To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

With all due respect you can't pull the 'we've only got £2k in savings card and what if xyz happens' when you used 75% of your original savings pot on an operation that by the sounds of it was only a short term solution and you'll likely need to save for another op in the future.
If it was a boozy week in Benidorm I would be saying no but it's a holiday of a lifetime. Tbh he shouldn't be asking your permission any way. If you stop him from going it may be the start of end of your marriage, I know it sounds dramatic but if DH stopped me going somewhere I wouldn't forget it.

@Pumperthepumper

No way I’d pass up on the trip of a lifetime on the basis that a boiler MIGHT break. Fuck that! Life’s too short

This is why I prefer to have my own savings, each of us, as well as a combined, domestic budget that we share.

I'm always confused as to why couples throw everything in to one saving account. I allows for little flexibility or autonomy. And as such, places strain upon a partnership.

And particularly women, I would strongly advise financial independence from the get go, to a large degree.

OP, if you hadn’t had the surgery, would you be able to look after the kids alone for ten days while he was in Canada?

The stag knows we struggle and is a good guy and I think if he knew DH would use up all of our savings for the holiday then he’d subsidise DH. DH would be mortified and would never have that though if the stag offered.

The stag being aware of our situation is also what makes me nervous about the possibility of DH trying to buy everybody meals etc on the holiday to prove something.

Christ..the OP's surgery really wasn't optional - it wasn't a boob job! Its a shame the DH brought that up as it has skewed this against him but I agree with @Midlifemusings that he maybe means he'd like to see some of the savings he worked hard for as well. And actually, OP, I think a trip to somewhere with his 3 best mates from forever, doing hobbies they already love in a once in a lifetime location actually IS a much more likely prospect than a big bunch of random "mates" of the stag staggering pissed up around some European city and
paintballing / go-karting / eating curry and shaving each others' eyebrows off.

FWIW I, along with many other people, have NO savings. I earn well but I am a single parent and life is expensive. I have good credit and manage it well so everything is on 0%, if a big bill or unexpected expense rears its head. I really think you need to take the long view on this. 1k isn't going to go all that far really in terms of life expenditure. You'll spend it many times over in the next decade on all sorts of boring DIY, car maintenance, just life crap that you'll not look back on with any fondness. There is more to life and this kind of trip is a good example of that. Also, if he says he can't afford it, his mates might offer to cover it for him and that then puts him in a really awkward and embarrassing situation

I know! Stop getting endometrioses!

Oh wait….

What a fucking stupid thing to say.

It's not stupid to wonder how the OP is planning to put the £6k back into savings.

Everyone is suggesting ways for the OPS DH to replenish the £1k he wants to use of their remaining savings but nobody has asked how the OP plans to replenish the £6k she used.

Yes surgery is more of a need than a holiday but if she used £6k of their savings and isn't being expected to start replenishing that money why should her DH be getting stick for not having an advance plan for replenishing the £1k he wants to use?

A stag event being 10 days (no less) in CANADA is really above the league of an average earning UK bloke with kids, wife and mortgage . Very thoughtless of the bridegroom to make this arrangement. If he is so loaded he should pay for DH - he must know DH cannot afford it. So many other additional expenses may occur during the10 days too. But DH may just take the savings anyway and go, of course, especially if he actually considers you had your ''share'' of the savings with your operation and equates it with 10day stag in Canada!!

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Pumperthepumper

No way I’d pass up on the trip of a lifetime on the basis that a boiler MIGHT break. Fuck that! Life’s too short[/quote]
Ok, not a boiler then. Car repair? Phone? Vet bill? How bare would you be prepared to make your life for a holiday?

YABU

@melj1213

I know! Stop getting endometrioses!

Oh wait….

What a fucking stupid thing to say.

It's not stupid to wonder how the OP is planning to put the £6k back into savings.

Everyone is suggesting ways for the OPS DH to replenish the £1k he wants to use of their remaining savings but nobody has asked how the OP plans to replenish the £6k she used.

Yes surgery is more of a need than a holiday but if she used £6k of their savings and isn't being expected to start replenishing that money why should her DH be getting stick for not having an advance plan for replenishing the £1k he wants to use?

Because one is a medical solution, and one is a holiday. I actually can’t believe people would need this pointed out.

They can’t afford to replace the money for the medical surgery. Do you think the OP should have gone without? It’s better for one person to be in pain than for the other one to miss a (solo) holiday?

@Pumperthepumper

Well again they are all ‘mights’- car might break down, dog might get sick, etc. The holiday is a definite, his mates are doing it. So none of that stuff would deter me. Not gonna curb myself for the sake of a possible vet bill or whatever. When you’re on your death bed I think you’d regret that

I have about the same amount of savings as you op. There was a wonderful trip in the Isle of Mull for a week with a famous wildlife film maker that I wanted to join for the same amount of money.
I would never dream of spending all that on myself and leaving dh and dc behind and leave the savings pot dry. Emergency money needs to be used on car repairs, washing machine repairs etc, new beds and such.

I didn’t go…it’s life.
I would much rather save for our family to go away together.
Ten days is ridiculous for a stag do, ditto that amount of money…you still have the sodding wedding too with all the outfits, hotels, presents and travel costs… fuck that!

I mean of course go and have a wonderful time if you have the money to do so…but you obviously don’t. I think he’s being selfish and it’s a bit shit that it’s his dream holiday but I would be putting my family first.

For instance, If we both had £1000 each in our separate savings, then it would be up to DH whether he wanted to risk spending it or not. And for the fulfilment of a 'dream', I can't imagine begrudging him the autonomy to make his own mind up.
It's a difficult one to be sure, because the cost of living now is increasing, and £2000 doesn't go a long way in any kind of crisis. I can sympathise there.
You also mention your surgery, which is perfectly understandable but not quite comparable to a dream trip. However, I do believe that both are integral to one's happiness and wellbeing, so equally important on a personal level. It is probably pointless to compare them.

You cannot dictate what another adult 'can' or 'cannot' do, so get that out of your head for starters.

He sounds very supportive and perhaps he needs a night out with his mates to blow off some steam. It won't cost £2k for heaven's sake. Or is he 'not allowed'?

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Pumperthepumper

Well again they are all ‘mights’- car might break down, dog might get sick, etc. The holiday is a definite, his mates are doing it. So none of that stuff would deter me. Not gonna curb myself for the sake of a possible vet bill or whatever. When you’re on your death bed I think you’d regret that[/quote]
You’d get your dog put to sleep over going on holiday?

I’m not really sure what the point of this thread is. Your first post asks if you are being unreasonable. The overwhelming consensus is that your partner shouldn’t have made the comparison to your surgery, however he should be able to go.
You have then argued with everyone on this board who has taken the time to reply. I’m not sure why you posted this if you weren’t a) interested in peoples opinions and b) weren’t going to take any of the comments on board.
If you want a row, go and speak with your partner- you’re not going to achieve anything here.

Yanbu. I would be upset that a large chunk of annual leave is being used as well as that's quality family time for us.

[quote coldlistened]@moonbedazzled

It was an emergency. I was becoming suicidal, I was in so much pain.

It will come back but I at least have an official diagnosis now so at least should be taken more seriously.[/quote]
I don't disagree with you. You can't equate emergency surgery to a holiday. But if your surgery had cost more and left you with less in the bank, you'd still have had the surgery. So it's not like a £2000 buffer is a non-negotiable amount. It's just what's in the bank and you have, unilaterally, decided that it's to be kept for emergencies.

I had a big back operation on the NHS. It changed my life, like your operation changed yours. If I'd had to pay for it, I would have done but it would have battered our savings. But then if my DH had the opportunity of a £1500 dream holiday, I wouldn't just be happy for him to go, I'd be encouraging him to go. For three reasons.
One, we save so we can enjoy life.
Two, I'd taken a big chunk of savings for me so he deserves some (and a much smaller amount) to be spent on him.
And three, living with me when I was in pain wasn't always easy for him. (Understatement) So I'd be thanking him for his tolerance and help. I'm not saying this one applies to your situation.

At the end of the day, it's his money as well as yours.

He is being vile to bring up your serious health condition.

@Pumperthepumper

Depends how old the dog was.

My point is more though that it may never happen, or not that happen for a couple of years. If it does, deal with it then. But don’t pass up on the trip of a lifetime to keep funds for some kind of crisis that may not happen.

@MrsWinters

I argued with those who were nasty about my surgery and implied I’m a privileged princess who knows nothing of hardship, and I stand by it. Most comments have been helpful and constructive though, yes even the ones that didn’t agree with me.

I think YABU. He should go. You obviously considered your savings when planning your surgery.

I would certainly not try and stop my DH
Apart from anything else the resentment could be far reaching

I’d imagine this trip will cost MUCH more than you seem to think. It could easily wipe all of your savings.

In the end, we can only have what we can afford and sensible people dont leave themselves without any buffer.

If he goes, chances are he will spend another few hundred. How is that going to go down? You can’t go on a trip like this and then refuse to spend another penny. The nature of a long stag is lots of spending money. If you go, you commit to spend a decent amount.

The thing is, it should be you saying ‘you’re not allowed to go’. It should be him saying ‘I’d love to go but I know we can’t afford it’

Why is it that when these things gs come up, the adult who wants to go but knows the financial score, puts the burden on the other person to be the ‘bad guy’ who has to say no?

We have an awful lot more savings than you. I’d still be surprised if my DH wanted to spend what is likely to be £2k on a trip that just he went on. Fortunately, I know he wouldn’t contemplate going on something that would entirely wipe us out.

Sorry but we have to live within our means and 1.5-£2k stags are not within the means of families who only have £2k in the bank. Sometimes you just have to turn things down. It’s what grown ups do,