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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

999 replies

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 14:49

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

OP posts:

godmum56 · 30/03/2022 16:36

@Abouttimemum

My Dh wouldn’t go, but that’s because his annual leave is shite and he wants to spend what little he has with DS.

In your shoes I’d be saying if he can find the money then he can go, but not using half your savings to do it!

but is not just the OP's savings?

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 16:37

@Nanny0gg

Holiday with them sometimes yes and sometimes no adults only. A balance.

Kids have their whole lives for holidays they don’t have to go on every single one their parents go on.

katedan · 30/03/2022 16:37

Is there anything he could sell to raise the money? If the groom and other stags are more wealthy could they sub him some of the costs if he explains it will be a financial strain on the family. I think 10 days is a long time as it will leave you managing working fulltime and young children but it sounds like a trip of a lifetime!

LoisLane66 · 30/03/2022 16:37

Could he get a bank loan on a credit card with 0% interest for 12 months or transfer the balance from a currently held credit card to a new one offering low or 0% interest?

SueSaid · 30/03/2022 16:38

Canada. For a lads holiday when you've only got 2k spare? No chance, but I'd expect my dh to come to that decision himself.

As others have said there'll be loads more with spending money etc and God, if it's Canada for the stag I bet the wedding will be some posh place that you'll be expected to stay at.

What is he thinking wanting to go to Canada unless you've got loads of spare and money isn't tight?!

Original poster

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 16:38

@girlmom21

The wedding shouldn’t be too bad. DH will be having a suit funded by the groom and DD’s are flower girls so they’ll get the dresses paid for. The wedding is at a nearby hotel with food included. I’ll just use a dress I already have. So I’m hoping we can get away with just buying drinks.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 16:38

If the groom and other stags are more wealthy could they sub him some of the costs if he explains it will be a financial strain on the family.

£1,100 is a lot. I wouldn't mind DP spending it on a once in a lifetime trip but I'd be furious if he contributed it to someone else's holiday.

Whatsmyname100 · 30/03/2022 16:39

Tough one. Your surgery was necessary yet expensive. He is a good partner and you have no issue with it. It just comes down to the money. There is alot of time between now and the trip. Why don't you both sit down and try to work out how you can cover the unexpected expenses. You mentioned boiler, I think pp suggested a payment plan? There's also time to start saving and reworking the budget if you can.

AlphaJura · 30/03/2022 16:39

Possibly the surgery the OP had wasn't 'life threatening', it seems that's all the NHS will fund these days, but (after going through something similar myself) just because it isn't life threatening doesn't mean it doesn't adversely affect her quality of life and therefore that of her family. I don't think think people should be comparing the 2. If we had limited savings (which we do) I wouldn't hesitate to fund some surgery for dh if NHS wouldn't and it was affecting his quality of life because that affects everyone ongoing. I would however be wary if it was just for a trip. Tbh my dh wouldn't ask to go if it would wipe out our family savings and he hadn't earned the money, he would just assume he couldn't afford it.

LoisLane66 · 30/03/2022 16:39

I think these expensive stag and hen dos are getting out of all proportion.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/03/2022 16:39

@PoshPyjamas

*You are equating security to money in the bank. I wonder if you can look at it another way? Maybe your security lies in your husband, who is coming across as loyal, supportive and hardworking*

This is a really good point

This.

I'd be moving heaven and earth to facilitate this time with his friends...

IF and it's a very big if, you need emergency boiler repairs... At that point put it on a. 0% credit card.

Having no money, I know is shit... But life is to be lived and these people are close friends and he'll have v decent memories to look back on in years to come.
Rather than I couldn't go as we had to keep the money back just in case...
That's not living I think!

Original poster

coldlistened · 30/03/2022 16:39

The wedding will be V posh but AFAIK most of it is paid for by the couple.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 16:40

[quote coldlistened]@girlmom21

If you can afford a few drinks there, does he go out for drinks a few times a month, for example? Is there a compromise here?

di2004 · 30/03/2022 16:40

YAB a bit U.
Surely you can always build up your savings again? Cut him some slack.

WomblingWilma · 30/03/2022 16:40

You’re not his Mum OP. He works (very hard according to you, do you work?) and contributes to the family money as well, He also has a say about how it’s spent. As PP have said, he could generate some extra income through overtime or selling stuff, cut back on HIS outgoings if he goes to the pub or does any activities. It’s not til October.

Of course your medical issue was not your fault but it was still joint money that was spent on it. There’s no way I’d begrudge my DH going on a one-off trip like this. Life is for living. Let him enjoy himself and worry about what may or may not happen later. It would be different if he was taking out a loan to pay for it. You have the money. It’s not like he’s wanting to swan off on holiday with his mates all the time is it?

You sound like a misery. Poor bloke. I bet he’ll never hear the last of it if he does go!

moonbedazzled · 30/03/2022 16:41

It sounds like a fabulous opportunity for him and I'd be happy for him to go. My dream place to visit is Angkor Wat and if an opportunity came up and my husband denied it me, I'd be really upset with him.

I'm a saver but this is exactly why you save. To have money to spend on things that enrich your life.

SockFluffInTheBath · 30/03/2022 16:41

I think yabu to want to stop him for financial reasons, but hibu to use the cost of your surgery in the argument.

limitedperiodonly · 30/03/2022 16:41

@StScholastica

Maybe as women we need to be more vocal about what is covered under the NHS. It seems wrong that surgery you describe as essential isn't covered. You shouldn't have to wipe out all your savings on staying alive.

Women! Another thing that is your fault. You thought your only problem was being married to a manchild for whom money is on elastic and is fibbing about the cost of a holiday with his mates £1,100?

You know what to do! Just demand better treatment from the NHS and you shall receive. PS your husband will have even more money to spend on holiday with his mates.

In case you didn't know, surgery for endometriosis is one of those things like hip replacements which though excruciatingly painful and debilitating isn't life saving. So off to the back of the queue you go.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/03/2022 16:42

@JaniieJones

Canada. For a lads holiday when you've only got 2k spare? No chance, but I'd expect my dh to come to that decision himself.

As others have said there'll be loads more with spending money etc and God, if it's Canada for the stag I bet the wedding will be some posh place that you'll be expected to stay at.

What is he thinking wanting to go to Canada unless you've got loads of spare and money isn't tight?!

@JaniieJones Is it really that hard for you to understand why someone would want to travel to Canada?

ChloeHel · 30/03/2022 16:42

Some harsh posts about OP and her endometriosis surgery. Endometriosis can be absolutely horrendous and so debilitating, no one deserves to go through that!

@coldlistened I also don’t think he should go using the only savings you have. Is there anyway he can do some overtime in work? Anything that you have available to sell to make a few quid? I think it’s a case of DH finding the funds himself to be able to go.

Is there anyway his “loaded” friend could help him? My DH had to pay for one of his friends to go on his stag in Barcelona. DH was happy to lend the money as it was one of his best friends and he wanted him there. The money was of course paid back eventually!

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 16:42

@LoisLane66

Could he get a bank loan on a credit card with 0% interest for 12 months or transfer the balance from a currently held credit card to a new one offering low or 0% interest?

And how do you propose he pays that off when OP said they can't afford to save?

Benjispruce5 · 30/03/2022 16:43

In future OP you need to consider a joint account for bills and separate accounts for personal savings. DH and I have always one this and if we go away separately, we pay for ourselves.

Whoopsmahoot · 30/03/2022 16:44

Life is too short - it won’t happen again, I’d let him go.

Benjispruce5 · 30/03/2022 16:44

@girlmom21 well if he can’t affect to pay off a small American each month, he shouldn’t be looking at expensive trips.

SophieSoSo · 30/03/2022 16:44

Yes he should go! It’s his dream trip and you openly admit he works hard!

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