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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 16:54

@Benjispruce5

There’s been many genuinely helpful, constructive responses that I’m grateful for and I don’t just mean the ones that agree with me. People have made good suggestions to help him go.

But some of the comments have me a little baffled. Like people saying “Well if it was X destination I’d agree but it’s Canada so it’s fine.” which I must say is peak MN Grin

OP posts:
Continentalmama · 30/03/2022 16:55

You don't think his wife not being in debilitating pain with a severely declining mental health and being able to function as a wife, mother and person is him not 'seeing any benefit' to the money spent on surgery?! I would benefit far far more by having a husband who isn't in constant severe pain then by taking a holiday with my girlfriends and if you wouldn't then tbh it's your relationship that you should be looking at.

OtherShopsAvailable · 30/03/2022 16:55

@coldlistened I also sense there's a lot of men on the thread....

housemaus · 30/03/2022 16:55

@JaniieJones

Canada. For a lads holiday when you've only got 2k spare? No chance, but I'd expect my dh to come to that decision himself.

As others have said there'll be loads more with spending money etc and God, if it's Canada for the stag I bet the wedding will be some posh place that you'll be expected to stay at.

What is he thinking wanting to go to Canada unless you've got loads of spare and money isn't tight?!

These are my feelings exactly.

I'd be more pissed off that DH hadn't managed to figure it out himself and was expecting me to give a yes/no when it is clearly a bad ideally financially.

(And Mumsnet is so fickle - if OP came back on here next week saying, "AIBU to have my daughter get 2 buses and a walk each way to school because our car is broken and we can't afford to fix it" or similar and then mentioned their entire savings were wiped out by a lad's trip to Canada you'd get "What on earth were you thinking" "With the cost of living the way it is???" And quite right too, to be honest - if you're in the position of being able to have any savings right now then it's quite right you should be holding onto them)

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 16:56

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Pumperthepumper

You can get boiler repair costs on a monthly repayment plan. So, yes. I would still go on the hol
if it were me.[/quote]
No, you still need money to pay for that! Are you serious?

bluebird3 · 30/03/2022 16:57

I'd let him go but first you have to sit down and work out how he is going to repay the money by October. Does he need to take out a second job? Can he sell some of his personal belongings - video games etc? Can he walk to work or car share to cut down on petrol? He needs a plan to replace the money.

oviraptor21 · 30/03/2022 16:58

@SpiderVersed

YABU.

He should go, but also plan some cutbacks to help replace the money spent.

This. Can he reduce some of his fishing/biking activities to offset some of the cost?
gogohm · 30/03/2022 16:58

It's in October, surely he can save some of the cost out of his discretionary expenditure eg does he buy lunch at work? coffees ? If so take sandwiches and a flask until October and he will save a good amount towards it (£720 at £5 per day) ditto if he's heading out, no pub lunch saves £10 and so on.

BluebellsGreenbells · 30/03/2022 16:58

He needs a plan to replace the money

Then OP can plan how to replace the £6,000

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 30/03/2022 16:58

I have no opinion one way or the really, but I can’t really see one person in a partnership can can veto plans of the other partner and simply say “no you cannot do that “

Midlifemusings · 30/03/2022 16:59

I don't think he is comparing the surgery to the holiday. He is saying you all worked hard to save up 8000 but despite that work he can't afford the holiday because so much went to the surgery. I am sure he is glad you are no longer in pain but I also undertand his frustration at you now saying you can't afford anything if it is for him - that he doesn't get the benefit of any of that 8000 that you saved up over time.

Benjispruce5 · 30/03/2022 16:59

Exactly @housemaus

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 16:59

@Pumperthepumper
The boiler might not break though. I’d happily take the risk. You only live once. If you work so hard and cannot have treats what is the point?

Nikkic2123 · 30/03/2022 17:00

You can't take it with you. Let him go.
It's only money, if something should arise where you need the money there is always loans or credit cards etc but it's most likely unlikely.
He will resent you if he doesn't get to go.
Take it on the chin.

Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 17:01

He has a mountain bike that’s a few years old so I’m not sure how much he’d get for it if he were to sell it to fund the holiday. He never uses it though, he doesn’t get the chance during the week and weekends are for recovering from his job as he’s knackered. It’s a shame.

Fishing he uses his mates (the stag) gear.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 17:01

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Pumperthepumper
The boiler might not break though. I’d happily take the risk. You only live once. If you work so hard and cannot have treats what is the point?[/quote]
If you work so hard and can't feed your kids what's the point?

AfraidToRun · 30/03/2022 17:01

I would suggest he tells the stag he can only afford 50% of the price and see if the groom thinks enough of him to cover the rest.

You have my sympathies regarding the need for surgery. Endometriosis is an awful condition that gets very little acknowledgement, especially from doctors.

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 17:01

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Pumperthepumper
The boiler might not break though. I’d happily take the risk. You only live once. If you work so hard and cannot have treats what is the point?[/quote]
It might though. And you can still have treats with little savings, just not holidays that wipe them out.

SueSaid · 30/03/2022 17:01

'But some of the comments have me a little baffled. Like people saying “Well if it was X destination I’d agree but it’s Canada so it’s fine.” which I must say is peak MN'

Well yes the destination is the problem, as it's a bit more pricey than a weekend in Barcelona isn't it.

Stags and hen dos used to be a night on the town in my day. I mean Canada, it's almost hilarious.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 30/03/2022 17:01

@coldlistened

He has a mountain bike that’s a few years old so I’m not sure how much he’d get for it if he were to sell it to fund the holiday. He never uses it though, he doesn’t get the chance during the week and weekends are for recovering from his job as he’s knackered. It’s a shame.

Fishing he uses his mates (the stag) gear.

Secondhand bikes are still going for high prices if in reasonable condition.
mamaoffourdc · 30/03/2022 17:02

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

He wants to go on the trip of a lifetime with close childhood friends for 10 days. I'd want do the same tbh once in my life.

Can he put it on a zero interest credit card so that you still have an emergency buffer, then drip a set amount in so its clear before the interest starts?

Absolutely this
girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 17:03

@JaniieJones

'But some of the comments have me a little baffled. Like people saying “Well if it was X destination I’d agree but it’s Canada so it’s fine.” which I must say is peak MN'

Well yes the destination is the problem, as it's a bit more pricey than a weekend in Barcelona isn't it.

Stags and hen dos used to be a night on the town in my day. I mean Canada, it's almost hilarious.

Well that's not a destination issue. That's a duration issue. 10 days in Barcelona won't cost less than £1,100
Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 17:03

@BluebellsGreenbells

He needs a plan to replace the money

Then OP can plan how to replace the £6,000

I know! Stop getting endometrioses!

Oh wait….

What a fucking stupid thing to say.

Vapeyvapevape · 30/03/2022 17:04

It's only money

It is until you're on your arse and can't afford the basics.

Hmum0fthree · 30/03/2022 17:05

Could you imagine the reverse of this??

"DH and I have 8K in savings, I need surgery as I am in complete agony every day and can no longer look after my DC, the surgery is 6K but DH says we saved the money together and he wants half of it for a lads holiday, if it is going to be spent. We have no extra income a month after bills so I have no way of saving the extra 2K I need for surgery. What do I do?"

MN Users:
LTB!!!!