shouldn’t be looking at expensive trips.

Ditto to shelling out for private medical care.

Yes I wouldn’t be having the kids missing out just to scrape bits together from our little spare income for the holiday.

And a notable point here is I don’t think even DH would have that either.

I couldn’t tell my daughter she has to miss her friend’s birthday for the sake of saving the £10 present money for the holiday.

You'll still be left with £900 - if you called it a thousand it would sound better and you can probably add a little bit here and there. I'd not stop him going but I do think he is mean comparing it to your surgery. If he was in pain every day and surgery was called for, he wouldn't want to wait for goodness knows how long to have it.

But it’s joint savings and he wants to spend over half on himself. Where the OPs “dream holiday” in all this? It’s not a small amount of money I’d even a few hundred, it’s over a thousand and I think that’s bloody selfish. Also, OP will be left having to look after the kids on her own for ten days whilst hubby is off on a jolly.

My view is that he should not go, because the cost will be likely much more than stated.

Otherwise I'd be in favour.

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Pumperthepumper

Depends how old the dog was.

My point is more though that it may never happen, or not that happen for a couple of years. If it does, deal with it then. But don’t pass up on the trip of a lifetime to keep funds for some kind of crisis that may not happen.[/quote]
Fucking hell 🤣🤣🤣

If the stag is that well off, why isn' t he funding the accommodation & flights?

I mean ten days away long haul for a stag do?

If it can't be afforded then it can't!

And when the boiler breaks down and the family have to go into debt, or the next year there can’t be a family holiday, or when they worry each mo the about the credit card bill or rent or mortgage payment or just the fact the kids might need new shoes at the same time…..then will it feel like blowing all their savings on a stag was worth it?

Sorry, but a lot of the attitudes in here explain some of why there is so much debt or people struggling to get their heads above water properly. Why would anyone priroritsie a lovely individual holiday when it leaves their entire family in a precarious position. It’s a total muddling of priorities.

Those who have zero savings….you know what it’s like and the worries that some with this. Some of you remember it from when you were kids and the horrors it brings. It’s putting the security of your famiky at risk. It’s a foolish choice.

I’ve read more of the thread now, and if there’s really no flex in the household finances so this can be afforded without using the savings, I agree with @WombatChocolate. I’d love to go on that kind of holiday, but can’t, and financially I’m really quite comfortable. It’s the kind of holiday wealthy people go on, not average people. The stag is an arse to ask tbh. If he’s so loaded he can afford it easily, and DH is such a good friend, he can help his not-loaded friend by paying for some of it.

If it means you don’t get a family holiday this year yanbu. Parents should go on holiday alone only if they can afford to also go on holiday as a family. Your surgery has nothing to do with it.

@WouldBeGood

YABU. Trip of a lifetime, his dream holiday with close friends. I’d be extremely pissed off if my spouse tried to stop me from doing this.

I'd be pissed off with my spouse for even considering it if we had hardly any savings & were just about covering essentials every month.

@LuckySantangelo35

You only get one life. He should go on the holiday (as should you if it were you in his position). Get a loan or whatever.

If anyone wonders why UK personal debt is now more than £1,767.1 BILLION and increased by £62billion just in the last year.... themoneycharity.org.uk/money-statistics/#:~:text=UK%20Personal%20Debt,including%20mortgages%2C%20was%20%C2%A363%2C582.

Some people are going to be absolutely fucked when interest rates, food and energy increases hit them, but yeah, take out a loan for a "once in a lifetime" (apart from when the other 2 friends get married, and really, to be fair, OPs equivalent 3 hen dos she should really be entitled to) holiday. Then log back onto MN in December to complain that you can't afford to put the heating on, let alone pay for Christmas presents for the kids...