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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:
Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 16:44

@girlmom21

No there’s nothing really that can be cut back. The £50 spare this month went on stuff for the DC which we couldn’t have turned down. Eldest got invited to Pizza Express for a friend’s birthday so half went on that. The other £25 went on clothes.

OP posts:
Benjispruce5 · 30/03/2022 16:44

*afford to pay off a small amount

HollowTalk · 30/03/2022 16:46

Wow, that sort of holiday is the sort of thing you'd have before being partnered up and having children, surely? Two weeks off work and a cost of well over £1,000 seems crazy. And of course it'll cost more than the flight and the accommodation - it'll cost several hundred pounds more.

WomblingWilma · 30/03/2022 16:47

If my DH said I couldn’t go on a once in a lifetime trip like this which we could actually afford but he wanted to have ‘savings’. I’d tell him to get to fuck in all honesty. Not that it would ever happen as he’d be very happy for me to go.

moonbedazzled · 30/03/2022 16:47

@coldlistened

We’ve been left with very little spare income to save. Our previous savings which went on my surgery and the £2000 we have left were built up pre-DC, pre having a mortgage etc.

The £2000 is our emergency buffer.

I like his friends and genuinely would love him to go, it’s not that. It’s just the money.

The £2000 isn't your emergency buffer, it's just what you have in your bank. If your surgery had cost £1000 more than it did, you'd have had £1000 left in savings. Would you have forgone the surgery because you wouldnt have had £2000 as a buffer?
Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 16:47

It’s not a case if we used to be rich and have now fallen on hard times, or have lived beyond our means and are now facing the consequences.

We rented a bedsit for years, saving a scrimping every penny for a house deposit. We also had a bit left after all of the moving costs, £8k.

After moving into our home and having kids immediately after (I was pregnant when we bought) we just haven’t been able to save really. It’s only getting worse with energy bills.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 16:48

Some of the comments on this thread are mad. They can’t afford it, so too bad. It’s a shame, but they can’t afford it.

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 16:48

[quote coldlistened]@girlmom21

No there’s nothing really that can be cut back. The £50 spare this month went on stuff for the DC which we couldn’t have turned down. Eldest got invited to Pizza Express for a friend’s birthday so half went on that. The other £25 went on clothes.[/quote]
He can't go if that £50 is your only spare money each month then. As you say, there'll be additional expenses so it's very likely he'd completely wipe out the savings plus more.

I agree with the others that he can go if he finds a way to make the money.

More so because you might need the money for the kids than for the boiler, IMO.

Pumperthepumper · 30/03/2022 16:49

@WomblingWilma

If my DH said I couldn’t go on a once in a lifetime trip like this which we could actually afford but he wanted to have ‘savings’. I’d tell him to get to fuck in all honesty. Not that it would ever happen as he’d be very happy for me to go.
Would you be happy to live with a broken boiler because you didn’t have any money left to fix it after your holiday?
Original poster
coldlistened · 30/03/2022 16:49

@moonbedazzled

It was an emergency. I was becoming suicidal, I was in so much pain.

It will come back but I at least have an official diagnosis now so at least should be taken more seriously.

OP posts:
SadMum12345 · 30/03/2022 16:49

I would be happy for him to go tbh. These opportunities don't come around often and he's very close to these men. He'll be hearing about this holiday for many years and it'll be painful.

Benjispruce5 · 30/03/2022 16:49

I’m amazed at the amount of people saying he should spend family money on a personal holiday! MN truly amazes me sometimes. Other threads are citing LTB over a pair of dirty pants on the floor!Grin

harrystylestaylorswift · 30/03/2022 16:50

When women on here post about their friends expecting everyone to shell out hundreds for a hen party, it gets called ridiculous. This stag-do sounds amazing for the husband but its money they don't really have to spare. I think it is actually quite misogynistic for a man to use endometriosis surgery against the OP, a pain he will never go through. That was a necessity, this holiday isn't. A 10 day stag party in Canada just sounds ridiculous and he will absolutely be paying for things when he's there because the mates won't let the stag pay for everything, especially when they can afford to pay their own way.

Baileysoncereal · 30/03/2022 16:50

MN is wild

Hey op, what about your personal monthly allowances of a few hundred - can’t he save that up?

Can you cut back on your already tight budget? That’ll give you a couple of grand a month if you switch from good wine to ok wine right?

Op can you not just work more hours? Most jobs do that don’t they? Sometimes I stay an extra hour on a Wednesday, dont even need to but I like the extra hours pay I get.

Or of course op why don’t you take in some ironing, and sell some of your belongings
So your DH can go on the trip of a lifetime, whilst you stress about paying the electricity bill.

I’d love to go on but luxury holiday too, but ‘it’s a trip of a lifetime’ didnt seem to cut it with my mortgage provider when I tried to explain why I may need to skip a month.

Some people just don’t get what it’s like to not have hundreds spare each month, and the ability to ‘cut back a bit’

Op he’s a pig for suggesting your operation is your share of the money.

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 30/03/2022 16:50

Unfortunately I can see his point you used 3/4 of the joint savings so really think you now you are out of pain for the next few years you should get a extra job also to help repay savings why should it just be on dh to save i would let my dh use the savings for this trip,

Benjispruce5 · 30/03/2022 16:51

OP he sounds very selfish and childish for comparing your awful medical situation to a jolly boy’s holiday. YANBU. He should be planning a lovely family holiday with you and his children after such an awful time health wise. Flowers

WorryMcGee · 30/03/2022 16:52

Oh this is a difficult one OP, but as it’s a dream trip and not just an average jolly to any old place for a stag do, I think I’d agree to it. Would you feel better about it if there was a plan in place for him building the savings back up again? He shouldn’t be bringing up your surgery though, that’s not the same thing at all. You feeling well benefits the whole family not just you!

Hmum0fthree · 30/03/2022 16:52

@Baileysoncereal

MN is wild

Hey op, what about your personal monthly allowances of a few hundred - can’t he save that up?

Can you cut back on your already tight budget? That’ll give you a couple of grand a month if you switch from good wine to ok wine right?

Op can you not just work more hours? Most jobs do that don’t they? Sometimes I stay an extra hour on a Wednesday, dont even need to but I like the extra hours pay I get.

Or of course op why don’t you take in some ironing, and sell some of your belongings
So your DH can go on the trip of a lifetime, whilst you stress about paying the electricity bill.

I’d love to go on but luxury holiday too, but ‘it’s a trip of a lifetime’ didnt seem to cut it with my mortgage provider when I tried to explain why I may need to skip a month.

Some people just don’t get what it’s like to not have hundreds spare each month, and the ability to ‘cut back a bit’

Op he’s a pig for suggesting your operation is your share of the money.

Say it louder for the people in the back!
Bintymcbintface · 30/03/2022 16:52

YABU. Whilst surgery to alleviate horrendous pain is in no way comparable to a holiday, presumably you both paid into the savings account, why shouldn't he see some of the benefit of it too? 10 days in Canada doing a whole bunch of activities for just over a grand is an absolute bargain!! Savings can be replenished, a relationship filled with resentment likely cannot

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 16:53

@Pumperthepumper

You can get boiler repair costs on a monthly repayment plan. So, yes. I would still go on the hol
if it were me.

00100001 · 30/03/2022 16:53

@Baileysoncereal

MN is wild

Hey op, what about your personal monthly allowances of a few hundred - can’t he save that up?

Can you cut back on your already tight budget? That’ll give you a couple of grand a month if you switch from good wine to ok wine right?

Op can you not just work more hours? Most jobs do that don’t they? Sometimes I stay an extra hour on a Wednesday, dont even need to but I like the extra hours pay I get.

Or of course op why don’t you take in some ironing, and sell some of your belongings
So your DH can go on the trip of a lifetime, whilst you stress about paying the electricity bill.

I’d love to go on but luxury holiday too, but ‘it’s a trip of a lifetime’ didnt seem to cut it with my mortgage provider when I tried to explain why I may need to skip a month.

Some people just don’t get what it’s like to not have hundreds spare each month, and the ability to ‘cut back a bit’

Op he’s a pig for suggesting your operation is your share of the money.

Yes, bit in the other hand, a lot of people who claim they can't save do things like; pay for lunch every day, have ridiculous TV subscriptions, have takeaways every week etc and could actually save if they made changes
Hmum0fthree · 30/03/2022 16:53

@coldlistened Tell him to start a go fund me I'll donate him £5.

Absolutely ridiculous idea to leave your family with no savings for a 'trip of a life time' Hmm

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 16:53

OP can you afford for him to use his annual leave on this too?

Are you able to cover the school holidays between you or will he be expecting to magic up money for holiday clubs too?

HalfGoddessHalfHell · 30/03/2022 16:54

Let him go, let him go -

Those savings are joint. Your op cost more and it was your choice to spend it on surgery. Now you want to dictate what his share of savings is spent on as due to you depleting them??

Look upon his trip as being in the 'emergency' category for him too as tbh you are coming across as controlling, petty and mean.

Life is about spontaneity and sometimes ripping up the rule book. You also have the chance by telling him you want him to go (with your blessing) of being in his good books. He will appreciate you far more. Marriages are about give and take and if both give in to the other 75% of the time, it is win win all round.

My OH feels bitter from 20 years ago that due to me struggling with 4 children, one of which had severe ADHD, I prevented him going on as many 4 day fishing trips as he would have liked coming up with financial excuses to stop him. Much in the same vein as you. I look back nowadays and really regret expecting him to tow the line and go without when if truth be known his desires and needs (like your op) should have been in the equation too.

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 16:54

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@Pumperthepumper

You can get boiler repair costs on a monthly repayment plan. So, yes. I would still go on the hol
if it were me.[/quote]
They have no spare money. They can't afford to fix the boiler on a payment plan, should the need arise.